Finding myself

[AnonymousRlly]

As the title says I'm still trying to find myself. I don't know if I'm fully gay or bi.

Since way back in high school Ive always had day dreams of hanging out with certain guys but Ive always passed it off as just admiration. I was bullied a lot in high school, hardcore bullying, physical and emotional, mostly for smiling a lot, they would call me names like mental or mentally challenge or mad man, and then they would beat me up. It made me isolate and become timid and socially awkward.

In my early 20s I was starting to feel depressed partly because of my parents always pushing me to get a girlfriend but also because I was looking at all those happy couples and I was a 20+ virgin, so I forced myself to get a girlfriend but the first relationship I had only lasted about 1 week, I just didn't feel interested, we didn't do anything but talked until one day I just didn't call her(she didn't call me back either I guess she realized I was interested). I put that off as the girl just not being attractive enough.

Then I would beg my cousin to take me to parties with him, one of those parties is where I would have my first kiss which turned out to be disappointing, it didn't feel natural, my eyes were open and I was only thinking of not making it awkward. And we ended up not have sex because me being the novice that I was I didn't bring any condom and she was so adamant that we use protection. I vaguely remember being turned on though Im not sure because I was so excited about finally loosing my virginity that I didn't think about it. Anyways I put that one off as it being my first time. I also never saw that girl again.

So after that experience I decided to step it up and try to have as many relationships as possible in doing this I would look up sites on how to get girls for advance tips And I would also go to the gym and improve my diet as various work out sites and trainers instructed, so basically I ended up spending a lot of cash. it took a while but I managed to get one girl over my house and had my first sexual experience, it wasn't exactly sexual as I couldn't stand up even when she tried to give me head, she did like the way I kissed her though, which was me imitating how the girl at the party kissed me. It felt like a rehearsal if that makes sense(it wasn't natural). And thats when I realized I was or might be gay.

I cried and fought it for awhile because all I ever wanted was to please my family; I would go to doctors and dermatologist but they would all say I just wasn't interested in the girl. The dermatologist who insisted I try other girls would give me pills as a last resort. I would also stop going to the gym thinking the straining from lifting weights caused my impotence when it comes to having sex.

However, my penis does work when it comes to my fetish which is what makes me think I'm bi, because my fetish includes both male and female. Although I've grown up mostly masturbating to the female side of my fetish( because I felt I was in the right doing it as a young teen) I've also jerked to the male side as well when there was not much to find on the female side.

But after my first sexual experience I've found that I've gotten infrequent erections /turn ons with my fetish, which then, after watching a youtube channel on poor erections, had me thinking this whole thing is happening because I masturbated too much, so I stopped for a 2 months and I also took their advance about eating watermelon and foods rich in omega 3 fatty acid for erection. But nothing changed.

I would try to watch regular porn after the 2 months but not feel anything, but this was the first I'd really watch porn and I realized I wasn't into it. I especially didn't like the way the vagina(especially when the red or pink part is exposed) looked which was a illuminating sign for me that I might really be gay.

So then I went the extreme route(at this point I had lost my mind) by taking the advice I picked up from the video about ''masturbating too much on porn will get your mind stuck on porn and make you less interested in actual sex'' and applying it to my fetish and porn so basically I would masturbate to my fetish then quickly watch porn and finish jerking off. I downloaded a lot of porn videos and tried this repeatedly. Until I spoke to a friend about it who told me I should stop.

After one year of doing that and failing I decided to try the pill but rather than 'find' another girl to try it on and feel the shame , I instead begged my cousin to take me to the strip club where I paid for sex. The pills didn't work, my penis was even smaller than before and I took 3 pills.

And after a couple more days of crying and feeling hopeless I finally accepted it, internally at least, meaning I haven't come out to my family yet. Ive been thinking real hard about doing that.

In conclusion I still don't know where I fall on the spectrum. am I fully gay or bi or even really gay? maybe indifferent? I'l need to first find the right guy, which I've been trying to do but haven't met any guy who would be interested. I had met a few at the gym back when I was in denial mode that came on to me. but now I've recently joined back the gym to see if I find them but I don't see them, I certainly won't ask my cousin to send me to a gay bar, he surely wouldn't do it. I'm lost.

Any input is appreciated.

 

[SeaCore]

Don't get too caught up in labels. A frequent issue I see is people not feeling that they don't quite fit a label perfectly or are unsure of what exactly their feelings are and experience distress from feeling like they should. Attraction is complex and these labels can't always capture what you're going through exactly. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing.

It concerns me that your motivation for really exploring this stuff was trying to please your family. It makes your sexual journey sound like a chore; which is unfortunate. You shouldn't have to feel pressure to engage in sex or romance. If you pursue a relationship it should be because you want it. And really, isn't that what your potential partner would want too, someone that wants to be with them?

I'm also a bit concerned about the doctors:

I would go to doctors and dermatologist but they would all say I just wasn't interested in the girl. The dermatologist who insisted I try other girls would give me pills as a last resort.

This just... Sounds unusual. Like, what kind of doctors are we talking about? Because if it's a general physician, or the dermatologist, they're not particularly qualified to explore that aspect with you. The dermatologist specifically throws me for loop because I don't really understand why the topic of your love/sex life would even come up let alone for them to prescribe you pills; presumably pills meant to counteract erectile dysfunction. And if they're penis enlargement pills I would strongly suggest finding a different dermatologist because you might be getting scammed.


As far as feeling lost. How do you feel about the rest of your life? Do you feel lost there as well?

 

[KaraBulut]

...In conclusion I still don't know where I fall on the spectrum. am I fully gay or bi or even really gay? maybe indifferent? I'l need to first find the right guy, which I've been trying to do but haven't met any guy who would be interested. I had met a few at the gym back when I was in denial mode that came on to me. but now I've recently joined back the gym to see if I find them but I don't see them, I certainly won't ask my cousin to send me to a gay bar, he surely wouldn't do it. I'm lost.

Any input is appreciated.

To use a corny expression: sexuality isn't just a destination, it's also a journey.

There's a few people in the bi/gay category who have an easy time- they just knew. But most people will tell you that it's more like a fog that lifts over time; after a while it became clear that they were attracted to their own gender. So, don't expect an answer about your sexual orientation here- it's up to you to explore and discover your own feelings and your own sexuality.

Reading through your thread and the stories in it, there's a recurring theme and it centers around social awkwardness and the inability to pick up on social interactions. That is where working with a professional is going to be something that you need to consider. You need someone who has training in working with people who have social awkwardness. During the time when you've been through depression and other trials, have you seen a therapist and walked with them about how you're feeling?