Feeling Guilty For Having Sex With Men

[RRRalph]

No, this is not about me, but about Colonel77, who’s story i read in various threads. He is a 36 year old man who hasn’t accept himself. I asked him to accept himself, but he responded that it is easier said than done. I haven’t been in such deep self hate for so many years. Is there more who has the same thing and can help him out, cuz it’s really sad for seeing someone throwing his life by living in so much unhappiness. I edited his story:

Problem
I'm not out and i still love woman, but i do like a guy giving me oral. Problem is after i meet up and get serviced, i feel aweful, imasculated and it bothers me for weeks. When i'm in relationship with woman but it's pretty frusterating to be somewhere with her and seeing a guy i like, i hate this. I was in a very good relationship with a great woman, but i was cheating with guys, i found them pretty easy and willing and it turned me on.

Background
I’m raised in a totaly homophobic world. Comming from Portugese background all my friends and family really hate the homo thing. It is still really hard to accept what your doing, especially with the fear that others will find out. Man i'd rather be dead! I feel like a fraud. When i go out there is one thing on the mind. I'll go on the phone lines and meet up and get serviced. Just don't have the guts to meet guys in gay clubs.

Relationships
Unfaithfull. I went for some months trying hard to resist, but i gave in. Especially if i was on my own for the day, like mountain biking in the trails. I started going there innocently, just to ride, but i saw that there were many guys just cruising. This became my place to hooked up and i have been wanting to return. I honestly like riding those trails and hopefully i can resist or just forget about that park.

Sexlife
I have no desire to perform oral on a guy or screw them. I just get off having may hands on the back of his neck while he's going to town. Sure i watched gay porn and seen the anal scenes with some guys, but in real life i have just never acted on it, i really go back and think of some of them, but i am okay with just oral sex and no recip.

 

[hermanding]

never have i had any type of negative about my sexuality. recognize it was the most free day of my life - i mean it was so freeing for me. i could have taken out a clasificado to pronounce it to the world - but the world probably already knew. colonels grief and self hatred has to be horrible for him. i even wonder if he wants to feel the sun on him
ding

 

[Singularity]

The one thing I learned in my past 25 years of life is that you should never ever listen to other people.

Screw them!

The only thing I can say to Colonel77 is to stop listening to others judge you and to live the life you want. You only have one life to live, don't make it harder than it is for yourself.

 

[conrad]

When you have known the joy of loving and being loved in return that is enough. Whether your partner in love is male or female is less important if you find that your are capable of loving and man or a woman as the opportunity may arise. If I were having sex with a man only to satisfy my selfish urges, I would feel guilty. Decent men don't use or abuse others.

I would only feel guilty having sex with a man if I or that man were in a committed long term relationship with another man or a woman. Decent people don't cheat on their partners.

Peace!

 

[sexybi]

Well for me its weird. 100% of the time I consider myself straight. But a few times a week I have moments when I'm bi, always have done for example I'd want to have gay sex, yet as soon as I've finished wanking I don't feel it anymore and I feel straight. It's weird.
Anyway I live in a very strong homophoic background, If I see a guy I like and I know he's atleast Bi I should would give it ago, but life is so complicated..
I'm sure I'd lose most of my male friends, don't know where'd stand with my friends that are girls.. I guess they would shrug it off as they don't really hate gays just they maybe quite suprised...

 

[sexylad]

So what, you like both? Don't beat yourself up about it... It's not being selfish either. Okay I am 100% gay, but I have loads of mates who are bi, and at first they felt bad, but now they have learnt to accept their preference for both.

 

[hermanding]

if you can get to this goal - just enjoy having the sex - period. if both of you had a good time, don't go into feeling bad about it
ding

 

[RRRalph]

Colonel77, I think you have a couple of more issues besides the guilt:

1. You don't like the fact that you are bisexual, because your family, friends and people at work are very homophobic.
2. But you do know that you are bisexual but you can't be open and talk about your bisexuality. This drives you crazy.
3. Your fear of being discovered make you hookup in places as in the park and making sex appointments by phone.
5. You don't allow yourself to explore same sex more and you don't allow yourself to have (the idea of having) a LTR with a man.
4. You fail in repressing yourself with the urge to be blown by a man when you’re in a serious relationship with a woman.

I think it's really sad to see a man his age still struggling with his sexuality and be unhappy about it. There are two things he should seperate. The internal and external conflicts.

Internal conflict
This is something that plays up in your mind. You know that you are bisexual. You always have the urge to be blown by a guy. You know what: It’s ok to be bisexual! You should use it as your mantra and after a while slightly change it to: It’s good to be bisexual! Accept and embrace who you are, be happy with yourself and love yourself. Loving a woman is fantastic and so is loving a man. When you accept yourself you can fully enjoy being blown without any guilt and you can experiment more. Have a taste someone’s cock and experiment more to really know what you like or don’t like. You don’t know unless you try! The main thing is to accept yourself.

