G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
"Friends - how many of us have them?" - Whodini
A bunch of things have happened recently - both in real life and online - that have gotten me thinking. (Relax - it doesn't show.) Specifically, I keep thinking about the word "friend", and what it means.
When I was a kid, I think it was easier. A friend was someone you hung out with. A schoolmate that you talked to outside of the confines of the classroom. The kid you could borrow a quarter from, and went to the arcade with, and wouldn't make fun of you for tripping over your shoelaces while playing kickball.
Yet even then, it wasn't extremely obvious. I was always really reluctant to call someone my friend until I KNEW. You know, until he invited me to his house, and he came to mine. Why the reluctance? Because it's like saying "I love you" - you don't want to be first. Because if you call Fred your "friend", and he doesn't think of you that way, how pathetic does that make you look? You're MAKING UP friends. You're PRETENDING that people are your friends, because you don't actually have any.
Nine-year-olds can be just as insecure as adults, apparently.
As a teen, it got worse. Because to make a friend, you had to be a friend. And to be a friend, you had to open up. Reveal yourself. Tell people what you were like. And the teenage years - at least mine - were not the time to open up. They were the time to shut down. To build the walls around you so that none may enter, so when the insults were hurled, you wouldn't feel them quite so harshly. To look at the world around you aloofly and with disdain, because i you don't care, nothing will hurt you.
I had some issues in high school.
But I also had some friends. Somehow, people found chinks in the armor, but didn't shove spears into them. And somehow, the relationships grew.
Adulthood is easier, I guess. But we rarely make "friends". We don't often introduce people as our "friends". "This is Susan, my co-worker." "This is Michael, who lives in my apartment building." "This is Jose, who's in my Japanese class."
It's as if we're saying, "Yes, I know this person - but there's a REASON I know this person."
Friendship is different in the 21st century. I've met people online that I would probably consider friends, but I've never even met them. Hell, I haven't even spoken to most of them on the phone. I've wondered how that would play if they came out to visit, and I had to introduce them. "This is Bryce, from Sacramento, who, like me, also enjoys posting about obscure cartoons on the Internet."
Time to dust off the old one - "This is Bryce, my friend."
Places like MySpace have reduced "friendship" to a simple e-mail. Shanique wants to be my friend, and all I know about her is that she has a webcam. They even have the Top 8. Now you can RANK your friends! "These are my BESTEST friends!" I run across people whose Top 8 include 30 Seconds to Mars and Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie For Theaters. When your bestest friend is a movie...* Even this place has "buddy lists". If I post with you a while, and we get along great, should we add each other to our buddy lists? If we don't, will people think something's wrong? Are we required to keep our buddy lists in good order? Say, if you and I stop posting in the same threads for a week, month, six months, should I, in all good conscience, but with a heavy heart, remove you from my buddy list?
I suddenly realized I don't even know who's ON my buddy list, and here I am dissing it. Lemme go look....hm. Nobody. But I know I'm on a couple people's lists. Should I find out who, and reciprocate?
Way off track again. Sorry.
So what is a friend? It finally hit me (slowly - I ain't too swift) that "friend" is a label, and as such, can be applied as indiscriminately, or as discriminately (?), as anyone sees fit. If you've got 1000 "friends" on myspace, and you consider them as such, more power to you. Perhaps I'm more conservative than that.
But that just pushes the question from the universal to the personal. What is a friend to ME? If I can point to this person and say, "Yeah, I'd consider her a friend" but point to another and say, "No, not really"...where is the line? At what point does the relationship become a friendship to me? I guess I'm not entirely sure. I used to think i meant, "I'd feel comfortable calling this person up at 3am because I really need to talk." But I've since found that most of my possible-friends probably pass this litmus test. Is it because they ARE friends? Is it because I'm a good friend, and draw good friends to me? Or is it because people are too polite to hang up on someone they know at 3am? "Dude, seriously, call me back when the sun's warm..."
Perhaps the real question now should be "Why the hell do I care?" I mean, why should it matter if Person A is "friend" and person B isn't? Person B isn't a worse person - I just don't know him as well, and perhaps even choose not to. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy Person B on his own merits, and enjoy doing things with him.
Something else I'm noticing. All friendships take some work. But some take more than others. With a lot of them, it's worth it. I've got friends in other states, and I call them once in awhile instead of e-mailing. It gives the friendship a sense of permanence, and seems to reconnect me to the individual.
But with other friendships, it's not so cut and dried. You tend to deal with, or work past, your friend's problems/faults/idiosyncracies. But sometimes it's too much work, for not enough payoff. For instance, if you have a distant friend that only contacts you when you contact them, you might wonder if it's worth keeping up - if the interaction you get is worth the effort of always doing the upkeep.
So sometimes, I start thinking, "You know what? Fuck it - it ain't worth it" and stop trying. But then my conscience kicks in - is that what friends do? Stop trying if it becomes a hassle? Doesn't this person need someone like you in his life now?
It was a lot easier when we just went to the arcade.
Lex
* - Yes, all my Top 8 are bands. But I've at least met all of them. Sure, five of them I've only met once, but...look, PM and I'll explain it there if you really wanna know.
