Gay sex education with my 15 year old son

[danthemansocal]

Hi guys. So I wanted some insight before I had a talk with my teenage son tomorrow.

Background: my wife and I divorced 4 years ago and my son has split his time with his mom and me since then. Because he lives with her during most of the school year, I usually get to have him stay with me during the summers which is awesome because we're very close and best friends. After my divorce, I didn't really have a solid relationship with another woman because I wasn't really looking for one and actually swore off getting married again.

After a couple of FWBs here and there, a year and a half ago I decided to switch it up and look into having sex with a man again like I did on and off during college. My friend Gary and I have known each other for 6 years and about a year and a half ago, I decided to tell Gary about my bisexual past but with NO intention of getting him into the idea. It was just brought up and I told him the truth. It turns out Gary also had a bi past and long story short, we started fucking and have continued to have sex since then until now.

Situation: This summer was pretty much the only time where my sexual relationship with Gary has intersected with my son staying with me for an extended period of time. We have had sex in the last two months and did a great job of scheduling our sessions when my son "M" is not home or I'll go over to Gary's but not as much because of the distance. Well two days ago, our luck ran out. Thinking my M wouldn't be home for another 2 hours like he said he would, Gary was over at my place for a fuck session. It turns out, M came home much earlier than expected. When we finished our session, I was going to the bathroom to wash up when I noticed my son's bedroom door open which I know was closed whenever he wasn't home.

I grabbed a towel and went to his room and saw him watching tv and playing a game on his phone. I was definitely shocked and confused. I told him I was surprised to see him back so soon and he told me he postponed his plans with his friends for later that night. I was dying inside with what to say or do but decided to be the great father I know I am and best friend and be honest with him. I asked him if he saw or heard Uncle Gary and I in the room. He said yea. I told him that I was sorry that he had to find out about that kind of stuff the way he did. He said it was ok, a little confusing but ok. He said he was going to be honest with me and say that he basically spied on us to see what was going on and saw a lot more than he should have. I wasn't even disappointed when he told me if anything, I was more disappointed in myself for being naive.

I told him it was ok and that it was all new to him and all. I told him to remember that I was very close with him and that just like I was able to answer all his sex questions before when we would have our discussions a couple of years ago, I would be willing to do the same now. He looked at me hesitantly and asked if I was serious. I said of course, that while what Gary and I were doing wasn't what society thinks is the standard norm maybe, it is normal for me and I have no problems talking about it with you if you're comfortable and are curious to learn. He said ok and told me that he had a bunch of questions if I didn't mind.

The different topics that were brought up that he wanted to discuss was: differences between top vs. bottom, differences between gay and hetero sex, why Im a bottom and why Gary is a top. He was curious in knowing a lot of specifically personal stuff but again, I'm very close with my son and I would rather teach him the rights before he ends up doing wrong. The whole time I just kept thinking that I didn't want him to one day want to have sex with another boy and make a mistake because I was close-minded at this point.

Thankfully, he had to meet up with his friends before we started to talk and since Friday morning until now, he's been at his mother's for the weekend and will come back home tomorrow. I told him we would have the talk then. If anyone of you have any important points I should bring up during the talk, please let me know and I promise I will update you guys on how it went. Thanks!

 

[bankside]

The most useful lesson you can teach him is about his right to privacy. The best way to teach him that is to be private yourself. Teach him that adults have sex lives that do not need to spill over into the lives of others, and that while you don't feel ashamed of enjoying yourself, it is still meant to be private and not occur when he can stumble across it. It's very good for starters that you apologised.

So the best way to demonstrate privacy is to not answer some of the more personal questions, and perhaps buy him a book about healthy sexuality if he needs any actual knowledge.

This is not about shutting down the conversation, but about establishing healthy boundaries between family members.

I'm assuming your situation is genuine, at the very least my advice is. I have to say even if you're just concerned for your kid to grow up healthy, you are probably about to get hit by a bit of a shitstorm because of your post. When someone's first post is about how his underage kid got to watch him have sex, and then promising future updates after we give you lots of ideas about how to talk with your kid about gay sex, then some people will see it as insincere and a pretext for inappropriate fantasy.

 

[danthemansocal]

Thank you for your reply.

So the best way to demonstrate privacy is to not answer some of the more personal questions, and perhaps buy him a book about healthy sexuality if he needs any actual knowledge.

