I was recently outed at a party by a guy I trusted and loved. We have been friends for years and to be honest I have had a crush on him for at least 5 years it would be impossible for me to know how many pints of squeeby I have ejaculated while dreaming of Gary. We have been best buddies since infant school. Always together always watching after each others back. Gary came from a troubled house His Dad done a runner about 7 years ago leaving his Mother to bring up the kids on her own. Gary had 2 older sisters,3 younger brothers and a younger sister. His Mother was an alcoholic whose only interest in life was her next bottle of Vodka. She kept a dirty house and dirty kids. But Gary was a strong character he did not openly let his home life get him down he always had a smile on his face no matter what was happening in his home or when taking abuse from the neighborhood bullies. In my eyes he was a good looking and very likable guy although his personal hygiene and unkempt state hid what he was from most people. He and the rest of his family were taunted and bullied called tramps and often assaulted for no reason other than his clothes were dirty and his mum was an alcoholic but no matter what people said about him he was my best mate and I honestly loved him. When he was 15 years old His mother was sectioned after having a nervous breakdown and his life changed for the better. His aunt took on the responsibility of his house and family she cleaned up the kids and the house and for the first time in years Garry had a happy good home life.
I was closer to Gary Stewart than I was to my own two older brothers we were always together and often spent time in my bedroom alone wrestling etc. Often during these wrestling matches I would get turned on by the close body contact and know Gary did also the evidence often showing in his tented trackies. At that time I would have probably described my sexuality as Bi Curious when I was rolling around on my bed or the bedroom floor with Gary there was a lot of sexual tension defiantly in my part anyway and I am sure it was often the same for him. Often during these Wrestling matches I would accidently on purpose steal a quick feel at Gary’s private parts sometimes he complained other times he just ignored it. Just after we turned 16 we had a couple of mutual masturbation sessions. We spent the night together at his house where we shared a bed and although we never had sex it was all very sexual touching feeling Etc.I was in love with Gary and was sure he felt the same about me. But things were not that straight forward. We were teenage boys from a rough housing scheme in Glasgow a place where men were men and pansies were flowers. Guys having sex with Guys was not acceptable we both knew that. Our friends of called us lovers in a joking manner because we were always together in fact we were both happiest when it was only us two together. As you will read later in this story early in our 16th year things got a little sexual between us but Gary backed off and for nearly a year nothing sexual happened between us although we were as close as ever and he knew that I had sexual feelings towards him I told him often enough and was constantly sexually suggestive to him.
Then in November last year we had been to the funeral of a friend of ours who had been killed in a road accident. We both got very drunk after the cremation and he came back to mine to for a few joints before calling it a night. I suppose we were both a bit emotional about the funeral that mixed with drink led to a situation where we ended up hugging and cuddling each other I have to be honest I had a raging hardon as we were doing this.
I had wanted to hold Gary like this for so long. I kissed him on the cheek and he did not object then a few minutes later I kissed him again but this time on the lips and we ended up having a long deep passionate kiss. I slipped my hand on to his cock I could feel that he was just as hard as me. I massaged his cock through his trousers for about a minute then he pushed my hand away and left my house to head home.
The following day we met up as usual what had happened the night before was not mentioned by either of us but it was very clear in my head. We carried on just as before being good mates. I was more in love with Gary than I had ever been the memory of the kiss we had shared was etched on my mind I thought back to that night about 100 times a day every day and many a good wank came to climax at the thought of holding his hard cock through his trousers. Just before Christmas I bought him two pairs of CK boxers as a Christmas present not something we had ever done before but now that I was working I had the money I wanted buy him a present. He had told me he liked CK boxers the week before when I had bought a pair while we had been out shopping together. On the 23rd of December we had been drinking in my bedroom. After we had a good few drinks and were on our way to La La land I decided to give him his present he was pretty embarrassed that I had bought him a present when he opened the package and saw what was in it he gave me a big hug and thanked me. I offered to fit them for him. But unfortunately he declined my offer but agreed to let me see him wearing them. He went through into our bathroom and put a pair on then came back through to my bedroom posing in the bright white boxer briefs with the red waistband he seamed delighted with them Gary usually wore the cheaper brands of boxers.
The sight of him standing in front of me in these bright white tight fitting boxers sent the blood rushing to my cock. I could see the shape of his cock and balls in the shorts I was turned on big style my lust for him combined with the alcohol and cannabis we had smoked gave me Dutch Courage. I walked over to him wrapped my arms around him and tried to kiss him on the lips.
