Gay and in a wheelchair

[Santiago25]

About nine months ago I was in a diving accident at the beach that left me paralyzed. I used to lead a very sexually active life and now I'm just so horny I could explode. Now i've got a few issues working against me.

I'm in a wheelchair first of all, that makes things 10 times more difficult. I'm not out to my family and don't plan on coming out any time soon, they are very conservative on top of the fact that we've been so stressed out the last nine months what with my accident and I really don't need to stress. I also live with my family so I can't host any one but I know of no place that is private and accessible for me. My body has changed, sexually speaking, and I don't know how it works anymore nor do I have anyone to help me explore it.

Lastly who would even find me sexually attractive? People look at me with pity of as if I were sick or disgusting, when you're in a wheelchair no one finds you attractive.

 

[Robert12345]

First of all, you havent become unattractive because you are in a wheelchair. You are still the handsome, funny and loving guy you were before the accident. Sure some shallow guys will not give you a second glance, and casually hooking up will be much more difficult. But who needs these guys anyway.

I suggest you try to find a sport or some activities you can participate in with other young guys and girls in a similar situation. Although being gay is an extra complicating factor I can imagine your sexual problems are not that unsimilar from straight guys. Maybe you can take up wheelchair basketball or swimming? You must not try to isolate yourself, as you said you were an active person, try to be one now too.

Also, maybe there is an LGBT centre that organizes discussions or talking groups with young gay people in your area. Participating in these things gives you a chance to meet new gay friends and an ability to let people see the person in the chair. Contact them in advance Im sure they are happy to pick you up, discreetly and/ or help you inside.

And maybe for this last piece of advice i will get thrashed, but in helping you rediscover your body, you might consider hiring an escort. This wat it will truly be a no string attached thing, and you dont have to be embaressed about anything. Also if it doesnt work out you can just show him the door, without any hard feelings.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry to hear about your accident. If I were you I'd consider the above advice and would also seek mental health therapy. Your medical doctors need to know your concerns regarding sexual function. Be frank. It's your life and your recovery and good medical professionals would be speaking to you about every aspect of your life, what has changed and how you feel about and deal with the changes and prognosis for further recovery and improvements. You might also want to consider a group home if you won't be amble to live totally independently. As an adult you probably feel the need to be central to any decision affecting your life. All the best to you. Please keep us posted.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'm sorry to hear about your accident. I had a gay friend that was in a wheelchair. We are no longer friends but it had nothing to do with him being in a wheelchair. I had to move on bc of his drug use and more so because of his extreme negativity. I offered to pick him up and go do things or just come over and hang out but he felt he was burdening me. He had the worst attitude about everything. I really really tried to be his friend but one can only do so much. I'm not saying that's what you're doing but really try not to be negative or isolate. Instead you need to be positive in every aspect of your life. Trust me. I have my times where I have a pity party for myself but I have to pull myself out of it. Depression and negativity will take you to a very dark place and it's hard to get out of it once you're there.

As others have stated speak with your doctor's about sexual function. My former friend didn't have much sensation in his penis but he did have feeling in his scrotum and butt.With some experimentation he found some things that worked for him. Please don't be afraid to speak with your doctor's about it. I promise you this won't be the first time they've had this discussion. Sex is a basic human need. They are medical professionals and anything you tell them is confidential. Remind them you don't want your family to know about the discussion you have with them. Be open and honest. It may be a little embarrassing but help is available and I guarantee you. ... you're not the first person to bring it up

You didn't mention your age or the area of the country you're in or the amount of function you have left. If you're able to you need to get out. The more you isolate the worse it's going to get. I've been to a couple of gay bars here in Atlanta and talked with a gay guy that has cerebral palsy and uses a walker to get around. He is in his mid twenties. He was with a friend that is blind. They were cool guys and it was fun taking to them. They didn't let their physical issues stop them from getting out. Of course some idiots had to stare at them but who cares. Let them stare. They missed out on meeting two cool guys. Get online and find the nearest paralyzed athletic organization. Were in a rehab facility? They should have resources for helping you get back out into society. If you weren't contact the one closest to you. They should be able to point you in the right direction.

I understand you're horny and that you aren't ready to come out. I'd never tell you you need to come out but it would make it easier for you to find someone. I know you feel your family wouldn't handle it. Many of us went through that. It's scary and very difficult but you may be surprised at how family members change when they actually know someone close to them that happens to be gay. All I'm saying is just think about it. What did you do when you got horny before your injury? Apps? If so post an add. Be upfront and honest with the guys that reply. You will probably get a better response than you expect. Did you have any gay friends before your injury? Talk to them. What about your other friends? There has to be someone you trust that you can come out to that will understand and help you find someone or give you a ride to a guys house. If there's one thing guys understand it's being horny.

