Gay on Gay Harassment

[JB3]

So, I have recently had the misfortune of suffering some gay on gay harassment at work. There is me, and then there is a lesbian that works in another department.

One day a few weeks ago, she came into work and said something to the effect of 'I Found out something about you', and then proceeded to ask every employee in the store if they knew I was gay and how they felt about it. I should have reported that right away, but I just brushed it off as her abrasive personality.

Since then, its been a pretty constant stream of little comments about it, usually sarcastic, and sometimes making fun of me. Usually, it makes light of the fact I'm gay, and she uses it as an opportunity to say again to all the staff present that I'm gay.

Now, I don't hide that I'm gay. If someone asks, I'm honest. I DO NOT advertise it though, and I would prefer it stays out of the workplace because it isn't appropriate. And even if I did bring it up, I would prefer that I am the one to do it, not some coworker. The way she did it, too, singled me out in a way that makes me uncomfortable every time she's in the building.

(Side note: EVERY employee in the store brushes it off, and says 'so what' to what she's saying. Most already knew, None have a problem with it, and none treat me differently)

Fast forward to last night; she made another comment. This time I was irritated so I said something back. She just ignored it. As we were walking out of the store, however, she said loudly 'Fucking faggots'. It wasn't directed at anybody, but it was still disgusting. The other employees chose to ignore it, and so did I. But by the time we left I had decided that I was going to file an HR complaint against her. I thought I might be over-reacting at first, but my friends and my ex, both said that what she did was very clear harassment.

So today I had the displeasure of having to report her. Thankfully the manager I spoke with is very open-minded, and she was aghast and livid that ANYONE would do that to a coworker. She has a gay friend, so she could not understand how another gay person could treat someone that way. She also takes these things very seriously, and she was literally at a loss for words when I told her. She told me that after I left she would sit down and talk with both our store manager and our district manager, who were both in the building. Her general attitude and body language indicated to me that termination was a very real possibility, if not a foregone conclusion.

I actually only told the manager to make them aware of the situation, because I escalated it immediately to the corporate level. The HR person was also VERY understanding about why I was upset, and she made it clear that they were going to take this very, very seriously. She took notes, documented witnesses that were there, and also gave me her number to contact her immediately if anything else happens.

So on one hand, I'm glad its getting taken care of. I'm not sure what the resolution will be, because I've never dealt with this before. At the bare minimum, I want her transferred to a different store. But, I also think that this type of behavior needs zero tolerance. On the other hand, I know this is going to add a little more stress to my life for the next week or so, since there is going to be a formal investigation by corporate.

Its also left me a little disillusioned. That a gay person could treat another gay person in this way is disturbing and disgusting. But I guess bullies no know bounds, so we'll see what happens.

 

[NineOfClubs]

I find often a gay person's worst enemy can be another gay person.

Hell, just look at the hatred thrown around this very website.

That said, it seems some lesbians carry their "man hate" so far as to include not just the heteros but the homos too.

My best wishes for a good conclusion to your efforts...

 

[JB3]

I find often a gay person's worst enemy can be another gay person.

Hell, just look at the hatred thrown around this very website.

That said, it seems some lesbians carry their "man hate" so far as to include not just the heteros but the homos too.

My best wishes for a good conclusion to your efforts...

Thanks. My company is going to remedy this pretty quickly. I would bet before the end of the week.

I wasn't sure how they would handle it at first, but they're actually doing right by me.

 

[anchihiro]

Can't understand why a lesbian would act this way.

Anyway you did the right thing so don't ever feel guilty because she is the one deeply in the wrong.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

humanity not dons it homework it a why

 

[Ninja108]

There are some people who are bullies. Straight,gay,white, black etc.
It doesn't matter,all that matters is they want to treat other people like crap.

 

[cliffdweller]

Good for you for reporting her, and good for the store for taking it seriously. As for why she did it, who knows? Maybe she has issues with her own sexuality that she's projecting onto you. But it doesn't really matter. What matters is that what she was doing was unacceptable and it looks like, very shortly, you won't have a problem with her anymore.

She doesn't know where you live, does she? Has she done anything (besides the harassment) that might indicate that she has a screw loose?

 

[Deandbn]

Her reputation obviously preceeds her and thats the reason the others ignore her. So you should just do the same and ignore her and she will fade into ignominity if she has not already done so.

 

[JB3]

Good for you for reporting her, and good for the store for taking it seriously. As for why she did it, who knows? Maybe she has issues with her own sexuality that she's projecting onto you. But it doesn't really matter. What matters is that what she was doing was unacceptable and it looks like, very shortly, you won't have a problem with her anymore.

She doesn't know where you live, does she? Has she done anything (besides the harassment) that might indicate that she has a screw loose?

No she doesn't. I think she does have a screw loose, but its never come out in this way before.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

cultures gots super lots repairs da damage of eons< not even start repairins

most cruel is rushin out new word like GAY whens sooo many cultures in mental ward no figure da ground

what a not says a muchs of porfessions fill by males ans females pretend they doin anythin but dressys nice

-

suggest ta worlds professions ans Co ans pop ans media is stop play with life ans stop spit on thems what KNOW ans help ya if ya stop be sooooooooo UP YA OWN EGOS

thankyou

aint walls great!

 

[JB3]

I had an experience with a gay co-worker who was bipolar. When I met him I did not know he was such an asshole. But he talked with our supervisor about me and that I was gay and detailed what my life was like - the whole nine yards. The supervisor was a piece of work herself - a loud mouth who never kept anything to herself and had a clique of "friends" amongst my coworkers who were supposed to be working FOR her and not with her.

