Getting over a Long Overdue Past "Crush"

[Zildjian]

Believe it or not, in my latter years in high school (now 5-6 years ago), I had the most intense crush on a female soccer player. She was a smaller girl (5'4" with an athletic build), but very beautiful. I came to know her as she was in high school band with me, and was friends with my sister.

During my junior year in high school, I developed a crush on her about mid-year, and we begin to write 'love letters' to each other. We hardely actually exchanged words in person. I was extremely shy, unaware of my sexuality, but I was head over heels for this girl. I never felt that I was in her league, as I was a bit of a nerdy, quiet guy that almost everyone ignored.

As my tenure in high school came to a close, so did our secretive 'relationship', although I do miss seeing her.

(Fast Forward 5-6 years)​

I don't why, but the memory of her keeps inudating me constantly everyday for some reason. It's as though I can't forget about her. I do regret not taking things to a more serious level, but that's the past.

How can I forget about this person and move on with my life? How can rid myself of this 'headche'? It's really bothering me.

 

[swerve]

Z -- I HONESTLY don't think you SHOULD forget about your history...

Nor do I think you should play the "woulda coulda shoulda" game...

We ALL do things that when "looking back" we would have done differently...

BUT...

THAT is what MAKES US who we are...

Be tremendously GRATEFUL that she was part of your life -- and carry those cherished memories as you move forward...

DON'T OBSESS...

jmo...

 

[Zildjian]

Z -- I HONESTLY don't think you SHOULD forget about your history...

Nor do I think you should play the "woulda coulda shoulda" game...

We ALL do things that when "looking back" we would have done differently...

BUT...

THAT is what MAKES US who we are...

Be tremendously GRATEFUL that she was part of your life -- and carry those cherished memories as you move forward...

DON'T OBSESS...

jmo...

Thanks for reply.

I definitely am appreciative to have at least known her, but the constant thought of her is interrupting my personal and professional life. I liken it to a 'demon' that just won't go away. I understand that part of my life is over and I can't do anything to change it, but I shouldn't have to be reminded of it daily. Heck, I'm sure that she's dated great guys while she's (still) in college, and remembers nothing of me. Why do I have to suffer the short end of the stick?

Guys, are there no self-help strategies that could help me? Any material by Tony Robbins perhaps? (lol).

I really need this to be resolved ASAP.

 

[123kid]

Have you thought about contacting her? And would that help you resolve feelings for her?

 

[Zildjian]

Have you thought about contacting her? And would that help you resolve feelings for her?

Yes. I know she has Facebook and Myspace pages, but I really don't want to bother her with issues from the past. I really don't. I think she would appreciate being left alone.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think she would appreciate being left alone.

If she has Facebook, she's not exactly saying, "I vant to be alone".

You're not giving her a choice. Stop obsessing. Send her a note to say, "Hello" and let her decide whether she wants you to leave her alone.

 

[Zildjian]

If she has Facebook, she's not exactly saying, "I vant to be alone".

You're not giving her a choice. Stop obsessing. Send her a note to say, "Hello" and let her decide whether she wants you to leave her alone.

Well, when I said that she probably wants to be left alone, I meant it in the context of her not wanting me to contact her. She probably has no desire to even talk to me. I don't even want to talk to her - there's nothing to discuss.

I JUST WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HER!​

 

[hanshansen]

Well, when I said that she probably wants to be left alone, I meant it in the context of her not wanting me to contact her. She probably has no desire to even talk to me. I don't even want to talk to her - there's nothing to discuss.

I JUST WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HER!​

Nothing you wrote so far suggests that she wouldn't want you to contact her. It sounds like you just drifted apart after high school.

There is nothing to stop you from requesting her to be your facebook friend and dropping a short friendly note saying how you are doing and asking her how she has been doing. People do it all the time. This is how some people end up with 250 facebook friends.

That's what you would be able to 'discuss' - life since high school. Possibly life at high school. Possibly she might remember and bring up the love notes.

But, if I were you I would contact her after I've got over the crush. She isn't going to be able (or probably willing) to help you through that. And given the passage of time it's unlikely that you are going to hook up with her even if you do contact her.

As I've said elsewhere, the way you get over unfulfillable crushes is to keep putting yourself in situations where you're likely to develop feelings for someone else, who is more likely to feel something back. You have feelings, they want an outlet. You don't want to be stuck with the alternatives: 'channel my feelings into an unrealistic fantasy' or 'kill my feelings and become an emotionally dead person'.

I've tried both alternatives. It's not good.

 

[hanshansen]

At the same time, it helps to talk through this stuff. You want to get it out of your system, you want to understand your feelings and what exactly it is you can't move away from.

Sometimes I use the JUB for that - I feel I can dump pretty much anything on here with few consequences. I go to a gay support group where I feel I can talk about issues related to my sexuality. When I was going through a difficult period trying to get over someone recently I went to see a therapist a couple of times.

The best situation you can end up in is to have a few friends who you can rely on for a listening ear and support. That isn't easy to achieve - it took me about a year (I was totally in my shell before then) and I'm still working on those relationships. You can't just hand people all your baggage at once. It's a slow process where you reveal a little more of your issues (not too much), they help you, they reveal a little more of their issues, you help them.

I'm thinking back over crushes that I've 'got over' and in each case it's been a transformative process - the reason I no longer have the crush is that I no longer feel like the same person I was when I had the crush. My priorities have changed (I like someone else now) or my understanding of myself and the situation has changed (I realise that I was looking for X and either this person couldn't provide that, or I was ignoring a whole lot of other things that I would have had to accept from that person). It's not like I've forgotten the person or the feelings, but I'm no longer 'in' those feelings in relation to that person.

I hope this helps a little.