Finding Closure after Unexplainable Behaviour

[crubbed]

I am sure you all have experienced this--

You meet a guy. You two hang out. He likes you. You kinda like him and the two of you keep hanging out. Then you decide to give in and say something nice, maybe sweet, just to let your guard down. Then something happens and magically the guy won't treat you as he used to. And you kinda drift apart even though you're acting the same as usual.

When something like this happens, I never ever ever discuss it with the guy. Why? Because:
1- people don't know how to be honest about their feelings. Hence, I would be lied to.
2- maybe I am afraid of the answer.
3- I am so worried about coming across as clingy and needy... I'd rather stay quiet than giving off that vibe.
4- It is my personal opinion that if you reveal how you truly felt to a guy who's not giving you the time of the day right now, you'll NEVER have another chance with him. Guys get scared and run away because they fear they might hurt you.

As a result, I have enormous trouble trying to find closure. Furthermore, it adds up to my anxiety. Whenever I meet a new guy, and we hit it off, maybe we start cuddling or holding hands, what happens is that I get super anxious. And I can't enjoy the moment. I keep wondering 'How is this guy going to let me down?'. I can't even get an erection when I am emotionally invested, because I am too worried.

In a way I think my attitude is so damn passive. I'm a bottom in the bedroom and in real life, I guess.

So, my question is... When a circumstance like this arises, how do you guys react? Do you like to discuss things? How do you find closure? How do you let go and move on?

 

[crubbed]

Yeah, I don't mean to sound annoying, but I'd really love to hear someone's input on this. What I especially loathe about the whole thing, is that whenever I find some guy of caliber, I know it's just a matter of time before I will feel let down by him and then I start 'hating' on the guy when he does not deserve it really.

 

[palbert]

Based on the opening post and on your "hair" thread (in this same forum), I would suggest counseling or therapy to deal with these issues.

 

[TX-Beau]

You're coming across as neurotic. If this is so much of an issue it's interfering with guys who haven't left you yet, you need to talk to someone about that.

"Closure" is a modern therapy myth, a catch all phrase that's misleading. It's role playing with yourself to try and make a situation end the way you want it to end. Life isn't like that. A bunch of times you just don't get any answers, or you get the wrong answers. You can try and pursue someone to try and get them to explain, and that might net you something useful, but probably all you're going to get is to be told whatever is expedient to get rid of you.

It sounds like you are trying to anticipate disaster in order to protect yourself from it, which doesn't work, and other guys are going to notice, and no one wants a neurotic BF always worrying that you're going to leave him.

It's always a gamble, you make yourself vulnerable, sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss, we can control our choices and we can control our commitment level, we can't control the other guy - the best we can do is try to pick the right guy, and do our best to make ourselves desirable to be around. If we've picked the right guy, that shouldn't be difficult.

In any event there is always the uncertainty of being left, none of us are without that, no matter how long we're in a relationship, it's always a possibility. If you're letting that gain control over you, maybe you need to be alone for a while to work on your confidence and independence before spinning the wheel again.

 

[crubbed]

Based on the opening post and on your "hair" thread (in this same forum), I would suggest counseling or therapy to deal with these issues.

No shocking news there. I know I could use some therapy, I'm just waiting for the day my life is more stable. As far as the threads go, I thought I had two very different topics going on. I apologized if that bothered you, but it's not like I bombard this forum with my problems everyday

"Closure" is a modern therapy myth, a catch all phrase that's misleading. It's role playing with yourself to try and make a situation end the way you want it to end. Life isn't like that.

Yeah, you're right.

A bunch of times you just don't get any answers, or you get the wrong answers. You can try and pursue someone to try and get them to explain, and that might net you something useful, but probably all you're going to get is to be told whatever is expedient to get rid of you.

Yeah, that's exactly why I try and curb matters aside... even though that makes my head spin at times.

It sounds like you are trying to anticipate disaster in order to protect yourself from it, which doesn't work, and other guys are going to notice, and no one wants a neurotic BF always worrying that you're going to leave him.

The thing is-- I don't even do boyfriends. It's all about flings, and fuckbuddies that I want to be crazy about me as much as they used to be initially but eventually are not.

It's always a gamble, you make yourself vulnerable, sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss, we can control our choices and we can control our commitment level, we can't control the other guy

Which is why I always promise myself I won't make myself vulnerable ever again.

Thank you for your reply, I have to say it was one of those I was really looking forward to.

 

[altlover85]

The thing is-- I don't even do boyfriends. It's all about flings, and fuckbuddies that I want to be crazy about me as much as they used to be initially but eventually are not.

Don't fall into the trap. Generally fuckbuddies and flings are more of a novelty thing and it's unlikely that they will ever be as crazy about you as they were initially. It's just human nature and happens to most everyone.

 

[TX-Beau]

If you never gamble, you never win. I've known guys who made that choice, but let me caution you otherwise.

 

[Telstra]

ahhh human is a very complex animal ...

 

[Seasoned]

Be careful of seeing yourself as the poor step-child. Avoid trying to make the next new guy into your boyfriend. Having a boyfriend ought not be the goal. Soaking up life and experiences is real life. Let things play out without trying to control things. Be yourself. If a wrong word or gesture brings things to a crashing halt, things were never going to work out anyway.

Casual hook ups may lead to something, but do remember you know next to nothing about a person upon initially meeting them. They may be single, or not. They be be having relationship issues. They may think their last relationship is over, when, in fact, it's not. If any of these things are in play don't expect an honest heart to heart. They're more likely to slink away. And then there's always the possibility that they're satisfied with hooking up and they're not willing or able to tell you that.

Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

 

[crubbed]

Don't fall into the trap. Generally fuckbuddies and flings are more of a novelty thing and it's unlikely that they will ever be as crazy about you as they were initially. It's just human nature and happens to most everyone.

I know, it's just that-- I could not stand the thought of waking up every day to the same person. It would make me anxiously terrified. I like the thrill. I just don't like it when it ends for the other before it ends for me, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I'm that twisted...

Be careful of seeing yourself as the poor step-child. Avoid trying to make the next new guy into your boyfriend. Having a boyfriend ought not be the goal. Soaking up life and experiences is real life. Let things play out without trying to control things.

What's ironic is that I don't even want to have a boyfriend. I just want the other guy to be crazy about me. Which also causes me to experience anxiety within sex. If the guy stops caring about me, I start obsessing over it.

If a wrong word or gesture brings things to a crashing halt, things were never going to work out anyway.

You're so right about this.

Casual hook ups may lead to something, but do remember you know next to nothing about a person upon initially meeting them. They may be single, or not. They be be having relationship issues. They may think their last relationship is over, when, in fact, it's not. If any of these things are in play don't expect an honest heart to heart. They're more likely to slink away. And then there's always the possibility that they're satisfied with hooking up and they're not willing or able to tell you that.

You're absolutely right. Thanks, Seasoned.