Gay In Military, Just Need Someone To Talk To

[about21]

I actually go through this forum a lot for advice on how to handle life. There are a lot of intelligent people here.

For obvious reasons, I can't give out too much information about myself. I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. Black, I'd say good looking. I"ll be turning 21 tomorrow. I've been in for about 3 years now, and about 2 months from being stationed at my second base. I have signed for a 6 year enlistment even though I slightly regret that decision. I have no plans to reenlist.

I'm Gay, and I have no qualms with that. No one at work knows, and that specifically hasn't affected my job. I've come out to my family, but they are the only ones who actually know. They are not completely supportive, and we have a horrible relationship because of it. We almost never talk. There was even a one year period when we didn't do so. When we do talk we're always fighting. Even though I came out to them in the middle of high school, they "forget" and always ask if I have a girlfriend. They also demand that I spend all of my leave to come visit them even though we have this bad relationship.

I remember specifically joining the military to help them. My father somehow built up an enormous debt to the IRS, and they asked me to give up college to help. I'm even helping pay other bills at home. This is extremely upsetting because they were both prior service Airmen with 15+ years of service. I don't want to end up like that in the future. While I'm proud of the work I'm doing, and DADT is on its way out, I don't see this as my career at all.

This is what does carry over into work. A lot of people, including my friends and supervisors don't believe I should have it this bad with my parents, and even yell at me for treating them this way. I still love my parents, but I feel like my actions are justified. Is it really so wrong to feel this way? Any advice would be appreciated, but I wanted to come here because I don't get the chance to talk to other gay men. I'd specifically like some from other gay men in the military.

 

[shainski]

I'm missing what you are doing that is mistreating your parents. Your coworkers don't know why your parents are not "completely supportive" of you, but that is beside the point. It doesn't matter. If you are supporting your parents financially even a little - that is very very generous.

Just a couple of weeks ago, i brought home the 1960s movie "Guess who's coming to dinner" to share with my young children. We have discussions on what is an appropriate way of treating others. How does one confront one's own biases, etc.

But there is a speech at and hour 31 minutes in by Dr John Prentice (Sidney Poitier) that is very powerful (at least when he says it) (His father is a postal worker and was telling his son what his son owed him for all the father did for him).

Dr John Prentice responds:

You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs! You understand, you've got to get off my back! Dad... Dad, you're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will. But you think of yourself as a colored man. I think of myself as a man. Now, I've got a decision to make, hm? And I've got to make it alone, and I gotta make it in a hurry. So would you go out there and see after my mother?

 

[rareboy]

Forgive them.

Make it clear that you love them.

Make it clear you also have your own life to live.

Help them out with a willing heart but make it clear that as adults, they are responsible for managing their debts and finances once you have repaid what they apparently feel is an obligation to them.

Stop fighting.

Keep posting and maybe work out some of the anger and frustration here.

Hugs.

 

[hylas]

im afraid i dont really have any good advise on how to deal with your parents... but.

your frinds and supervisors yell at you for how your relationship with your family is? tell them to back the hell off, they dont know the whole story, there are good reasons why you dont want them to know the whole story, and its none of their fucking buisness.

youre gonna be 24 when youre done with the army, did i understand that correctly? i dont know how exactly these things work in the us, but over here 24 is above average but in no way too old to start studying. build yourself the life you wanna have.

 

[Rand]

They also demand that I spend all of my leave to come visit them even though we have this bad relationship.

...

I'm even helping pay other bills at home. This is extremely upsetting because they were both prior service Airmen with 15+ years of service. I don't want to end up like that in the future.

About,

Congratulations for handling what life has given you so well, so far. You obviously are a bright and intelligent young man. I do wish you the very best in the future.

In the first sentence of your quote above, it seems to me that appearances are very important to your parents. They need to be able to show you off and maintain a certain fiction. I hope through your love of them both, you will allow them to do this at least part of the time. But it is your life and you must live it as you feel best, hopefully with the support of family and friends.

I too am glad that you are helping them with their financials. I do hope that you are saving some or will so that you have funds to further your plans. Please do start making plans on how to prepare yourself to live the life you want. As mentioned, you will be young enough to start college and will have the discipline to apply yourself and achieve what you want. If that is the course, start saving now.

Your parents currently have a life of regret. Little is going as they planned either financially or otherwise. Part of this is because they "planned" too much if they planned their children's lives too. It is sad to see some parents living a life through their children or forcing their children to life the life the parent wanted. Be strong and know what you want. Know where you want to be in the future and start going down the paths that will get you there.

Celebrate your life,
Rand

 

[Seasoned]

I want to welcome you and thank you for your service. Being closeted at work by necessity has got to be so difficult for you. I hope you are able to see the benefits of the repeal of DADT. It must be so frustrating for you not having anywhere to go with your stuff. I'm glad you found JUB. Make sure no one finds your site history. God! What a sad way to have to live!

