Getting Over Straight Friend

[livingforhim]

Hey Guys

So I have a problem. I have just finished College, anyway I know I am gay but I am not out of the closet yet. Over my College years I became best mates with this guy, we had a strong bond and shared our struggles and everything with each other and overtime I guess I fell in love with him, without even realising. I came to depend on him and my attachment style for him grew.

I suffer depression and a lot of other mental insecurities and he was one of the few people who knew and is one of the few to continue supporting me. Anyway during our time at College we got into fights sometimes and had a few real rough patches because my expectations of him were quite high and I used to get annoyed and let down. I never understood why until recently. He just got engaged last year to an awesome girl who I am good friends with too.

Anyway, he asked me one day if I loved him, he kind of knew I had struggled with my sexual identity but this was different he was asking me if I was in love with him and saw the friendship as romantic. It really blew me away and was hard to see it like that but I guess I had been and thats what has caused issues and our problems because I always wanted to hear from him and see him where as his love was for his future wife and his love for me was in a mate ship way.

He is concerned for our friendship because it means a lot to us and so am I, I fear if I can't let go of my love for him, we are going to be constantly in turmoil and disagreements and I will always be hurting because my high expectations of him will never be met. Can I just clarify we are best mates, I am one of his groomsmen in his wedding.

So I am unsure of what to do or how to go about this. How do I try and let go of my romantic love for him without ending the friendship? How do I let go? I just don't know what to do..

 

[TX-Beau]

OK where to start. "living for him," is totally unhealthy. Healthy relationships happen when both people are getting what they need out of it. You have an obsession, you can call it love, but really it's not. Plus it sounds that your expectations weren't "high," but unreasonable. It is unreasonable for you to expect a straight guy to give you the same priority he would a wife. you cannot fill that roll in his life.

Buck up - we've ALL done this to one degree or another. You just need to put this in proper perspective.

Single guys are fun to play with, but single straight guys will always put the girl over you. With gay men, it's the other way around.

How about with some trends about closeted guys. Sort of go general to specific.

Closeted guys have a high propensity to fall in love with their straight friends. There are a couple of reasons for this.

1. Proximity. If you don’t socialize with gay men as an available gay man, your chances for unrequited love are quite high.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy one.

2. There’s no need to deal with your closet and go look for a guy who’ll want you back. After all, what would be the point, you’re in love with him.

You are never going to find the relationship you want from behind the closet door. Even if you manage to find a guy – and a whole lot of gay men will not date guys in the closet, being in the closet will put huge amounts of pressure on your relationship, and these relationships, unless the closeted guy comes out, almost always fail.

Your straight guy doesn’t put any of that pressure on you. It’s easy to love him, and ignore your own needs which will of necessity push you to losing control of your secret. That’s stress you may not be ready for.

3. It’s completely without risk. Especially with an understanding straight guy. You know he’s never going to be with you, you know you aren’t ever going to get anywhere, you know this will never threaten your closet. You get a focus for your feelings without the need to wander into deep water.

The closet is a very very lonely place as I’m sure you know. Fear is the driving force that keeps us there. It also keeps us from going out and finding healthy relationships to pursue. What you have is not healthy – as I’m sure you also know.


So how do you get over him? Time and distance, and working on yourself to the point where you are able to at least put yourself in a position to meet men who’ll want what you do. Nobody will want you if nobody knows you are available, we’ve all been there, and know how terrifying it is to contemplate being out, but trust me on this, when you’re with a guy who wants you as much as you want him – it’s so fucking much better, and you’ll wonder why you spent so much wasted time on nothing.

You’re probably about to get the distance. I’ve never know newlyweds who didn’t play house to the exclusion of all else for a while. You need to see that as a healthy thing. The more you are around him, until you have your feelings under control, the longer it’s going to take you to put them in proper perspective.

Go to the wedding and wish them both well, then walk away and work on you. How? Well start with why you are in the closet? Why? You don’t have to answer that in here, but think about it.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and may I suggest that depression and mental anxiety are extremely likely to be the fault of the closet you're living in.

My personality changed completely after I came out. I was no longer angry asshole punishing the world.

 

[Rolyo85]

What TX said. Both posts.

 

[KaraBulut]

He is concerned for our friendship because it means a lot to us and so am I, I fear if I can't let go of my love for him, we are going to be constantly in turmoil and disagreements and I will always be hurting because my high expectations of him will never be met. Can I just clarify we are best mates, I am one of his groomsmen in his wedding.

So I am unsure of what to do or how to go about this. How do I try and let go of my romantic love for him without ending the friendship? How do I let go? I just don't know what to do..

There are lots of ways to love another guy. You can love him like a brother. You can love him like a lover. You can love him like a best friend.

The reality is that of these 3 choices, only 1 is an acceptable option. He's not your brother and he's someone else's lover.

If you want to be his best friend, you will move on. You will find someone who can return your love in a romantic way. You will start being honest that you're gay.

As long as you hold on to this fantasy that is not going to be, you won't be able to move on with the rest of your life and be a part of your friend's life.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I'm glad you posted and I'm also glad that you are acknowledging your emotional pain. While it hurts, pain, whether physical or emotional, let's us know something is wrong. That's our cue to get treatment.

So, how to get better? If you were able to "snap out of it" you would have already done so. Your depression needs attention and if it is already being treated your treatment ought to be reevaluated because, it seems to me you have used your friendship to sooth yourself with backfiring results.

What has probably happened is that your friend's soon to be wife noticed your feelings before your friend did and asked him the question before he asked you. Don't make the common mistake that guys in your situation make and let jealousy make her your target. That would be a no-win for you automatically.

Here are the steps that I'd recommend.

1. Admit the bind that you're in and the consequences of not being willing or able to change.

2. Get help for your depression. If you're already being treated return to your provider to tweak the treatment.

3. Admit your feelings to another trusted person (not him or her) in person. Utilize a therapist, if need be.

4. Expand your circle or begin developing one to provide a distraction.

5. Be willing to completing let go of him if the alternative compromises your mental health.

6. Assess your fears with regard to coming out and, again, find someone to come out to even if it's a therapist.

The "him" you are living for is the him you see in the mirror. Best wishes to you. Be gentle, yet firm with yourself.

 

[livingforhim]

Thanks Guys!
Anymore advice?