Gary pushed me away I could tell that he was totally shocked he hurriedly pulled on his jeans and trainers and stormed out of my house leaving one pair of the boxers still in the box that I had given him and the pair he had been wearing earlier that night.
20 minutes later he texted telling me to meet him at the corner of our street and to bring the boxers he had been wearing with me. I did not have to look for them as I had them in my hand at the time the text came through. I left the house straight away and met him about 5 minutes later. I gave him his boxers and he threw the ones I had bought him at me and shouted at the top of his voice " Here gay boy give those to some other bender " then walked away. I was pretty upset at his reaction I was so sure that he felt the same about me as I did about him.
I went back home I gave him an hour or so to calm down then texted him a few times over the next hour but he ignored the texts. Then about lunchtime on Christmas Eve he text me to say that he did not want to see or here from me ever again and I was to delete his number from my phone and never again try to contact him.
I was totally shattered none of my friends or family knew I was gay except the ones that I had been having sex with. I was petrified that Gary would tell our other mates and it would get back to my father or brothers that I had tried it on with him.
I had known for some time that I was gay and although I was only 18 years old I had been having regular sex with guys in secret since I was 14. I had not seen Gary since Christmas Eve. All my mates were going out for a Christmas drink on Boxing Day something that we had planned the previous week but I made the excuse that I was unwell. I had not seen but had texted a few of our other mates to test the lie of the land but nothing was mentioned about me and Gary so I assumed that he was not going to tell anyone. I texted him on Boxing day wishing him a Merry Christmas and letting him know I was sorry I blamed it on the drink and promised it would never happen again I begged him to forgive me and made it clear that I would not be going to the Boxing day session so he could go and enjoy himself. For the rest of the week I never went out much I had texts back and forth from various mates who had been at the Boxing day bash. I had found out that Gary had been there but had obviously not mentioned what had happened between us to any of our mates as nothing was mentioned. Mum and Dad were on my case about not going out during the festive season and also asking why Gary had not been over there had hardly been a day in the past five years that Gary was not in my house at some point of the day. I told them we had been arguing ad had fallen out.
On New Years eve a few of my mates came to my house to bring in the Bells it was a sort of tradition thing that my brothers and our mates had been doing for the past few years John my oldest brother had started it when he was 17. Mum and ad always went to the local social club to bring in the bells and would leave us to party at our house. I text Garry begging him to come but he never replied or came to the party.
Ten on New Years night one of our other mates had a party I had decided that I was going it was obvious that Garry had not mentioned anything to anyone ok maybe he was not going to talk to me but at least he had not spread the word that I was a bender. When I arrived at the party Gary was already there he made it clear that he did not want to talk to me by completely ignoring me when I offered him my hand and wished him a happy new year it was all a bit strained and obvious that we were not talking. He was at one end of the room and me at the other something that was unusual. One of our other mates Ryan tried to become peace maker realizing that we had fallen out saying
“Have you two had a lovers tiff com’on kiss and make up it’s new year”.
When Gary heard this he started ranting that he was not my fucking lover he then told everyone at the party that I was a bender and had tried to get into his boxers that I had groped his cock and tried to kiss him he was furious and it was clear that he was being serious. Everyone at the party was laughing and pointing at me calling me all the benders, poof’s, bum boy, all the usual childish crap. I could have beat anyone at that party in a fight including Gary but them all together shouting abuse was too much for me to handle I left the party and went straight home to bed. The cat was out the bag now mud sticks where I come from and once you have been accused of something like that word spreads like wild fire and even the dog’s in the street are barking “POOF” at you I lay in my bed shattered I had been there for Gary Stewart through thick and thin when others slagged him I defended him. When he had nothing which had been often I shared what I had with him be it money, drugs or drink. We had done sexual things together ok mostly it was me who initiated it I am not saying he enjoyed it and he never let me go too far but we had been pretty intimate with each other on a few occasions through the years ok I had probably went too far on Christmas Eve but did that give him the right to destroy my life to bring me down so low in front of people we had both ben friends with for most of our life.
The following morning I got out of bed opened my room curtains my brother Jamie who I shared the room with had not come home that night he would have been at some other party with his own mates and would be no doubt sleeping it of in some girls bed or a mates carpet.