I'm gay, was married and have two children. I think this early caregiving that you are doing for your parents is just plain wrong. They owe you unconditional love, not the other way around.

I understand that you will have to keep this up but it would be nice if they could be weaned from your support so that you could begin saving for when you are out and need to return to school. I understand you'll have educational benefits, but those are limited unlike the days gone by.

My advice is to do what you can to keep the peace for now. You don't need anyone going off on you. Nor do you need to put yourself in jeopardy regarding the military. In your mind you ought to begin planning for your independence, both from the military and from the financial caregiving which doesn't seem to be doing much for you.

I can understand you tying this to your parents' attitude towards you, but that's really not the issue. The issue is one of fairness to yourself regardless of how they handle the fact they've got a gay son.

This is also a time for you to see something if the world. You ought to make use of your furloughs as you see fit. You already are a good son. You don't need to keep proving it.

By the way, my partner was in the navy. Do make use of the VA once you are out. There is already a movement there to be accepting of gay vets. Good luck to you. Feel free to pm me, but know my kids are younger than you so I'll be on your butt to get back to school. Thanks for posting.

 

[android91891]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong to be honest. I'm 19 and i came out to my parents after i graduated high school and they took it horribly it got so bad that they kicked me out and i had to go stay with my sister for about 4 months. our relationship now is still rocky they always ask me if i'm dating any girls or if i've met any girls in school when they clearly know what i prefer.

i'm sort of in the same boat I help my mom pay her bills and i barely make any money myself, I have to give her money for gas, personal things like shopping, food, clothes, I even payed her phone bill at times. but i do let my parents now that once i'm of age and i'm ready i want nothing to do with them because they werent willing to accept me and still aren't they're forcing girls on me and even try to set me up with dates on girls.

I'm joining the US NAVY so i'm glad to know that us gays have no issues serving for our country. i'd really like to talk to you more because i have tons of questions regarding serving.

thanks for serving for our country i appreciate it a lot. and if you're single let me know lol just kidding? maybe.

 

[Shygui]

This is going to sound nasty...

But you've given up your education to save money, you're helping your father with a debt that you had nothing to do with, and he is STILL treating you like crap?

I really hope you avoid using all of your money to pay off his debt. If he so blindly upset about "the gay" that he can't even acknowledge the truly generous thing you are doing for him....

 

[Ninja108]

I'm with Shygui on this one. Family or not, if they're still treating you like crap over who you are, then they don't need your money.

 

[chace1617]

Hello, i hope i can help you somehow with you're problem i'm 21 and not out yet to anyone, my parents pay everything for me and i'm extremely grateful for that but i feel what's happening is wrong and i should be able to pay for myself

i think what you're doing is amazing and i'm sure you're a great guy. you gave up college to help financially you're father and you still pay bills for him. and your parents always ask you to go back home and visit them when you don't work, i think it's obvious that you're parents love you more than anything and you love them back and i'm pretty sure about that
what you need to do is show it to each other, you said you always fight with them and they ask you if you have a gf even though you're out to them
they are just worried about you and you're future and they want you to be happy in you're life and for them happy means married with kids ''a happy family''

you just need to start showing how much you love them, not big things, just when you visit home sometime buy something, a small present for your father, maybe a card or something
spend time with them and actually talk with them about your life and their life
show them what they mean to you and i'm sure they will calm down sometime and start showing their love to you
the love exists the thing is you don't know how to show it

and after you finish you're AirForce work i think you will be pretty young to go to college and do what you always wanted to do
there are people who go to college in their 30's etc so age is not a problem
talk about that with your parents and see what they think about it, i mean it's only your business but show them that you care about what they think

i hope you try and figure out thing in your life and i hope i might have helped you with that
you sound like an amazing guy and i'm sure you'd the perfect bf for me i would totally date you
lol

PS
Sorry for any mistakes but English is not my first language

 

[Rex]

I'm also in the Air Force and just finished one year. I love it.

I'm bi but I can tell you that there is defenitely lots of gay and bi guys everywhere in the military. I have met quite a few, and some that were just straight but curious.


I love the military and joining was the best decision of my life. The DADT thing ending is even better. I guess I couldn't have joined at a better time.

As far as your issue I would have to agree that if they are treating you like crap then you shouldn't feel obligated to help them as much as you are.

I mean, at least you need to talk about this with them. Tell them that you WILL help them but you will not put up with the fighting anymore. If they continue to fight and not treat you better then don't help them but if they are willing to change then I would continue to help them and try to salvage this relationship. They are still your parents but at the same time you need to take care of yourself.

I also hope you reconsider your decision and re enlist but that's only because I'm biased and love the Air Force.