Feeling Alone

[bidude621]

I am a 20 year old, turning 21 in 20 days. I am a closeted bisexual man who have been burned a couple of times; all because I've resorted to craigslist and A4A. I just don't know how to live in a world that is not accepting. I just want to find someone who will accept me for me. Am I asking for too much.
Lately I have been feeling so lonely, like I will never find anyone; man or woman. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me being closeted about my sexuality but I am terrified at what my family would say when I tell them. I am out to my coworkers and my closest friend and her sister and trust me that was not easy to do. Lately I've felt like its time for me to tell more people, but I don't want to be deserted by my family.
See my mom is very into her Christian faith and I believe that I am this way because God wanted me to be but when ever anything having to do with being gay or lesbian, she makes some kind of comment. When we found out that my older cousin was gay, she said she was fine with it but made comments about not agreeing with what he is doing. I love my mother to death and I do not want to lose her in my life. I have no clue what to do.
Everyone says that my relationship between my mom and I is too strong to let something so trivial come in the way but what if it does? I also have my best friend who is like a brother. He has had some issues when he was a kid about homosexuality and has now become somewhat fearful of the subject. How can I come out to him and not be afraid of how he will react.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Bidude621,

Good you have made this posting on JUB and great to read that you are already out to quite a few people around you, in particular people at your job and your best female friend (and her sister). So you are not totally closeted, and it seems likely hat (some of) your coworkers will have told also others that you are bi.

Maybe you could ask any of them for advise what's the best option to tell your best friend that you are bi? Please don't judge your best friend to hard when it comes to his opinion about gay people when he was still a kid. I would like to tell you that right now, being almost 21, you will have to make a choice in regard to a further development of the good friendship with him. Please be aware that he will have his ideas why you don't seem to be too open about items like relationships and people (guys) you like (etc.). I have no idea if he already has a girlfriend, but he will think how things are with you in regard to girlfriends. Staying closeted to him will mean that, at a certain point, the friendship will not develop above a certain level. I tend to think you don't need to be too afraid to tell him the truth about yourself. In case he reacts badly, be glad that you have told this to him as that means you don't need to bother spend time anymore with a homophobe.

OK, so your mother said she was fine when it turned out your older cousin is gay. Is he also aware that you are gay? Maybe you should tell him this (in case he is not yet aware) and seek opinions from him how to tackle your mother? Have you plans to keep living in the same house as your mother for the rest of your life?

Feel free to react.

Take care & best wishes.

 

[HunterM]

You will be 21 soon. Please recognize that you are an adult. As an adult, you don't need you mother's permission to live your life. You don't need anyone's permission to live your life.

It is time for you to find your own happiness in life. There are plenty of people who are accepting gays. Start looking for those people for support.

 

[bidude621]

I don't intend to live with her forever, just until I am financially stable. In the case of my cousin, we aren't close. Our families do not get along and he is more than twice my age. As for my best friend, I know if he cannot accept mebfor who I am that he is not worth having as a friend, but he is really close to me and idk what I would do without. We just started getting close again and I don't want anything to ruin it. I really do not know what to do. All I know is that I need someone to be there for me who gets what I am going through.


To live my life in happiness mean I have to come out which could lead me to have a life of saddness and rejection. Idk if I'm ready to go through that. I cannot tell the future, but I like preparing myself for the worse case scenario.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi bidude621,

Thanks for your response and for your explanation about your best friend.

I would like to tell you that it is not possible for any gay guy who is open and who is living a happy life (eg like HunterM) to have a best friend who is a homophobe. You can't have both sides of a coin. Best friends are people who are accepting you who you are, and that's ofcourse including your sexual identity.

So you told us you just have started getting close again with him and I am quite sure that this means that you will also talk with him about subjects like girls, girlfriends, relations, etc. So he will start to talk with you about his ideas / experiences with girls / girlfriends / relations with girls 9etc.). And how about you? You can't, as you don't want to disclose yourself. Excuse me very much, but that's not how it works in real life. So I would like to advise you to tell your best friend that you are bi, in particular because you have told us that both of you are getting close again. I tend to predict that he won't be totally suprized and I even tend to predict that he will be glad that you have told this to him.

So you wrote: "All I know is that I need someone to be there for me who gets what I am going through." So its either him who can help you getting through this, but only when you are open to him and when he is supportive with you. Or you can't go through this fase with him because it turns out he is a homophobe. Much better to know the truth and know what you can expect from him while you are going through this fase right now.

Feel free to react and/or to ask for more advise.

Take care & good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

I am a 20 year old, turning 21 in 20 days. I am a closeted bisexual man who have been burned a couple of times; all because I've resorted to craigslist and A4A. I just don't know how to live in a world that is not accepting. I just want to find someone who will accept me for me. Am I asking for too much.

Maybe it's not a question of asking too much. Maybe it's a question of expecting too much.