My heart sank when I saw wrote on the pavement outside my house in big bold white letters the words
EDDIE IS A BENDER WATCH YOUR ARSE
Had been painted for everyone to see. I had been outed not only to my mates but to the whole street including my parents and family. My life was in ruins I would have to kill myself. I could not bring this shame on my family never mind myself it was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I was disgusted with myself it was all my own doing I had been lusting after guys for years now. I had been sleeping with guys I had this whole secret life that was now going to come spewing out. I had lived with the fear of getting found out since I was 14 years old. I had tried so hard on so many occasions to be straight to stop lusting after boys and just love girls. I suppose I had known for a while that it would only be a matter of time before the shit would hit the fan. But not like this not by the guy I loved most in the world. Not to everyone I loved and cared for all at the same time. My lust had destroyed my life nothing and no one else was to blame Suicide was the only way out but only for me my family would be disgusted I had to get away from here and fast.
I threw some clothes in a bag gathered up what little cash I had and took my bank card from y drawer made my bed and left the house it was 9.30 am Mum and Dad would be getting up anytime now. If I had any sense I would have found some paint and painted over those words but I never even thought about that until hours later. I headed in towards the town centre my head was all over the place I could jump in the Clyde but that might not work I could go down the woods and hang myself that’s what I was going to do I went to the park then into the woods looking for some rope I found a tree that had an old rope swing on it I searched around to find something to stand on something that I could jump off once I had the rope around my neck I found an old 5 gallon oil drum that would do I was about to put the rope around my neck when a man with a dog came through the woods I jumped off the bin and pretended I was playing with the swing once e was out of sight I got upon the drum again tears blinding me I began to doubt that it would work I needed a hangman’s noose but did not know how to tie one
I changed my mind fuck it I would run away to London I had read about it in the papers and saw it on TV I would run away and become a rent boy until I had enough cash to get a flat then I would get a job that’s what I decided on I headed back into town to Buchanan Street bus station the bus for London had left 20 minutes earlier and their was not another until early evening the next bus going south was to Blackpool leaving in an hours time. I had been to Blackpool a few times on weekend and day trips I knew my way around there I could get a job in a hotel hopefully a live in position or a job on the Pleasure Beach I might have to live rough for a while but it would be better than killing myself I did not want to die I was fucking scared of dying I could not kill myself I was a fucking coward. I bought my ticket for the bus then went and sat in the toilets until it was time to get on the bus. I could not belive myself here I was in all this trouble through my stinking gay thoughts and what did I do I began reading the dirty gay messages on the cubicle walls soon I had my cock out and was wanking away like a madman trying to fire my duff on to the walls to join all the other spunk deposited by God only knows how many other perverted fuckers was my whole life going to be like this maybe I would be better off dead. I cleaned up and got out onto the concourse just as the bus was beginning to board I had just sat down on my seat when my phone rang it was Mum I switched the phone off and stuffed it into my bag I would get rid of the sim card and sell my phone when I got to Blackpool.
When I arrived in Blackpool it was just after 3pm I had withdrawn my last £20 from my bank account before leaving Glasgow between that and the money I had in the house I had bought my bus ticket some crisps and juice for my journey and cigarettes for my nerves leaving me with only £16 to start my new life with.
My head was in turmoil I had no where to stay and with not even enough money for a bed and breakfast. I walked about Blackpool trying to find a job it was the 2nd of January hardly any place was open . I sat about on the pier for hours just thinking about what I was going to do and most importantly where I was going to sleep my head was wasted .
Eventually I turned on my phone I had 28 messages and a few missed calls most of the messages were from my mum and dad wanting to know where I was and wanting to know what was going on and about the message painted on the pavement outside the house. There was 7 messages from mates a couple were abusive but a couple just asking if it was true that I am gay. I text mum to tell her I was ok and not to worry about me within seconds of hitting the send button my phone rang. I could tell by her voice that she was really worried about me. At first I refused to tell her where I was but she began pleading and crying down the phone. She was in tears I was in tears it was all pretty heavy stuff eventually I told her I was in Blackpool. She asked who I was with. I told her I was alone.She asked were I was staying and how much money I had. I told her the truth. She told me to find a hotel and book in and she would phone and pay by credit card and that she and dad would be down the following day.
