Gather All the Heartache

[crzyrazn]

Hey Everyone,

This is my first time posting a thread on the JUB forums, and it is yet another story of a love that dare not speak its name. You have to love these stories, right? But I had nowhere else to turn to to relieve my frustrations, and they have become more than I can bear any longer. I suppose I should begin with the basics.

I am a 21 y/o closeted gay guy from SC, never been in a relationship (not even remotely), and feeling more miserable as my days pass on. Currently I am in college and studying hard to achieve my education. However, lately, I have been self-reflecting due to some emotional problems I have been having, and have discovered that I am really unhappy and lost (if that's a good way to describe it); feeling uninterested, like nothing has any meaning left in it. Anyway, I realize that these thoughts and feelings have arisen from me not having experienced a relationship with another person (I assume, being a gay forum, you all know the psychological and emotional babel that this entails, so I need not elaborate. You've heard it a million times). Lately, however, after awhile of trying to hide them, the feelings have grown more intense. Almost to the point where I want to physically act upon them, in any sort of way I can just to fucking relieve myself of them. I know this seems so self-loathing and miserably dramatic...it probably is. Anyway, lately, while I am chillin with my friends, I have realized that I am developing an interest in one of the guys who I'll call Ben.

I have wondered as to his sexuality for a time now...it's just some things, probably the inconsequential boosted to the meaningful by wishful thinking. Well, getting back to the plot...As I was saying above about my needs becoming more uncontrollable, I really want to know if there is a chance that Ben and I could happen. The problem, of course, is my status as closeted, with some self-confidence issues contributing (I am a fucking basket case), and my being unsure as to his status. It is on my mind constantly, and I can't stop imagining scenarios where I can somehow convey to him the message without risking myself, but that is not possible. It has left me in a conundrum of hopeless beginnings and uncertain endings. For a time now, I have even considered just coming out to...I don't know, just to fucking be out (side affect of wanting to act out). I am so tired of this bullshit. I just know I can't do that, and it has left me feeling trapped. Ben is exactly my type and it just damn well tortures me that I may be letting something slip away when I have nothing that I can afford to waste. If only I could talk to him and be sure of his reaction, even if it was just to tell me "sorry," just to let him know without my fear of letting everyone know. I don't know why I came here to post this, because I am sure that I have seen all the advice you can give on these issues. It's just that I look around and see everyone so optimistic about budding relationships and people who have been together for a long time and I want that - not to be alone. But I guess it was worth it to post it somewhere, and it'll be a comfort to know that my thoughts are no longer my own to sit in silent ponderance over. I just don't know what I can do with them any longer.

 

[G-Lexington]

I think you've brilliantly verbalized what a lot of people here have experienced, and you seem to have a good handle on what precisely the problem is.

Opportunity cost. If you know of a great investment opportunity, even if you know it's a "sure thing", you'll have to invest some of your money in order to make a return. And there's that chance that you won't see that money again.

However, situations like yours happen for a reason. They enable us to get out of our little "safe places" and make a move. You're getting pressed into a place where a move is necessary.

So do tell. What are the ramifications of you coming out? Scared of losing your friends? Are gay folks ostracized at your school? You mention "chillin' with my friends" - are none of them close enough that you feel you can TALK to them? About how you feel about things - not necessarily this particular thing, but any other problem you might be having?

Lex

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I would rather focus on your plans with Ben than on the ordeal of coming out. Just because Ben and other people may know that you are gay won't bring them necessarily closer to you and to being parts of your happy life after your coming out. Sure, coming out may have a huge liberating effect on you. No one should underestimate that. However, just because the two dudes are both declared gay does not necessarily bring them together.

Why wouldn't you make friends with Ben and get to know him as a person first? If you connect on a personal level, things are very likely to take their own course. Public declarations of your sexual orientation as in coming out may be productive OR equally so, very counterproductive, too.

