First Time Threesome

[merritt1964]

Hi
This is my first time here and my partner and i had a first 3 some was OK, but he wants to get fucked by the guy next time and i'm having a hard time dealing with the through of that , he says its normal because he is mostly a bottom to move to getting fucked by other guy , but i;m finding that hard to deal with , ANY ADVISE WOULD BE A GREAT HELP PLEASE

 

[KaraBulut]

Threesomes and open relationships have become more "normalized" in the gay community, or at least they aren't as controversial as they once were.

But if you were to dig up one of the old threads about open relationships from our advice forum, you would likely find advice that included: talk about the rules beforehand.

An open relationship is still a relationship. Before you invite other people into that relationship, there needs to be mutually-agreed upon rules.

One of those rules? Whether "repeat" guest stars are allowed. Another rule: what specific acts are included in threesomes.

If you aren't comfortable with a third person fucking your partner, then that should have been discussed up front before the 3-way. If you're not comfortable with your three-way partner coming back for a repeat three-way, that should have been discussed before you had the three-way.

Your partner is telling you what he wants. You should tell him what you want/don't want. Talk to him. Tell him your concerns. Before the two of you do anymore three-ways, before either of you has sex outside of your relationship, you need to have agree-upon rules about what is acceptable.

 

[Thomas80]

Hi, in my opinion I would consider a double penetration.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm in an open relationship. Communication is essential, and it's essential to set the rules and stick to them. The big rule for us is absolute veto power. If one of us is uncomfortable for whatever reason, he can say no. If you're not comfortable, don't do it.

You specifically need to ask if it can just be you fucking him in the threesome or if it must be someone else, and if that's the case, why.

The second rule is reciprocity; we both have the same rules. Be careful of uneven situations where one guy wants A, the other guy doesn't, but goes along to be "reasonable" or some such, and says nothing. That will breed resentment.

It's easier to talk about your discomfort before than deal with the regret after. I'm not sure what you did the first time, but seeing your guy being pounded into the mattress is a different thing than thinking about it. It might be OK, but then again, it probably won't be since you're already uncomfortable. Step one is clearly saying that and telling him why it bothers you.

You should also discuss your motives. Sometimes, opening up your relationship disguises other issues with it. We opened up our relationship because he was gone for work for roughly two months in three. We've known each other since we were 19 and have been through a lot together. I was comfortable with him being with other guys because I'd already been used to him dating guys and hooking up when we weren't together. It made sense.

COVID ended that part of his job, and we just never went back, not that it's orgies by the pool every other day, it's pretty rare these days that we indulge, together or alone.

Another rule we have is that we are both priorities. If I need him, he comes. Peeriod. Some guys have rules about kissing or the shared bed, but that stuff really doesn't bother me, so it's fine.

After having been in this for years, I suppose the best advice I can give you is that whatever the rules are going to be, you need to establish them before, not after, and what you're doing together or alone should at least not lessen your intimacy, if not increase it.

I'm not really sure how to explain that. This should bring you closer, not substitute for something one of you is missing. A lot of open relationships fail because there is a problem in that relationship. Opening up your relationship does not fix anything; it's harder than a monogamous one, and your self-confidence needs to be iron-clad because at some point, he will come across a hotter/sexier/compatible guy who's not you. If you're not solid in your relationship, insecurity will destroy it.

Good luck. It can be fun. Keep it fun, and you'll be okay. And don't do things you don't want to do.

 

[MusicMan321]

First off to JUB and you said it was your first time having a 3some with your partner and felt it would be hard to deal with it. Like maybe talk to your partner about it and get some answers on how you both can agree with something you like about it or not

 

[BiBtm64]

Hi
This is my first time here and my partner and i had a first 3 some was OK, but he wants to get fucked by the guy next time and i'm having a hard time dealing with the through of that , he says its normal because he is mostly a bottom to move to getting fucked by other guy , but i;m finding that hard to deal with , ANY ADVISE WOULD BE A GREAT HELP PLEASE

Hi and welcome to JUB. Anything sexual should be agreeable and agreed to by everyone involved, before it happens. You say you had a threesome and it was okay. Maybe what you experienced turned out to be okay for you, but did you agree to it beforehand? If you're just going along with whatever your partner arranges, you might be at risk of experiencing something that you're not willing to do or not comfortable with.