I wont go in to too much detail here. I will just paint a general picture. I went to the nearest hotel and explained that I needed a room and mum wanted to pay by card. The Receptionist let me phone mum and she gave her card details. I was allocated a room minutes after I closed the door and lay on the bed Mum called and we spoke for ages. She wanted to know why the message had been painted outside the house and more importantly if I knew who had done it. She told me that my Dad had painted over the words and that he and my two brothers had been out looking for my mates to see if they knew anything about it. My dad was a bouncer/Door security in some of the roughest Pubs and Clubs in Glasow for years he had been in prison a couple of times in his younger years for violence he can be very aggressive when he gets annoyed I was dreading what he was going to do. Mum asked me about a hundred times why anyone would write that stuff and why if there was no truth in it why did I fuck off to Blackpool. Eventually she gave in and told me to get some sleep they would be leaving early in the morning to come and get me. I lay on that bed tossing and turning (well more tossing I must have had 5 or 6 wanks that night so much so that I had friction burn on my Cock)even though I had caused all this trouble I still could not get my perverted thoughts out of my head it was better than thinking about what my dad was going to do when he got his hands on me. I eventually dozed off must have been exhaustion. I woke up with the sound of my phone ringing it was just after 10am it was mum telling me that they would be in Blackpool in about an hour.
. I got up had a piss then had a wank In the shower. I dressed then sat worrying about having to face Mum and Dad. I had butterflies in my stomach I felt sick I even considered doing a runner before they got here but that would have just made things a hundred times worse. I sat on the bed waiting for them to come wondering what would happen now. I had to be out of the room before 12 it was 11.15 when I heard a knock on the room door. I can’t explain in words how I felt walking towards that door
I wanted to throw up. My whole body was shaking. I opened the door Mum threw her arms around me and Dad closed the door behind him. “Right what the fuck is going on” dad demanded mum growled at him. " That wee cunt Gary Stewart told our John that you tried perv him up is it true " Dad more shouted than asked. I did not know what to say I just held my head in my hands. " Look if your a fucking queer just admit it" Mum lost her rag and told him to get out of the room and wait in the car. Dad stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.
I broke down crying like a two year old Mum hugged me she was crying also. " your mine and no matter what you are or what you have done I love you son I would give my life for you"
"I did try it on with Gary I thought he wanted to do it"
" it's ok son we all make mistakes your probably just confused lots of teenagers get confused and do stupid things on the spur of the moment it's not the end of the world we will get it sorted out. John has warned Gary if he ever says anything about you again he will smash his face in" " Fuck sake mum I am not confused It's true I am a poof Gary is not the first Just go home and leave me here I will be alright as soon as I find a job"
" Look and listen to me if your gay so what we will deal with it but there is no way I am leaving you here your coming home with us and we will deal with it" " Dad will go mental when he finds out it is true he will kill me" “He will kill anyone who gives you a hard time son He might not like it but he will stand by you and support you no matter what you are or do.
it was exactly 12.00 when we left the room I checked out and we went to the car Dad drove to a cafe so we could get some breakfast. I ate a little then went outside for a smoke. I wanted to give Mum the chance to put Dad in the picture. When I got back in it was obvious that Mum had told him I was gay. Dad hugged me "don’t worry about it Edward your my son and if you like guys rather than burds I will be behind yea 100% but for fuck sake don’t start wearing your mums dresses I could not handle you turning into Lily Savage" He was squashing the life out me but I knew he meant it from his heart. I was surprised how well he took it I expected to get punched black and blue and disowned but the total opposite happened all the way back home in the car we chatted. We probably spoke more to each other in those 3 hours than we had in the previous 10 years. I laughed when he said " But for fuck sake son if your going tae get a boyfriend get a better looking one than that cunt Gary Stewart he is one ugly bastard" All was going to be ok.
Back in wet and Windy Glasgow. The family sat down my Father,Mother and my two brothers. My dad put my brothers in the picture and warned them that they had better look out for me incase anyone gave me any hassle over the Gary Incident. My oldest Brother John told me that Gary had been warned if he even looked in my direction again he would be going to Hospital.
Over the next couple of days things were a bit strained. I text a few of my mates to test the water 2 of the 5 I text replied 3 ignored me the two who replied were sound both wanted to know if it was true that I am Gay.