External conflict
A next thing is the acceptance of others. I think i can assume that really don’t want to tell your family and friends. You rather die than tell. Don’t die, but live. It’s your life and no one else. Make the best of it, cuz no one else will do it for you. That means a better life will only happen when you actively do something with it. You have choises in life. You don’t have to tell your family and friends and remain closeted but happy (cuz you accepted yourself and can fully enjoy sex). Maybe in time when you’re confident enough you can tell them. If you really sure you don’t want to tell them, but you can’t live your closet life, you can move away and start a fresh and new life somewhere else.

It’s time to work on yourself and make a discision! Good luck, Ralph

 

[RRRalph]

Some addictional comments:

Cheating is always wrong. Don't do it or brake up. Regarding the guilt. Guilt is doing something that isn't according your moral. Your moral is that sex with men isn't good. Like i said ít's ok to be bisexual, it's ok to have sex with men! When you know, understand and feel it's ok to have sex with men, there's is no guilt anymore, cuz you don't do anything wrong according to your own moral or standards.

 

[modernaire]

This has nothing to do with being gay or straight. It's about having the courage to be yourself despite whatever consequences. I find it hard to feel sympathy for guys in this situation because I feel like they're cheating. They get all the bj's they want from guys, but still get to live life with all the priviledges that come with being straight, while lying to themselves and everyone else around them. Your straight friends arent really your friends if they would stop talking to you for being a homo. They dont even know the real you, they know the fake one that you present to them. obviously, there are tons of guys who like man-to-man sex as well as sex with women. it's not like you'd be lonely. These guys dont give a shit about heir wives or gf's, if they're sleeping with men on the side...they're just scared and trying to keep up appearances. You're wasting your time AND hers.

Guys in this shituation should ask themselves why they're willing to live a false life in order to be accepted by people that hate them in the first place. I think they fear being alone, but its just as lonely living a lie....is it not? And trust me, if you dont come out, someone is gonna find out or suspect something eventually. It's a matter of 'when' not 'if' you'll be outed.

I was gonna write that guys like this just need to do the world a favor and either kill or accept themselves, but I decided to be nice and not go that far.

 

[RRRalph]

* Some things you write are very true and i agree with you

This is about having the courage to be yourself despite whatever consequences. Your straight friends arent really your friends if they would stop talking to you for being a homo. There are tons of guys who like man-to-man sex as well as sex with women. It's not like you'd be lonely.

* Some things needs to be nuanced

I find it hard to feel sympathy for guys in this situation because I feel like they're cheating. They get all the bj's they want from guys, but still get to live life with all the priviledges that come with being straight.

You make it sounds like he's king of the world leading two lives. Maybe you haven't read it correctly. He's deadly unhappy! There's no priviledge that would help him being happy.

Your straight friends don't even know the real you, they know the fake one that you present to them. Guys in this situation should ask themselves why they're willing to live a false life in order to be accepted by people that hate them in the first place.

Our sexuality is just part of who we are. His friends and family do know him. His personality: funny, hard working, kranky and so on. They don't know his sexual preference. That's doesn't change his personality.

* Some are really too cruel for words

I was gonna write that guys like this just need to do the world a favor and either kill or accept themselves, but I decided to be nice and not go that far.

He obviously is struggling with his feelings and what his friends and family thinks about. Cheating his girlfriend is wrong, yes we know. Sure, you can dislike him, finding him an asshole or whatever. But saying he needs to do you a favour by accepting or killing himself? Fuck off, you're a joke!

 

[Piquechampion]

I was gonna write that guys like this just need to do the world a favor and either kill or accept themselves, but I decided to be nice and not go that far.

Yeah, that´s kinda rude...
If your not gonna say something nice, then don´t say nothing at all

 

[modernaire]

* Some things you write are very true and i agree with you



* Some things needs to be nuanced

You make it sounds like he's king of the world leading two lives. Maybe you haven't read it correctly. He's deadly unhappy! There's no priviledge that would help him being happy.


Our sexuality is just part of who we are. His friends and family do know him. His personality: funny, hard working, kranky and so on. They don't know his sexual preference. That's doesn't change his personality.

* Some are really too cruel for words


He obviously is struggling with his feelings and what his friends and family thinks about. Cheating his girlfriend is wrong, yes we know. Sure, you can dislike him, finding him an asshole or whatever. But saying he needs to do you a favour by accepting or killing himself? Fuck off, you're a joke!

I'm gonna ignore that 'Fuck off, you're a joke' part...for your benefit.

thats why I decided to 'not go that far', as I said earlier and just write that one comment and leave it at that. I know it was cruel, that's why I didnt just post that sentence alone and leave it at that.

