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Friendships and Relationships

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elohim2010

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Hi, I've been best friends with this guy for about 6 years. We're both gay. I'm in a LTR. "Steve" and I were always close friends.....except anytime he gets into a relationship. In the 6 years we've been friends, he's been in two serious relationships. The first relationship he was in lasted a year, and during the year he was in that relationship, he completely disappeared. I also met his boyfriend at a party.....along with everyone else. When they split after a year, "Steve" reappeared.

Fast forward a few years, he's been in a relationship since the Fall 2015......and "Steve" has disappeared again. The last communication we had was from a text in September 2016; the last serious conversation we had was probably in April 2016; last time we actually hung out was in May 2016. However, he seems to not be too busy to spend all of his time with his boyfriend or his boyfriend's friends (I know this because I see the pictures on Facebook). I actually confronted him about this earlier in 2016, about not hanging out as much, as tactfully as possible. Needless to say, not much changed at all.

"Steve" seems to be the only friend I have who can't balance a relationship with being friends. I have friends who have recently gotten married or had children, and I've seen those friends more since their major life event than I have seen "Steve" in a year.

I miss him and think about a lot, but in many ways life has gone on without him. Do I make one last effort and say something.....or just write him and the friendship off? Good friendships as adults are hard to come by, so I hate to split, but in many ways, he already has.
 
Relationships eat time, though it´s impossible not to make some to see a friend, especially a GOOD friend. Maybe you´re his go-to-guy when his social life is dying? I would write or call him and ask him to go get a drink to tell each other what´s new in your lives. If he doesn´t want to do that, go find a better friend.
 
Like aaggii said, it sounds like you are his go-to guy when he isn't in a relationship. He knows that you will always be there for when he is in lonely but otherwise you don't matter to him.

It actually kind of sounds like you guys just don't have stuff in common, he dates people he has stuff in common with leading to him hanging out with different people. When he isn't dating people he hangs out with you out of being lonely and knowing you will be there. I had a friend that I had nothing in common with and whenever he was bored we hung out, if there were other people available I was at the background of everything.
 
Let me add a bit.....

Steve and I do have a bit in common. Went to school together and studied the same subject. Similar political views, movie interests, tv shows, etc.

His current boyfriend, who I am sure is a nice guy, is a Latin American immigrant and doesn't speak or understand a word of English, except for a few common phrases (ie, where is the bathroom? what time is it? etc.). Needless to say, if me and my BF or me and other friends hang out with Steve and his BF, there is such a language and cultural gap with Steve's BF that it is impossible to bridge (and none of us are fluent or can carry on a conversation with him). It's not like we are trying to be rude, we just can't carry on a conversation with him and talk about stuff that friends talk about.....politics, weather, hopes/dreams/fears, bullshitting, joking, etc.
 
I am like Steve...so are most of my friends.....they often disappear when a relationship begins and reappear when it ends....

Why? I'd rather spend time with my husband....I love his company. We are best friends....alot of relationships are like this. I wasn't like this with the one before...I didn't like him much.

There is also the aspect of a friend offering unsolicited and uninvited "opinions" of a significant other that are not welcome..and instead of compromising and then ensuing drama..better to just avoid it....

Right now...my best friend who is straight..haven't seen him in three months now..used to see him daily.... I already know why. He would rather spend time with her...I get it. I know it isn't anything personal or about me at all.
 
And I get that I do, but I also have friends who are newly weds or new parents......major life changes.....but I've seen more of them since their major life event than I have Steve in the past 12 months. Flakey? Can't balance relationship / friendship? Something else? I'm not sure. But if I have other friends who I can see who are new to relationships (and they haven't fallen off the face of the earth), then surely Steve can.
 
If you were friends I still think he would try and make the time to talk to you at least and hang out sometimes, not just basically cut everything off. I've been in a few relationships where I love the guy unconditionally but I will still take time out to talk to friends or hang out with them just because they are my friends.

I don't really understand about basically cutting a "friend" off because you are worried about what they will say or causing unnecessary drama, if someone is bad for me and a friend notices I welcome their opinion or just ignore it if it isn't true. If the person complains constantly about everyone and just wants to create drama then they probably shouldn't be a friend even when you are single.

Just try and move on, if the person comes back it would be great but it still just sounds like they like you when they are lonely. You even confronted him about not hanging out as much and it doesn't seem like he even cared, you aren't important to him right now.

Just don't take it too hard. Apparently, see above, it is common for people to just cut their friends off.
 
elohim2010 said:
Let me add a bit.....

Steve and I do have a bit in common. Went to school together and studied the same subject. Similar political views, movie interests, tv shows, etc.

His current boyfriend, who I am sure is a nice guy, is a Latin American immigrant and doesn't speak or understand a word of English, except for a few common phrases (ie, where is the bathroom? what time is it? etc.). Needless to say, if me and my BF or me and other friends hang out with Steve and his BF, there is such a language and cultural gap with Steve's BF that it is impossible to bridge (and none of us are fluent or can carry on a conversation with him). It's not like we are trying to be rude, we just can't carry on a conversation with him and talk about stuff that friends talk about.....politics, weather, hopes/dreams/fears, bullshitting, joking, etc.
Click to expand...

That´s bullshit. When I came to Spain, I only knew the basics like your friend. Yet, my bf´s friends and later other people I met here made sure I was ok and were always trying to engage me in a conversation. Use an online dictionary or some app that translates everything in real time. Be a good friend.
 
A well rounded life includes separate activities for partners in a relationship, in my opinion, but we're all different. I don't think it's particularly healthy to ever ignor friends or lose one's interests when in a relationship. Since he's done it repeatedly, he could be very co-dependent, thinking this is how to keep a partner
 
I have a friend much like "steve" that has come and gone numerous times...known him for 30 years or so. At first it bugged me, now I just accept him for who he is. When we do manage to see each other out or at a party, it's all good...like no time has passed.

Reach out to him on occassion just to say "hey...what's up?", or let him know you'd like to get together with him and his boyfriend sometime...maybe invite them over for dinner and/or board games...maybe with some of your other friends. Perhaps make more of an effort to communicate with his bf.

I don't see a need to write him off or end the friendship though...just accept it for what it is.
 
It's normal for your friends who are in relationships or who are married or who have children to focus on those "family" relationships. Juggling relationships, especially new relationships, takes some effort.

There are plenty of people who can juggle- they do it every day. There are also plenty of people who realize that lovers come and go but friends last a lifetime.

With that said, your friend isn't juggling. He's using you as a backup when he doesn't have a relationship.

You have two choices:
  1. You can accept that your friend values boyfriends over friends
  2. You can move on to other friends who put friendships on a higher priority (or at least equal priority to boyfriends)
 
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