I understand where you're coming from but my son and I have a very open line of communication. There is essentially no topic that we can't at least begin to discuss and it is because of this that my son has been able to mature they way he has into a knowledgeable young man. When we first had the hetero sex discussion, we did the same thing. I answered all his questions to the best of my knowledge a lot of which he had seen or heard about from the internet and his friends. I don't want to break that line of discussion now that it's about gay sex otherwise it will definitely create a rift between the two subjects and may distort the way my son interprets the information instead of allowing him to take in all the facts and make his own judgements.

I'm assuming your situation is genuine, at the very least my advice is. I have to say even if you're just concerned for your kid to grow up healthy, you are probably about to get hit by a bit of a shitstorm because of your post. When someone's first post is about how his underage kid got to watch him have sex, and then promising future updates after we give you lots of ideas about how to talk with your kid about gay sex, then some people will see it as insincere and a pretext for inappropriate fantasy.

I know you personally don't believe in this but I still think this is absolutely absurd. It's ok to talk about hetero sex with your kids but not about gay sex IF THEY are wanting and willing to learn about it. I'm not pushing this on him at all. In fact, I was hoping I could just leave it as me having sex with my friend and my son could come to me later in the future when he's older if he wanted or not at all. But he's curious just like he was curious about hetero sex. And if people think I'm trying to buy into some fantasy, that sucks because that's what makes gay sex so taboo. I don't think it's a fantasy for me to reply with one single update on how my talk went which may help others in the future.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Danthemansocal,

It's good to read that you have such a good bond with your son that he can ask anything about sex, and that you also have given him a healthy education about straight sex. I tend to think that you should be open to him and that you should give honest answers to all of his questions. But that does not mean that you should feel that you should be urged to answer questions which are too private (according to your definition). I also assume that you will be able to give answers which can be understood by him (given his age and given his background and his experiences, including the former talks you had with him about sex).

I tend to think that he might already be aware of his own sexual identity, and I think you should not start to talk about this topic. So keep the discussion about you, your friend (and other gay, lesbian and bi people). I would also like to advise you that you should not state that 'other people are less comfortable around gay people (etc.)', being a negative way how you approach the subject that not all people are straight. Better tell him that some guys like to have sex with other guys, and some guys like to have sex with both guys and girls.

Also good of your son that he did not deny what he saw. Well, such things happen now and then.

I would like to wish you good luck with the talk.

 

[KaraBulut]

In general, you can answer questions about sex that your son asks honestly and frankly. But there is a difference between answering questions about sex and answering questions about their parents' sexuality.

If he asks a question like, "Why are you the bottom and Gary is the top?", then you can answer questions about why a man might enjoy bottoming however it is not necessary that you answer why you like bottoming.

 

[hylas]

^ i agree with kara, its nice that you feel like you can talk freely with your son, but i would take care to not cross boundries and not become inappropriate. the "Why are you the bottom and Gary is the top?" question also caught my attention. this is not an appropriate question for a parent to answer, in my opinion. that doesnt mean you need to shut him down if he asks that question. i would say that some men enjoy topping, some enjoy bottoming (even straight guys, its called "pegging"), some enjoy both, theyre called versatile, and lastly, some men dont like penetrative sex at all. its a matter of personal taste, and everybody needs to find out for themselves. but i would not talk to him about your personal sexual preferences specifically.

"the difference between gay and straight sex": i dont know exactly how he phrased his question, but i think it would be inappropriate to talk to your son about how you experience sex with women and with men, and what the difference is for you personally. i would tell him that some men enjoy sex with women, some with other men, and some with both; and that there is always a risk for std's, but with women, you particulaly have to make sure that you dont get them pregnant, and with men, there is a higher risk for hiv infection, which can be prevented by using condoms.

i agree that its good if a kid can talk to his parent about sex and doesnt have to rely on information from the internet or god-knows-where. but you can give your kid all the important information about sex without involving your own personal sex life. thats just weird. i dont know if thats what youre doing, but from the tone of your post, i get the impression that you may have trouble telling the difference. i would think about that.

also, keep in mind that this is about him, not about you. tell him that you love him, no matter if he turns out to be straight, gay, bi, or whatever.

 

[Seasoned]

If this is on the level and he knows the terms top and bottom he may know more than you do. This is suspiciously similar to what seemed to be a bogus post earlier this summer.

 

[danthemansocal]

If this is in the level and he knows the terms top and bottom he may know more than you do. This is suspiciously similar to what seemed to be a bogus post earlier this summer.

