Gay Friends

[DayDreamingBeast]

Hey guys.
Just need to vent, try to see if my situation is normal or if it is just something happening to me.
The thing is, If I think about it, I don´t really have any gay friends.

It seems to me that as soon as I meet someone gay either at a bar or through MH or sites like that and I start to like that person as a friend, somehow I´m misunderstood and people think that I may be coming on to them, when I tell them it´s not the case they just move on and cut me off completely.

My only gay friend is my ex boyfriend of 2 years ago, who cut me off as well after we ended, but with whom I ended up being good friends (after like 6 months of not speaking at all, and I had to try and contact him again)

Maybe I´m so desperately looking to connect with other gay people that I´m unintentionallly leading them on, I don´t know but it´s getting a little bit depressing and lonely. Specially since I´m far away from home right now. It kinda hurts because guys that I really liked and used to talk a lot to and have things in common have completely blocked me, and my attempts to befriend my ex dates have failed miserably

Sorry for the long post

Cheers

 

[Rolyo85]

The key might be in your being "desperately looking to connect". If that's the word you'd use, then I assure you this type of thing translates easily into your interaction with others. They can sense you are too intense about it and it scares them away.

Also, bars and hook up sites are not the best place to make friends. Those are hook up places. Unfortunately, I can't really offer you much advice. I am in a music school, so naturally there are a lot of gay people around me.

What I can say is that Grindr is a surprisingly good place to make friends. Go into it with no agenda, and I promise you that you WILL find decent people who won't be just interested in sex.

But wherever you look for friends, it has to be a search for a normal connection, not a desperate hunt to GET something...

 

[HunterM]

It seems to me that as soon as I meet someone gay either at a bar or through MH or sites like that and I start to like that person as a friend, somehow I´m misunderstood and people think that I may be coming on to them, when I tell them it´s not the case they just move on and cut me off completely.

Well, as a rule of thumb...don't grab their cocks first

Why don't you volunteer your time at your local LGBT organizations? Those are not "pick up" sites. See if you can connect with people as friends there.

 

[w0lvie]

I am in the same situation as you are. I met this guy in gayromeo last year and we've sort of become hangout buddies - nothing sexual really - just eating out, bars, concerts, random stuff. We seem to get on really well.

And about a month ago, our meet ups came to a halt due to him being busy at his new job, but we still talked every once in a while. Finally, a week ago, he suddenly asked me that if it's alright to sever our communication as he already has a boyfriend and that it wouldn't be fair for his boyfriend if he didn't. Of course, I was let down! I mean, after all that we did together, i never expected that he would drop me off like that. But being the nice guy that I am, I told him that I was happy for him and I respect his decision. Funny though, as when we initially met, we both said that we're only up for friendships and nothing else. But you know, life goes on.

I agree with the previous posters about meeting people with no agenda and no expectations. Just let it develop naturally. Avenues that I've tried to meet people and friends include grinder, gayromeo and gaydar. I know they are hookup sites, but there are some nice, decent, sincere and genuine people over there. What do you enjoy or like doing (besides sex)? Maybe you're a movie buff, a music fan or an exercise freak? Maybe try to join a local gay club that involves them?

 

[KaraBulut]

It sounds like the problem is that you're going to places where people go to find sex. It's like going to restaurant and then telling the waiter that you're not hungry.

If you want to make friends, go to places where people are spending periods of time working together and getting to know each other.

Do volunteer work. If you enjoy sports, find a gay running group or hang out at a gay sports bar. You live in a fairly gay-friendly area- there's probably a group of gay guys who have common interests with you. Just be up front early on that you're just interested in meeting new people and that you're not necessarily looking for a boyfriend.

 

[altlover85]

I must be lucky. I've met gay guys at work and also on the commuter rail that I use to get to work. I didn't go into these situation wanting to met gay guys, it just happened that they were gay.

One of them I'm pretty close with, while the others are more aquaintances, but it's still nice to be able to talk to fellow gay guys.

I'd say definitely be open to things and keep being friendly. I wouldn't swear off Grindr or anything else as far as friends go, but I definitely think it would be good to go one something like www.meetup.com and see if you have can find any groups there that you might want to join.

Also be on the lookout for bulletin boards at coffee shops, GLBT centers, and other places. They might have groups you could join.

Good luck!

 

[bhandsome]

I feel the same way you do about being lonely without gay friends. Although for me, I think it may have a little bit to do with I havent fully come out to myself and others. I believe in letting things happen naturally and not forced.

The only way you will be able to befriend other gay people, is to be comfortable with yourself. If you aren't then you will rely on them for needs that they can't fulfill.

Good luck

 

[DayDreamingBeast]

Thanks for the advise guys

@Rolyo I don´t know why I had the idea that Grindr was even more sex oriented than MH, I´ll check it out. Sadly the industry I´m in tends to be quite homophobic.

@Wolvie yeah one ex date I really liked as a friend is not talking to me either because he is in a relationship. I understand you.

@KaraBulut I´ll try joining the gay swim club in a month or so, I´m trying to get used to their training rythm.

@Alt I´ll check that site, thanks

@bhandsome I´m not fully out yet, only a few of my friends know (mostly female)

I really needed to vent. The day I wrote this I was really angry and frustrated because of this guy in special I have a complicated relationship with. Thanks for reading

 

[Rolyo85]

Grindr is officially for "social networking". Most people use it to hook up, but that's not what its purpose is, so there are all kinds of guys on there. I met the guy I love on Grindr.

And if the industry you're in is homophobic, you should look for another.

 

[Seasoned]

When you are comfortably able to be out to more people you chances of meeting gay friends will dramatically increase. Good luck to you.