Gay Church Boy Advice

[Just_Believe18]

Before I begin, I just wanted to update you about a previous thread I made about that newbie guy I was dating for a couple of months. Nothing ever came out of it. We would go on dates, have a good time, but I've never even kissed a guy. Soon after, he found a boyfriend. It was disappointing, but I have since moved on and am currently dating another guy I like very much.


Now for the advice.

I am a Christian, and I have been going to a certain type of church all my life. Like most churches, mine does not support homosexuality. I'm okay with that because my relationship with God is more important, and the church I go to allows me to connect with Him better than other places of worship.

That being said, I have recently discovered that a guy from my church is gay. I recognized one of my gay friends added him online recently, but then it was confirmed when I saw him again on a gay social site. I messaged him casually to say hi (my main picture does not identity my face) but did not receive a response back from him.

I really want to get in touch with him though. I have always wanted to find a support group for someone of our faith who is also gay. I always wondered about him, but I dismissed it when he'd talk about girls and having a girlfriend. I think he's new to everything (he's only a couple years younger than me) and I know I would have wanted someone who understood both my sexuality and faith when I was coming out.

What should I do? Should I message him again on the same site? Should I identify myself? Should I wait until I see him at church again? What would be the best way in that situation? I don't see him at church as much as I used to (he seems to go less and that also worries me).

Let me know. I just don't want to scare him away where he'll never come to church again because he's afraid of seeing me. I want him to know that this is who I am too and that he's safe in whatever stage he is in his sexuality; that there's someone here who understands him for who he is.

 

[lonnie1]

I don't want to tell you your business, but how can you belong to a church that more or less says that what you are is "wrong"? You can believe in God and have faith without having to go through the Church.

Call the guy and have a cup of coffee with him or ask him the next time you see him at church.

 

[hotatlboi]

You can believe in God and have faith without having to go through the Church.

There's also plenty of churches that accept gay people.

But to answer the question, I would probably say your best option is to identify yourself as someone who goes to the same church. Either say hi to him in person, or message him again and say that you noticed him at your church.

That gives you something in common and takes you out of the realm of random stranger who messaged him.

 

[kev]

I would approach him like anyone I want to get to know...in person, not online. Online isn't real. Ask him for coffee, become his friend first, and the rest will take care of itself.

I disagree with people who say you shouldn't be at the church. My church completely accepts gay and lesbians with open arms, but they didn't always. You could be a leader in this if you want.

 

[Seasoned]

He is probably going to church less because he is coming to terms with being gay and he's getting no support from church.

Some people are able to maintain their ties to a traditional church, by opting out of some if the belief system; others need complete separation.

If you contact him do do honestly an identify yourself. The first topic might be a question. How do you cope with our church teachings?

 

[rareboy]

Get to know him better at church.

Once you break the ice, ask him if he'd like to attend and event with you (and maybe a couple of others).

Get to know him even better.

Then ask if he'd like to get together with just you for a bite or something.

Tell him you're gay.

Go from there.

 

[Glafna]

Just go up and talk to him, try to become a friend, and then go from there.

Easier said then done I know, but more risk more reward(or so it's said).

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

You are a RARE find indeed! I'm Catholic and attend church religiously (pun intended). We all do as we do until we learn better, and I just haven't found a better way to God than what I've learned growing up.

Now per your habits on staying in the closet ... umm, I can't help other than saying, "GET OUT!!!"

 

[Kyanimal]

I just don't want to scare him away where he'll never come to church again because he's afraid of seeing me. I want him to know that this is who I am too and that he's safe in whatever stage he is in his sexuality; that there's someone here who understands him for who he is.

Sometimes, though in-person is usually better, in a situation like this, on-line might not only be easier, but also less "aggressive", for both of you.

I'd suggest messaging him again. Identify yourself. And tell him what I quoted from you (above).

Best Hopes and Wishes!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Rand]

Like most churches, mine does not support homosexuality.
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I messaged him casually to say hi (my main picture does not identity my face) but did not receive a response back from him.
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I really want to get in touch with him though.
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I think he's new to everything (he's only a couple years younger than me) and I know I would have wanted someone who understood both my sexuality and faith when I was coming out.
+++++++++++
I want him to know that this is who I am too and that he's safe in whatever stage he is in his sexuality; that there's someone here who understands him for who he is.

JB18, though surely it is mid-20's now ...

Were I in his shoes, I'd be leery of someone who knows me from a "church" setting. As you have recognized, your church is not supportive, so if he is dealing with coming out, he is also dealing with his relationship with the church and since you "represent" the church, you are part of that unease.

From your note, I take it you think he did not recognize who sent him the note at the gay site. If you did not feel comfortable enough to identify yourself at that time, why would he respond?

Would you feel comfortable about asking him to "friend" you saying honestly that you have mutual friends and interests? Would you feel comfortable about coming out to him without labeling him as gay?

Your intent is nice, but you might be putting too much of yourself into him. If you can proclaim yourself to him, and be content to allow him to respond as he feels comfortable, I think it would be best.

Now, about dating a guy for months without even kissing .... do we need another thread??

take care my friend,
celebrate your life,
Rand