I text back that I think that I am Bi. Scot replied " Fucking cool with me bud". Danny replied " Ed I don’t care who your shagging as long as it is not me Ha Ha Gary Stewart swears it was not him who wrote that shite outside your house if you want tae go out for a drink gies a shout but no fuckin gay bars Ha Ha love yea mate”
I went back to work on the Monday and carried on with life of course I lost some mates but very few. And they were not really long time mates .Believe it or not within 2 weeks I met Gary I was dreading this but it was fine infact hr apologized for the way he handled things but swore that it was not him who wrote outside our house .We are mates again we will never be as close as we were but at least we are on talking terms and have been in company together a few times since. Of course I did not get off scot free as they say. I get the odd sly comment about being a poof but mostly in a joking manner. I am happier now than I was for years. I still claim to most outside my family and really close friends that I am Bi but I am sure everyone accepts that I am Gay and through time I will come clean when I have to
I was closer to Gary Stewart than I was to my own two older brothers we were always together and often spent time in my bedroom alone wrestling etc. Often during these wrestling matches I would get turned on by the close body contact and know Gary did also the evidence often showing in his tented trackies. At that time I would have probably described my sexuality as Bi Curious when I was rolling around on my bed or the bedroom floor with Gary there was a lot of sexual tension defiantly in my part anyway and I am sure it was often the same for him. Often during these Wrestling matches I would accidently on purpose steal a quick feel at Gary’s private parts sometimes he complained other times he just ignored it. Just after we turned 16 we had a couple of mutual masturbation sessions. We spent the night together at his house where we shared a bed and although we never had sex it was all very sexual touching feeling Etc.I was in love with Gary and was sure he felt the same about me. But things were not that straight forward. We were teenage boys from a rough housing scheme in Glasgow a place where men were men and pansies were flowers. Guys having sex with Guys was not acceptable we both knew that. Our friends of called us lovers in a joking manner because we were always together in fact we were both happiest when it was only us two together. As you will read later in this story early in our 16th year things got a little sexual between us but Gary backed off and for nearly a year nothing sexual happened between us although we were as close as ever and he knew that I had sexual feelings towards him I told him often enough and was constantly sexually suggestive to him.
Then in November last year we had been to the funeral of a friend of ours who had been killed in a road accident. We both got very drunk after the cremation and he came back to mine to for a few joints before calling it a night. I suppose we were both a bit emotional about the funeral that mixed with drink led to a situation where we ended up hugging and cuddling each other I have to be honest I had a raging hardon as we were doing this.
I had wanted to hold Gary like this for so long. I kissed him on the cheek and he did not object then a few minutes later I kissed him again but this time on the lips and we ended up having a long deep passionate kiss. I slipped my hand on to his cock I could feel that he was just as hard as me. I massaged his cock through his trousers for about a minute then he pushed my hand away and left my house to head home.
The following day we met up as usual what had happened the night before was not mentioned by either of us but it was very clear in my head. We carried on just as before being good mates. I was more in love with Gary than I had ever been the memory of the kiss we had shared was etched on my mind I thought back to that night about 100 times a day every day and many a good wank came to climax at the thought of holding his hard cock through his trousers. Just before Christmas I bought him two pairs of CK boxers as a Christmas present not something we had ever done before but now that I was working I had the money I wanted buy him a present. He had told me he liked CK boxers the week before when I had bought a pair while we had been out shopping together. On the 23rd of December we had been drinking in my bedroom. After we had a good few drinks and were on our way to La La land I decided to give him his present he was pretty embarrassed that I had bought him a present when he opened the package and saw what was in it he gave me a big hug and thanked me. I offered to fit them for him. But unfortunately he declined my offer but agreed to let me see him wearing them. He went through into our bathroom and put a pair on then came back through to my bedroom posing in the bright white boxer briefs with the red waistband he seamed delighted with them Gary usually wore the cheaper brands of boxers.
The sight of him standing in front of me in these bright white tight fitting boxers sent the blood rushing to my cock. I could see the shape of his cock and balls in the shorts I was turned on big style my lust for him combined with the alcohol and cannabis we had smoked gave me Dutch Courage. I walked over to him wrapped my arms around him and tried to kiss him on the lips.
Gary pushed me away I could tell that he was totally shocked he hurriedly pulled on his jeans and trainers and stormed out of my house leaving one pair of the boxers still in the box that I had given him and the pair he had been wearing earlier that night.
20 minutes later he texted telling me to meet him at the corner of our street and to bring the boxers he had been wearing with me. I did not have to look for them as I had them in my hand at the time the text came through. I left the house straight away and met him about 5 minutes later. I gave him his boxers and he threw the ones I had bought him at me and shouted at the top of his voice " Here gay boy give those to some other bender " then walked away. I was pretty upset at his reaction I was so sure that he felt the same about me as I did about him.
