Getting back with ex's...

[StakeMe]

Sorry if it's a bit long, i think i got carried away...


Hey Guys,
So i posted in a different thread a few days ago and mentioned a bit about my situation. I will give a bit more detail here.
My first boyfriend and I started dating in college, being the naive guy that I was then i fell pretty quick for him and him for me. It was kinda like a fairytale, or so i thought. He was perfect for me, so attractive and kind and everything i was looking for. He had definitely been with a multitude of men before me, i think now that i look back on it he was kinda a slut. All of which he tried so hard to keep from me while we were together, almost like he was trying to live up to my naive expectations of what my boyfriend should be. This created tension between us, no doubt. He ended college a semester before me and we decided he would live with me in the college town until he could find a job in the near by big city. He never ended up being able to find a job that was related to his program, he worked at a grocery store and hated it. He got offered a job back in his home town at a firm which was 2 provinces away. He was very hard pressed to take it but seeing that I wasn't ready to full out ask him to stay for me he ended up taking the job and moving away. We didn't really discuss what was going to happen to us once he moved but he made me promise that we would try and make it work.
We stayed together for about a month, i broke up with him because it wasn't realistic for me to sit around waiting for something that i wasn't even sure of. I needed to be single for once in my life and see what else was out there.
After we broke up we continued to talk and it seemed like we were even more open and honest with each other than before. I loved how he wasn't as afraid to open up to me because i guess he felt like he had nothing to lose. We decided he would come and visit me for a week to get closure from each other. I told him i didn't want him to come if he had been sleeping with other people and he assured me he hadn't.
When he arrived everything was great and it was so awesome to see him, i had missed him so much. At the end of the trip i was playing with his ipod touch and Manhunt was loaded on his brower. I asked a lot of questions and confronted him about it, he had messages from men telling him they were exited for him to return home so they could play and eat his ass...I was devastated and he assured me that he hadn't even met any of these men yet and that he hadn't slept with anyone since we had broken up. I believed him, i trusted him with all of my being. I then really tried to make it clear to him that he was better than hooking up with randoms from the internet and that it wasn't a very healthy way to deal with his pain of me breaking it off with him. He somewhat agreed and returned home a few days later.
About 4 weeks went by, we continued talking pretty much everyday. I had finished college and had 8 months off until I started school again. I couldn't find a job in my city because of the bad economy and i have no experience. I wanted to have an adventure, do something different. I pitched the idea to my ex that i come out and live with him for a few months, see if we could actually work as a couple and hopefully get a job for the summer at the sametime seeing that he lived in a province less impacted by the recession. This wasn't us getting back together, i knew i would have to leave at the end of the summer to go back to school. We had had a long talk before i pitched the idea and we both kinda just admitted to each other that we each wished we could just be together. I took the risk and said fuck it i'm coming out there. Neither of us really knew what was going to happen but we just wanted to be together. 2 weeks into my moving out there i began to get very suspicious about certain text messages he was recieving, he seemed to make excuses of who it was texting him before he even looked at it. I decided it was in my best interest to look into it and checked his phone while he was out. He had been talking to a guy and the texts involved them talking and arranging a time to meet up. I confronted him on it and he said he had seen the guy once before i got there and twice after i had arrived. He said all they did was meet in a park to talk, he said all they really talked about was how nothing between them could happen because i was in the picture now and that he wanted to be with me. Again, i beleived him. I was so upset and horrified that he would lie to my face about where he had been but understood that he was trying to protect me by not telling me and ending it with the guy behind my back. I decided to stay and take it one day at a time with him, not trusting him at all. I began to become more comfortable with the situation, we weren't an official couple, i was just there for the summer. I told him if he wanted to meet with this guy for lunch or something that i would be open to talking about it and that the only thing i asked was that i knew what was going on. I just wanted to know if they were going to see each other. He agreed he would tell me and that that seemed like a fair compromise.
Another week goes by and i am still getting very suspicious vibes from him, i figured he was seeing this guy behind my back again and not telling me so my great idea was to creep his msn history. I didn't expect to find what I found.
He had slept with an old fuck buddy wayyy when he first moved back for the job and before we had even broken up in the first place. One conversation in particular mentioned the fact that he didn't even feel guilty about cheating on me.(he claimed he only said that to the guy he slept with to seem unattached, and that it was just sex) I also discovered that he had indeed slept with two randoms from manhunt in the grey period that we were broken up but still talking a lot. I was beyond devastated and booked my flight home that second for the next day.
he came to see me off at the airport and apologized and said he would be doing the same if he were in my position.
It's been two months, we haven't talked. By randomly seeing on his sisters FB i know that he is seeing the guy he had been seeing before i arrived to be with him for the summer.
Hes very much a man when it comes to emotions, he can have totally disconnected sex and doesn't get attached to people very easily. He admitted to me that when he moved he felt like i had cast him aside and he delt with that pain by hooking up with an old fuck buddy, He also told me that the other two guys he slept with from manhunt weren't what he was looking for and he was trying to fill the void that i left him with.
Obviously none of this escuses all the lieing and cheating, they are reasons for what he did but not excuses. I feel bad for him because he choses to deal with pain in a degrading way. It's not for me and it may work for some people which is something i strugle to understand.
I know that it is totally irrational to forgive him this early, and i am still so mad and angry. I've been dating and trying to get myself out there and I really do want to find a boyfriend and sleep with other people.
There is this constant thing though that tells me i will always feel for my ex, always deep down thinking that one day in like 5 years if he puts enough effort into it to make it up to me i'd take him back.
This whole ordeal has really made me see the reality and hardships of relationships and my whole naive perfect ideal has kinda gone down the drain. I have really grown and learned from this and for that am almost glad it happened...this is life, it's shitty and we deal with it.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? what happened? have you gotten back together? Am I crazy in thinking this way?
A part of me thinks all of this is going through my head because it makes it easier to deal with and to move on from.

