Feeling attracted/connected to separate racial groups

[corcoran]

I'm a person of color. I have only dated white men (and some white women, too), and I am primarily physically attracted to white men. At the same time, most of my closest friends, both queer and not queer, are people of color, and as someone whose work involves providing support to both poor people and people of color who are disempowered, I'm pretty involved in thinking about what it is to be non-white in America. All of the guys I've dated have been pretty progressive and thoughtful, but there's been a sort of divide between us when issues related to race or cultural background come up--a totally reasonable divide at that, because white and non-white people in this country tend to have pretty distinct experiences.

But it's pretty important to me to recognize who I am and how the way I'm perceived affects how people interact with me, and that the person I'm with recognize the same things about himself. With the guys I've date, the most I can manage is an intellectual discussion based on their second-hand experience or education--and that conversation tends to trail off, mostly because they don't have firsthand experience with racial prejudice and don't have that much to say about it. At the least, I get responses like "I don't really think about it" or "why can't people see past that stuff?" which are actually even more distancing comments, because I really only hear them from white people. Seeing past who I am and where I'm from is not actually seeing much at all. Seeing that stuff and loving me for how it makes me who I am is the answer I'm looking for. If you are not a person of color, this might be an unfamiliar idea for you, but I've talked about it with a lot of people of color.

Anyway, I would like to be more attracted to men of color to whom I feel connected, but it hasn't happened. Or I would like to feel more connected to white guys I'm attracted to, but it hasn't happened. This seems to me like a fundamental problem. I'm curious if anyone else has had this experience, and what you think of it.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

You cannot really choose to whom you are attracted to. You cannot really choose to be gay, bi or straight. You are the way, you are.

I have been blessed with complete color blindness, when it comes to racial issues. I find men of certain age and in certain shape to be irresistibly hot, (or not), regardless of their race. So, I have dated across the racial spectrum. Two of my BFs and a few FBs were asian. I happen to be a blue-eyed, fair skin, germanic type.

Much of the racial issue is a pure spin. And some of it does have some substance.

I have a home in a the most upper scale district of San Francisco, CA. So, my asian BF at that time said, he was not hitting that Whole Foods down the hill (Franklin@California) with me, because 'only the white guys shop there'. (I am white!!! And he does not like going around hungry either.) That was pretty dumb. Even if you feel (or fear) that some people may not like you there, that should not stop you from recognizing that much of the humanity operates on the basis of permanent discrimination at all the times.

See, they may not like me anymore, coz, I ain't in college age anymore? Or a straight male cashier would probably love to serve a hot female more than me? Gee, do I care?

You cannot quite change people and their rather ingrained and very deeply rooted prejudice. But you can accept your actual life situation and make the best of what you have at hand. You can learn how to adopt the stereotypes that work for you and make good use of them and repel those than don't.

You can be successful and show it to your environment that you matter. They can choose to recognize that or not. One way or the other, your achievement stands before you and speaks for itself.

SC

 

[G-Lexington]

Hm. Well, first off, yes. My experience of being with the minority race is pretty minimal. In sixth grade, I went to a school that was 10% white, so I got a taste of it there. But then my father got transfered, and in seventh grade, my new school was 98% white. Since then, I've just been a white guy in a white world.

As far as who I'm attracted to, it is what it is, I guess. If pressed, ten years ago, I would've said I like tallish, darkish, muscular, clean-shaven guys. And now I'm partnered...with a shortish,whitish, roundish guy with a goatee. It wasn't forced. I didn't try to "break myself out of the mold". He's just who I fell in love with.

Quick lame point. I'm obsessed with music, and I always assumed that the guy I settled down with would be, as well. We'd go to concerts together, dissect CDs, and argue the whole "Rubber Soul vs Revolver" thing until the sun came up. Ends up my partner couldn't care less about music. He may go to a concert with me once in awhile (if it's the B-52's), but that's about it. I just save my "musical interaction" for my friends who share the same passion. My partner may not truly "understand" my musical obsession, but he's aware of it, he's cool with it, and he's accepting of it. (And, not surprisingly, he's got his own "things" that I can't relate to directly either.)

