Found my boyfriend on a dating site...now what?

[kyguy11]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past year and a half. We started to date at school, but now I have graduated and he is still back taking classes. We see each other every other weekend, and talk every day. So it really came as a shock today when I saw he had a profile on an gay dating/ hookup site.

Last weekend, I was on his computer and saw the site listed in his recent history. I brushed it off at the time because I knew his friend had a real profile on the site and figured that's why he was on. But curiosity took over and I made a fake profile to see if I could find him too - and I did. The pic is only of his torso, and it states that he's only looking for "friendship". In the description, he just says that he's looking to make friends and meet new people. A huge part of me thinks he made it as a support mechanism for his friend, but I also wonder what if he's looking for a random hookup while at school.

So now I need advice on what to do. Do I confront him directly about it, which will make him think I was snooping through his computer? Do I chat with him on the site as a fake guy looking to hook up, which could confirm he's just on for friendship or is actually cheating? Do I just ignore it, which isn't really possible since I'm no nervous and uneasy right now?

Please help!

 

[racer2438]

Talk this out ASAP. Be calm, and direct. And b4 u do that, just for ur own peace of mind, do a qick contact w/him and the site and see where it goes. At least u could ask him questions about hm self and see how he answers them and then u have more proof either way.. Then u can make a decision how ur going to approach this.

that is what I would do....

 

[hotatlboi]

Well since he said it was only for friendship, you may have nothing to worry about.

 

[Telstra]

Don't make a fake profile.
Talk to him directly in a fun way.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

I wouldn't tip him off, but the next time you do see him. I would defiantly confront him about it. (The longer you wait the more insecure you will become about your relationship, and the harder it will be to rebuild that trust- If it turns out to be nothing, hopefully that's the case, but doesn't seem probable with the shirtless pic and dating site) I'd tell him that you're concerned about him having an active gay profile on a dating website, and that you would like him to take it down. I'd ask him what he was using it for. In this process, I would also ask him to login, so you can see the account, and what was done. & I would also ask to see his phone, so see who he's been talking to etc (Some people store people under fake names). I would also ask him if he is on any other websites. I would also go though his internet history together with him to verify this. If he feels like he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have an issue doing any of those things.

 

[Rolyo85]

I agree with racer. Chat him up. See if he's really just on there for friendship. Try and be smart about it. If there is a conclusive response, you don't need to confront him. If there is, ask him, but do it calmly, and without drama He IS probably just on there to make friends.

I have a bf and I'm on Grindr all the time. Apart from the vague potential of a threesome somewhere in the future, I really don't want anything out of it but to chat, flirt casually and MAYBE make friends. I'm at that stage of "post-coming out fixations", maybe it's the same with your guy.

 

[Seasoned]

Do not entrap him nor make any parental type demands. Simply state what you saw and apologize for snooping first and asking later. Tell him you're concerned after seeing his bare torso. Trust is necessary for any relationship. No matter what his answer or his proof that he's not interested in hook ups any continued spying on your part means, for your own mental health, that you need couples counseling or an end to the relationship. This will be difficult to fix if you remain suspicious.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You don't have to necessarily say you found it. You could just bring the topic up in conversation. Talk about how both of you feel about online gay websites. His profile does only say "friendship." So that's a plus. This discussion could actually make for a good test. In the middle of it, you could casually ask if he has an online profile and how he feels about it. If he says he doesn't have one, that would be a red flag to think about for the future (although don't just burst out and say, AH HA! I caught you!" The timing will be everything. You don't want to mention it too soon where he may get scared and deny it out of fright. If the communication is open and safe enough, he'll probably talk about his online profile with you.

This is an opportunity to discuss boundaries and further develop trust in a relationship. Don't jump to the conclusion of infidelity. See how you can turn this kind of situation into a positive light with your boyfriend.

Keep us posted.

 

[KaraBulut]

You've described yourself as "in a relationship" but you haven't mentioned whether the two of you have agreed to be monogamous.

You should talk to him- not about the profile per se but about your feelings about monogamy and your insecurities about being away from each other so much. Isn't that what this is really about?

 

[chance1]

I don't think posing as another and chatting him up is good

It's phony

Be honest - what you found - and for his thoughts

My experience has been that these sites draw many types NOT looking for sex

Sounds like it's likely nothing

But have an honest bs free convo calmly (critical)

Good luck

 

[palemale]

I read a piece in the Huffington Post the other day that described married man who had sex with men he met on-line. His wife gave him an anniversary present or card or something. Inside was a transcript of conversations about hooking up with him from her masquerading as another guy, and divorce papers.

 

[Rolyo85]

Omg that's horrible in a seriously hilarious way!

 

[TX-Beau]

OK just admit it, you were snooping on him then went looking to catch him in the act.

One point down for you. You do realize that if you start lying to him he's going to beat you with that no matter what you found - even snooping through his computer is going to bite you in the ass. And that is the problem with being underhanded in pursuit of underhanded behavior.

Proof of which as of yet you don't have. You have no evidence that he's cheating on you so you want to lie to go find some.

If that is what your relationship is like, you're doomed anyway and you might as well get out now.

On the other hand, you can fess up now and talk about what you found in your snooping and hopefully get something constructive out of it.

But don't try for James Bond - ALL that does is escalate and pretty much guarantee he walks anyway.

So what DO YOU want. Do you want to play gotcha, or do you want a relationship that works? It may not be him, but it's never too soon to start practicing.