I went back home I gave him an hour or so to calm down then texted him a few times over the next hour but he ignored the texts. Then about lunchtime on Christmas Eve he text me to say that he did not want to see or here from me ever again and I was to delete his number from my phone and never again try to contact him.
I was totally shattered none of my friends or family knew I was gay except the ones that I had been having sex with. I was petrified that Gary would tell our other mates and it would get back to my father or brothers that I had tried it on with him.
I had known for some time that I was gay and although I was only 18 years old I had been having regular sex with guys in secret since I was 14. I had not seen Gary since Christmas Eve. All my mates were going out for a Christmas drink on Boxing Day something that we had planned the previous week but I made the excuse that I was unwell. I had not seen but had texted a few of our other mates to test the lie of the land but nothing was mentioned about me and Gary so I assumed that he was not going to tell anyone. I texted him on Boxing day wishing him a Merry Christmas and letting him know I was sorry I blamed it on the drink and promised it would never happen again I begged him to forgive me and made it clear that I would not be going to the Boxing day session so he could go and enjoy himself. For the rest of the week I never went out much I had texts back and forth from various mates who had been at the Boxing day bash. I had found out that Gary had been there but had obviously not mentioned what had happened between us to any of our mates as nothing was mentioned. Mum and Dad were on my case about not going out during the festive season and also asking why Gary had not been over there had hardly been a day in the past five years that Gary was not in my house at some point of the day. I told them we had been arguing ad had fallen out.
On New Years eve a few of my mates came to my house to bring in the Bells it was a sort of tradition thing that my brothers and our mates had been doing for the past few years John my oldest brother had started it when he was 17. Mum and ad always went to the local social club to bring in the bells and would leave us to party at our house. I text Garry begging him to come but he never replied or came to the party.
Ten on New Years night one of our other mates had a party I had decided that I was going it was obvious that Garry had not mentioned anything to anyone ok maybe he was not going to talk to me but at least he had not spread the word that I was a bender. When I arrived at the party Gary was already there he made it clear that he did not want to talk to me by completely ignoring me when I offered him my hand and wished him a happy new year it was all a bit strained and obvious that we were not talking. He was at one end of the room and me at the other something that was unusual. One of our other mates Ryan tried to become peace maker realizing that we had fallen out saying
“Have you two had a lovers tiff com’on kiss and make up it’s new year”.
When Gary heard this he started ranting that he was not my fucking lover he then told everyone at the party that I was a bender and had tried to get into his boxers that I had groped his cock and tried to kiss him he was furious and it was clear that he was being serious. Everyone at the party was laughing and pointing at me calling me all the benders, poof’s, bum boy, all the usual childish crap. I could have beat anyone at that party in a fight including Gary but them all together shouting abuse was too much for me to handle I left the party and went straight home to bed. The cat was out the bag now mud sticks where I come from and once you have been accused of something like that word spreads like wild fire and even the dog’s in the street are barking “POOF” at you I lay in my bed shattered I had been there for Gary Stewart through thick and thin when others slagged him I defended him. When he had nothing which had been often I shared what I had with him be it money, drugs or drink. We had done sexual things together ok mostly it was me who initiated it I am not saying he enjoyed it and he never let me go too far but we had been pretty intimate with each other on a few occasions through the years ok I had probably went too far on Christmas Eve but did that give him the right to destroy my life to bring me down so low in front of people we had both ben friends with for most of our life.
The following morning I got out of bed opened my room curtains my brother Jamie who I shared the room with had not come home that night he would have been at some other party with his own mates and would be no doubt sleeping it of in some girls bed or a mates carpet.
My heart sank when I saw wrote on the pavement outside my house in big bold white letters the words
EDDIE IS A BENDER WATCH YOUR ARSE
Had been painted for everyone to see. I had been outed not only to my mates but to the whole street including my parents and family. My life was in ruins I would have to kill myself. I could not bring this shame on my family never mind myself it was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I was disgusted with myself it was all my own doing I had been lusting after guys for years now. I had been sleeping with guys I had this whole secret life that was now going to come spewing out. I had lived with the fear of getting found out since I was 14 years old. I had tried so hard on so many occasions to be straight to stop lusting after boys and just love girls. I suppose I had known for a while that it would only be a matter of time before the shit would hit the fan. But not like this not by the guy I loved most in the world. Not to everyone I loved and cared for all at the same time. My lust had destroyed my life nothing and no one else was to blame Suicide was the only way out but only for me my family would be disgusted I had to get away from here and fast.