If you don't want your partner to get fucked by the other guy, then it's important to make that clear to him. Like KaraBlut said, he's telling you what he wants. You need to also tell him what you want, and what you don't want. Otherwise he's calling the shots because you're letting him.

You're allowed to set boundaries. You don't have to go along with something that you're not comfortable with just because he wants it.

 

[RisingGay]

I have a friend who is a counsellor at a college, but also has a private psychotherapy practice with older patients. In both groups she has dealt with people who are in open relationships. It certainly is quite common in the college age population, but is also becoming more popular with older people, and certainly with gay couples. But one thing she almost universally sees, she tells me, is jealousy and heartache being reported by her solo patients, where they are able to be more open and honest with their therapist, whereas to each other the couple express how everything is wonderful within the parameters of the open relationship. She is just saying deep down there seems to be a lot of suffering. She finds it quite an interesting phenomenon. Certainly from her perspective she wouldn't recommend an open relationship for couples. The quiet suffering seems to always be there. Of course it's much much worse when it's cheating.

I would say that about 40% of my gay friends--and I have quite a large number of friends--are in open relationships, though the vast majority involve having sex with other guys outside the relationship, as opposed to within the relationship in a threesome or group dynamic. They almost all say that it works for them. But I'm very close to one of the guys, T, as both a platonic friend and in the fact that he wants to have sex with me (it's kind of mutual in that we're both tops but I am looking for that special guy to finally take my bottom virginity, and I've never met a guy I actually love more than T: he would be perfect, except that he's married). So from T I was able to get a little more honest answer about how his husband, G, does feel more jealousy than he does, but for both there is some pain. It took a little effort to dig this out of him, but I was spurred on with what I learned from my therapist friend and trying to figure out whether to accept his sexual proposal. He finally admitted it to me. T & G don't speak of this between themselves much, but T shared it with me, perhaps similar to how my therapist friend has her patients share it with her. They both feel jealousy when their partner is fucking another guy, but G feels it more.

So given T's revelation, I'm even more reluctant to have sex with him, but simultaneously very sad about it of course. His cock is perfection, OMG, not to mention his friendship and kindness towards me. I don't want to be the cause of anyone having any pain whatsoever. Yes, G has a ton of sex as a bottom with lots of different guys, in contrast to T who rarely has sex with other guys. And it might not be fair that G still feels more jealousy. But he does. I'm also quite close to G as a friend as well. But I'm also starting to wonder whether T has much more jealousy that he has admitted to me. G is often boasting in our large social meetups about the size of that recent black lover's cock or that regular lover's huge white cock that pounded his ass this past week, even sharing pictures with the group. I've looked at T's face when G's doing this: he doesn't look happy. And yes, I've considered proposing a threesome between us, but I don't think that's going to alleviate the jealousy issues. How is T going to feel when I'm pounding G's ass in front of him, and how is G going to feel when T is making love to and breeding my ass?

I've been approached by two others from our large gay social group to hook up with them, because they also are in open relationships with their respective husbands, and they like me and are attracted to me. Our group also has nude gatherings at times, for the most part nonsexual, so maybe they like my cock and the fact that I'm a top. Again, I have the same moral issues. I love all these guys so much (I've met about 200 of them out of this huge local gay men's Facebook group, many of them many times), but almost all of them are in long-term relationships and come to our meet up as couples, with very few single guys. Unfortunately either I'm not attracted to various of them, there's too big an age gap between us, or those that I am very interested in are not interested in me.

 

[TX-Beau]

I have a friend who is a counsellor at a college, but also has a private psychotherapy practice with older patients. In both groups she has dealt with people who are in open relationships. It certainly is quite common in the college age population, but is also becoming more popular with older people, and certainly with gay couples. But one thing she almost universally sees, she tells me, is jealousy and heartache being reported by her solo patients, where they are able to be more open and honest with their therapist, whereas to each other the couple express how everything is wonderful within the parameters of the open relationship. She is just saying deep down there seems to be a lot of suffering. She finds it quite an interesting phenomenon. Certainly from her perspective she wouldn't recommend an open relationship for couples. The quiet suffering seems to always be there. Of course it's much much worse when it's cheating.

