frustrating when your friends stereotype you?

[evanrick]

so a couple of my friends whom i dont really know outside of work have said some homophobic things around me and i can only attribute it to stereotyping because they would only say the things they said if they KNEW i was gay,

it has made me feel that i cant be myself around them and i feel its been a mistake to tell them.

i admit i stereotype too but people including me often dont realize that stereotypes are often negative impressions perpetuated by more stereotyping.

i can also attribute their attitudes with a general sense of dissatisfaction with their own lives so they use stereotypes to make themselves feel better.

i admit i do this too but i find the more i am around people like this the more i pick up on their bad habits like racism and sexism.

now im kinda deciding what to do when this happens, should i let it go or correct them?

it can be so frustrating knowing that people can so easily buy into these misconceptions as i try not to.

and if i correct them about their misconceptions, they take it personally.

has anyone else faced this type of situation as its causing some friction.

 

[Seasoned]

I know what you mean and as I've gotten older I usually make the correction. I try to do it based on who's doing it, taking care to just get my point across without a lecture. Sometimes humor or sarcasm works for me, other times a pointed remark. I think the problem can stem from clueless people trying to show they're "in the know." I think it's best to say something so as not to explode or lash out later.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am incredibly arrogant, so I don't think any advice I could give for a situation like that would work for others, but what I do is I put on my best smirk and ask a sarcastic question, making it clear that what they said is directly offensive to me. That makes them feel all manner of awkward about it and realize how uncool it is to say stuff like that.

 

[HunterM]

I do correct people with the attitude to inform/enlighten them. That's it. Just like a news reporter reporting a story. His/her purpose is to educate the masses. No attitude. I don't take it personally. You also have to understand stereotypes and cliches have their roots in some truth.

If it bothers you and you don't kindly let them know, how will they learn to behave better around you or other gays in the future? Take it as a personal mission to inform the ill-informed.

 

[jensu846]

I am out. sometimes when I'm with a group of straight guy friends, one of them will say something like, "that was such a gay movie" or "thats just gay", but then as soon as they say it, they catch themselves and look at me and say "oh sorry, no disrespect to you". Now, I can take this 2 different ways. 1. I am happy that they "forget" for a second that I am gay and feel comfortable enough around me to say things like that. OR 2. They are always saying homophobic shit when I'm not around, making me wonder what they really think of me.
I'm glad that they catch themselves and maybe will learn to eliminate that expression all together. and not just in my company.

 

[palbert]

Paraphrasing Henry II in The Lion in Winter, I tell them I've slept with boys, girls, men and women, the occasional sheep, but at my age I prefer my dog. Has shut them up every time.

 

[HunterM]

I'm glad that they catch themselves and maybe will learn to eliminate that expression all together. and not just in my company.

This shows your friends respect you as a gay person. Good friends to have.

 

[timboy]

I tell the people i am close to and want to know i am gay , loads assume and pass it on to others . As far as i,m concerned the ones that count are the ones i have told , not really interested in the rest

 

[Wahoo87]

I tell the people i am close to and want to know i am gay , loads assume and pass it on to others . As far as i,m concerned the ones that count are the ones i have told , not really interested in the rest

Agreed! I have the same philosophy. If people wanna be brave and ask me, (and if there are cocktails present!) I will give them a detailed account of my sexual evolution... but if they just want to assume one way or another, their lose. Last week at a company softball game I heard some co works discussing how I was the "new kind of gay". Neither of them have ever asked me about my partner preference. At first I was sort of offended, but now I don't really care... I just wish I would have called them out on it at the time... coming back with something witty and wise.

 

[Kaigon]

What irritates me is the instant feminisation of homosexuals.

People can't tell that I'm gay until I tell them - yet as soon as they know, they see it as a green light to make all sorts of feminising comments. Little things, such as being in social situations and the women pointedly coming out with shit like "oh, [x], you should know about that ;D"

Thinking about it, it's the chicks that do it. I've never had a gay guy feminise me before. It's the girls that somehow try and assert their...masculinity...over gays? Not sure how that works. I think I might be seeing it the wrong way round =P

but yeah, don't think that I'm mistaking friendly banter for homosexual prejudice. It's not prejudice at all - it's just fucking irritating when this banter is used as a method for putting you down. As if being gay somehow makes you less of a man. And no-one likes their masculinity being challenged. ¬¬

 

[aberro21]

at a company softball game I heard some co works discussing how I was the "new kind of gay".

What did they mean by that?

 

[TX-Beau]

.... co works discussing how I was the "new kind of gay". Neither of them have ever asked me about my partner preference. At first I was sort of offended, but now I don't really care... I just wish I would have called them out on it at the time... coming back with something witty and wise...

No this is a very old type of gay, the new kind of gay drags his partner to the company softball game and it doesn't occur to him that anyone might have an issue with that.

