First serious relationship.. trust and sharing ...is this normal?

[helloimd]

Hi,

After coming out in my mid-twenties I soon started dating a guy and before we knew it were in a relationship. Although it was the first serious relationship for me it wasn't for him. From the start he often referenced old relationships and the experience he gained from those and used it as 'rules' for our relationship. To remove male friends on facebook which I met after coming out where were also gay. (He still has them on fb, but according to him this is because he knowns them longer).

But he also keeps telling its normal to share, everything, literally everything. He sends me messages when he is at work around 20-30 a day. From things like 'Going to the grocery store' to 'just finished the meeting, heading into a new one.' My job is hectic so I cannot always reply but I also do not want to always. I like it more that we have something to talk about when we see each other again. But he comes up with respondes like 'so you don't care about my day' or 'sorry I was thinking about you #eyeroll' when I try to bring this up.

It also happens more often that I had a bad day at work and I don;t want to talk about it, just need some time to process it al and just want some quite you know. But when he asks what the problem is and I tell him I need some time to process it al he is insulted because 'I don't trust him enough to share' But this honestly has nothing to do with trust. I trust him but he does get insulted easily and I don't want workstuff in my head and having to deal with him being insulted for stupid stuff. Last night I decided to sleep at home alone because I had a b ussy day, had to get up early, and we already spend the last 4 nights with eachother, and my bf knows I sometimes turn off my phone when I am working on a difficult project or want to relax. However, I apparently forgot to inform him I turned off my phone and he immediately jumped to the conclusion I blocked him which wasn't the case. He didnt see the 2nd 'v' but that's because my phone was turned off. How do I handle this?

We had some issues during our year long relationship because I found it difficult that he wasn't accepted by his family but still visits them daily but needs to hide his 'gay-side' (facebook blocks, lying to family about not being in a relationship etc). But i never cheated, talked to other guys I didn't know on social media while he did (but according to him, he knows what he is doing and can handle it and i cant). So I found it very difficult to deal with these trust thingies, he keeps saying this is normal and he isn't gonna change so if I want to see it otherwise I have to make a decision. So I was wondering, is this all normal, how long does it normally take to trust each other? Am I too naive?

 

[eastofeden]

Ouch.....

Alot of red flags there....

I will address a few of them...

I found it difficult that he wasn't accepted by his family but still visits them daily but needs to hide his 'gay-side' (facebook blocks, lying to family about not being in a relationship etc). But i never cheated, talked to other guys I didn't know on social media while he did (but according to him, he knows what he is doing and can handle it and i cant). So I found it very difficult to deal with these trust thingies, he keeps saying this is normal and he isn't gonna change so if I want to see it otherwise I have to make a decision.

I assure you...I am NOT naive and been around the block many times before I settled in and have been in a 30+ year relationship...and this is bullshit.

Asking you do do ANYTHING he can't do himself and making lame excuses why is is "OK" for him but not you ...well.....I can say alot but I will keep it tame and just say what is normal for him is NOT normal for ALOT of other people.

Question is...experienced or not...do YOU think this is normal? It doesn't matter what I think really....but it DOES matter what you think. If it helps...pretend a friend of yours is in the same position...what would you tell them?

I will leave the rest alone...someone else may want to contribute....

Good Luck...

 

[neditesjamais]

Yup. What ^he said. Plus . . .

The big tipoff is that you've written this long post of things that just don't seem right somehow. Your instincts are there for a reason.

If it doesn't seem right to you, it isn't. Period.

The one thing he's said that you can bank on: "he isn't gonna change."

 

[Ganoderma]

hi helloimd,

You wrote "needs to hide his 'gay-side' (facebook blocks, lying to family about not being in a relationship etc)".

It thus seems to me that he is closeted, whereas you are on the other hand open and out and you thus also don't need to hide to the rest of the world that (a) you are gay and (b) you have a relationship with a male. This does not imply that you are walking around the whole day with a cap with 'I am gay', but this does imply that you don't need to hide on Facebook and in real life that you are in a relationship with 'X' (= a male). Most straight guys also do not hide that they have a girlfriend, but just incorporate their girlfriend / wife in their daily life, as some sort of automatic extension of their circle of people which whom they interact.

