Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on it)

[hanshansen]

Over the past 7-8 months I've met two people who I could picture myself being intimate with.

I've written about both of these guys on here. I met one of them through a gay support group we were both going to at the time, and the other one randomly through a wine tasting night. Guy 1 is a very special guy, he and I have become very close friends but there was no mutual physical attraction. Guy 2 came on to me, we had a sexual experience (my first) which wasn't great and he cooled things off. We've socialised since, I don't think we're hugely compatible personalities but he's got great friends, on good days it's been fun and while I would never want to be in a relationship with him, I've worked out that I am attracted to him. Most recently we went on this tropical island vacation. I thought something might be rekindled there but hell no. Twin beds, no vibe, nothing. (Other than that, it was a great vacation.)

So. Those were the people I was sufficiently attracted to to want to do something with. I have a good handful of gay friends and I've met gay friends of theirs at parties etc. Taking the above two away, these people are either in LT relationships or they are single, but I wasn't attracted to them (actually, one possible exception ... didn't realise at the time that he swings that way ... will have to think about that ). Now that I'm no longer pursuing things with these two guys, I've started fantasising about girls again to some extent but at this stage that isn't really an option either, I'm not going down the whole marriage/kids route and I'm still sexually confused and scared of screwing things up. I really clicked with one of the girls we were with on the tropical island but I'm not sure if I'm physically attracted to her and I'm not gonna date her, at least not now.

So what do I do? I have urges and I have no-one to latch them on to.

A very important bit of information: it is extremely hard for me to know if I'm physically attracted to someone. I can't tell from pics on a dating site, for example. I know if I click with someone when I meet them, I'll be attracted by intangibles (bio, mental processes, personality, body language), but picturing myself sexually with the person is only the last step. In the past it's always taken a long time for me to reach that step.

So how do I move forward? When it comes to guys, I guess I have two options. I've got two gay friends who have a large network of gay friends. Use them. Option 2 would be online dating.

But how do I filter these people, given that my default setting for attraction seems to be 'off'? How do I find someone who *I* can picture myself with, as a first step? Once that happens, how do I figure out if there's mutual chemistry? Do I frigging have to have coffee with 20 people?

Does this make any sense?

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

Hi, sure it makes sense and is quite common.

The positive aspect of your situation is that you have two new gay friends that, despite the fact that it fizzled when it came to a relationship, you've managed to forge a friendship with them both. Good for you.

Different people have different feelings about what you propose, but personally, I'd continue to forge those friendships and use them to gain access to their larger social circle. That's how most relationships are begun, actually. There are so many benefits because you tend to get to know people gradually, thus the pressure isn't there that is there with a first-date from someone you met online. Plus, through social occasions such as parties, dinner parties, etc., you meet a wide range of people and it's not even a date. You can assess a lot of guys just by watching them interact with others, and by interacting with them yourself. In many ways, it's win-win and ideal.

The only drawback--and you need to be realistic about this--is that if you fail with one of these guys (I mean, it really sours and is uncomfortable to be around them), how much influence would they have on the rest of the circle? Remember, they all kind of know each other and will word get around in an unflattering light? Conversely, when you date someone from the net, it's only a coincidence if you know anyone in common and it's easier to break it off without upsetting any new social circle.

Despite this one drawback, I still think networking in friend's social circles is efficient and has many benefits.

Good luck!

 

[backpacker]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

So what do I do? I have urges and I have no-one to latch them on to.

Come visit me! Just kidding. The setup was just too good not to take.

I have found that some people are far more visually stimulated than others. I'm more like you. While physical attraction is important to me, there has to be an X factor before I'm attracted. The X factor is a whole combination of things that I can't really explain, but I know when they exist. You seem to be like that.

You need to date a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Profiles on dating sites are good for determining guys who are "possibilities". You won't know if they are good fits until after you have actually spent some time with them. Some guys you will rule out on the first date, while others will remain possibilities. You probably really won't know until after a few dates.