He also speaks up when people are in general bigoted and prejudiced.

 

[Rolyo85]

Word. I have always been immensely fascinated by the "I only tell if people ask me, it's nobody's business" attitude. What have you got to hide? What do you have to be ashamed of?

 

[wikke1]

Word. I have always been immensely fascinated by the "I only tell if people ask me, it's nobody's business" attitude. What have you got to hide? What do you have to be ashamed of?

I'm not out for that long...
But, I mean, I just don't really see another option.
Why should I tell everyone? Sincere question here...
I dunno, seems so "random" to bring it up while having lunch with eg colleagues or mere acquaintances (not real friends). "Did you know I'm gay and have been struggling to come out of the closet for years?" "I'm gay so I like dicks"; "I'm gay, yet I don't fancy [add a particular stereotype here]"
These are things I talk about to friends, all the rest, well, I'm no longer afraid they "might find out", but I'm not going to actively start informing them about it...?
I'll admit that maybe it has to do with me not wanting to be reduced to "the gay one". But is that wrong?

 

[Rolyo85]

The last part is. If you're ashamed of the stereotypes, then you think of them as somehow less than the straight stereotypes in which people would otherwise put you. And they aren't. The flamiest party boy, dressed in rainbow colors who can't keep his legs shut or his mouth closed when he sees a dick is not even a little bit less than the biggest football watching, car-knowing business macho in the world.

And I am an attention whore, so my point of view is skewed, but it just ticks me off when someone doesn't know this about me. I wear a (very cool leather) rainbow bracelet. That gives people the signal if they're not blind. And I let slip little things ("That's an awesome app! My bf also uses it.") so that they will know. And once they do, I observe and draw conclusions.

We've been in the closet and struggled with it for long enough. It's time people knew, whether it matters to them or not. And I wanna ask a sincere question too - can you tell me with 100% certainty and without a shadow of doubt that you don't censor your speech when talking to strangers? Even unconsciously? Because I know that 25 years in the closet have conditioned me to do just that. And so I try to break away from it. Little sexuality-revealing details abound in everyday communication without ever actively meaning to talk about it. Except, we gays have programed ourselves to stifle them.

 

[wikke1]

Answer to your sincere question:
I (probably) do. Since I'm a musician, I have a very sensitive ear, and when I (used to) hear myself recorded, I always found that I "sound a bit gay"
[And I don't even know if you mean by "censoring" your speech "editing" it or literally changing (a little) the way you speak. ]

People wear a lot of masks, in a lot of situations.
However, I don't feel like the situation is as simple as you put it.
Maybe you feel like what I'm saying is not right (and you could be right about that), but I feel that as a form of "self protection" or "professionalism", it isn't necessarily a bad thing to stay a bit low key about your sexuality. E.G. I'm a lawyer. For a lot of my clients (who are in prison etc.), I prefer them not knowing I'm "the gay lawyer".
This is still something different than being ashamed of who you are (which I used to be).

I always appreciate your imput. You come across as a very confident, intelligent, yet (very) intense person

 

[Rolyo85]

Thanks for the compliments I know I can come across too strong, but I do believe in what I say.

"Censoring" to me applies to information. I meant editing what you (don't) say.

Anyway, it is never as simple as that, and I am fully aware of it. Yet I strongly believe that we need to be out there. Not with feathers up our ass, but as musicians (I am one, professionally), doctors, lawyers, people on every level of society, not just the artsy limp-wristed cocktail elite that the general population sees us as. Again and again, and again, we have to make a point of it, until it's no longer a point to be made.

Of course, one's personal safety should always come first, but we have to be sure the danger is OUTSIDE our head.

 

[wikke1]

Cool, what do you do as musician?
Classical or rock/pop or... ?
*sorry going off topic*

 

[Rolyo85]

Classical. Violin going on 22 years now

 

[borednew]

Why should I tell everyone? Sincere question here...
I dunno, seems so "random" to bring it up while having lunch with eg colleagues or mere acquaintances (not real friends). "Did you know I'm gay and have been struggling to come out of the closet for years?" "I'm gay so I like dicks"; "I'm gay, yet I don't fancy [add a particular stereotype here]"
These are things I talk about to friends, all the rest, well, I'm no longer afraid they "might find out", but I'm not going to actively start informing them about it...?
I'll admit that maybe it has to do with me not wanting to be reduced to "the gay one". But is that wrong?

EXACTLY.

Outside of people who might be interested in dating/having sex with you, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE gives a flying fuck about who you fuck/find attractive, and if they do, then, well, they're kind of sad, pathetic, bored, boring, dysfunctional people who, in addition, most likely don't have lives of their own. I know many people in here would like to believe the whole universe spins around them and their homosexuality/sexual exploits/activities, but reality is very, very different.