Let me know about similar situations or views on my situation! thanks

 

[gingentleman]

For whatever reason, this jerk has treated you very badly. Lying is never appropriate and cheating is not to be tolerated. Break off completely... even in your thoughts, and get on with your life. You deserve someone you can trust and be honest with. You deserve someone that loves you, not a lying, cheating, manipulative asshole.

 

[KaraBulut]

I took the liberty of reorganizing and abridging your post to make it easier to answer.

Hes very much a man when it comes to emotions, he can have totally disconnected sex and doesn't get attached to people very easily. He admitted to me that when he moved he felt like i had cast him aside and he delt with that pain by hooking up with an old fuck buddy, He also told me that the other two guys he slept with from manhunt weren't what he was looking for and he was trying to fill the void that i left him with.

Here's where both of you are going wrong.

You're confusing the idea of male stoicism with lack of feeling. Your boyfriend- actually men in general- have very deep and overwhelming emotions. However, some men are hurt little boys who try to assuage their their emotions in ways they think are manly - drinking, partying and fucking around.

That's what your boyfriend is doing.

Obviously none of this escuses all the lieing and cheating, they are reasons for what he did but not excuses. I feel bad for him because he choses to deal with pain in a degrading way. It's not for me and it may work for some people which is something i strugle to understand.
I know that it is totally irrational to forgive him this early, and i am still so mad and angry. I've been dating and trying to get myself out there and I really do want to find a boyfriend and sleep with other people.

Your boyfriend's behavior preceeded you. It resumed (or continued perhaps) after you went your separate ways. And it will continue until he grows up a bit. His behavior is not your responsibility- you didn't cause it and only he can change it.

You should forgive him.

But you shouldn't forget that he's an immature, insecure, lying, cheating guy who is your ex for good reason. Perhaps if he changes and grows up a little bit then you can get back together someday.

But don't hold your breath. And don't waste anymore time waiting for him.

This whole ordeal has really made me see the reality and hardships of relationships and my whole naive perfect ideal has kinda gone down the drain. I have really grown and learned from this and for that am almost glad it happened...this is life, it's shitty and we deal with it.

There is this constant thing though that tells me i will always feel for my ex, always deep down thinking that one day in like 5 years if he puts enough effort into it to make it up to me i'd take him back.

Welcome to the reality of dating. There are no perfect people. There are no perfect relationships.

It's a hard lesson to learn.

You have to decide what it is you want from relationships and you have to make that clear. If monogamy is one of the things you're looking for, then you're also going to have to decide how much you're willing to forgive.

But it seems that this relationship already has too much painful history. And you have to ask yourself, "If we were back together, would anything be different?".

 

[G-Lexington]

Cavoli riscaldati.

Lex

 

[StakeMe]

Wow, KaraBulut....Thank you for that break down. It honestly has helped me sort this out quite a bit! It's very hard to analyze and perceive a situation when you're right in the middle of it. I appreciate your honesty and the time you took to reply.
I have told him a few times he needs to grow up, hes very stubborn and in denial about a lot of issues in his life i think. He doesn't have an overly supportive family and went through a lot when coming out of the closet in regards to living in a small town and being the only gay guy in highschool. His mother is a cold hearted bitch (his own words) so I'm not surprised that the inability to properly deal with emotions has rubbed off on him.
It just sucks for me! That I now have to pay, by feeling this way, for his stupid insecurities.
I've e-mailed him a few times for him to send me my ipod which i forgot their and he hasn't responded....bastard...

Anywho, I am off to clean my apartment! I have a cute boy coming over tonight haha

 

[youngnihilist]

You're not dating him right now, so what's it matter what he does in his personal life?

 

[StakeMe]

If you re read my original post you'll see that he cheated on me while we were still together. Which to me is a deal braker...

I agree with you that while we were broken up he was totally free to sleep with who he wished...what bothered me was the fact that he knew I didn't want to go and be with him for the summer if he had been sleeping around. All he had to do was be honest about who he had slept with and that would have solved a lot of heartbreak on my part moving out there thinking he had been in the same place mentally as I was. Instead he was selfish and lied to me about it so I would come and spend the summer with him.
Bottom line is him cheating on me wasn't even the worst part. I could have forgiven that. What made it so brutal was the fact that he lied to me for so long about cheating on me and acted so broken hearted and blamefull towards me for braking up with him while all along he was getting some on the side...