I know more than you think that our sexuality is only a small part of who we are, but you cant deny the fact that guys in this situation are decieving the people around them, especially their wives or gf's. And if his sexuality was so insignificant, why would he 'rather be dead' than have people find out about it? I'm sure his gf would feel like she had been decieved....she's under the impression that she's with someone honest, straight, and monogamous when that isn't the case at all. She knows his personality, maybe, but for her the fact that he's been having sex with other men is gonna make her feel like she doesn't know him at all. His friends and family are homophobic so I'm sure they make all kinds of nasty comments about gays, and I'm pretty sure he goes right along with them...lying, yet again. What if this was your dad and he had been cheating on your mom for years with men? You cant tell me you wouldnt feel atleast somewhat decieved about the man you thought you knew. even if in the end you accepted it.

If he's 'deadly unhappy' that's of his own doing. he has a choice to make, whether he likes it or not. It's not always an easy choice, I know, but you cant ignore it for too long without it coming up or him doing something he'll regret (like cheating on his gf in the bushes with other men, possibly putting her at risk for STD's). I hope there's no kids involved.

I could feel more sympathy for him if his actions weren't affecting others. It's a sad situation to be in, living life for others rather than accepting who you really are and living life accordingly.

 

[Piquechampion]

This gonna be good...

 

[RRRalph]

I know more than you think that our sexuality is only a small part of who we are

That's a start...

but you cant deny the fact that guys in this situation are decieving the people around them, especially their wives or gf's. She's under the impression that she's with someone honest and monogamous.
She knows his personality, maybe, but for her the fact that he's been having sex with other men is gonna make her feel like she doesn't know him at all. I could feel more sympathy for him if his actions weren't affecting others.

I condem cheating. We don't disagree about that. What he does to his gf is so wrong. He should brake up and get blown as often as he wants. That way no one gets hurt. He shouldn't start a serious relationship if he can't restrain himself.

She knows his personality, maybe, but for her the fact that he's been having sex with other men is gonna make her feel like she doesn't know him at all.

Cheating with men is something that the gf defenitily wouldn't know indeed. Among all the hunderds other things that makes what he is... unfaithfull and bisexual would be the two new things to her.

If his sexuality was so insignificant, why would he 'rather be dead' than have people find out about it? His friends and family are homophobic so I'm sure they make all kinds of nasty comments about gays, and I'm pretty sure he goes right along with them.

I dunno, ask him.

If he's 'deadly unhappy' that's of his own doing. He has a choice to make. It's not always an easy choice. It's a sad situation to be in, living life for others rather than accepting who you really are and living life accordingly.

You seem so compassionally, but yet you think he should accept or kill himself. Don't give me that crap about the part that you wouldn't go that far. We all know that's an (not grammar, but something else) expression like "you're ugly, but i won't be a jerk so i don't go that far." My point is that you do mean what you had written, so it was intentially cruel. That's evil.

I know it was cruel, that's why I didnt just post that sentence alone and leave it at that.

 

[modernaire]

there's really nothing else for me to say that I havent already about the 'cruel' part other than that I said that cause I have a dry wit that you obviously dont get. I didnt mean for him to go and jump off a building, I was just frustrated with his cowardice and don't really feel like coddling him and others like him.

its called 'tough love' kid.

 

[modernaire]

I hope you find a positive solution to your situation...good luck with everything.

 

[gameboy 11]

I guess it's so hard for him because of his family and friends being so anti-gay. I sympathize with him and hope that one day he will be strong enough to let it all hang out...

 

[RRRalph]

i noticed through that you are from t.o. so am i. i sure would like to help you...

That's neat of you!

i just met you and i'm already in love, some reason i can't pm you, hope u didn't block me?

How did you meet him if you can't pm him? Let us know when there are interesting developments!

 

[acrobat7]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This has nothing to do with being gay or straight. It's about having the courage to be yourself despite whatever consequences. I find it hard to feel sympathy for guys in this situation because I feel like they're cheating. They get all the bj's they want from guys, but still get to live life with all the priviledges that come with being straight, while lying to themselves and everyone else around them. Your straight friends arent really your friends if they would stop talking to you for being a homo. They dont even know the real you, they know the fake one that you present to them. obviously, there are tons of guys who like man-to-man sex as well as sex with women. it's not like you'd be lonely. These guys dont give a shit about heir wives or gf's, if they're sleeping with men on the side...they're just scared and trying to keep up appearances. You're wasting your time AND hers.

Guys in this shituation should ask themselves why they're willing to live a false life in order to be accepted by people that hate them in the first place. I think they fear being alone, but its just as lonely living a lie....is it not? And trust me, if you dont come out, someone is gonna find out or suspect something eventually. It's a matter of 'when' not 'if' you'll be outed.

I was gonna write that guys like this just need to do the world a favor and either kill or accept themselves, but I decided to be nice and not go that far.



Amen to Modernaire The fact that Colonel feels bad for doing a bad thing doesn't make him worthy of sympathy.