Frustrated with Dating and this Boy

[jayamsterdam]

I don't even know if I need advice, or just a place to vent.

Moved back to the SF Bay Area about two months ago for a new job. I was living in a rural town, now I live in the urban area (where I'm from and I love it here).
As so many of us do, I was on grindr; however, I am 27 years old and went through a whore phase from age 17 to about 25, so I am not that big on finding a hookup on there.
I met some guy who, like everyone else, wanted to hook up with me. We found each other attractive and kept chatting over texting, rather than on the phone. I made him wait two weeks before he could meet me. We went out on a date to San Francisco, where we had sushi, then went to happy hour, and to a club. Mind you, this is after talking for two weeks for a few hours a day over text, and finally meeting in person.
We ended up kissing on the dance floor, before driving back to my house.
Yeah, we ended up in bed together, and it was incredible.
We've been keeping up the texting, going out to dinner, drinking wine at my place, and have had sex about 5 times in the past two months. We hold hands when we're at my house, unless I'm helping him with his homework, and he seems comfortable sharing things with me about his family, showing off pictures of his nieces and nephews, etc.

At about the week 4 mark, he was having a friend come visit from out of town, so he was busy that weekend - he then did not see me for two weeks, saying he was too busy. I told him straight up that I was getting frustrated, that I wanted to be around someone who would see me more than every two weeks, and if he could not handle that, I may have to start looking for other people to associate with. He was very apologetic, and two days later surprised me by leaving a beautiful cupcake/bunt cake at my door, "...just because..." (that was the nicest thing a boy has ever done for me, seriously!).

We hung out later that week, drinking wine and eating dinner...he came over last weekend, and we had some of the BEST SEX EVER. He stayed the night and we cuddled the entire time. It was incredible.
Well, the entire week goes by and we are texting each other after work.

On Friday, I ask him if he wants to chill. He says he can't, because his grandma, aunt, and cousin are coming to town. I believe him, because I've had many boys lie to me in the past, and I've developed a gut feeling for liars. My gut tells me he is NOT lying. He says his grandma comes first (with a smiley face) and that he hasn't seen her in a while, and I told him that I don't blame him and to have a great time!

However, and here is where I am upset and not sure if I'm just being impatient/insecure: he has NOT texted me all weekend, not even to say hi, and today I kinda was looking forward to hearing from him, and still he has not texted me.

I don't wanna text him, because I don't wanna seem needy...but what do I do? I am going CRAZY at the fact that he is not texting me. LIKE SUPER CRAZY!

This upcoming weekend is Memorial Weekend and he is flying home for a wedding, which means I'll go even longer without seeing him.

Am I crazy....?!?! HELP!

 

[medic1]

Perhaps you are coming across as very needy and rather me, me, me. Also using the old "i may look elsewhere, line" could be construed as emotional blackmail.
Have you stopped to think that the reason why he has not been in contact for 48 hours, is because he is busy with his "family"?
You have only known the guy two months, yet you seem to want to "dictate" the when, where and how. I don't think there is anything more off-putting than being a "control-freak" especially at the beginning of a new "relationship/adventure". From your post, it seems that you both like each other. Is there a reason why you feel so insecure with the dynamics you have with him? My advice would be don't rush the guy, or place him in a situation of choosing, just because he has been busy catching up with family members he has not seen for a while. Remember, you made him wait two weeks before you met up. So in that context, 48 hours is really nothing.
No, i do not think you are crazy, just rushing into this too quickly, and perhaps feeling insecure because you like the guy. Try not to read too much into him not being in contact. He must like you, if he is leaving you a cake on the door-step. Take it down a couple of gears, and try not to issue ultimatums. Hope it works out for you both.

 

[eastofeden]

I think Medic's advice is good. Give him some breathing room and let things unfold as they will. Accept what he tells you at face value unless he gives you a reason not to and dial it down a notch or two and give him some space....

When you see him again you might tell him how much you missed him and hoped he would text but keep it light and breezy. In the meantime...find a way to relax and don't let the thoughts get obsessive or let them consume you....

 

[Seasoned]

You seem to want monogamy and a claim on his time. Do you know what he wants, or are you making assumptions.

There was a time when "dating" didn't necessarily mean serial monogamy, but, rather, getting out and getting to know several people until things got serious with one of them. The "one at a time" mentality certainly slows things down.

The fact that he's still in school either means he's younger or has different priorities and perhaps less free time. If you wish to keep this exclusive it seems you're going to have to keep yourself busy so as to not spend too much time waiting for him to meet up with you and/or text.

 

[KaraBulut]

You've been chatting over the 6-8 weeks, right? You've gone out on a few dates in the past 4-6 weeks? You've had sex and he's slept over a few times?

If you go back and read your post, there's a lot of focus on you and your needs and what you expect from him.

Where's the part where you talk about what you're doing for him? What thoughtful things have you done? How have you been supportive of him? How have you been supportive of his need to have some personal time to be with his family, to take care of the obligations in his life and to have his own space?