It was a nightmare! I stopped talking to this guy altogether. Thinking that ignoring him would just make him find another target. Just made him badger me more.

He would cry at the drop of a hat at anything that disturbed him. I became persona non grata in the group. I look back on that time and wonder how I managed to stay as long as I did -- and have to say I will never be able to forgive the people involved in making my life there a sheer hell.

Thankfully she's not that crazy, but I'm a little concerned about what will happen when the process and investigation starts.

 

[Seasoned]

She might be worse or she might just shrivel. If worse, I'd take out the cell phone and hit record while asking a co-worker to call the manager. This is a workplace for crissake.

 

[JB3]

Today was my first day back since I reported it, and I ended up having a discussion with my new store manager. Basically, they had a conversation with her earlier yesterday about what happened, and told her to apologize and go from there. He just asked me what our relationship was like before this all happened, and if I thought it could go back to that. I was honest, and told him I had no reason to take anything she says seriously, but I would listen to her apology.

Her apology was pure garbage. She said 'I'm sorry I made you feel that way', but NEVER apologized for what she did. She didn't show remorse and she didn't show understanding of why what she did was wrong. I listened, but I didn't accept, and I didn't say much. She was actually sort of rude; she was focused on why I went right to corporate and didn't talk to her. I told her point blank that it was because she's a very difficult person to talk to because its hard to take anything she says seriously sometimes because of her attitude.

Then came the whopper: When she was talking to me, she asked 'don't you know I'm gay too', as if that fact excuses what she said. When she said that I shut down, because I knew she just didn't get it. I ended up texting the manager I reported her too right away, and explaining that the apology was not serious, that it was sarcastic, and she doesn't get why what she did was wrong.

And then to top it all off: The bitch did it again tonight! We were up front, and she said (about something) 'that's so G-A-Y. Oh, sorry no offense John. Right? No offense, Right?'.

I just about lost it. I immediately texted the manager and reported it. Thankfully another employee witnessed it and will sign a form saying so. (two other employees already signed one for the earlier incident) The manager said she would take care of it, and tell the store manager what happened. I have to close with this employee tomorrow as well, which sucks. I tried to switch, but we don't have enough employees for that on a short notice.

The part that gets me about all of this is that she tried to use the fact that she was gay as an excuse for her behavior. As if being gay is an excuse for bullying another gay person.

She doesn't understand that her comments separated me from the rest of the employees in a way that I've been separated from everyone else all my life. She doesn't understand that, after working so hard to NOT feel excluded, and to NOT feel different, she went and undid all that with a few unkind words. Its bad enough when bullies do that to people that aren't gay; its worse when a gay person does that to another gay person.

At this point I'm writing a statement to explain all this to the manager, and why what she did was so wrong. After tonight my opinion has also hardened; I will NOT settle for anything less than her being transferred. I will NOT see her at work again. If I have to get a lawyer involved I will, because this company has an obligation to create a safe and stable environment for their employees, and NOT stand for harassment of any sort.

 

[anchihiro]

Go for it, kick her ass.


I think it's not just the gay thing i think she's just an immature brat of a person. She'd actually benefit from learning about consequences. The hard way.

Good luck.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Sounds like a classic case of harrassment in the workplace which is prohibited by law (EEOC), and likely a violation of your company's policy on the prohibition of a hostile or offensive work environment. Since you reported a second incident, your company should terminate her. It would be shocking if anything less than removing her from any further contact with you was the punishment towards her. I agree with you - seek a legal council if you don't get satisfactory action from your employer.

PS: Your manager may be understanding and kind a person, but she doesn't seem to be much of a manager. She should have been in the "apology" meeting with both of you. Futher, she should have made it very clear to the harrasser prior to the meeting that any further unwelcome comments reported to her will result in her termination.

 

[rareboy]

PS: Your manager may be understanding and kind a person, but she doesn't seem to be much of a manager. She should have been in the "apology" meeting with both of you. Futher, she should have made it very clear to the harrasser prior to the meeting that any further unwelcome comments reported to her will result in her termination.

This.

Try to make sure that the two of you are never alone.

On the other hand, c'mon....you're a homo. Surely you can stand up for yourself too. Where's the snappy comeback...the witty put-down. You can choose to be a victim or you can be the kind of man who makes it clear to his co-workers and others that you personally will not put up with her crap.

Call her out in front of others. At the point she even said 'Fucking faggots' you should have told her in no uncertain terms in front of others that that was not acceptable instead of just pussing out and going to the store manager first.

When I was young and came running to my Nanna, she told me that I had to learn to fight my own battles and stand up for myself. And that if I then needed more help, she'd always be there.

I get the sense that perhaps this isn't how you and many others in the past 20 years or so have been raised.

 

[Alberto_15]

This.

Try to make sure that the two of you are never alone.

On the other hand, c'mon....you're a homo. Surely you can stand up for yourself too. Where's the snappy comeback...the witty put-down. You can choose to be a victim or you can be the kind of man who makes it clear to his co-workers and others that you personally will not put up with her crap.

Call her out in front of others. At the point she even said 'Fucking faggots' you should have told her in no uncertain terms in front of others that that was not acceptable instead of just pussing out and going to the store manager first.

When I was young and came running to my Nanna, she told me that I had to learn to fight my own battles and stand up for myself. And that if I then needed more help, she'd always be there.

I get the sense that perhaps this isn't how you and many others in the past 20 years or so have been raised.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

This is a work situation so you have to remain professional but I think you let this go on too far. You did the right thing by reporting her but you should have done it way sooner.