Foolishly in Love

[hilltop08]

I'm a sophomore in college and up until recently a virgin. I'm also bisexual. I have a straight guy friend that I have been spend a lot of time with. At first we were just friends, but over time we've grown closer. For a couple of weeks we had talked about having sex but in a joking matter. But one night it happened, oral was the only thing involved but it's sex nonetheless. For about 4 days after it happened I had noticed a rift in our friendship, so trying to get things back to the way they were I asked him about that day.

To sum up what he had; He only did it cause he felt pressured to(but he started it that night), he regretted it cause he's straight, and it'll never happen again. So I told him that I was fine with never doing it again, and things seemed back to the way they used to be before the incident without all of the sexual talk. Until one day when he started talking sexual to me again. Me, being confused about the situation, asked him what his intentions were with me, and he told me that he had been thinking about his sexuality for a while and is confused about what he is. I reassured him that this is a stage that most everyone goes through.

So for the past couple of weeks we have been "talking" to each other to see if he really wants to be with a guy. Withing these weeks our relationship has sorta been a roller coaster of emotions for me towards him, at some times he seems really happy about out the relationship and wants it to continue but some times it's like we don't even exist together.

Am I a fool for trying to stick this out and make it work?

(Sorry it's so long, I wanted you to know the most details I could remember, If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask)

Thanks for all of your help

 

[itsmeagain]

You are not a fool.
He needs to put the guilt about sex away.
Easier said than done. I think sex, no matter gay, straight, bi, etc, and guilt go hand-in-hand due to what we have done, as a society. I also think "Non-Traditional Sex" tends to have more guilt associated with it.

Concentrate on being friends. Help him. Be his friend first.

The sex is irrelevant. Look it as icing on the cake, no matter what way you two end up batting...

..good luck..

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

Great answer from itsmeagain.

The other way sex gets in the way, especially when you are young, is that it implies a level of commitment to a relationship. Sex without the commitment makes one think he (or she) is slutty. He may not be ready to commit to a relationship, let alone a "lifestyle". So the guilt that he has done something that might eventually hurt you, his friend, takes over and he gets confused.

And gee whiz, sex is great! So the blood rushes away from the head that thinks to the head that acts and...

Like itsmeagain said, be his friend. Do your best to help him from a place of objectivity rather than trying to get him to go along with what you want (which is him). It might work out, it might not. But life is a marathon. Good things happen and bad things happen.

 

[jude swings]

i'd move on. you got off on the excitement of giving him head but more likely than not he's gonna hurt you because he's too insecure. you're talking like there's a relationship when there isn't. save yourself the pain and hassle. move on.

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks guys. Sorry to reply so late but a lot has happened since I've last posted. Since the last time we've messed around 2 other times. Both in my dorm room. Both times were initiated by him as were the 2 other times we tried to do stuff but got interrupted. Just to get a feel on where he believes our relationship is i asked him how he feels about what has happened and he said that he's fine with what has happened, he said he he been questioning his sexuality and that I've really helped him out with it, that was like 3 weeks ago. So we've been talking everyday, flirting with each other. Until one day last week, out of the blue he tells me how much he's in love with his ex-girlfriend and he wants her back. And ever since then he's been telling me how much he is in love with her and he tells me every time he is about to go have sex with her.

Why does he feel the need to tell me that he's so in love with her and every time they have sex?

 

[terps420]

This is just my opinion, I could be totally wrong.

His passive aggressiveness from before- however he was acting to cause that rift in your friendship, blaming you for initiating your hookups even though it was him, telling you it was a mistake and won't happen again... all of this probably is only the tip of the iceberg of what he really feels.

He's probably saying all these things in hopes that they'll hurt you, because more than likely, he probably is straight but a little bicurious (in the way that ALOT of guys are but will never admit it). He probably is rationalizing that these feelings were brought on because you're attracted to him, and he can probably feel it. And just like most people, when he figured you liked him, that became a little bit of adoration for you, which then turned into you guys 69ing or whatever the hell you did.

He probably feels like you "make" him gay 'cause without you, who would he be gay with. Nobody probably. Ya know?

I think you should definitely act like you couldn't give less of a flying fuck and get as many bjs out of him in the mean time. At least 'til someone better comes along. If dude wants to play games, at least let them be to your rules.

 

[texan_slant]

HMMMM, the advice between your hookups should've been heeded. This is a double-edged sword because there is the:

1. friendship first,
2. the experimentation,
3. then the unspoken expectation afterwards
4. and last of all, the emotional impact/aspect of the intimacy
(i.e. in your heads you're thinking - does this make us boyfriends? where do we go from here?).

