"Forever" Relationships

[Titanic]

My boyfriend and I are in a bit of a pickle. We very nearly split up last night, and probably will before too long, because I can't guaruntee that I'll be with him forever.

I'll fill you in on the details. It's a May-December relationship - he's 36 and I'm 20. The relationship has suffered from a few arguments, but besides that the two of us get on famously, and we're literally best friends. Recently he told me that since he's approaching 40 his dating prospects are few, and so he's only looking for relationships that will last the rest of his life, rather than quick flings or twenty-year "distractions".

Now since I'm only 20, while I'm having a huge amount of fun right now, and I'm sure I would continue to for years to come, things are very likely to change, especially if we ever got to the point where I'm 50 and he's 70. Besides this he's talked about his libido decreasing while mine increases, and all sorts of things like that. Anyway, that's another topic.

The question at hand is, do you enter relationships expecting them to last forever? Would you continue a relationship if you knew it would only be short- to medium-term? Does it change with age?

 

[daddysboy1984]

Puh, its hard to making this step, like me...

I am 25 my man is 50... we get married for 4 years... he plans forever too. But i dont know if i stay forever with him. So i think, lets see what happend in the future, i am happy NOW dont know if i am happy still 10 years.... so i think you must look relaxed in the future and Talk to your friend about. He must understand your situation, i mean, he was 20 too...

So good luck.

 

[greyboy07]

daddysboy made a good point. you can enjoy what you have. in my relationship (12 years now) we have never made forever promises to each other. it used to drive me crazy, but now I'm glad that we have spent our time focusing on making things work as we go.

 

[KaraBulut]

"Forever relationship" is an oxymoron.

That's like buying a house and calling it a "forever house". Yes- when you're look at the house, you might ask yourself, "Could I see myself living in this house for 5 years... for 10 years...?". You sign up for a 30 year mortgage but you do so with the knowledge that you might not be living there for 30 years.

While you can look at someone that you're interested in and ask, "Can I see myself with this person next week, next year, next decade" as a means of evaluating your own commitment to them, you can't really experience the relationship in anything other than the present.

At some point, western culture has really bought into a lot of psycho-babble about "finding yourself" and "finding the perfect mate". Were you lost? Is anything perfect?

The point of a relationship is the relationship. If you're not happy in the relationship, then get out. If you're happy in the relationship, then have a realistic expectation that nothing is perfect and there are no guarantees about forever.

 

[Deandbn]

I like what Kara says, however in my experience i would say that any relationship is only as good as the trust, honesty and respect encountered and re-inforced in/by that relationship over the period. Oh, and a little sex helps too! (and putting you partner first always helps)

I think that after 3 or so years you fall out of lust and into love and that helps a lot. Then after a couple more years the trust increases and insecurities decrease then you dont need to be in the other significant's pocket all the time.

I dont think you specifically talk about it being for always because it kinda happens a day at a time and no one can see into the future. But i dont see why a gay relationship should not be regarded as being as permanent as a str8 marraige.

My partner and I have been together 24 years now, we have friends who have been together 30, and 48 years, and the longest are 56 years so we have good role models.

It's about respect.

 

[racer2438]

It is a impossible question to answer, it's open ended. Things change day to day. One hopes they will last for ever but no one really has that answer.

I am in a 25+ yrs relationship with my honey and we want it to go for ever. But no one can say it will last for ever.

Your honey may be asking a unrealistic question based only on his needs. With your age gap you both may fall out of love of each other and move on. And if you do then you try to fix what you have and if it cant be fixed then move on.

So if you have great comunication, trust, love, morals, happy,playfull,exciting relationship now one could have a great chance at for ever as that would be a great foundation for it.

 

[Horschallen]

Enjoy what you have now, and not worry about later.

 

[Audio Tech]

Forever is a long time. I'll tell you MY take on it. I'm 45, and unfortunately have the sex drive of a 20 year old.

However, I don't and won't "play around" because I simply refuse to risk my health that way. Once you catch it, you can't undo it. So I look for a steady relationship where neither of us cheat. That's it. For however long that may be. Nothing lasts forever, but it can be good while it DOES.

 

[rareboy]

My first relationship was with a man 9 years my senior. We were very good together except we were not good for each other for the long term. We are still best friends.

My current partner is 7 years my senior.

We've been together 28 years.

 

[sabot3ur]

I do nottt, I feel like putting expectations on a relationship can be a negative. I'd rather focus on the present and see what happens.

 

[Titanic]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all your replies.

The issue is that I'm fairly certain that I shalln't be with him forever. This is fine for me - I love him, and I'm really enjoying being with him. The problem is that he doesn't want a "cul de sac" relationship - a dead end relationship that leaves us both single - as while it would be fine for me it would be too late for him to move on (he thinks).

I don't know really, I'm a bit torn over this. The difficulty is that I'm feeling a huge degree of responsibility here - I feel like I should leave him alone for his own benefit, since I will inevitably be the one who wants to move on from the relationship.

(What really annoys me is that due to my taste in older men this situation will probably be the same for every man I date!)

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. How do you know you're the one who'll move on? Maybe in a couple of years he'll find some other 20 year old twink? Maybe you'll get too old for him.

Be careful about that assumption that older men who date really young guys are in it for the guy.

Sometimes they're just in it for the young.

As to your guy, if he's pressuring you for a commitment - well, how long have you been together? What kind of commitment do you have now? Are you telling him that you think you're gonna bail in a couple of years? If you're not honest about that...well? What kind of relationship is that anyway?

