Finding it extremely difficult

[qget12]

Well, let me just preface this by saying this isn't a woe is me kind of thread, I just can't get to sleep because my thoughts won't let me. This may not make a lot of sense because there is just so much on my mind right now.

I'm finding it extremely hard to rectify the fact that I'm gay with the other aspects of my life. Even just writing that has made me feel uneasy. Some times, it all just gets too much for me. I'm not 100% sure but I think I've recently started to have panic attacks. I get short of breath, dizzy and light headed and all it takes is the sudden realisation that I'm gay for it to bring them on.

I've previously wrote about how there is someone at my college who I'm attracted to and am sure is attracted to me but for the life of me I can't seem to hold his gaze or give him more than the slightest outward hint that I'm attracted to him. I know for sure that he knows I hold some attraction towards him, because well let's face it, even the most stoic person gives the game away by their body language etc. This is just part of a wider problem I have. I'm terrified to do anything with a guy. Just the other night I was at a disco, when me and this other dude kept locking eyes. I knew it, and he knew it, but we both just couldn't act on it. It took all my courage to even hold his gaze long enough, and I'm sure If I wasn't drinking I couldn't have done it.

I don't find anything in common with wider gay culture. I don't like the thought of going to a gay bar, at all. I don't like how much gay culture is tied to the internet. I don't want to hook up with someone online just for the sake of it. For me, I don't see why I should have to settle for annonymous sex with strangers I meet online. I can see why people would say "well, you aren't willing to even hint that you might be gay in everyday live, and you aren't willing to go online, so what do you expect?" but until something changes inside of me or the way I feel that's the way it is.

The thought that someone might know I'm gay without me giving any obvious signs also unsettles me. I'm not a flamer (and I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those people who insists they aren't but in reality they are) but I understand that some people will just know. I feel it trivialises me and my worth as a person. I don't know how or why but it does.

Right now, I don't feel like I can ever come out. I can't stand the thought of people thinking of me differently. I don't come from a very progressive place ( staunchly Irish Catholic, as backwoods as it gets) and the only "gays" around are the ones who simply couldn't hide the fact that they are gay. Basically, if it can be hidden, it will be hidden. Unfortunatly, I also have the classic "straight guy" fetish, and I don't find anyone who exhibits flamboyant behaviour attractive.

Sorry if this is a huge dump, but these are only a few of the problems I have. I honestly don't know what I can do. I guess I'm not looking for advice, I don't know what I'm looking for.

 

[Eagle653]

You may not be looking for advice, but I think you are looking for a little perspective.

You have a lot going on at once, and perhaps it might help to tackle one thing at a time and let the rest fall into place. It's obvious that you're uncomfortable in your own skin and, frankly, that's pretty common. What's happening is that you are now willing to admit you're gay to yourself, but you haven't quite reconciled what that means for you, let alone feel comfortable with the idea. Believe me when I tell you that almost all of us have been there and that those uncomfortable feelings (usually) subside as you get more used/comfortable to this reality.

Second, exploring sex, meeting people, finding romance, are all different things and you don't have to conquer all those fronts next week. First, I would get your own mind in order and accept and be happy with yourself. Then, you can look beyond you and start meeting people who are after the same things (whatever those things are--sex? romance? commonalities? whatever). Until you like yourself more, you're going to be hard-pressed to be likable to others.

As for panic attacks, you might be experiencing them. It's impossible to know from here. If you feel comfortable, visit with your doctor about them. There are safe and effective medications that can even that out and allow you to rest and focus on productive thoughts. You don't even need to confide to a doctor what's unnerving you (they usually don't care as they are treating the symptoms, usually). What would really help you, though, if you can do it, is visit with a therapist for a few sessions to help you understand and accept yourself. I think you would find your panic attacks lifting after a few sessions with a good therapist and getting a lot of stuff off your chest.

Good luck to you. Many of us were where you are now. It's not fun--it fact, I remember it as gut-wrenching. But, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Get moving, take care, good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

 

[Gomaki]

I don't think what you feel is unusual at all. In fact, I'm sure quite a few people here have felt the same at some point in their lives.

Let's face it, not everyone is a gay stereotype, and we've all probably met other guys in our lives who were gay but we never even knew because they fit into the mainstream so well. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with either way, it's a matter of personality, which is different for each person.

It makes me kind of sad to hear that you are so unhappy with yourself. It reminds me of how I was before I really accepted myself. I went through bouts of depression, feelings or worthlessness and self-hatred. I never thought I would want to live as gay because I didn't want to be stereotyped by others, and I looked down on being that way.

