Gay siblings?

[sazboy246]

Does anyone have any gay siblings? And found this harder to come out and be accepted by the family because of this?

My brother is older than me and came out many years ago. Even though my Dad was iffy with it, my Mum evolved and became comfortable, but even so he was always someone we all knew deep down would be gay from him being a very young child. It was just there so I imagine it wasn't a huge shock to them.

For myself, I've dated (albeit minimally) girls and used to have posters of women up in my room. I talk about cars and wrestling with my Dad and have given no indication I may be gay or questioning to either of them.

I came out very casually to my Mum two years ago. And even then I said "so I'm going to be dating guys soon". Never said I wouldn't date women. She hasn't brought it up since (either she's uncomfortable with the idea or just because I've not dated anyone there's no reason to discuss it). I'm not sure if my Dad knows (yes they are together, but I know her. She'll avoid awkward conversations with him and their relationship is strained at best).

Every time I discuss this with my friends (who are all straight) they don't get it. They assume because my brother is gay, they'll be used to and okay with it. But that's not how it comes across. It feels like it's a case of "oh another one" or "you too? What did we do?". It feels like they got over my brother because they had high hopes for me having the whole wife and kids typical marriage they could fawn over and put pictures on their fireplace. They're also conscious of what non-immediate family members think (we're not - but some of our distant family is religious) and they don't want to have to tell them they have two gay sons.

It sounds horrible but it's almost like they see my brother as an anomaly, and that it's okay for him to not live their traditional life as long as I do. It maybe helps that I have a sister as well who is straight and married, but sometimes I wonder if my Dad will feel like "wow, everyone in this room likes men except me" and will feel uncomfortable or isolated because of this (which is very ironic considering how I feel).


Did anyone else have this issue? I'm being made to feel like this is me being pessimistic and paranoid but I know my family, my friends don't.

 

[KaraBulut]

...Did anyone else have this issue? I'm being made to feel like this is me being pessimistic and paranoid but I know my family, my friends don't.

I've seen this issue among friends and either came down to "What did we do wrong?" or "Who is going to pass on the family name?".

One of these issues are becoming archaic ideas because we're largely abandoned the idea that parents are responsible for their child's sexual orientation. Parents adapt. These days, it matters more that you pick a partner that your parents can love and accept.

The question remaining is children. The options for this are changing. These days, if you attend a gay event or a service at a gay church, you're likely to see children, child care accommodations and all the trappings of heterosexual breeding. The catch is that, in order for same-sex couples to have children, it requires money, attorneys and complicated arrangements... but at least that door is open.

Bottom line: life is short. In the end, you have to pursue your own happiness.

 

[Seasoned]

I have three brothers. Two of us are gay. No problems with the sibs. Parents are deceased and both avoided direct conversation on that topic.

 

[Naughty_Monkey]

Every time I discuss this with my friends (who are all straight) they don't get it. They assume because my brother is gay, they'll be used to and okay with it. But that's not how it comes across. It feels like it's a case of "oh another one" or "you too? What did we do?". It feels like they got over my brother because they had high hopes for me having the whole wife and kids typical marriage they could fawn over and put pictures on their fireplace. They're also conscious of what non-immediate family members think (we're not - but some of our distant family is religious) and they don't want to have to tell them they have two gay sons.

It sounds horrible but it's almost like they see my brother as an anomaly, and that it's okay for him to not live their traditional life as long as I do. It maybe helps that I have a sister as well who is straight and married, but sometimes I wonder if my Dad will feel like "wow, everyone in this room likes men except me" and will feel uncomfortable or isolated because of this (which is very ironic considering how I feel).
.

Is it just you and your brother, you don't have any other siblings? I can understand your concerns. It sounds like you feel pressured because you are now your parents "last hope" for grandkids so they can keep up with the Jones. An heir and a spare situation if you like.

Well, whilst it's an understandable feeling, you are not responsible for your parents expectations and their desire to keep face with their social/family connections. Besides, who says neither of you are having kids? Gay people aren't sterile. Live your life for you, as your parents they should be happy for you as long as you are happy. That might take some time for them, but that doesn't mean you have to hide who you are for them to save face.

 

[Ganoderma]

You wrote: "I've not dated anyone" and "Every time I discuss this with my friends (who are all straight) they don't get it."

Would you mind to reflect on their responses / views in case there would be a guy with whom you are dating (or a boyfriend)? To put it in another way, any ideas how they would respond / react when this guy would be around (and / when you show them pictures of him / you and him together, etc.)?

 

[sazboy246]

You wrote: "I've not dated anyone" and "Every time I discuss this with my friends (who are all straight) they don't get it."

Would you mind to reflect on their responses / views in case there would be a guy with whom you are dating (or a boyfriend)? To put it in another way, any ideas how they would respond / react when this guy would be around (and / when you show them pictures of him / you and him together, etc.)?

How my friends will be isn't a huge worry of mine. I have a few scattered friends but also am friends with a big group of about 8 guys, 3 of which I'm close with. As for how they'll react, I think people would have to understand our groups dynamic. Everyone gets it "pretty tight" as far as teasing and from the outside it could probably be seen as homophobic when they do it to me. But deep down I think they'd treat my relationship with someone with respect and we'd still be invited to all outings and functions.

What I meant by them not "getting it" was purely the sibling thing though. I don't think they'll ever come close to capturing how my minds works or what a situation actually is.

 

[ballcaphair]

It's not so important that they "get it." So long as they "get you," they will respect you.

 

[Laboyes]

My sister came out as bi- a bit after I did. She has made it out as though I made it easier for her. She confessed being attracted to her best girl friend throughout her childhood.

We have noticed that the parents are less accepting of my sister's sexual orientation than they now seem to be about mine. My father's even amicably joked with me about my preference for guys --something I never saw happening--, whereas my sister has been preached at about making mistakes and stuff. It's not too much of a stretch to assume the parents feel more comfortable judging my sister because she is a female and she is younger than I am.

It's easy to forget that part of my family kind of rejected me right after I came out, though, because it didn't take too horribly long to get them to a point of acceptance. Maybe it'll become better as they spend more time with her.

At some point my elder brother is going to come out. The fact that the parents have already had to come to terms with the idea of me both as a gay person and a good person should make it easier for him, or so the three of us (I, my sister and my eldest brother) think.