A bunch of things have happened recently - both in real life and online - that have gotten me thinking. (Relax - it doesn't show.) Specifically, I keep thinking about the word "friend", and what it means.
When I was a kid, I think it was easier. A friend was someone you hung out with. A schoolmate that you talked to outside of the confines of the classroom. The kid you could borrow a quarter from, and went to the arcade with, and wouldn't make fun of you for tripping over your shoelaces while playing kickball.
Yet even then, it wasn't extremely obvious. I was always really reluctant to call someone my friend until I KNEW. You know, until he invited me to his house, and he came to mine. Why the reluctance? Because it's like saying "I love you" - you don't want to be first. Because if you call Fred your "friend", and he doesn't think of you that way, how pathetic does that make you look? You're MAKING UP friends. You're PRETENDING that people are your friends, because you don't actually have any.
Nine-year-olds can be just as insecure as adults, apparently.
As a teen, it got worse. Because to make a friend, you had to be a friend. And to be a friend, you had to open up. Reveal yourself. Tell people what you were like. And the teenage years - at least mine - were not the time to open up. They were the time to shut down. To build the walls around you so that none may enter, so when the insults were hurled, you wouldn't feel them quite so harshly. To look at the world around you aloofly and with disdain, because i you don't care, nothing will hurt you.
I had some issues in high school.
But I also had some friends. Somehow, people found chinks in the armor, but didn't shove spears into them. And somehow, the relationships grew.
Adulthood is easier, I guess. But we rarely make "friends". We don't often introduce people as our "friends". "This is Susan, my co-worker." "This is Michael, who lives in my apartment building." "This is Jose, who's in my Japanese class."
It's as if we're saying, "Yes, I know this person - but there's a REASON I know this person."
Friendship is different in the 21st century. I've met people online that I would probably consider friends, but I've never even met them. Hell, I haven't even spoken to most of them on the phone. I've wondered how that would play if they came out to visit, and I had to introduce them. "This is Bryce, from Sacramento, who, like me, also enjoys posting about obscure cartoons on the Internet."
Time to dust off the old one - "This is Bryce, my friend."
Places like MySpace have reduced "friendship" to a simple e-mail. Shanique wants to be my friend, and all I know about her is that she has a webcam. They even have the Top 8. Now you can RANK your friends! "These are my BESTEST friends!" I run across people whose Top 8 include 30 Seconds to Mars and Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie For Theaters. When your bestest friend is a movie...* Even this place has "buddy lists". If I post with you a while, and we get along great, should we add each other to our buddy lists? If we don't, will people think something's wrong? Are we required to keep our buddy lists in good order? Say, if you and I stop posting in the same threads for a week, month, six months, should I, in all good conscience, but with a heavy heart, remove you from my buddy list?
I suddenly realized I don't even know who's ON my buddy list, and here I am dissing it. Lemme go look....hm. Nobody. But I know I'm on a couple people's lists. Should I find out who, and reciprocate?
Way off track again. Sorry.
So what is a friend? It finally hit me (slowly - I ain't too swift) that "friend" is a label, and as such, can be applied as indiscriminately, or as discriminately (?), as anyone sees fit. If you've got 1000 "friends" on myspace, and you consider them as such, more power to you. Perhaps I'm more conservative than that.
But that just pushes the question from the universal to the personal. What is a friend to ME? If I can point to this person and say, "Yeah, I'd consider her a friend" but point to another and say, "No, not really"...where is the line? At what point does the relationship become a friendship to me? I guess I'm not entirely sure. I used to think i meant, "I'd feel comfortable calling this person up at 3am because I really need to talk." But I've since found that most of my possible-friends probably pass this litmus test. Is it because they ARE friends? Is it because I'm a good friend, and draw good friends to me? Or is it because people are too polite to hang up on someone they know at 3am? "Dude, seriously, call me back when the sun's warm..."
Perhaps the real question now should be "Why the hell do I care?" I mean, why should it matter if Person A is "friend" and person B isn't? Person B isn't a worse person - I just don't know him as well, and perhaps even choose not to. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy Person B on his own merits, and enjoy doing things with him.
Something else I'm noticing. All friendships take some work. But some take more than others. With a lot of them, it's worth it. I've got friends in other states, and I call them once in awhile instead of e-mailing. It gives the friendship a sense of permanence, and seems to reconnect me to the individual.
But with other friendships, it's not so cut and dried. You tend to deal with, or work past, your friend's problems/faults/idiosyncracies. But sometimes it's too much work, for not enough payoff. For instance, if you have a distant friend that only contacts you when you contact them, you might wonder if it's worth keeping up - if the interaction you get is worth the effort of always doing the upkeep.
So sometimes, I start thinking, "You know what? Fuck it - it ain't worth it" and stop trying. But then my conscience kicks in - is that what friends do? Stop trying if it becomes a hassle? Doesn't this person need someone like you in his life now?
It was a lot easier when we just went to the arcade.
Lex
* - Yes, all my Top 8 are bands. But I've at least met all of them. Sure, five of them I've only met once, but...look, PM and I'll explain it there if you really wanna know.