But as I met other guys, I saw that they all had something I didn't. Happiness. I decided that I deserved to be as happy as everyone else. Instead of being hung up on what I felt being gay meant to others, I started to live my life by how it means to me.

For me, being gay comes down to this: I am a man, I like men, I have sex with other men. It's simple. There is no small print saying anything about trannies, AIDS, body glitter, designer handbags, anonymous internet hookups, or rainbows. I became a lot more comfortable with myself when I realized that I didn't have to be any other way than what I feel is right for me.

You can be gay and still love football and beer. You can be gay and love barbecues and racecars. The only thing you can't do when your gay is love pussy, and who cares about that anyway?

I hope that helps you, even if just a little!

 

[Enigma63]

I don't think what you feel is unusual at all. In fact, I'm sure quite a few people here have felt the same at some point in their lives.

Let's face it, not everyone is a gay stereotype, and we've all probably met other guys in our lives who were gay but we never even knew because they fit into the mainstream so well. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with either way, it's a matter of personality, which is different for each person.

It makes me kind of sad to hear that you are so unhappy with yourself. It reminds me of how I was before I really accepted myself. I went through bouts of depression, feelings or worthlessness and self-hatred. I never thought I would want to live as gay because I didn't want to be stereotyped by others, and I looked down on being that way.

But as I met other guys, I saw that they all had something I didn't. Happiness. I decided that I deserved to be as happy as everyone else. Instead of being hung up on what I felt being gay meant to others, I started to live my life by how it means to me.

For me, being gay comes down to this: I am a man, I like men, I have sex with other men. It's simple. There is no small print saying anything about trannies, AIDS, body glitter, designer handbags, anonymous internet hookups, or rainbows. I became a lot more comfortable with myself when I realized that I didn't have to be any other way than what I feel is right for me.

You can be gay and still love football and beer. You can be gay and love barbecues and racecars. The only thing you can't do when your gay is love pussy, and who cares about that anyway?

I hope that helps you, even if just a little!

wow! i could not have said it better.

 

[qget12]

Thanks for the perspective guys. It has helped me feel slightly more at ease. I understand that, most of all, the thing that I have to deal with is myself. I know this is going to take time, but still, I can't help feel annoyed at my sheer lack of ability to even hint to someone that I might like them.

 

[Tiger28]

I don't really have much to add to the great comments the other 3 guys have made other than to say that you're on a journey that a lot of us have been on. It took me 8 years from when I first started to think I might be gay to accepting the fact that I'm gay and it's just who I am.

We each take our own time on this journey and just realize that it isn't easy and just takes time. Just hang in there and know there's a bunch of great guys out here who are here to support you and help you on this path.

 

[Lube]

Really great advice here, especially Gomaki's.

Yeah, you do really need to accept yourself. It's tough at first. Some of us don't do it for decades, but it doesn't make it any easier.

You need to face your demons, although in this case it's more concern about what you think other people think than any real demons of your own.

As Gomaki said, don't let other people rule your life. Live for you. And you only.

Good luck and hang around & read here. You'll learn lots.

 

[Audio Tech]

I'm with Lube on this one. It took me decades to accept myself. 45 years, actually. I'm also not into the bar scene or random hookups. But that's ok! The biggest change that happened to me thus far is my attitude, and the way I carry myself. I'm loosing a lot of weight, too. JUST because I am for the first time in my life truly HAPPY!!!! If you met me, you'd probably never guess I'm gay. I'm a totally average dude. Nothing changed. Still like cars and racing.

I'm getting into a few activities, thanks to the kind advice from a few members here, and basically allowing life to just happen. I have grown to the point that I don't CARE if I loose a few friends by coming out. After all, it's about ME, not THEM. The one's you keep, are your real friends.

The amazing thing I have realized is that the BEST part of my life is still ahead of me.

I should say here that I wish "I" had the support of this forum 30 years ago.... JUB was the final push that broke me out of my prison. Thanks JUB! Thankfully it's becoming easier these days to get help and support. Someday no-one will have to "come out". We'll just BE.

Good luck to you. Remember, it's YOUR life.... in the big picture no one else gives a crap, so you may as well live for yourself.
Now put on a pair of Nike's and just DO it!

 

[G-Lexington]

The posts above do a good job of putting things into perspective. I'll just add my two cents about this and that in your post.

I'm finding it extremely hard to rectify the fact that I'm gay with the other aspects of my life.