 

[youngnihilist]

^agree. Most older guys who date young guys want the youth (otherwise, they'd go for someone thir own age!). Once you're 30 (or 25), it's over.

 

[Lube]

While there's some truth for the "live for today, don't worry about tomorrow" advice you've been given, if you already think you're going to move on, why stay with this guy?

I'm in a similar situation to you, except add 25 years to each of our ages (I'm in my 40's, he's around 60). I thought for sure it would never work out. I just took it one day at a time.

And we just get happier and happier.

I do kinda have a problem with the "live for today" thing in that most men seem to have a commitment problem. But then sometimes late at night I wonder if marriage really applies to gay men. I still haven't come to any conclusion on that topic.

Sorry if I've rambled; I haven't finished my morning coffee.

 

[Titanic]

OK. How do you know you're the one who'll move on? Maybe in a couple of years he'll find some other 20 year old twink? Maybe you'll get too old for him.

Be careful about that assumption that older men who date really young guys are in it for the guy.

Sometimes they're just in it for the young.

As to your guy, if he's pressuring you for a commitment - well, how long have you been together? What kind of commitment do you have now? Are you telling him that you think you're gonna bail in a couple of years? If you're not honest about that...well? What kind of relationship is that anyway?

^agree. Most older guys who date young guys want the youth (otherwise, they'd go for someone thir own age!). Once you're 30 (or 25), it's over.

Actually if anything the problem is that I'm too young. He normally dates people in the 25-35 region, so I'm a lot younger than he would expect to have a relationship with. Really, if we didn't get on so well there would be no chance of the relationship ever happening.

I won't go into it, but he has family problems that mean it may be very awkward for him to date someone so young anyway.

@ TX-Beau, we've been together 3 months, which I accept is a very short time, but I'd never really considered the super-long-term side of this relationship. I've been honest in telling him that as things are now I love him and would want to live with him for a good long time, but I cannot guaruntee that it will be anywhere near forever.

To update, since I posted this we've had a chat and he said flatly that he won't want a relationship that lasts only a certain amount of time. I said that I couldn't honestly say that I'll still be with him in 20 years' time, and he said "well there's our answer". I was sitting there in tears as I ask follow up questions, such as whether we'd still be friends, and he said afterwards that we're still going out, and it's been too short a time to make important decisions, so we'll just keep going as we are and see if anything changes.

 

[Titanic]

While there's some truth for the "live for today, don't worry about tomorrow" advice you've been given, if you already think you're going to move on, why stay with this guy?

I'm in a similar situation to you, except add 25 years to each of our ages (I'm in my 40's, he's around 60). I thought for sure it would never work out. I just took it one day at a time.

And we just get happier and happier.

I do kinda have a problem with the "live for today" thing in that most men seem to have a commitment problem. But then sometimes late at night I wonder if marriage really applies to gay men. I still haven't come to any conclusion on that topic.

Sorry if I've rambled; I haven't finished my morning coffee.

Thanks Lube, that's cheered me up a good deal. I've still got a lot to think about, but I'm happy for the time being.

 

[youngnihilist]

Lol, I didn't mean being over 25 or over 30 means you're over in general. I meant a lot of these old guys (usually 40+) who like dating Pretty Young Things will like you when you're 18-25 or so, then when you're 30 they throw you out.

I mean they date young guys for a reason right? Because they're young? So when they're no longer young, NEXT

Cruel of them!

 

[The_Reaper]

I'm 22, my b/f is 23, and we've been dating for a little over a year. I often find myself thinking whether or not I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him...

And the truth of the matter is, I do believe I can. Which is sort of a major thing for me, given that I sometimes get bored and tired with things, or worry that having a partner is going to restrict what I can do with my life. I used to be the kind of guy that when I wasn't in a relationship, all I wanted to be was in one. And then when I was in one, all I wanted was to get out.

Sometimes I do find myself questioning things, but I know deep in my heart that I do indeed love my boyfriend, and together we have what it takes to actually make ourselves work as a couple for a very long time. And that, actually makes me very happy.

I don't know much about a relationship where there's such an age difference, but I think any relationship you enter needs to have a goal, a place that you intend to reach together. For me, I think forever is that goal. For others, it might just be learning to be mature in a relationship...

As long as you think there's a reason for you to be together, then stay together. If either of you are just going through the motions, it's probably best to end it.

 

[Willie Boy]

The issue at hand is he is heading into his "midlife crisis" and he wants to know if you love him. Or are you just enjoying what you can get from him before being on your way. What kind of effort are you willing to put into the relationship.

My partner and I are, age-wise, in a similar situation as you. He is a 24yr old kid and I am about old enough to be his dad. He actually pursued the relationship and has made the commitment to it for the long term. I finally came around and, even though we do have our ups and downs, we will be together forever. Basically because we are both willing to invest in our relationship. Its an ongoing thing, every day, but the rewards are immeasurable.

If you are not willing to make a commitment, be honest with him. Allow him the chance to find someone he can love who can love him back and allow them to grow old together as you go your way and find temporary diversions you seem to be wanting. I hope you find what it is you are looking for.

 

[Audio Tech]

I wonder how the 20 year old crowd in this situation will feel when THEY are in their 40's? Pretty bummed, I suspect. What goes around comes around.

You either love someone or you don't. AGE shouldn't be a factor.