I threw some clothes in a bag gathered up what little cash I had and took my bank card from y drawer made my bed and left the house it was 9.30 am Mum and Dad would be getting up anytime now. If I had any sense I would have found some paint and painted over those words but I never even thought about that until hours later. I headed in towards the town centre my head was all over the place I could jump in the Clyde but that might not work I could go down the woods and hang myself that’s what I was going to do I went to the park then into the woods looking for some rope I found a tree that had an old rope swing on it I searched around to find something to stand on something that I could jump off once I had the rope around my neck I found an old 5 gallon oil drum that would do I was about to put the rope around my neck when a man with a dog came through the woods I jumped off the bin and pretended I was playing with the swing once e was out of sight I got upon the drum again tears blinding me I began to doubt that it would work I needed a hangman’s noose but did not know how to tie one
I changed my mind fuck it I would run away to London I had read about it in the papers and saw it on TV I would run away and become a rent boy until I had enough cash to get a flat then I would get a job that’s what I decided on I headed back into town to Buchanan Street bus station the bus for London had left 20 minutes earlier and their was not another until early evening the next bus going south was to Blackpool leaving in an hours time. I had been to Blackpool a few times on weekend and day trips I knew my way around there I could get a job in a hotel hopefully a live in position or a job on the Pleasure Beach I might have to live rough for a while but it would be better than killing myself I did not want to die I was fucking scared of dying I could not kill myself I was a fucking coward. I bought my ticket for the bus then went and sat in the toilets until it was time to get on the bus. I could not belive myself here I was in all this trouble through my stinking gay thoughts and what did I do I began reading the dirty gay messages on the cubicle walls soon I had my cock out and was wanking away like a madman trying to fire my duff on to the walls to join all the other spunk deposited by God only knows how many other perverted fuckers was my whole life going to be like this maybe I would be better off dead. I cleaned up and got out onto the concourse just as the bus was beginning to board I had just sat down on my seat when my phone rang it was Mum I switched the phone off and stuffed it into my bag I would get rid of the sim card and sell my phone when I got to Blackpool.
When I arrived in Blackpool it was just after 3pm I had withdrawn my last £20 from my bank account before leaving Glasgow between that and the money I had in the house I had bought my bus ticket some crisps and juice for my journey and cigarettes for my nerves leaving me with only £16 to start my new life with.
My head was in turmoil I had no where to stay and with not even enough money for a bed and breakfast. I walked about Blackpool trying to find a job it was the 2nd of January hardly any place was open . I sat about on the pier for hours just thinking about what I was going to do and most importantly where I was going to sleep my head was wasted .
Eventually I turned on my phone I had 28 messages and a few missed calls most of the messages were from my mum and dad wanting to know where I was and wanting to know what was going on and about the message painted on the pavement outside the house. There was 7 messages from mates a couple were abusive but a couple just asking if it was true that I am gay. I text mum to tell her I was ok and not to worry about me within seconds of hitting the send button my phone rang. I could tell by her voice that she was really worried about me. At first I refused to tell her where I was but she began pleading and crying down the phone. She was in tears I was in tears it was all pretty heavy stuff eventually I told her I was in Blackpool. She asked who I was with. I told her I was alone.She asked were I was staying and how much money I had. I told her the truth. She told me to find a hotel and book in and she would phone and pay by credit card and that she and dad would be down the following day.
I wont go in to too much detail here. I will just paint a general picture. I went to the nearest hotel and explained that I needed a room and mum wanted to pay by card. The Receptionist let me phone mum and she gave her card details. I was allocated a room minutes after I closed the door and lay on the bed Mum called and we spoke for ages. She wanted to know why the message had been painted outside the house and more importantly if I knew who had done it. She told me that my Dad had painted over the words and that he and my two brothers had been out looking for my mates to see if they knew anything about it. My dad was a bouncer/Door security in some of the roughest Pubs and Clubs in Glasow for years he had been in prison a couple of times in his younger years for violence he can be very aggressive when he gets annoyed I was dreading what he was going to do. Mum asked me about a hundred times why anyone would write that stuff and why if there was no truth in it why did I fuck off to Blackpool. Eventually she gave in and told me to get some sleep they would be leaving early in the morning to come and get me. I lay on that bed tossing and turning (well more tossing I must have had 5 or 6 wanks that night so much so that I had friction burn on my Cock)even though I had caused all this trouble I still could not get my perverted thoughts out of my head it was better than thinking about what my dad was going to do when he got his hands on me. I eventually dozed off must have been exhaustion. I woke up with the sound of my phone ringing it was just after 10am it was mum telling me that they would be in Blackpool in about an hour.