"Being gay" and "(any other aspect of your personality here)" are two separate aspects of your life. You can presumably find two other possibly-contradictory aspects of your life. I love cartoons AND contact sports. I love sappy ballads AND hardcore rock. I love intelligent discourse AND trashy TV. They don't have to be reconciled other than "these are both parts of my personality". That's it. You can love sports/rock/four-wheeling/fishing/whatever AND dig guys.

I've previously wrote about how there is someone at my college who I'm attracted to and am sure is attracted to me but for the life of me I can't seem to hold his gaze or give him more than the slightest outward hint that I'm attracted to him. I know for sure that he knows I hold some attraction towards him, because well let's face it, even the most stoic person gives the game away by their body language etc. This is just part of a wider problem I have. I'm terrified to do anything with a guy. Just the other night I was at a disco, when me and this other dude kept locking eyes. I knew it, and he knew it, but we both just couldn't act on it. It took all my courage to even hold his gaze long enough, and I'm sure If I wasn't drinking I couldn't have done it.

Common problem, with at least two things going on. First off, there's the typical virginal shyness. It does take practice to get used to talking to guys, chatting them up, feeling them out. On top of that, there's that line that you might be afraid to cross. Because if you've never DONE anything with a guy, you can always tell yourself "Well, I'm not REALLY gay - this is just a phase or something". But once you've approached a guy, it makes it all the more REAL. YOU ARE GAY. And you have to deal with that as a complete fact.

I don't find anything in common with wider gay culture. I don't like the thought of going to a gay bar, at all. I don't like how much gay culture is tied to the internet. I don't want to hook up with someone online just for the sake of it. For me, I don't see why I should have to settle for annonymous sex with strangers I meet online. I can see why people would say "well, you aren't willing to even hint that you might be gay in everyday live, and you aren't willing to go online, so what do you expect?" but until something changes inside of me or the way I feel that's the way it is.

As others have pointed out, what you're calling "gay culture" is a small subset thereof. It'd be like calling singles bars and match.com "straight culture". But there's a lot more to it than that. The real issue, however, is below.

The thought that someone might know I'm gay without me giving any obvious signs also unsettles me. I'm not a flamer (and I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those people who insists they aren't but in reality they are) but I understand that some people will just know. I feel it trivialises me and my worth as a person. I don't know how or why but it does.

Think about all the other things people can tell about you by looking at you. You're male, you're roughly X years old. Maybe they cane tell you're a fan of this sports team or that band based on what T-shirt you have on that day. Do you feel that trivializes you in any way? That they view you as a man, a 20-something, a football fan? Presumably not. Even though some people might think less of you for a few of those things. So where's the difference? My guess is - because you kinda believe it yourself.

Right now, I don't feel like I can ever come out. I can't stand the thought of people thinking of me differently. I don't come from a very progressive place ( staunchly Irish Catholic, as backwoods as it gets) and the only "gays" around are the ones who simply couldn't hide the fact that they are gay. Basically, if it can be hidden, it will be hidden. Unfortunatly, I also have the classic "straight guy" fetish, and I don't find anyone who exhibits flamboyant behaviour attractive.

Common enough, especially among those closeted or just coming out. It often goes beyond that, though. Not just finding them "not attractive", but feeling a whole range of emotions towards them. Anger - "if they weren't so femmy, straights would like us better". Superiority - "at least I'm not a prancing poof like them". And (sometimes) jealousy - "how come THEY get to live life like that?"

Your problems all basically seem to stem from one basic issue. You're gay. You're isolated in a straight and somewhat homophobic community, who have passed along some prejudiced views on homosexuality to you. You don't know anybody else who is gay - not well, not as people. And because of that, you're getting these conflicted views of what being gay is, and what being gay is supposed to mean.

The only real cure for ignorance is education. In short, you gotta get to know some gay guys.

You might not be ready for real-life interaction. That's understandable. But you need to start somewhere. So why not here? You've been a member for almost three years, and you've posted THIRTY times. Interact some more. You don't have to become a post whore like me, or post a pic of you in your birthday suit in the appropriate section or anything. But look for some threads that might interest you. Weigh in. Chat. Get to know some of us. The more you get to know more gay people, the more you get to realize that gay people are simply people. And that's a huge step to moving forward.

Lex

 

[fetaby]

I feel it trivialises me and my worth as a person.

I wanted to type on this sentence for just a minute.....

It, being gay, is part of you. Not the whole of you. I feel you've done a very good job listening and internalizing the heteronormative rhetoric that you've encountered thus far. Even going so far as to allow that notion, homophobia, to control your actions. You're in the closet. Being out of it doesn't mean you magically turn into every stereotype you fear.

If you do nothing else, believe you are not evil. You're not, you're just you. And you alone determine your worth.