There are pros and cons to be less superficial in your attractions than others. The big con is that you are going to have to work harder at finding that person you click with. The pro is that once you find that person, you will probably be a lot more connected to your partner than most couples are. Once you get in a relationship, it will probably last longer than most. You just aren't a flavor of the week kind of guy. To me, that's a good thing. To some, it's a turnoff. Thankfully there are all kinds in this world. That's what makes it so interesting.

I would suggest that you try both meeting guys through friends and dating sites. Just be upfront about what you are looking for. Too many try to "sell" themselves on the their profiles by making themselves seem far more interesting, active, fit or whatever than they are. Funny thing, they are often surprised that they don't have much in common with the guys who respond. Go figure.

As far as the attraction to woman, it's not uncommon for guys your age (I assume you are relatively young). You are smart not to get into a serious relationship, marriage, etc. if you are not sure about your sexuality. Some guys are 100% straight, some 100% gay, but many fall somewhere in between. Rarely are the attractions 50/50. Most favor one or the other. Given some time, you will determine which one you favor (I think you probably already know). You may want to try dating both men and women. Be upfront and honest with them. I do get a sense that your attraction to women may be more of a "dating men is so hard, it would be so much easier if I dated women". There is also the societal pressure of fitting the prefer straight mold. I would caution you to avoid serious relationships until you sort out your feelings a little. One way to look at it, can you imagine going the rest of your life without having sex with a man? What about with a woman? Once you can answer yes to one of these, you will know what sex to find a serious relationship with.

I wish you the best of luck. You are young and will find the right guy in due time. I can tell from what you wrote that some guy will be lucky to catch you.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

I have found that some people are far more visually stimulated than others. I'm more like you. While physical attraction is important to me, there has to be an X factor before I'm attracted. The X factor is a whole combination of things that I can't really explain, but I know when they exist. You seem to be like that.

You have totally hit the nail on the head. It is a total package which determines what it feels like to be around the person - what it physically feels like, but you can't reduce it to any one thing. What they look like isn't irrelevant, but it's completely bound up with everything else about them.

And that takes more than an hour to figure out.

Did you manage to speed up or streamline the search process as you went on? How long did it take you? PM me if that's too personal.

As for the guys vs girls thing, yes I do kind of know the answer. The question for me isn't so much 'would I miss the sex' but 'who would I feel closer to' or 'more myself with' or 'who would I more look forward to coming home to'. And for the time being the answer is 'the right kind of guy'. I figured that out with guy no. 1. Truth be told I feel bad admitting this, because it's like I'm rejecting potentially great partners out of some kind of hangup that I myself don't fully understand.

Thanks for the last para, BTW.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

So what do I do? I have urges and I have no-one to latch them on to.

How about dating?

It just seems like you're approaching this like someone divining for water.

The way things things normally progress is that you meet someone that intrigues you, you ask them out, you spend some time together getting to know each other. After a couple of dates, you get an idea of whether there's a mutual attraction and whether there's an interest to take it to the next level.

The end goal isn't to be intimate with the person- that's just one step in a series of steps; the goal is to develop a relationship of some sort with another person. If it doesn't work out, you've met someone and perhaps made a friend. If it does work out, then things progress to the next level.

You're doing the right thing in getting out to meet people and socialize in group situations but don't be afraid to ask people out just for the purpose of getting to know them better- whether it be as friends or more. It's supposed to be fun.

 

[954dude]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

Keep on looking. Once you're close to any guy or girl, there's a definite connection or balance that would signal a possible relationship. It depends on the compatibility (are the both of you looking for similar things?), rapport shared, how much time is spent together, comfort with each other, mutual feelings, and looking at short term and long term possibilities with this person.

If the both of you want friendship, keep it that way. If you're wanting to get closer and you feel that's being returned, go for it. Communication is key... no one is a mind reader.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

You have totally hit the nail on the head. It is a total package which determines what it feels like to be around the person - what it physically feels like, but you can't reduce it to any one thing. What they look like isn't irrelevant, but it's completely bound up with everything else about them.