If you're working on yourself and you're being the best person you can be, who cares about the opinion of others? You cannot live your life based upon the acceptance of others. You have to live your life for your own happiness.

But you've mentioned two things- being accepted by others versus being accepted by one person in particular. You can't be accepted by everyone but it's a fair question when it comes to the important people in your life.

Everyone says that my relationship between my mom and I is too strong to let something so trivial come in the way but what if it does? I also have my best friend who is like a brother. He has had some issues when he was a kid about homosexuality and has now become somewhat fearful of the subject. How can I come out to him and not be afraid of how he will react.

You can't control other people's reactions. All you can do is be honest. You just make it clear to family and close friends that they are important to you, that you want them in your life and that this is a part of your life that you don't want to hide from them.

Those who have these religious beliefs always say things like, "Hate the sin; Love the sinner." You're not going to be able to convince them that it's not a sin- that's not reasonable. However, for your mother to be part of your life, she's going to have to stop judging people as sinners just because of who they love. That change may make some time but it's up to you to be patient but firm in saying, "If you want to be part of my life, this is something you're going to have to change".

 

[Seasoned]

I don't think people realize that they have already "lost" someone if they are living a lie to be with them. Why is it ok for you to be less than whole in order to "protect" your mother. I'm a parent and not just an angry gay man. Any parent who rejects a child for any reason other than abuse doesn't deserve to be called a parent. Give her the information and let her prove she is what you say she is.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I don't think people realize that they have already "lost" someone if they are living a lie to be with them. Why is it ok for you to be less than whole in order to "protect" your mother. I'm a parent and not just an angry gay man. Any parent who rejects a child for any reason other than abuse doesn't deserve to be called a parent. Give her the information and let her prove she is what you say she is.

AMEN.

And despite comments she may have made, chances are if you aren't bringing home/talking about girls, she already knows. She may never agree with everything you do, like all parents, but time and communication could change this, if you act upon it.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't think people realize that they have already "lost" someone if they are living a lie to be with them. Why is it ok for you to be less than whole in order to "protect" your mother. I'm a parent and not just an angry gay man. Any parent who rejects a child for any reason other than abuse doesn't deserve to be called a parent. Give her the information and let her prove she is what you say she is.

This.

As much as it would devastate you, a mother who would reject you for being gay, is the worst mother in the world. Do you consider yours to be the worst mother in the world? I doubt it.

You will never be accepted fully by everyone. Not even WOMEN are fully accepted by everyone, and they are more than men! But this is 2014, and you are largely accepted by the majority of people in the First World. Every big city in America has hundreds of thousands of us, and I can tell you from experience that a huge amount of small ones are just as accepting.

Also, if you wan to experience some sexual stuff but also have the chance of something meaningful, stay clear of A4A, Craigslist or Manhunt. Stick to Grindr, Scruff, Hornet and the like. Those apps are frequented by all kinds of people, while A4A and Craigslist are almost exclusively used for sex, and of the trashier varieties...


And, ultimately, you should never forget this: if you have to hide who you are for someone - for ANYONE, even your mother - then they are not worth a second of your time. They are not worth to be part of your life and you should reject them the same way your body would a poison.

 

[chillandmasculine]

People will surprise you.

I thought by mom would flip, she didn't (well okay, she cried and crap but was actually oppressively supportive).

My best friend was the kind of guy who loved to use the word gay and orientation slurs as a curses and as insults. I came out to him, and besides one awkward conversation where he tried to turn it all into a joke, he was really supportive. He stopped gay bashing, and is actually pretty gung ho about protecting me and gay rights in general now.

I don't know if the gay issues your friend had were just prejudice or bad impressions from some kind of abuse, but you coming out to him might show him people who he likes are gay too, and that it doesn't have to be the defining factor of an individual. Knowing a gay person now in his young adult life might help him work through some of his old stuff.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself well, but you coming out to him could end up helping him as much as it helps you.

My cousin told me once that being an awesome person who happens to be gay is like having a super power to change other peoples viewpoints. You be yourself and when prejudiced or damaged people find out your gay it forces them to confront any misconceptions they have about homosexuals.

Coming out is a process, it sounds like you've already made a lot of forward movement, don't loose heart now. Baby steps.

 

[ElmosToe]

You will be 21 soon. Please recognize that you are an adult. As an adult, you don't need you mother's permission to live your life. You don't need anyone's permission to live your life.

It is time for you to find your own happiness in life. There are plenty of people who are accepting gays. Start looking for those people for support.

^this.


point out that you are an adult at 18 and fully capable of living on your own and making your own decisions.



I would't "come out" and make a big production out of it.
Just be who you are and when your friends and family start noticing things,
they will come to their own realization and acceptance of it, let them approach you and ask you if they really want to know.

also, if these people in your life truly loved you unconditionally and really cared about you, regardless of their beliefs or views, they will learn to deal with reconciling their own shit on their own, but it should not affect how they care for you or love you.