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First step

B

brooked

Joined
Dec 7, 2003
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Location
Kalamazoo/Portage
I am totally new to all of this. Typing in forms, admitting I am gay. For a few years now I have sat back and read what you guys have been saying and today I made the first step. I called my best friend (female) and told her I am gay. I felt bad once I said it since I did it via the phone. However for the last 2 years I have been trying to pick a date when in person and it never worked. It was so hard, even though I knew she would be completely fine with it. It was actually the first time I said the phase "I am gay" out loud. You know what I didn't even hear it. This is the first person I gave confirmation to. I am sure everyone else (parents, family and friends) know, however I just am not ready to confirm this with everyone else yet. There is a huge sense of relief knowing there is someone in person I can talk with about guys and how they look, which ones are cute and handsome, or well built. Someone that will know what I actually want in a man and I can admire a guy from a distance while she is around and not worry about looking too long. At the same time I am shook up and scared that a door has opened that I can't shut. I have known since junior high that I have admired the male form. I enjoy looking at the strong jaw, tight pecs, muscular abs and arms, and cock of a male. The scent of a man drives me crazy wether they are fresh from the shower or just out of the gym. Women don't give me the same arousal as a man does. I have mentally been telling myself this for many years now. Now after actually writing it down, there is very little doubt in my mind that I could be anything else but gay. I am still sad for some reason. 31 years of life and I am just now going to start trying to live the sexual life I want to.
I have no gay friends. I have surrounded myself with people 15-20 years older then myself. All females and they are not so open about gays. Some would definitely act differently around me, not in a great way. I live in a good size town, however I fear everyone will know me and it will get back to people. I feel like I have to hide and yet it is just me trying to be happy. I know this will get better, I have faith in that. It just seems so hard being alone. This will be just fine, I am a motivated person and have plenty of time to figure out how to get through this.
Thank you so much for letting me ramble. It actually does feel better writing this down. March 9, 2008 no turning back.
 
It DOES feel better coming out. At first your nervous and worried, but after everything settles, you realize how much better off you are (most people, not all). Just having not to worry about my parents finding out (even though they would be fine with it) is a HUGE relief, also I can talk to my mom about things going on in my life that I wouldn't have when I wasn't out.
 
A first step- but a big one.


brooked said:
IAt the same time I am shook up and scared that a door has opened that I can't shut.
Click to expand...

It's the closet door but it's also the door to the rest of your life.

Welcome.
 
That was really beautifully put into words. I too can only confirm that once you say it to that first person, the rest comes much, much easier - and especially knowing that there are so many people to talk too. The thing I told myself was there is nothing wrong with my sexuality - it does not define me - and if anyone thought they could not be around me or be my friend - well then, they were never really my friend in the first place.
 
I have not opened that door yet and the person i was going to tell has moved to Scotland and doesn't come back until july, but by then I will be leaving for Australia. Anyway WELCOME to JUB. :wave:
 
Hey Brooked!

Welcome to posting on JUB mate - its great to have you out on the boards!!! And Congratulations on your courage and strength!!

Yes mate, you opened a door theres no doubt. And while you dont fully understand the importance and ramifications of that action just yet, you soon will. The openness and the honesty that your post shows, the desire to move on with your life, to start living it to the full and your self awareness already show a guy who's beginning to realise that a whole new world awaits.

Your post just brims with the thoughts of a guy who's looking forward... a little unsure maybe but theres no way you are looking back. The future lay ahead of you in whatever shape you want to make it Brooked, and new friends, new hopes and new dreams will all come with time. Before long chances and possibilities that seemed impossible will be right before you... and they will simply be there because you had the courage to take a chance! Thats something to be pretty proud of mate!
 
I really appreciate hearing from you guys. This is the reason I joined JUB. There are so many really great people of all ages and experience that just want to help people move on in life and be happy. Your words mean so much, and I hope you all know that. Today I woke up and felt wonderful, there is a piece of something that is gone subconsciously and it is being filled with good right now. Your words are helping that to be filled. I hate sounding mushy, but this is true. I feel great, just want to scream from the mountain tops. But I do have a few other things to work on today. LOL. Feelings and thoughts are still swirling pretty fast, but it is much better.

Thank you all again, and I hope to start participating more in this great site with wonderful people and friends,
 
Hi brooked, welcome to posting and to this forum!

I was happy to hear about your coming out to your best friend. You're right, it's such a whirl wind of emotion...relief, fright, anticipation, the whole 9 yards. I'm glad it went so well.

Glad you're in a larger city too. That should help you expand your social circle to include some gay guys as friends. As you get to know people, the easier it is to continue the coming out process.

All the best to you. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing and how it's going! :=D: ..|
 
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