I don't want to equate racial issues with the latest White Stripes album, of course. But is it possible for you to be happy with a guy who simply can't relate? Yeah, perhaps it'd be cool for your partner to have similar views on this. But is it a make-or-break thing?

Lex

 

[RyeGuy]

I think it's interesting that both of the white guys who've posted here have a thing for asian men. as an asian guy...i guess it's a little surprising to me, since i see most people just looking to date within their own racial group.

i think it could be a big problem - there are certain cultures within racial groups that, unless you're a part of that group, it's very difficult to understand. my stepfather is white, but what makes his and my mom's relationship work well is that he sort of..meshed or immersed himself in asian culture; he learned the language, the customs, etc. i'm using asians and asian culture because its what i know, but i think it's true for any race. As long as you make the effort to integrate yourself into your partner's lives, i think it can work.

and obviously, you're two different people. there will always be some differences. but if you talk it out, then i think it can be resolved. i'm sure there are things that make you wonder what the hell is going on, and your partner'll say something like "It's an asian thing," or "it's something my family does," or even "you just wouldn't get it." At that point, i think people should say something along the lines of, "so teach me about it. I want to know more." it's probably not that simple, and i may be slightly idealistic, but i think that works.

 

[Eagle653]

I have not had the experiences you mention, but there is a book that, if you haven't read it, might interest you. Janet Helms is an African American professor (used to be at the University of Maryland, and maybe still is). She has specialized in racial identity, and has written extensively on white identity. In those works, she brings home several of the points that you raise--that whites tend not to be culturally aware of their own racial identity (let alone others), especially with respect to how other races, in a minority position, adopt identities. Being white, it was quite an interesting read and gave me some things to think about.

Looking at it from a more of a psychological perspective (even though she is, herself, a psychologist I think), I think it might have more to do with majority vs. minority status than it does anything else, especially values within "white" vs. "non-white."

Anyway, her works might give you some ways to approach the subject with future white guys in a way that leads to something profitable for you both.

Good luck.

 

[corcoran]

Just wanted to thank you all for your replies. They've given me some things to think about.

 

[Lostlover]

That is a little different to say the least.

I wish I could give some advice but I'm clueless.

I wish you the best regardless. You seem like you have a heart of gold with the line of work that you're in.

 

[Shepherd 2]

If a person has an issue with race, it is best to acknowledge it and try to understand what is going on inside you.

But many people I know have moved on, and it is surprising who you may feel attracted to. Go with the flow. Keep an open mind, and an open heart. It is not the color of the skin or the racial blood line, it is the character of the heart.
Shep+

 

[Ninja108]

Don't feel bad. I'm white but I'm attracted mostly to latinos like my current bf. We all have our preferences. Just be with the person you love and #$% the rest!

 

[boy0boy]

Just my observation... most white guys I meet and talk to don't even really know their ethnicity.... because "white" is very broad. I find it funny how some people just accept it as well I'm "white."

Same similar thing for "hispanic/latino." These terms are okay for a broad view or narrow minded category for quick reference. But I choose to identify with each seperate culture that comprise me, a thing that I've noticed "white" people don't see importance in.

And although I've had those awkward moments when it feels like you can't understand why they don't understand you, I try to understand what they are trying to get across and not hold their race against them not understanding my thinking... if that makes any sense.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

Just my observation... most white guys I meet and talk to don't even really know their ethnicity.... because "white" is very broad. I find it funny how some people just accept it as well I'm "white."

Same similar thing for "hispanic/latino." These terms are okay for a broad view or narrow minded category for quick reference. But I choose to identify with each seperate culture that comprise me, a thing that I've noticed "white" people don't see importance in.

And although I've had those awkward moments when it feels like you can't understand why they don't understand you, I try to understand what they are trying to get across and not hold their race against them not understanding my thinking... if that makes any sense.

It's not a white or latino/hispanic issue. Many people do not know their heritage, or they do not know all of their family lineage.