. I got up had a piss then had a wank In the shower. I dressed then sat worrying about having to face Mum and Dad. I had butterflies in my stomach I felt sick I even considered doing a runner before they got here but that would have just made things a hundred times worse. I sat on the bed waiting for them to come wondering what would happen now. I had to be out of the room before 12 it was 11.15 when I heard a knock on the room door. I can’t explain in words how I felt walking towards that door
I wanted to throw up. My whole body was shaking. I opened the door Mum threw her arms around me and Dad closed the door behind him. “Right what the fuck is going on” dad demanded mum growled at him. " That wee cunt Gary Stewart told our John that you tried perv him up is it true " Dad more shouted than asked. I did not know what to say I just held my head in my hands. " Look if your a fucking queer just admit it" Mum lost her rag and told him to get out of the room and wait in the car. Dad stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.
I broke down crying like a two year old Mum hugged me she was crying also. " your mine and no matter what you are or what you have done I love you son I would give my life for you"
"I did try it on with Gary I thought he wanted to do it"
" it's ok son we all make mistakes your probably just confused lots of teenagers get confused and do stupid things on the spur of the moment it's not the end of the world we will get it sorted out. John has warned Gary if he ever says anything about you again he will smash his face in" " Fuck sake mum I am not confused It's true I am a poof Gary is not the first Just go home and leave me here I will be alright as soon as I find a job"
" Look and listen to me if your gay so what we will deal with it but there is no way I am leaving you here your coming home with us and we will deal with it" " Dad will go mental when he finds out it is true he will kill me" “He will kill anyone who gives you a hard time son He might not like it but he will stand by you and support you no matter what you are or do.
it was exactly 12.00 when we left the room I checked out and we went to the car Dad drove to a cafe so we could get some breakfast. I ate a little then went outside for a smoke. I wanted to give Mum the chance to put Dad in the picture. When I got back in it was obvious that Mum had told him I was gay. Dad hugged me "don’t worry about it Edward your my son and if you like guys rather than burds I will be behind yea 100% but for fuck sake don’t start wearing your mums dresses I could not handle you turning into Lily Savage" He was squashing the life out me but I knew he meant it from his heart. I was surprised how well he took it I expected to get punched black and blue and disowned but the total opposite happened all the way back home in the car we chatted. We probably spoke more to each other in those 3 hours than we had in the previous 10 years. I laughed when he said " But for fuck sake son if your going tae get a boyfriend get a better looking one than that cunt Gary Stewart he is one ugly bastard" All was going to be ok.
Back in wet and Windy Glasgow. The family sat down my Father,Mother and my two brothers. My dad put my brothers in the picture and warned them that they had better look out for me incase anyone gave me any hassle over the Gary Incident. My oldest Brother John told me that Gary had been warned if he even looked in my direction again he would be going to Hospital.
Over the next couple of days things were a bit strained. I text a few of my mates to test the water 2 of the 5 I text replied 3 ignored me the two who replied were sound both wanted to know if it was true that I am Gay.
I text back that I think that I am Bi. Scot replied " Fucking cool with me bud". Danny replied " Ed I don’t care who your shagging as long as it is not me Ha Ha Gary Stewart swears it was not him who wrote that shite outside your house if you want tae go out for a drink gies a shout but no fuckin gay bars Ha Ha love yea mate”
I went back to work on the Monday and carried on with life of course I lost some mates but very few. And they were not really long time mates .Believe it or not within 2 weeks I met Gary I was dreading this but it was fine infact hr apologized for the way he handled things but swore that it was not him who wrote outside our house .We are mates again we will never be as close as we were but at least we are on talking terms and have been in company together a few times since. Of course I did not get off scot free as they say. I get the odd sly comment about being a poof but mostly in a joking manner. I am happier now than I was for years. I still claim to most outside my family and really close friends that I am Bi but I am sure everyone accepts that I am Gay and through time I will come clean when I have to
