Getting past the guilt.

[Brian Greene]

I've poked around on the site before but never registered. I figured today was a good day to join.

Over the last two weeks I've started to come to terms and see that I am gay. It has been up and down since then but I am starting to feel ok with myself - it hit me harder than i thought it would.

Anyway, I eventually want to come out - I almost want to now so I can have somebody to talk to but I don't feel ready (yeah, I read the sticky).

My parents have always been supportive but I can't help but feel like I'd be letting them down? Like I've said, I've been doing ok but every once in a while I feel guilty about being gay.

Did you guys wait till this phase passed or what? This is a phase, right?



- BG
(not actually but I do enjoy string theory (makes more sense than this does, lol)

 

[rareboy]

Do not feel guilty about being gay. Any more than being tall. Or blond. or their son.

You are this way because this is the way you were wired from conception.

It is up to you to make something great out of it and to live a full and rich and loving life.

Do this and the only thing your parents will feel is pride.

 

[Lube]

My parents have always been supportive

Then you have little to worry about.

You sound like you're inventing reasons not to come out. Just do it. At least to your parents.

For all the reasons rareboy mentioned.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome and congratulations on accepting your awareness.

As humans we have feelings and the come and go. My belief is that we have little control of them, but we do have control of what we do with them. You are feeling guilt because of heterosexism, which becomes internalized.

Things will get better insofar as you will become more convinced that you now have the opportunity to be your authentic self.

Coming out is a process with an overall positive result. Take it at your own pace.

Friends are good support for the process.

Good luck to you. Feel free to pm.

 

[Brian Greene]

Do not feel guilty about being gay. Any more than being tall. Or blond. or their son.

I feel like this about 75% of the time. I get that I am gay, and I get that there wasn't really a choice. I tried to not be gay and that didn't really work out, haha. I'm either ok with being gay (not really excited or anything) or down on myself for it. There isn't a counter balance for the sad times yet.

This has been slowly tapering down over the last 2 weeks though, which is nice. Less rollercoaster-ish. I feel like when I come out to my parents though, I don't want to feel guilty because I shouldn't be - and I feel that it could give them doubt or uncertainty about my coming out. I'm gay, lol. Sometimes I just don't feel great about it.

I figure I'll continue to mellow out over the next few weeks. I'm on holiday right now and have some time to myself. I've been doing some 'soul searching,' with positive results so far.

I came to avrealization the other day about gay men. Gay men are just gay. I used to hate flamers, because I thought they were just tools who tried to be special or different. Yeah, some flamers can be a little over the top (lol), but I have a new found respect for them. They don't hide who they are at all - that is truly amazing. I know girls like that too (straight flamers?) - a bit rambunctious and over the top? Dudes who like dudes come in all shapes sizes and colors.

Today is a good day.

How do you guys handle the whole work situation? I figure that when I come out to my close friends and family it will more or less stop there. I feel like I need to tell them, but other people I just don't care if they know. I have a friend at work and I feel like she rocked it the other day. She said, 'my gf and i did ...' just randomly in conversation. I didn't know she was gay (officially), picked up on the subtle hint and that was it - nobody thought twice about it and everyone still loves her. I just felt that was inspiring. She isn't going around screaming it at the top of her lungs to everyone trying to come out - she is who she is and knows it. I love it. One of these days I am going to tell her how awesome it was for me to hear that and how much it helped seeing somebody just be who they are.

 

[TX-Beau]

It takes some huge, hairy, cojones to be a Drag Queen.

You're going to be coming out in one form or another all your life. But, you know, it gets really easy after awhile. I'm a proponent of immediate disclosure. It's frankly tedious having to deal with all the is he/isn't he bullshit that can spring up in a new environment.

Remember, coming out is a process, it takes time, even after everyone knows it's not uncommon for gay men to still have issues with themselves that take a while to work through. If you're new to being out, you're going to have some detritus left in your head from all the things that kept you in the closet.

This is completely normal, and it just takes some time, and some experience with how much better being out feels to wash it away.

When I came out, to a few friends only, I went through about two weeks with not having to play all the games with them anymore, and being free to say what the hell I wanted to, and then I pretty much told anyone and everyone who would listen it felt so damn liberating.

 

[Lube]

Well that's great news, "Brian". It seems like you've only recently accepted you're gay and you're quickly going down the path of being out (as opposed to some guys who refuse to go there).

Your female friend should be an inspiration: that's what generations of JUBbers have been saying. It's not about literally saying "I'm gay" but rather mentioning a date or bf or partner in passing.

No biggie.

And everyone respects you for it. (Well, almost everyone).

Check out the Being out... thread if you haven't already.

 

[Brian Greene]

I checked the thread out and really enjoyed it.

In the next couple of weeks I'm meeting up with my sister and I hope to 'come out to her.' I never would have thought that she would be the first person I want to tell but the strangest things have happened in my life recently. Usually I would cower and try to hide who I am but anymore I can’t help but say, ‘fuck it.’ Just accepting who I am is so liberating it’s beyond words (although I feel like I’m trying pretty hard, haha).

I’ve always distanced myself from my family to a certain extent in fear of showing my true colors (I guess?). I never really felt loved or much of anything but I was so wrong. As soon as I accepted who I was, and learned to actually love myself; I started to see that people around me love me too. Before the ‘acceptance,’ I didn’t feel this way. I don’t think I perceived love correctly because I hated myself every chance I had.