Sorry this is getting kinda long. I know things look bleak right now but don't let this ruin your life. You definitely aren't the first gay guy to have physical challenges. You have to do some searching and some how find a way to get out into society. Even if it makes you uncomfortable at times. Push yourself and don't be afraid to ask others for help along the way. Pm me if you want. I'll gladly talk more.

Btw if you had an active sex life before the injury people will still want to be with you now. That part of nobody finding you attractive bc you're in a wheelchair is in your head.
Steven

 

[Santiago25]

Robert12345 Thank you so much for your kind words they really mean a lot to me. As far as the athletics I have to wait a little bit longer before I can venture into that I'm still very weak, still in recovery. As far as the court that could be tricky, I don't really have a lot of money or any private space I could really do that in.

 

[Santiago25]

I'm sorry to hear about your accident. If I were you I'd consider the above advice and would also seek mental health therapy. Your medical doctors need to know your concerns regarding sexual function. Be frank. It's your life and your recovery and good medical professionals would be speaking to you about every aspect of your life, what has changed and how you feel about and deal with the changes and prognosis for further recovery and improvements. You might also want to consider a group home if you won't be amble to live totally independently. As an adult you probably feel the need to be central to any decision affecting your life. All the best to you. Please keep us posted.

I really do need to see a mental health professional, all the stuff in my head is really doing a number on me. I've felt more crazy in these last few weeks than ever. As far as the group home I'm not quite sure about that here with my family at least the people take care of me love me

 

[Santiago25]

I'm sorry to hear about your accident. I had a gay friend that was in a wheelchair. We are no longer friends but it had nothing to do with him being in a wheelchair. I had to move on bc of his drug use and more so because of his extreme negativity. I offered to pick him up and go do things or just come over and hang out but he felt he was burdening me. He had the worst attitude about everything. I really really tried to be his friend but one can only do so much. I'm not saying that's what you're doing but really try not to be negative or isolate. Instead you need to be positive in every aspect of your life. Trust me. I have my times where I have a pity party for myself but I have to pull myself out of it. Depression and negativity will take you to a very dark place and it's hard to get out of it once you're there.

As others have stated speak with your doctor's about sexual function. My former friend didn't have much sensation in his penis but he did have feeling in his scrotum and butt.With some experimentation he found some things that worked for him. Please don't be afraid to speak with your doctor's about it. I promise you this won't be the first time they've had this discussion. Sex is a basic human need. They are medical professionals and anything you tell them is confidential. Remind them you don't want your family to know about the discussion you have with them. Be open and honest. It may be a little embarrassing but help is available and I guarantee you. ... you're not the first person to bring it up

You didn't mention your age or the area of the country you're in or the amount of function you have left. If you're able to you need to get out. The more you isolate the worse it's going to get. I've been to a couple of gay bars here in Atlanta and talked with a gay guy that has cerebral palsy and uses a walker to get around. He is in his mid twenties. He was with a friend that is blind. They were cool guys and it was fun taking to them. They didn't let their physical issues stop them from getting out. Of course some idiots had to stare at them but who cares. Let them stare. They missed out on meeting two cool guys. Get online and find the nearest paralyzed athletic organization. Were in a rehab facility? They should have resources for helping you get back out into society. If you weren't contact the one closest to you. They should be able to point you in the right direction.

I understand you're horny and that you aren't ready to come out. I'd never tell you you need to come out but it would make it easier for you to find someone. I know you feel your family wouldn't handle it. Many of us went through that. It's scary and very difficult but you may be surprised at how family members change when they actually know someone close to them that happens to be gay. All I'm saying is just think about it. What did you do when you got horny before your injury? Apps? If so post an add. Be upfront and honest with the guys that reply. You will probably get a better response than you expect. Did you have any gay friends before your injury? Talk to them. What about your other friends? There has to be someone you trust that you can come out to that will understand and help you find someone or give you a ride to a guys house. If there's one thing guys understand it's being horny.

Sorry this is getting kinda long. I know things look bleak right now but don't let this ruin your life. You definitely aren't the first gay guy to have physical challenges. You have to do some searching and some how find a way to get out into society. Even if it makes you uncomfortable at times. Push yourself and don't be afraid to ask others for help along the way. Pm me if you want. I'll gladly talk more.