 

[kyguy11]

Thank you everyone so far for the advice. I really didn't know what to think last night, and now I've been able to process it all and gain a little help from you guys. I'm just going to sit him down this weekend, tell him what I found (calmly), and just ask him to show me his profile because he really should have nothing to hide. If he does, or has a naked pic, or has been chatting with other guys, well then obviously we weren't mean to be. And if he's just trying to meet other friends, well I still want don't want him to have a profile but that's much better.

As for the snooping comments, I wouldn't consider typing an address into the internet snooping. "www." made his whole recent list pop-up, and I just noticed it. But regardless, he shouldn't have something like that without at least telling me first. Like you all said, relationships are about trust and he's not exactly building it up right now..

 

[TX-Beau]

You were snooping.

Don't start making demands. TALK about what you found. He'll respond better if you don't come across as the offended hausfrau. The goal is communication not accusation. If you start making rules for him to follow or trying to forbid this and exclude that - well you may be a queen but you're not THE Queen and that will not help your case. You want a functional relationship and you can't have that where there is no trust. You don't get trust by laying down ultimatums - they never work, and are always road signs to the end.

Which is why I asked you what YOU want. Do you want to salvage this? Or do you want to vent and walk? Know that answer before you say anything.

And really, you want to have this discussion as calmly as possible without recrimination or ANYTHING that will push either of you to extremes and say unfortunate things out of excessive emotion.

 

[TX-Beau]

Maybe yes maybe no, but then your web browser doesn't automatically make you a false profile and target your boyfriend now does it?

Then insisting he show you the profile immediately like a naughty five year old is indeed demanding.

OP you want to know WHY if you want to keep this, and you can't force him to tell you, you have to convince him to tell you, if you just want to vent and leave - fire away.

 

[TX-Beau]

this is primarily for Lucky because we've discussed this before and I think at least don't really understand each other's position.

I'm not saying someone in this situation shouldn't be upset. OF course there is upset. But if you want to be able to trust your partner, you have to make it easy for him to tell you the truth. Even when he knows it's going to make you upset.

If you behave like a shrieking harpy, you increase the likelihood he will lie to you, if you respond with demands and rules you increase the likelihood he'll lie to you. If you behave like a rational adult, you increase the chances he won't lie to you. Nothing is guaranteed, and you may be dating a tool, but you are still in control of how much help or hindrance you give your relationship.

Relationships are not about who is right and who is wrong. People do stupid shit, how you deal with that is key - and that is driven by what you want out of your relationship. If you want to keep it, you'd better deal with it in a way that minimizes the damage not escalates it. If you decide you want out, hey do whatever you want and slam the door on your way out.

 

[fenndude]

so why were you on a dating website?
were you looking for a cheating b/f or looking for a date?

 

[UndieFreak]

Oh Wow.... I Look At This And Its Me A Month Ago... I Confronted My BF... I Only Saw His History.. Never Went To See Anything On The Site Because You Have To Register And I Didn't Want That.
So He Tells Me His Friend Told Him To Check It Out... He Had Been Checking That Website Sine June. That Was 3 Months. Not Daily.. AT Least Once A Month. So I Tell Him I Want Him To Log In And Let Me See What Going On. He Refused. I Told Him , I Even Begged Him To Let Me See And He Said To Trust Him. I Told Him That If He Didn't Show Me It Was Over.. He Still Said No. I Told Him That Once I Walked Out I Would Not Return Because He Could Then Get On The Site And Delete Things. So After An Hour Of Some Begging I Walked Out. 2 Weeks Later I Got Back To Him Because I Decided To Trust Him And A Week Later We Broke Up Again.
Ask Him To See His Interactions In The Profile. Don't Give Him A Chance To Modify His Private Information On The Site Like Messages.
Im Sorry To Hear What You Are Going Through... I Went Exactly Through It. Now I Have This Sad Feeling About It All. My Ex Swore He Never Did Anything Bad During Our Relationship. But I Still Don't Understand Why He Couldn't Show Me His Profile. He Was A Really Sweet Guy. I Really Thought He Was The One Until The Ending Of Our Relationship. I Hope You Find Nothing Bad And You Get A Chance To Continue With Your Relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

I think you are insinuating a tone in the OP's posts though. To me, what he said seems calm and collected. He even said he would approach his bf as calmly as possible.

And I don't think it's about wanting to keep your relationship or not. That decision isn't made unilaterally.. it's made based on what happens. It seems he knows what he wants out of a relationship and if his bf is presenting something he prefers not to deal with he will move on.

If I was dating someone and found a4a on his computer, that's a red flag and a reason for me to be suspicious. Perhaps I would deal with it differently than the OP but you can't fault him for checking to see if his bf had a profile.
He hasn't accused his bf, he didn't lie to his bf, he didn't read his bf's emails or dig into his account. Everything the OP has done so far IMHO is within bounds.
Asking (he said asking not demanding) that he see his bf's profile, photos or emails is WITHIN BOUNDS. Like the OP said, if his bf has nothing to hide than why not? When you do something suspicious like that, you owe your partner an explanation.

You said people do stupid shit... well we all don't have to put up with stupid shit. Personally, I don't want to put up with stupid shit, esp premeditated stupid shit It's not about dealing with it.. it's about self-worth and what you personally feel you deserve and desire.

No, no matter what someone else does that does not absolve you of anything. Your actions - right or wrong are yours. Period.

You don't have the right to look at someone else's private correspondence, suspicion does not give you that right and if you think he's cheating the best course is to SAY that before you do anything that makes the situation worse.

IF he actually just happened to stumble on something then he should have SAID something before going off and making fake profiles and involving himself in deceit.