I’ve lived a life filled with social caution and because of this I am and probably will always be a little cautious – but honestly is that such a bad thing? I’m gay. I’m not crazy, nothing special, just a guy who likes guys. I don’t care if people know. I am going to approach this as it feels right (which it does) but I’m not going to be rockin’ the rainbow flag on my bumper or blurting it out to everyone who says something to me. It does feel good though; to finally feel at ease with myself.

Back on topic, I get the feeling she (my sister) knows that I am gay and has my back but I've never told her and we've never talked about it (obviously) - so I cannot be sure until I do. I misinterpreted a lot of other people’s support as a threat or something (weird, I know). I have a really good feeling about coming out to her first.

*Rock on for rainbow stickers if you like them. I’m a car guy and have, and always will hate bumper stickers, haha

Thank you guys for your replies. I used to play in a band and every time before we went on stage I always got this excited anxious feeling knowing that something great was about to happen. I'll keep you guys posted as 'get on stage,' so to speak.

 

[thisisinteresting]

Awesome! It will feel great. My sister was one of the first people I told, too.

 

[Brian Greene]

I already feel great.

I finally feel alive. Like every breath is worth breathing and not just some mundane task – it’s amazing.

I want to tell my sister, and my parents (after the strange events have settled (not having to do with me)). I figure after that, if anyone asks or sees me on a date – who cares. ‘Yeah, I’m on a date. Yeah, he’s hot. Yeah, he’s with me (win!).'

I figure that because I’m ok with it, the people in my life who love me will be to. If not, too bad for them. I figure some of these losses will happen, and some will be very tough.

This is me, my life, it's not that different from yours (straight people or any people). I will probably get better blow jobs.

* I realize I proclaim it's not a big deal and then post relentlessly. I still am riding the buzz of loving myself and life.

 

[Lube]

I finally feel alive. Like every breath is worth breathing and not just some mundane task – it’s amazing.

* I realize I proclaim it's not a big deal and then post relentlessly. I still am riding the buzz of loving myself and life.

That's a great feeling to have! I know I'm still riding the buzz 3+ years after I came out.

You seem to have grown a lot, very quickly. Congrats!

 

[Brian Greene]

It has been a long time coming. This weekend my sister will find out and from there, well, time to live my life

I spent a long time in denial which resulted in me getting down on myself. Over the last two years I’ve drank a lot, and picked up a lot of bad habits, drugs, ect. I never put much thought into why I liked to get fucked up I just did it all the time – I hated my life and wanted to escape. I hated my life because I wasn’t myself because I couldn’t see or accept that I was gay. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve now acquired a palate for good liquors and love a good whiskey or gin and tonic – BUT, the days of drinking myself into a stupor have slowly dwindled leaving me with little desire to do that again.

I look forward to spending some more time on this site – I feel that there is a lot of great information here and you guys are great.

* Lady Gaga sucks! LoL, and so does 4/1/10.

 

[lamiejamie]

Good luck on coming out to your sister!

Another thing... And this might be sort of the opposite of just about EVERYONE... I think you should only "come out" if you want to.

Us gay people make such a big deal about coming out. But there are legitimate reasons that people stay in the closet (i.e., your parents are conservative Baptists, and you live in Texas, lol).

For me, coming out to a few of my close friends was good *enough*... for the time being. I would like to eventually come out to my family, but if it doesn't work out, then who cares really. If I hear my parents make comments like "gay people are going to hell" then why would I want to, really?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this... I DEFINITELY don't want to discourage you on coming out to your sister. All I'm saying is, only come out to your family because you want to, not because it's some "rite of passage" that the gay community is pushing on you and you feel like you have to be out-and-proud and wear a rainbow dress now. It's something that is so personal and different for everyone, and you should feel absolutely in control of it.




.......BTW, does "coming out", as a phrase left alone, mean you being completely open and honest with everyone around you, but when followed by someone's name it means only to them. For example, does "Jimmy came out a year ago" mean Jimmy is completely out to everyone? But "Jimmy came out to Jill" only gives information about jimmy and jill, and who knows about outside that relationship. I'm probably just thinking too hard..... HAR


LOL what the HECK? Well, Lady Gaga DOES rock soooooo.... April Fools?

and i DO know how to spell something! IT'S SOMETHING. something? as in some-thing. This is SOME crazy day. SOOMMMEETHING

 

[Brian Greene]

I want to tell her first because I know it will be a positive experience. My parents, well, when the time comes. There is some other family stuff going on so I'm putting them off till it feels right. I don't feel the urge to proclaim it from the rooftops or anything - but you have to start somewhere.

After I've 'come out,' to my sister the cat is out of the bag in my opinion. It means I am ok with, it's just the way I am, and it's not a huge deal. Still the same person I was before except I finally admitted to myself who I am (as far as sexual preference). I don't really feel like it is much more than that, honestly. Maybe my tune will change as time goes on but that's how I feel.

I'm a hard headed person. It takes a lot to get under my skin and even more to change my mind. You're post is welcome and appreciated.

When I posted there was some lady gaga comment that I couldn't remove from my post. I assume it was an april fools things, haha. It's not there anymore, so, ?. I'm random, but not that random.

 

[Lube]

If I hear my parents make comments like "gay people are going to hell" then why would I want to, really?

To show yourself, them, and the world that you are an independent adult who is proud of who he is, and they can go fuck themselves, as can their church.