Femininity

[Ringfinger]

I've recently met a guy online and have got to know him over the past few months or so. I find him very attractive and he is a lot like me, which is strange considering is quite a bit older than I am. We eventually decided to meet up at a Starbucks. Keep in mind that I had never spoken to him on the phone leading up to this.

I met him, and found him to be extremely feminine. Everything about him really, his high pitched voice, the way the acted, the words and phrases he used. Femininity is a huge turn off for me, which sucks because I really wanted to like this guy. The near-perfect guy I was imagining him to be doesn't exist.

But then again, I know it would be very shallow to cease speaking with him simply because of this. I want to meet him several more times to try and force myself to see past this, but I also don't want to give him the wrong idea if I eventually decide that I can't be with him. I will definitely still be friends with him and I love him as far as his personality and how he treats me, but I don't know if I could ever have a relationship with him.

Is this a shitty reason not to want a relationship?

 

[MrWright]

Just like to know how long you've been out?

It will affect my following statement...

 

[slickery]

It's a bit shallow of you. I can see where people are turned off by this, but if you are attracted to him physically and your personalities clique then whynot go for it?

 

[hanshansen]

I was in a similar situation recently.

If the femininity is a physical turn-off for you or means you wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with this person, then my view is you should be honest to yourself and him about it, i.e. tell him you don't see the two of you going down the relationship road. I don't think it's a good idea to force yourself into a relationship with someone because you don't want to be shallow.

However, if there's other stuff you like about him, you should definitely keep the possibility of being friends with him open, and show him by your actions that you regard him as a friend. It's up to him whether he accepts that or not.

That's what I tried to do, anyway.

 

[KaraBulut]

Is this a shitty reason not to want a relationship?

No more than any other superficial reason that one can use.

You might as well be saying, "I don't like Latino guys" or "Redheads don't do it for me" or "Fat guys turn me off".

You've met someone who is attractive, nice, who treats you well and with whom you have a lot in common. In the end, you're really the person who ends up losing out.

 

[DVM26uk]

If you’re turned off by him then you shouldn’t pursue it.

Whether you believe it to be shallow or not, you'll never be able to 'force' yourself to like him and in the end you'll do more damage by leading him down the wrong road.

 

[G-Lexington]

Don't bother. If being effeminate wasn't that big a deal, you would've been able to say "Well, he may be a bit swishy, but I quite like him." Apparently, you don't like him enough to see past that. It's admirable that you'd like to work through it, but honestly, I don't see it in the cards. Go find someone you ARE attracted to.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Like others said, you can't force yourself to like him.

OTOH, maybe you'll get to accept yourself enough in the next year or two that you could maybe start something up again with him later.

I hope you go down the path of accepting yourself so you can accept him some day.

 

[Morticae]

Ringfinger;

I don't think you are shallow at all. Feminine men are very different than masculine men, just as overweight men are very different than fit men. Nor does this necessarily reflect how comfortable you are with yourself, but none of us can determine that.

I would suggest you meet with him a couple more times. Unless you've been around a lot of feminine gay men then you might not understand them or feel comfortable with them. Kind of like how some straight people don't understand gay people, they find us to be a turn off. I think if you expose yourself to it enough you'll accept it, but that does NOT mean you have to be attracted to it.

Sounds like he's a good guy and you like him, give it some time to determine whether or not it is a physical turn off or a mental turn off. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, but one is able to be changed and the other one isn't in my opinion.

Good luck

 

[Lube]

I don't know if that's really a fair assessment. Some people are just not attracted to very feminine men. It doesn't necessarily mean they are uncomfortable with themselves (although that is probably true sometimes)

Ah, but you didn't quote my first line--where I basically agreed with you.

 

[Lube]

I think if you expose yourself to it enough you'll accept it, but that does NOT mean you have to be attracted to it.

Well, just realize that just about all gay men (myself included) seem "gayer" in real life than their pictures (and their often hyper-masculinized profiles) might suggest.

Something everyone has to get used to when you first use the Internet.

 

[Rex]

Don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't know what he was like in person. Some people are nothing like what they seem online. If he's a cool guy then just be friends. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone and it has nothing to do with you being out of the closet or not accepting yourself. If you're not attracted you're not attracted.