I would say that about 40% of my gay friends--and I have quite a large number of friends--are in open relationships, though the vast majority involve having sex with other guys outside the relationship, as opposed to within the relationship in a threesome or group dynamic. They almost all say that it works for them. But I'm very close to one of the guys, T, as both a platonic friend and in the fact that he wants to have sex with me (it's kind of mutual in that we're both tops but I am looking for that special guy to finally take my bottom virginity, and I've never met a guy I actually love more than T: he would be perfect, except that he's married). So from T I was able to get a little more honest answer about how his husband, G, does feel more jealousy than he does, but for both there is some pain. It took a little effort to dig this out of him, but I was spurred on with what I learned from my therapist friend and trying to figure out whether to accept his sexual proposal. He finally admitted it to me. T & G don't speak of this between themselves much, but T shared it with me, perhaps similar to how my therapist friend has her patients share it with her. They both feel jealousy when their partner is fucking another guy, but G feels it more.

So given T's revelation, I'm even more reluctant to have sex with him, but simultaneously very sad about it of course. His cock is perfection, OMG, not to mention his friendship and kindness towards me. I don't want to be the cause of anyone having any pain whatsoever. Yes, G has a ton of sex as a bottom with lots of different guys, in contrast to T who rarely has sex with other guys. And it might not be fair that G still feels more jealousy. But he does. I'm also quite close to G as a friend as well. But I'm also starting to wonder whether T has much more jealousy that he has admitted to me. G is often boasting in our large social meetups about the size of that recent black lover's cock or that regular lover's huge white cock that pounded his ass this past week, even sharing pictures with the group. I've looked at T's face when G's doing this: he doesn't look happy. And yes, I've considered proposing a threesome between us, but I don't think that's going to alleviate the jealousy issues. How is T going to feel when I'm pounding G's ass in front of him, and how is G going to feel when T is making love to and breeding my ass?

I've been approached by two others from our large gay social group to hook up with them, because they also are in open relationships with their respective husbands, and they like me and are attracted to me. Our group also has nude gatherings at times, for the most part nonsexual, so maybe they like my cock and the fact that I'm a top. Again, I have the same moral issues. I love all these guys so much (I've met about 200 of them out of this huge local gay men's Facebook group, many of them many times), but almost all of them are in long-term relationships and come to our meet up as couples, with very few single guys. Unfortunately either I'm not attracted to various of them, there's too big an age gap between us, or those that I am very interested in are not interested in me.

So, people in open relationships aren't happy like they say they are, because you have a friend. Come on. All relationships run the gamut from happy people to people repressing or lying and cheating, to emotional and physical abuse, tedium, and a host of other factors, including money, that keep people in less than happy circumstances. Your anecdote is kind of specious. If people don't want to be in an open relationship, they don't have to, so maybe the reasons the ones who are unhappy with it have issues with their relationship that don't start there.

 

[KaraBulut]

I have a friend who is a counsellor at a college, but also has a private psychotherapy practice with older patients. In both groups she has dealt with people who are in open relationships. It certainly is quite common in the college age population, but is also becoming more popular with older people, and certainly with gay couples. But one thing she almost universally sees, she tells me, is jealousy and heartache being reported by her solo patients, where they are able to be more open and honest with their therapist, whereas to each other the couple express how everything is wonderful within the parameters of the open relationship. She is just saying deep down there seems to be a lot of suffering. She finds it quite an interesting phenomenon. Certainly from her perspective she wouldn't recommend an open relationship for couples. The quiet suffering seems to always be there. Of course it's much much worse when it's cheating.

In research, we're always careful about connecting two events that appear to be related. The example that one of my professors gave is throwing a newspaper at a dog when they are doing something bad. From the dog's mind, it's "If I pee on the rug, a newspaper will fall out of the sky and hit me in the head". However, from the objective view, newspapers don't fall from the sky and it doesn't happen because the dog was peeing on the rug.

There is a population of couples who undertake actions to attempt to stabilize their relationship. For example, straight couples often have kids, thinking that is the normal progression in their relationship and they then fall into the "stay together for the kids" pattern.

A therapist wouldn't recommend that a straight couple not have children, nor would they say that the children are connected to the suffering in the relationship.

It's misleading because the couples who seek therapy are the couples who are unhappy. It's not the open relationship that made a couple unhappy. Nor is it the children that made a couple unhappy. It's far more likely that the couple is unhappy and the other factors are just another component of their unhappiness, which is why they seek therapy.

It is prudent for a therapist to say, "I wouldn't recommend having children, or opening your relationship as a means to fix an unhappy relationship. If you want to fix your unhappy relationship, come to therapy and work on your relationship issues, then you can make better decisions about what is right for both of you".