Not bogus at all. That's the thing, he doesn't know the terms "top" and "bottom." I just used them for references for you guys. He actually doesn't know what to think of the two roles because to him, both guys are equal in power and dominance but he wants to think as me being the "less manly" guy because usually the woman is a bottom in sex. That's why I think it's important to make it clear that those two roles are different in many ways.

 

[danthemansocal]

^ the "Why are you the bottom and Gary is the top?" question also caught my attention. this is not an appropriate question for a parent to answer, in my opinion. that doesnt mean you need to shut him down if he asks that question. i would say that some men enjoy topping, some enjoy bottoming (even straight guys, its called "pegging"), some enjoy both, theyre called versatile, and lastly, some men dont like penetrative sex at all. its a matter of personal taste, and everybody needs to find out for themselves. but i would not talk to him about your personal sexual preferences specifically.

I agree with you on the personal details but there is a predicament in that he told me that day before he left that it was confusing for him because to him, both me and Gary, being guys, are essentially equal in power, strength and manliness. But he thinks me being the "woman role" (didn't know the terms top and bottom), it made him wonder if I was the bottom because I was less manly. I don't plan on outlining all our sex positions, preferences and stuff. I just want to make it clear to him what the difference between the two roles are how my and Gary's decision to fulfill each role has nothing to do with manliness but rather preferences that I may elaborate on to a certain extent.

 

[3x3is9]

I think it's great that you're talking to your son about this. I don't think it's inappropriate at all to answer questions about your sex life or to include personal experiences, and I think it's silly that anyone would suggest keeping "boundaries". Sex is not a bad thing, and it should be talked about with as much candor as everything else. If you and your son are comfortable talking about this with each other, I don't see why you shouldn't discuss anything he wants to know. I've had the same talk with my parents, although it was them asking me those questions. My parents and I have always been honest about sex, even when I was a teenager and "straight". Curiosity is natural, and information about gay sex is not widely available, which explains the existence of this forum. I don't have much advice because you seem like you're well-equipped to answer his questions. I, for one, would love to read about how the talk went. I'm always curious about how straight people think of gay sex.

 

[bruce379]

hi dan,

just my two cents worth. take it with a grain of salt: I agree with some of what's posted by others particularly about privacy and how everyone, no matter what age, your son included, are entitled to privacy. even more important is how privacy extends in keeping private matters private and secret. other people are not entitled to know and he is not entitled to tell. personal sex lives of other people is not for public consumption or gossip and may not be shared. this is just a matter of knowing how to respect other people's privacy and he should expect the same from others. sex is a healthy thing and naturally beautiful but it is also something private and should be kept private. it should also be done safely because unsafe sex have dire consequences. sex is only allowed when everyone involved are willing to engage and participate in it. it can never be forced on anyone: this is an important aspect of sex to teach him: he cannot and should not expect sex with anyone unless it is safe and with both consenting to it and can withdraw or give up whenever they want to stop or when it starts to become uncomfortable, disagreeable or dangerous.

I agree that this is about him and not about you so you are not obliged to answer private matters that concern you that can be delayed when you think he is ready to understand. I hope he can respect that aspect of privacy about you that you are not inclined to share. I hate to be in your position right now. I'm glad you have the courage to engage him constructively.

on the matter of being less manly(bottoming), i dare say that it is a matter of sexual preference because it feels good and that gay sex can switch between top and bottom, it just happened that he caught you being the bottom (best way to ease him out of the notion that you can only bottom )

He's curious of course, weren't we all during our teens? and i guess you have the unenviable position of being asked if you are gay or not by your son no less. how he will take it and how he might break it to his mother is between the two of you. I just hope he understands that you love him and he loves you as a father despite the circumstances.

good luck.

 

[eastofeden]

Hmmmm...most kids I knew wanted to gouge their eyes out when they caught their parents having sex and horror of horror if afterward the parent actually wanted to come and talk to you about it. A typical teenager would have NO questions....

Having said that...I would let him know that you will not be offended if he has any questions in the future and then let it go. We all need to establish boundaries....especially at that age.

 

[eastofeden]

I have to ask one more thing ...did your 15 year old son actually say THIS to you?

being guys, are essentially equal in power, strength and manliness.

If so...oh my...things must have really changed over the years....

He must be a composed and unique young man to have the presence of mind to pose such articulate questions to you after catching you having sex.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

This smells like a Nifty.org story to me.

 

[Seasoned]

^Thank you. I've already said as much.

 

[Ninja108]

Sounds fishy to me..the fact he hasn't posted since then confirms it for me.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Where's the rest of the incest story? I was half-expecting to read about how a threesome happened between him, his son, and "Uncle Gary."