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Feelings For My Friend

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milco17

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Hi...
I dont usually look for advice on the internet but i thought i would give it a go.
2008 has been a pretty bad year for me. I lost my nan , left school which was really hard for me (leaving everyone behind, But it was time for my life to change and to do that i had to go) and on top of all of that i went through a really bad break up with someone i truely loved to death. A Friend of mine was one of the major reasons i got through it all. The advice he gave me was great and i really appreciate everything he has done for me. But latley i have noticed that i am developing feelings for him. I dont think he is gay and he doesnt know i am....I kept my relationship very private and he thought it was with a girl. I really dont think he is gay but the way he speaks to me has made me question it in the past. Going through my break up, he told me that im one of the most amazing people he has met and that i will find someone new. He has told me that he misses seeing me at school. And on my myspace , under one of my pics i had "Top Model In The Making" and he commented it saying "How can it be in the making when u are already a top model?".....I really dont think he is gay but i am liking him more and more everyday and would jump at it in a heartbeat if i thought it could happen....anyone have any ideas of what i could do? I would really appreciate the advice.
 
If you don't think he's gay, you obviously have good reasons for thinking that, so trust your instincts and judgment and assume he isn't. A lot of straight men are nice guys with big hearts who can put two sentences together and be a good friend, especially when you need one. To those of us who are attracted to men, it can sweep us off our feet and we kind of fall for them. It's happen to me, too.

The key is to recognize 1) that straight men can be very lovable and 2) because of that, I can fall for them. What you do is pull yourself back, continually remind yourself he's straight, and accept him for what he is--a great (platonic) friend. After all, his friendship and fondness for you is as a male-buddy, not a lover. If YOU confuse the two, you inadvertently cross a line-in-the-sand and he realizes you're playing by a different set of expectations and it scares them and they doom the friendship because they perceive a mis-match in affections.

Everyone needs friends--gay, straight, or otherwise. Just know which ones are which and cherish them all.

Good luck!
 
averageguy said:
If you don't think he's gay, you obviously have good reasons for thinking that, so trust your instincts and judgment and assume he isn't. A lot of straight men are nice guys with big hearts who can put two sentences together and be a good friend, especially when you need one. To those of us who are attracted to men, it can sweep us off our feet and we kind of fall for them. It's happen to me, too.

The key is to recognize 1) that straight men can be very lovable and 2) because of that, I can fall for them. What you do is pull yourself back, continually remind yourself he's straight, and accept him for what he is--a great (platonic) friend. After all, his friendship and fondness for you is as a male-buddy, not a lover. If YOU confuse the two, you inadvertently cross a line-in-the-sand and he realizes you're playing by a different set of expectations and it scares them and they doom the friendship because they perceive a mis-match in affections.

Everyone needs friends--gay, straight, or otherwise. Just know which ones are which and cherish them all.

Good luck!
Click to expand...
The thing is, even though i THINK he is straight, My instincts tell me to go for it. lol im screwed
 
Instincts are intangible "sense of knowing." What are your instincts really telling you? That he's straight, or that he's gay? Or, is it that your conscious evidence all points to him being straight, but your inner-feelings say he might be gay? If that's the case, are you confusing your inner-feelings with wishful thinking?

Only you can answer this, but be careful. One thing that struck me in your post was that, when you broke up (him assuming it was with a girl), he consoled you by saying you'd find someone else. He, himself, did not seem to do or imply anything to step up to the plate himself.

It could be that he's, consciously or unconsciously, flirting with you. It could also be that he has feelings (THOSE kind of feelings) for you too and doesn't know how to express them, or doesn't want to recognize them (in other words, gay, but not out to himself). Either way, you're out of luck there too, I'm afraid. If he can't operationalize any of "those" feelings he might have for you--or choose to admit and recognize them--then the net effect is the same as being straight. Not only will he not act on them, he'd rebuff (as threatening) any attempt of yours to bring them to the surface.

Bottom line: I'd just assume he's straight, unless he does something overt or uses "fabulous" in a sentence (lol). Accept him as a good friend, and target your emotional and sexual energies on someone who is able to respond.
 
I totally understand what you are saying. And any other time i would run before i got hurt. But for some reason i have this gut feeling to act on this. Gay , Straight , Bi....It all comes down to a connection right? I guess time will tell.....Maybe i am just wishful thinking....But i dont want to always wonder if it could have been. I will take this slow though, maybe just start hanging out with him a whole lot more. I would never act on this until i have a reason to think he would go for it....But i am being pushed to try so im gonna give it a go
 
This seems to be a common problem. Guys saying "my friend might be gay, he did this, he said that, idk, what do you think?" And in 95% of these cases, the guy with the problem isn't out to him.

Well, hell. Why should he come out to you if you won't come out to him? If you want the relationship, you're going to have to be willing to take some risks.

Is he gay? I don't know. He might be. But don't sit around waiting for him to come out to you if you're not willing to do the same.

Do it already. Come out to him. You don't have to tell him you have feelings for him (yet). Just tell him you're gay. If he's gay, too, he'll then be about 99% sure to come out to you, as well. Then you can skip over the tea-leaf reading. :)

Lex
 
Averageguy has very good advice.All i can say is your true friends will help you get through anything so be true to him as well.:wave:
 
maybe your friend is a member of JUB and he read this and it makes him so happy that he put on his jacket and ran all the way to your house and he rang the doorbell and you opened the door surprise to find him there and ask him hey whats up and he just puts him hand behind your neck and he pulls you closer to him and give you the most passionate kiss you ever had..... im sorry if im not so good at giving advice...
 
Assume he's straight unless he comes out to you. Come out to him and see what his reaction is. If he is indeed gay and knows that you are, actions speak louder than words.

Straight men can be just as loving - and it's common for us to read more into it than need be. In fact, all of my straight friends are pretty sweet and affectionate - if any of em were gay, i'd go out with them! That is how bad I have it.
 
milco17 said:
Going through my break up, he told me that im one of the most amazing people he has met and that i will find someone new. He has told me that he misses seeing me at school. And on my myspace , under one of my pics i had "Top Model In The Making" and he commented it saying "How can it be in the making when u are already a top model?".....
Click to expand...

Isn't this what good friends do for each other? What better friend could you ask for?

And do you really want to risk messing this up just because you have a crush?

If he's a friend, you should be honest with him that you are gay. But think very carefully about telling him about your feelings for him.
 
milco17 said:
I totally understand what you are saying. And any other time i would run before i got hurt. But for some reason i have this gut feeling to act on this. Gay , Straight , Bi....It all comes down to a connection right? I guess time will tell.....Maybe i am just wishful thinking....But i dont want to always wonder if it could have been. I will take this slow though, maybe just start hanging out with him a whole lot more. I would never act on this until i have a reason to think he would go for it....But i am being pushed to try so im gonna give it a go
Click to expand...

*sigh* Why don't you just come out to him as gay? That will more than likely give you the info you need. My guess is he's straight, a good guy, a good friend, but doesn't like dick, and is hooked on twat, god bless his soul.

Otherwise this "plan" of yours entails more weeks and months of obsessing over him, trying to manipulate him / situation into an opportunity for you to do something sexual with him. Why waste all of this time and energy if he's straight? Instead, you could focus on hanging out with him as a friend, and finding a boy/guy you can shag/date instead. My guess is if you pursue this, you'll waste a lot of time, and probably alienate a good friend once he figures out what you are up to.

Just be honest with him about who you are. See what happens next.
 
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