Friend Problem

[shastamc24]

Hey,

This is an issue that has plagued me for quite some time, but I am becoming so frustrated by the fact that most gay guy friends that I have ever had have inevitably ended in awkwardness. I really only have two gay friends, other than my boyfriend, and I hooked up with both of them in the past and both times it led to awkwardness. In an ideal world, perhaps it shouldn't have led to those feelings, but it did. One of them was in love with me and told me as much. I did not really reciprocate the feelings. I felt terrible, and we ended up not talking for a while. Now, we are good friends, but there is still a lingering twinge of awkwardness.


Any other friends I had where this situation occurred more or less ended completely. It really gets me down and I am very hesitant to be friends with a gay guy now. I know that I need more gay friends, as I think it would be very good for me. Problem is, I don't trust myself or them to let it just be a friendship. Not to mention I am dating, and have also been in a situation where a "friend" knew that but still wanted to pursue something. That, of course, makes me even more reluctant to pursue a real friendship.

There was one friend who I hooked up with for a while and we ended up having a talk where I basically decided it wouldn't be a good idea to continue to sleep together. (I don't really do well with the "fuck buddy" concept, it seems. Sounds nice in theory, but doesn't work for me, I guess.) It was a very, very, very awkward conversation. I don't know if anyone here has had a situation or conversation like this with a gay friend? Did you stop talking or were you able to be friends again?

I guess my question is this: what can I do to not feel so hesitant and "weirded" out by making gay friends? I need to get over there but I can't! Any ideas? Thanks!

 

[sixthson]

It's simple--you set boundaries for yourself and your friends. You don't have sex with your friends. That should end any awkwardness.

 

[Rolyo85]

It's not simple. If it's real friendship, then sex will not ruin it, even if it's momentarily awkward. However, it simply isn't friendship if sex changes it. That's just an indication that the other guy hoped for/wanted something else, be it a relationship, or just a casual fuck.

Though I guess saying that you don't have sex with friends would be a good filter to see who really wants to just be friends, but being the giant whore that I am, I like to have my options open.

You can't avoid this element when you associate with other gay guys. It's like straight men becoming "just friends" with straight women, only in a hundred times smaller dating pool. The only way for the tension to not be there would be if both sides have zero attraction for each other. Did you have zero attraction for your gay friends? You slept with them, so I'm gonna assume no.

 

[Seasoned]

Some people treat sex much more casually than I do, however, sex can lead to emotional entanglement on the part of one or both. Decide who you want to fuck and who you want to befriend and don't interchange the two. That ought to take care of your problem.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Most of the closest gay friends are ones that I haven't slept with.

 

[shastamc24]

They were both attractive, but yeah, there was definitely no romantic attraction on my part. I guess I wanted to know if people have ever had to have "that talk" with a gay friend, and if it ended up ending it or just reevaluating the friendship? Did setting up boundaries end up helping the situation?

I know it's just something that happens, but I've just been bummed out about it because I have a boyfriend and I feel like there are a lot of gay guys that just go for people anyway.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

I guess my question is this: what can I do to not feel so hesitant and "weirded" out by making gay friends? I need to get over there but I can't! Any ideas? Thanks!

To answer your original question: I think you need to balance your mindset. First of all, if you want friends, then you need to make your primary intention platonic friendship. If you notice flirting or something, do not reciprocate. Keep your verbal and non-verbal communication regular. Second, and this may sound harsh but I mean no offense, but don't flatter yourself. Not every gay guy you meet wants to fuck you. You can't meet every gay guy thinking, "omg he wants me." Be more realistic. Does that make sense?

I guess I wanted to know if people have ever had to have "that talk" with a gay friend, and if it ended up ending it or just reevaluating the friendship?

To answer this, yes I have. This past semester I attended my campus's GSA. There were more girls than guys. Of the maybe 7 guys....4 of them liked me. 1 asked me out, to which I declined. The other constantly texted me and wanted to hang out, to which I eventually told him, "I'm sorry, I get the feeling you like me, and if that's true I want to let you know that I don't feel the same. I don't want to give you a wrong impression." One of them had a crush on me, but when I asked him he never admitted it. However, he is one of my best friends.

 

[shastamc24]

It does, thank you. I am going to try that in the future; make sure boundaries are clear. A lot of it has to do with some of my first experiences with sex, etc.

But has anyone any experiences or conversations where it ended up ending the friendship or changed it drastically? Since Roylo85 seems to keep friendship, sex and relationships separate, I didn't know if that meant it has never been much of an issue for you? Just trying to get some more opinions, but thanks for all the advice so far

 

[Rolyo85]

To me sex is not sacred in and of itself. It is a skill that we use to gain pleasure. What makes it special or not special is who you have it with, and in what circumstances. If you don't only masturbate with people you love, I don't see why you should only have sex with people you love. That said, I have only a few really close gay friends (though I know a ton of gay guys), and I haven't slept with any of them, except for one. With him there was no awkwardness at all.

 

[shastamc24]

Thanks I guess it's not much the sacred part, but I do feel like it's giving a part of yourself away to someone and I just want to make sure it's with someone I care about. I'm in a relationship now, and I currently have no desire to see anyone else, but it is something on my mind. With your one friend that you were/are? sleeping with, did you all never discuss the possibility of a relationship or did it end up just staying sort of sex and friendship only? I'm just wondering if you are still having sex with him, does it mean either of you want that someday? Or maybe it ended with you being with someone else?I guess it's harder for me to make that distinction, which is so frustrating! I almost wish it was easier. I need to get over it, but 'tisn't so easy. Thanks for your advice so far!

 

[Rolyo85]

It started as a hook up actually (though he is the only one it has ever been satisfying with, I need a bit of spark and familiarity to enjoy sex, so hook ups are simply not my thing), and we did it a bunch of times, meanwhile realizing we had a lot of common interests and enjoyed talking to each other. But neither of us had interest in pursuing more.

...also, he's my current bf's most recent ex, and though they are friends now, it was weird, because my bf and I became a couple gradually (we weren't planning on it originally) and at some point I just had to have a talk with the other guy cause that wasn't cool. He agreed because he also didn't want to hurt my man, and there was no awkwardness. We remained friends, just without the sex.