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First time sex

As much as I find it admirable that you're willing to comfort him, were I in the same situation I'd run. Life's too short to get caught up with an unavailable man.

Once he figures his stuff out, then he'll be ready to be intimate with someone.
 
looseliam said:
As much as I find it admirable that you're willing to comfort him, were I in the same situation I'd run. Life's too short to get caught up with an unavailable man.

Once he figures his stuff out, then he'll be ready to be intimate with someone.
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So if you really liked a guy a lot, you would just run. That seems heartless and seems to be putting sex above everything else. I just think that is bad advise, if you are in the relationship with the person.

Take it slow, he might just need a lot of time to feel comfortable, or he might need more professional help. But going very slow and talking things through is the best thing you can do
 
jesseedwards2006 said:
yes he has... but it hasn't really helped him much
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Being sexually intimate with you awakened memories that were so buried that the earlier therapy couldn't really address them. There is a good chance that he can work through this with some more therapy and your love... but if it turns out that he can't then it may be necessary for you to bail out.
 
3nipples said:
Being sexually intimate with you awakened memories that were so buried that the earlier therapy couldn't really address them. There is a good chance that he can work through this with some more therapy and your love... but if it turns out that he can't then it may be necessary for you to bail out.
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Bail out meaning leave him? That's not really the right way to go. That's like leaving someone because they can't get a hard on.

You should continue to help him out and support him assuring that it will be alright and that he doesn't have to worry about that.
 
UC3543 said:
So if you really liked a guy a lot, you would just run. That seems heartless and seems to be putting sex above everything else. I just think that is bad advise, if you are in the relationship with the person.

Take it slow, he might just need a lot of time to feel comfortable, or he might need more professional help. But going very slow and talking things through is the best thing you can do
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Sweetie, I'm speaking from experience. I fell for an alcoholic. As much as my love burned for him, I realised that I wasn't as important as his next drink.

In hindsight I should have run. THat's why I said what I did.
 
Your BF certainly has a serious trauma behind him.

And no one really knows, if he is ever going to heal or not. So, bailing out is certainly an alternative.

However, you will realize very soon that most other people have hosts of other serious issues, ranging from "A" as in alcohol abuse to "Z" as in zoophilia. Being human and being alive means having 'issues'.

I would be the last guy on these boards to recommend that you should sacrifice your life and your happiness for the most doubtful benefit of the others. Yet, the economics of human relationship requires that you give your BF a decent chance. You have been dating for some five months before having your first sexual experience together. You have known that he had been traumatized and you took the risk.

One off is really not worth mentioning. Give guy another chance and let him feel as little pressure as possible. Human nature commands great healing powers and you should never underestimate them.

Sure, you too, have a life to live. Give yourself a clear time limit, say 3 months. Do your best and see what happens. You want to grant both your BF and yourself a decent chance before making any serious decisions. After all, you nothing will ever influence more your own future than your own moral integrity, or the lack thereof.

SC
 
The guy could def. use more counseling, maybe he'd even like to share some of what he's feeling during these episodes with you. If he chooses to do so, LISTEN and reassure him that things were not his fault. DO NOT make the common mistake of trying to point out that what you are doing is different so as you can progress for the night (not saying that you do).
Also realize that he may be just going through the motions of gay sex while reliving parts of his abuse cycle, he may come to realize that he does want to participate in "gay" sex and face a sexual identity crisis, which further complicates things. Time, delicacy and further counseling are what are needed here. I wouldn't say "bail" on him but I would suggest putting the physical side of a relationship on hold for a while, whilst he adjusts to an overload of turbulent emotions.
Good luck and God bless....
 
looseliam said:
As much as I find it admirable that you're willing to comfort him, were I in the same situation I'd run. Life's too short to get caught up with an unavailable man.

Once he figures his stuff out, then he'll be ready to be intimate with someone.
Click to expand...

I couldn't disagree more. If he gets another professional to see him he may get the help he needs. For the first time since I came to JUB I was reading a post with which I cannot help but personally identify, even after 51 years. My worst nightmare was abuse that lasted four years. It affected me in making love for a while, but I was through it in a relatively short period of time.

He was probably scared that this might happen, and now that it has he must feel humiliated. We who have been abused feel our sexual drive, but the messages it sends are different. Are you willing to stand by him and give him a little time, it may not be so much as some imagine? I wept when I read this original post.

Abuse is not an incurable illness, but the damage done to us is real and needs to be attended to. If the first help did not accomplish this man's healilng, then I suggest someone else, because it is treatable, and he is not a throw away person. Give him at least a chance.
His pedophile abuser did not.
Shep+
 
That's really fucked up. But I'm glad you were there for him.

I don't have any advice though...sorry.
 
Just be there for him i wouldnt leave just because of that, take things slowly and when he cries tell him its ok and that you understand why cause that will make him feel better knowing that you understand and not angry with him. Let him take the lead and you just go with the flow and let him take his time
 
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