And that takes more than an hour to figure out.

Did you manage to speed up or streamline the search process as you went on? How long did it take you? PM me if that's too personal.

As for the guys vs girls thing, yes I do kind of know the answer. The question for me isn't so much 'would I miss the sex' but 'who would I feel closer to' or 'more myself with' or 'who would I more look forward to coming home to'. And for the time being the answer is 'the right kind of guy'. I figured that out with guy no. 1. Truth be told I feel bad admitting this, because it's like I'm rejecting potentially great partners out of some kind of hangup that I myself don't fully understand.

Thanks for the last para, BTW.

Like most everything else in life, your skills get better practice. The first time you rode a bike you probably thought it was impossible. Before long you were doing stunts. With that said, there is no magical way to speed up the process of getting to know someone. People are very complex and it takes time. You need to get past the point where they are on their best behavior. After each date, ask yourself, is this someone I want to continue getting to know? You may also decide they would be a cool friend, but not the right partner for you.

I think you may be a little too worried about finding Mr. Right right now. That will come in due time if you open yourself up to enough people. Think of the dating as an adventure. Like a trip around the world. You may not want to live in Paris, but I bet you will be glad you made it a stop on the journey.

Be careful not to reject people too quickly. While some people become less attractive as you get to know them, others become more attractive. You need to decide what are deal breakers and what things are not a big deal. A guys that's into sports may be ideal for some, "acceptable" to some and a deal breaker for others. The people who it's just acceptable to will probably do some other activity while the guy watches the game. Remember, the guys you meet are going to have interests that you don't and they won't like all the things you do. In other words, your clone doesn't exist. I hope that all makes sense.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

You're doing the right thing in getting out to meet people and socialize in group situations but don't be afraid to ask people out just for the purpose of getting to know them better- whether it be as friends or more. It's supposed to be fun.

Is it really? ;-)

You're giving me the advice I gave to guy 1, when he was freaking out about someone he was ambivalent about (not me) trying to 'date' him: don't think of it as a date with all the baggage that word has, but simply as a getting-to-know-you session.

It's hard advice to take. Dates have the potential for SEX and RELATIONSHIPS and HAVING TO COME OUT MORE EXPLICITLY at the end of them, and those are scary things if they happen at best. And loads of potential for disappointment and heartache if they don't happen.

That is only partly tongue in cheek. Dating does feel like a risky investment.

What I'm hoping is that my experience with guy 1 was atypical. I did the whole sequence of getting to know him and building trust and eventually suggesting the next level. It took frigging three months and while I'm pleased I did it and I got a good outcome - I gained a great friend - for a month or two it totally took it out of me in terms of emotional turmoil, lost sleep etc. The process has to be quicker and less disruptive than this, otherwise I can't keep doing it.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

I hope that all makes sense.

Yes. I got your response after sending the other message.

I think I've reached the point where I understand the compatibility thing. I do always try to leave it open with people unless I really can't stand them. People, and the ways in which they can add value to my life, have surprised me too often.

Back to guy 1 - the reason it would have been atypical is a) we were both very new to this (and, I think, both unsure about what we're attracted to), and b) it seemed like such a good idea that I was willing to put in far more in terms of time and patience than I might be with someone else.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

I just put together an ad/profile for the local dating site. With photos. Fu*k.

Not at all sure this was a good idea, but at least it makes me feel proactive. I'm pleased with what I wrote about myself, and I took a lot of care to couch it in terms of 'want to get to know you over a drink, if there's a connection we can take it from there'. That's the only basis on which I can do this.

We shall see.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Figuring out mutual attraction (and acting on

This online dating thing is kind of cool, at least if you're as good at it as I am .

The profile seems to be doing what it was supposed to do, in that so far I've got only one bite, but that one looks like it might be a good un.

Far too early to form any big expectations, but it's just nice to know that someone pushes your buttons and you push theirs. Really nice.

Yeah, so the 'Got hit on, what now?' and 'Like someone, what now?' threads are now most definitely closed.