You did the right thing by trying to talk it through after the first time, however, you took the risk by doing it again after he gave you the passive-negative signals the first time. Like everyone said, you should've only concentrated on the friendship only rather than the sex!

Rather than work out his mixed feelings, though, your friend might choose to shut those feelings out and/or shut your friendship out in the process. It might've changed your friendship, so it's jsut best to let it be at this point and move on.

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks everyone for your insight.

I know it probably wasn't the smartest thing I did to let it has again, and I did try to limit the alone time that we had together, just to ensure that another situation wouldn't arise, but I would get bitched out for us not spending as much times together as we used to. The exact situation was, we went back to my dorm to play XBox, and while I was playing he started rubbing my dick, stopped him and reminded him about how things ended up last time this happened, and he said he was fine with doing it, so I asked him again if he was sure that he wanted to do it and he said yea, he wanted to cause this time everything would be different. So I let it happen, and after we were finished everything was good between us, until a couple weeks later when out of the blue, he starts telling me how much he loves his ex.

I honestly do believe that there are feelings there, he's just afraid what people would think if they found out, and what his parents would be, cause they're very religious.

As of right now, we still talk to each other all the time through text messaging, we haven't seen each other yet, cause last week was a short week at school, but we will see each other tomorrow. Everything seems to be fine between us.

 

[axioma16]

Maybe I'm a little jaded, but it sounds like he is thoroughly enjoying the fact that he has some power over you because of how you feel for him. The rather cruel way in which he uses you for sexual release and then mocks your feelings by deviously indicating that he can't return them, as he is in love with a girl, is quite malicious.

The fact that his family are religious and we are all susceptible to social pressures, don't have as much to do with this situation as the fact that he is a manipulative prick, who derives pleasure from alternately letting you get close and then hurting you.

The only thing I can say is, distance yourself from him as much as possible, because he will play with you and then, kick you to the curb when this little game stops being amusing.

 

[Elwood]

Why does he feel the need to tell me that he's so in love with her and every time they have sex?

I do not think he is telling you as much as he is trying to convince himself of this.

He is obviously having a hard time dealing with being BI or possibly gay! He likes the sex but has a hard time dealing with the fact that he likes it afterwards. Seems perfectly natural to me but very hard to deal with. Just keep the dialog open with him, and if he continues initiating the sex and then being all wierd about it afterwards then it would be wise to stop his advances.

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks guys. This has really helped me a lot.

 

[symbolicform]

What Elwood said. He's obviously at the very least bi, but is totally conflicted about his sexuality. While his situation is understandable, he is taking advantage of your trust and probably knows at some level that he has the power to hurt you. You have to decide if the sex is worth the agony. Who knows, it might be. But do take care of yourself. If you can get this guy interested in you, then you probably can get someone just as good, whose less conflicted.

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

Or maybe he just likes getting blowjobs without having to work too hard for them. He is still taking advantage of you. Probably not consciously. He's a college kid. College kids do dumb things all the time. Nonetheless, he's taking advantage of you. If you are happy being his gay booty call, suck him dry. I doubt you will ever have an honest, out relationship with him.

 

[kramer362]

I don't think he's trying to exercise power over you, he's obviously feeling guilty and doesn't wanna be gay or bi, he's clinging to his ex to try and push you away from the sexual relationship that HE wants.

Just be up front with him. Next time he tries to initiate something say point blank that if he's gonna pull this and then when he's feeling guilty try to act all straight and make you feel bad, that he shouldn't even bother. Point out that he's told you he's questioned his sexuality for a long time, and he has your complete trust. And contrary to what you said before, questioning one's sexuality is NOT something most guys go through...

I would advise you not to expect anything beyond a friendship with the occasional blowjob. But be there for him and tell him if he decides to confront this it isn't something he has to scream from the rooftops if he doesn't want to.

 

[hilltop08]

Again, I do wanna thank everyone that has taken the time to help me in this very tough situation I'm in. I has really helped for me to be able to talk to people about this and get your insight.

I just wanted to give an update on the situation, for the past couple of days he has been sweet talking me, and flirting and even going as far as to saying he loves me, then today were are talking and yet again, out of the blue, he tells me that his ex had just broken up with her bf and that tomorrow he was going to ask her out again, and i said ok, well i'm happy for you guys i guess and he said well i can see that talking about my love life is making you upset cause we've messed around before so i won't tell you about it anymore, and i said sounds like a good idea.

So i'm taking the advice of most of you and just moving forward with just a friendship mentality, it seems like it would be much easier just to maintain a friendship then to have to deal with all of the flip flopping of emotions that is taking place.