Ben may be gay, too. He may be straight, bi or simply not sure. He may also have a number of legitimate reasons to keep his doubts or even a very clear sexual orientation, if that is the case, private. Your coming out may actually, turn him off completely as he may not want to be associating with someone, who might be indicating that he, too, is gay.

I am all for taking calculated risks. However, if little is to be gained and possibly a lot may be lost, you want to take that into your decision making process.

SC

 

[thermodynamics]

I'd come out to Ben, as a first step. And then just take it from there...

 

[rareboy]

Come out to Ben. Go from there.

 

[crzyrazn]

I think you've brilliantly verbalized what a lot of people here have experienced, and you seem to have a good handle on what precisely the problem is.

Opportunity cost. If you know of a great investment opportunity, even if you know it's a "sure thing", you'll have to invest some of your money in order to make a return. And there's that chance that you won't see that money again.

However, situations like yours happen for a reason. They enable us to get out of our little "safe places" and make a move. You're getting pressed into a place where a move is necessary.

So do tell. What are the ramifications of you coming out? Scared of losing your friends? Are gay folks ostracized at your school? You mention "chillin' with my friends" - are none of them close enough that you feel you can TALK to them? About how you feel about things - not necessarily this particular thing, but any other problem you might be having?

Lex

I like your metaphor of investing in a great opportunity in order to make a return. It is true that if I never take the risk then what hope am I ever going to have in making a return. A move is exactly what I am trying to calculate, but my sense of danger becomes hypersensitive at the thought of such a risk. But I understand what I have to do, but it's not easy. What are the ramifications of me coming out? That's a problematic question, as I can't see any and all the consequences; I am not sure what they are, and me not being able to foresee them has left me apprehensive about coming out. My friends and I are close, but homosexuality as a topic, especially when it is personal, is never a subject that can be discussed without some uneasiness, even if your the closest friends in the world. Don't get me wrong, they are a very liberal minded group of people, but you can never gauge the reaction when a topic like this actually faces them in reality rather when your talking in theory.

I would rather focus on your plans with Ben than on the ordeal of coming out. Just because Ben and other people may know that you are gay won't bring them necessarily closer to you and to being parts of your happy life after your coming out. Sure, coming out may have a huge liberating effect on you. No one should underestimate that. However, just because the two dudes are both declared gay does not necessarily bring them together.

Why wouldn't you make friends with Ben and get to know him as a person first? If you connect on a personal level, things are very likely to take their own course. Public declarations of your sexual orientation as in coming out may be productive OR equally so, very counterproductive, too.

Ben may be gay, too. He may be straight, bi or simply not sure. He may also have a number of legitimate reasons to keep his doubts or even a very clear sexual orientation, if that is the case, private. Your coming out may actually, turn him off completely as he may not want to be associating with someone, who might be indicating that he, too, is gay.

I am all for taking calculated risks. However, if little is to be gained and possibly a lot may be lost, you want to take that into your decision making process.

SC

The logic of your advice was the first thing that hit me, SC, as I have never thought of it from that perspective. You are right, just because I decide to come out doesn't mean that it will bring my friends and I closer together or tear us apart, and it doesn't meant that it will bring two gay guys together. Your advice on working on getting closer to Ben first as friends surprised me as the clarity of it left me pondering why I hadn't just thought of it myself. However, it has always been a fault of mine that I never get to close to guys I like because I know it would be awkward to be close to a guy I had feelings for, and that it might show and be embarrassing. Your post has me wondering of the course of action I should take.

I am going to continue working on solving this problem, but your posts have given me alot of new ground to explore.

 

[Eagle653]

It's hard to add to SC and Lex's posts, so I will just say welcome to our forum! I'm glad you found us and I hope you post often as you think through these issues. You really have captured (very eloquently) what a lot of guys here are thinking themselves. You've helped many others by bringing your issue to the surface like this.

Hang in there. Welcome, again, and keep us up to date on how you're doing.