Btw if you had an active sex life before the injury people will still want to be with you now. That part of nobody finding you attractive bc you're in a wheelchair is in your head.
Steven

It's funny because your whole first paragraph sounds like something that's going on with me and my best friend right now. I just feel like I'm such a burden to him and it takes so much of him to come and see me that it's insulting when you get through really to see how forced the whole thing seems, kind of like he's hanging out with me for charity. It's complicated.

Ive talked to my doctors about my sexual function and they just say I have to go try it and thats where the problem is, there's no one to do it with. I don't know any gay or bi guys.

I'm 25 years old and I live in Los Angeles, the thing about going to bars is they're not really built for people in wheelchairs and it would be difficult for me to go on my own and I don't really have anyone who is gay or bi and would be willing to go with me.

As far as coming out like I said I'm not really ready now what with everything that's going on but possibly someday I can't keep it in forever if I want to be truly happy. Yes before you to hook up on apps and craigslist, I used to do it a lot too I was always safe and I liked it. I'm still on the app and have disclosed my situation but I can't really seem to find any takers and it's very frustrating plus It's difficult to get around and I would need to find a room that's accessible and yeah it's just a difficult. I want to get back into the swing of it so bad though. Inside though there's a deep fear that I'll scare someone off. When you're in a wheelchair not very confident you just feel disgusting.

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and your advice, it really means a lot to me, I can tell you really put a lot of thought into your response.

 

[Georgiadude]

You're welcome

I totally understand you've been through a lot and in an instant your life took a complete turn around and add some flip flops in the mix. I won't say I know how you feel because I can't imagine it. However you are having a bit of a pity party. Totally understandable and I'm sure it's very common with people that are in your situation. We all have them to some extent. Re read your reply to me. You're being very negative. I can't because. ..... I would but....... who wants to be around someone in a wc...... You're really harming yourself with this Kind of thinking. It's a terrible road to go down and it's very hard to get your mind out of that state. Trust me. I'm the king of self abuse and negativity. That's how I can spot it so easily

If he's your best friend and he's offering to do things with you then do them. Stop looking for an excuse not to do it and find a reason to do it. He's not offering out of pity. He's offering because he wants to hangout with you like I'm sure you used to do. He's treating you like a friend should. Go with him and get your ass out of the house. Lol. You need to be around people. I can hear the depression in your voice. Get back into life. It's going to take time to adjust to your new life challenges but you will do it if you allow it. I strongly suggest some counseling. You're just not seeing anything good right now.

How are you wording your Craig's posts? Remember you're trying to get guys interested in you. If you're filling it with I cants and I'm hideous It's no wonder you're not getting replies. It's all in the packaging with hook ups. You know that. Dress it up. Be positive.

I liked that you recognize if you're truly going to be happy some day you need to come out. That's better than I'm not planning on coming out ever like in the OP. You will when the time is right.

You're In L.A. and your being pessimistic about getting out?. Seriously? Come on now. I don't live in L.A. but I've been out there many times. I know the club's etc have to be wc accessible. There has to be mas transit and other ways of getting around. I know it's not optimal but where there's a will there's a way. Again you're finding ways not to do something. You're stuck in a rut and need some help getting out of it

I'm going to PM you about the sex issue. My former friend told me some things he had tried etc.

Hang in there. Be positive. Get some help with the depression and stop feeling like you're a burden. You're not. Would you do the same for your best friend or family? Of course you would. That's what friends and family do for each other.

Steven

 

[Seasoned]

I really do need to see a mental health professional, all the stuff in my head is really doing a number on me. I've felt more crazy in these last few weeks than ever. As far as the group home I'm not quite sure about that here with my family at least the people take care of me love me

It was unclear to me how far along you are in your recovery. Of course there is no substitute for living caregivers. If you get to the point down the road where you'd like the ability to live with more personal freedom especially if you're not able to be out, do consider other living arrangements.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Craiger]

As with the others, I am sorry to hear about your accident. You do not say to what extent your paralysis is. My first boyfriend was paraplegic. He was able to walk with the assistance of crutches, but a great deal of the time he used his wheelchair. He also was able to drive with a hand controlled car. This took time after a period of recovery and work with a physical therapist. I imagine you are also working with a physical therapist and hopefully will be able to attain similar activities that you had in the past.