Excuse me very much, but I totally fail to understand how he, a closet case, can order you that you are not allowed to have a variety of gay guys as Facebook friends. Excuse me very much, but that's not how in works in real life, and that's also not how it works when you are communication online with your Facebook friends about all kind of items of your daily life.

I fully agree with posting of 'eastofeden' about all those red flags.

It is towards my opinion not possible for an open gay guy to have a healthy relationship with a closet case, and in particular with a closet case who is closeted towards his family and who has his family living in the immediate surroundings (which is the case over here, given that you friend is visiting his family on a daily basis).

Hey man, lets assume you are shopping and/or drinking coffee etc. with your boyfriend in the inner city and you will meet any of his relatives? What will happen? Open gay guys will immediately start with talking with this relative and will introduce the boyfriend to the relative (in case this has not yet happened, etc.). And how about him? Will he pretend that you are 'a friend'? It seems to me that this is a very uncomfortable and a very unhealthy situation. Or is he unwilling to do this kind of things with you because he always need to look behind his shoulder to see if any of those relatives is around?

The same situation is of course the case on Facebook. Straight guys don't hide that they have a girlfriend / wife / kids and just post pics when they are on holiday with their girlfriend / wife / kids (etc.).

 

[KaraBulut]

The common theme with a lot of the behaviors is that he's not doing these things for you or for the good of your relationship. He's doing these things because of his own neediness and his own self-centeredness.

In some threads like these, the OP says, "I love my boyfriend and we have a great relationship but...".

When someone opens a thread and doesn't have a balance between the positive and the negative between the pros and cons, it's not a good sign.

Bottom line: it doesn't sound like you're compatible. You can try couples counseling but the outcome will probably be the same with or without counseling.

 

[Deandbn]

I think your boyfriend has serious insecurity / trust / jealousy issues. In my opinion one has to be able to be oneself in a relationship and be able to associate with anyone anywhere. There has to be trust and respect for the other person.. and that goes both ways.

If he doesn't like that, let him move out.. If he doesn't move out and you are unhappy, then you move out, else you are just prolonging the agony.. and precluding yourself from finding another more suitable boyfriend sooner.

 

[Seasoned]

I'd run, or at least walk away quickly. Too many rules for you. Too much my way or else from him. Way too much needing to be in touch constantly and deciding who will be you're friends. He practically has abuser tattooed on his forehead. You deserve better. On second thought, forget the walking away. Run!

 

[bankside]

The only secrets you need to hide from each other is what you buy him for a birthday present or when he surprises you with a special dinner out.

This isn't about secrecy or trust though, at least not directly. From what you have explained, this situation is about him being very needy and suspicious, unfortunately.

Relationships definitely don't have to be like this. We don't all get together with deep suspicions of each other until eventually the suspicions fade away into a happy relationship. That's not how people get a good, happy, long term relationship.

So far the only thing I agree with him about is that you have to make a decision. Controlling access to your friends, especially when they are just friends to you, is especially creepy.

 

[mcbrion]

Trust and Love go together hand in glove. When someone professes Love, but does not trust you, trust ME: that is NOT Love. It is someone who does not know what healthy relationships look like and is "winging it," and know you are young (and gullible) enough to believe him. As KaraBulut said, this is for his benefit, not yours and not the relationship. Try viewing a relationship as the Bridge between who YOU are and who HE is. If you are building a bridge with different materials than the people on the other side of it, it will collapse. Your values are not the same at all. Regardless of what you feel, before Love, before any deep relationship, there is Trust FIRST. It's not apparent in this relationship, therefore it fails the basic tenet of Love. Sorry that this is your introduction, but it's not your introduction to Love: it's your introduction to controlling personalities. I wish you well

 

[SuperPsyze]

To remove male friends on facebook which I met after coming out where were also gay.

Nope nope nope nope nope. That is ABSOLUTELY not okay.

 

[billybob109]

Yup. What ^he said. Plus . . .

The big tipoff is that you've written this long post of things that just don't seem right somehow. Your instincts are there for a reason.

If it doesn't seem right to you, it isn't. Period.

The one thing he's said that you can bank on: "he isn't gonna change."

Whatever happened to working through a relationship with your partner? Why jump ship so fast?