The people who have responded in the thread are cautioning you to slow down and not push this guy away with your needs and demands. Adding to that, it's important to take a look at the demands that you're putting on the relationship. You want a lot out of this relationship but you're not putting in an equal share which includes respecting the other person's need for space and being more understanding that they have a life that is separate from you. If you can't back off and set aside the demands you're putting on him, you will drive him away.

 

[aaggii]

Agree with everything said so far. Also, talk to him, when you´re together. I mean TALK, no accusations like ¨why didn´t you text me, etc etc¨. Let your expectations of this relationship known and find out his.

 

[sidekick1914]

Agree with all that's been said. Do you see the common thread in alll the messages? Cut him some slack. Focus on his needs and wishes and less on your own. Otherwise that only thing you will be successful at here is loosing him. But he does sound like a keeper.

 

[TX-Beau]

Most of this has already been said - I just want to reiterate, don't ever tell a guy "...do X or I'm going to see other people..."

That isn't emotional blackmail, it's straight up extortion. I would have walked out the door just because of that.

So what it seems to me, you were monopolizing his time, and he went into overload, then you made your ultimatum, and he capitulated which DID NOT solve the issue (ultimatums never do.) He went back into overload, and whether he's telling you the truth or not, expect more excuses, he probably won't want to tell you what's going on with him because you've established precedent.

People always demand that their partners be "honest," but actually keeping a partner honest has a lot to do with creating an environment that allows it. For example if he likes to go out and toss back a few with his buddies, and you hate that and give him shit for it every time, at some point he's going to stop telling you where he's been.

You have unfortunately started down a path where this guy probably feels that he has to spend every second in some kind of communication with you, or have a very good excuse, and that WILL lead to lying. Plus you DON'T really know each other all that well yet, back off, cool down.

It's fun at the beginning, that infatuation stage, but that has to pass for any kind of real relationship to develop, and being around someone 24/7 isn't all that healthy for either of you.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I agree with all the previous posts. But also, maybe consider the fact that he is not a natural texter. There are a lot of people who don't feel "compelled" to send a text message every 5 minutes just to small talk; in other words, if he doesn't have a purpose for texting someone he wont naturally reach for the phone.

The times before he could have felt like he had something to say to you since you guys had just met, or simply responding to your text messages.

If he wasn't responding at all, then I think there might be an issue of avoiding you. But you have no right to expect a text message when you haven't sent one .

 

[jayamsterdam]

OMG, U guys are 110% right.
He texted me this morning, wondering where I had been because I usually text him a lot.
We have been chatting all day again.
I think you guys are spot on, and I am so foolish for not recognizing the things you have all mentioned.

For instance, yes, you're right - I am only focusing on ME, yet preaching to other people that relationships should be 100% for both partners. I will have to think of a way to do something nice for him, or take care of his needs.

I'm somewhat aware of where my insecurity stems from, and involves me "dating" a 40 year old while I was in the closet, who was physically and emotionally abusive, and also a registered sex offender (again, its a long story and very complicated, but lets just say - he made me feel inferior every day and completely ruined my trust in men. In fact, I couldn't CUM WITH a guy for 4 years, until i met the guy I am discussing in this post, because of the emotional trauma).

Long story short, I will go into that dramatic tale later - but thank you all for kind of kicking me in the nuts here and making me realize I shouldn't be this way!

 

[eastofeden]

^^^I am glad he texted you and also that you listened....I hope he is "that guy" and if not...I hope you enjoy the ride.

It is true that past experiences can effect you so maybe that is a great place to start....sometimes just talking about it out loud can give you better perspective and some closure.

 

[medic1]

I can only echo eastofeden's post, You seem to have taking our tough love approach the right way. I am sorry to hear that your last relationship was an abusive one. This does explain a lot, i am glad that we were able to put some perspective on this for you. Wishing you both well. Adam.

 

[aaggii]

Yay for happy endings

 

[rareboy]

I told him straight up that I was getting frustrated, that I wanted to be around someone who would see me more than every two weeks, and if he could not handle that, I may have to start looking for other people to associate with.

We call this 'Fucking up'.

Worst.

Move.

Ever.

Don't ever do this again. You just got off lucky this time.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm somewhat aware of where my insecurity stems from, and involves me "dating" a 40 year old while I was in the closet, who was physically and emotionally abusive, and also a registered sex offender ...

Given the history, you might tell him that you have issues with insecurities that you're working on and that if you're being too pushy, give him the permission to tell you that you're crowding him and that you're okay if he tells you when he needs for you to back off a bit.

Another suggestion- instead of stressing out over whether he's going to text, just get in the habit of texting or calling each other to wish each other good morning and good night. Any other texts during the day should just be extra when you have available time, if you have something that is important or when you're thinking about each other. Looking at calls and texts as a positive reinforcement instead of a constant reassurance might take some pressure off of both of you.