As for your sexual health, have you considered hiring a massage therapist. You could find one that uses erotic massage and he could come to your home for the session. Obviously it would be in the privacy of your bedroom, without family interruptions. There are many gay listings for such therapist and you may also find you can finally have someone with whom you can talk to about your situation. Your family does not need to know whether he is gay or straight. This could all be under the auspices of a part of your physical therapy.
If nothing more, it would relax you and help you find some sexual relief. Hoping for the best.

Craiger

 

[Santiago25]

As with the others, I am sorry to hear about your accident. You do not say to what extent your paralysis is. My first boyfriend was paraplegic. He was able to walk with the assistance of crutches, but a great deal of the time he used his wheelchair. He also was able to drive with a hand controlled car. This took time after a period of recovery and work with a physical therapist. I imagine you are also working with a physical therapist and hopefully will be able to attain similar activities that you had in the past.

As for your sexual health, have you considered hiring a massage therapist. You could find one that uses erotic massage and he could come to your home for the session. Obviously it would be in the privacy of your bedroom, without family interruptions. There are many gay listings for such therapist and you may also find you can finally have someone with whom you can talk to about your situation. Your family does not need to know whether he is gay or straight. This could all be under the auspices of a part of your physical therapy.
If nothing more, it would relax you and help you find some sexual relief. Hoping for the best.

Craiger

I am a quadriplegic, I lost function of most things below my ribs including my hands. I am working with physical and occupational therapist and gone some return back, I can move some toes and my foot and my knee a little bit. As far as the massage therapist that's really good idea. I didn't really know that existed, I don't really know how to find one though.

 

[darden]

Lastly who would even find me sexually attractive? People look at me with pity of as if I were sick or disgusting, when you're in a wheelchair no one finds you attractive.

for what it's worth, I once completely and shamelessly threw myself at a guy in a wheelchair (er, not literally... ). it didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with my lack of physical attraction towards him.

 

[Craiger]

I am a quadriplegic, I lost function of most things below my ribs including my hands. I am working with physical and occupational therapist and gone some return back, I can move some toes and my foot and my knee a little bit. As far as the massage therapist that's really good idea. I didn't really know that existed, I don't really know how to find one though.

Check this link for one otherwise you can Google "Gay Massage Therapists LA" http://www.masseurfinder.com/

This particular link allows you to specify your area and whether you are looking for Therapeutic, Sensual, or Erotic. I believe you can even check photos of those listed. Try it and see if it fills the bill. I hope so. Also, if there are any questions from your family you can explain that it is part of your physical therapy. Which would be the truth as your recovery, both physical and mental, need help.
Craiger

 

[Alucard11]

Wow, this is one of the realest threads I've seen in years. I'm so sorry to hear about your accident Santiago, that's a rough situation. I does look like you are honest with yourself and are very good at self-analysis. That will help you through things.

I've seen a lot of dudes in wheelchairs who have built up their upper body through weightlifting, that may be your first course of action.

Thankfully, you are in Los Angeles so there has to be some disabled lgbt support groups out there, and you wouldn't be the first person they've met who has family considerations.

 

[Santiago25]

Wow, this is one of the realest threads I've seen in years. I'm so sorry to hear about your accident Santiago, that's a rough situation. I does look like you are honest with yourself and are very good at self-analysis. That will help you through things.

I've seen a lot of dudes in wheelchairs who have built up their upper body through weightlifting, that may be your first course of action.

Thankfully, you are in Los Angeles so there has to be some disabled lgbt support groups out there, and you wouldn't be the first person they've met who has family considerations.

I lost a lot of connection with my arms especially my hands, at the moment I'm trying to rebuild but it's very difficult, in all honesty I don't think i can lift more than 10lbs right now IF that. And I'm always horny! Ugh!

- - - Updated - - -

Check this link for one otherwise you can Google "Gay Massage Therapists LA" http://www.masseurfinder.com/

This particular link allows you to specify your area and whether you are looking for Therapeutic, Sensual, or Erotic. I believe you can even check photos of those listed. Try it and see if it fills the bill. I hope so. Also, if there are any questions from your family you can explain that it is part of your physical therapy. Which would be the truth as your recovery, both physical and mental, need help.
Craiger

Thanks for the link, it looks really promising, although I'm having a problem getting people to email me back right now but hopefully something good can come out of this.

 

[Craiger]

I'm glad to know that you are working with the PT and OT's, and that you are able to move your toes and foot. Time will be the healer and it sounds as though there is good progress. Do you have any siblings that are close and trustworthy? Ones that you could confide in and enlist them in helping with emails. That must be the most difficult part, to have to work completely under cover to maintain your privacy. If there is anything we can do to help feel free to PM any of us. My best to you.

Craiger