Getting to Yes

[Shiva Rea Von]

I've been involved with a bisexual guy and we have a very loving and healthy relationship, including a good friendship. I am a TG who is financially secure. He on the other hand is a struggling artist and lives on the brink of poverty, but for some reason it doesn't seem to bother him. I've tried to help him financially, not because I want to control him, but because I love him and want him to enjoy a better lifestyle. Yet, he refuses to accept any help from me and we've had arguments over it.

He says that he can't commit to a relationship with me until he makes money with his artwork. Not to be disrespectful of his talent, but I don't want to wait around for the next 20 years for him to make it! I have a beautiful home and I want him to live with me now, like a normal couple. However, he prefers to live in his run down studio, despite my offering to rent him a better one in a nicer area.

Is there any way to "get to yes" with him - in a way where he still maintains his independence? I have no problem with supporting both of us, but he seems very unreasonable about it.

Thanks.

 

[swerve]

/// Sorry ///

 

[Shiva Rea Von]

What is a TG???

And...

Are you a guy or a girl???

It means transgender, specifically, I am transexual or what is derogatory termed, shemale. I am MTF.

 

[G-Lexington]

I was, to a degree, in your friend's situation several years back. I gave up a lucrative career to chase my dream. That meant moving to the middle of nowhere, surviving on the "two Big Macs for $2" deal as my daily meal, and working awful hours.

I loved it.

It's not that I relish poverty. But I was, for the first time, living my life. Truly in control. And whereas yes, I would've loved to have a nicer home and decent food, every cheapy Big Mac helped reinforce that I was firmly behind the wheel.

Then I met a guy and fell in love. And he had money.

I worried about that. I worried that, by starting a relationship with him, I would somehow sacrifice my independence. I would no longer be steering my own ship. And I also worried that I wouldn't be his boyfriend - I'd just be this guy's sugar baby.

Luckily, Pubert understood. He didn't try to get me a nicer place. Instead, he took me aboard as a partner. We found a place we could live TOGETHER. Yes, he paid for the majority of the rent and expenses, but I've always contributed what I could.

Perhaps you can do that. Don't offer him "an escape" - he doesn't want that. Perhaps he'd just like a boyfriend, a partner. Perhaps, as luxurious as your home is, it's not HIS. It'd be YOUR home that he'd just be living in. See if he'd be willing to find a new home - not one you'd rent for him, but a HOME, for BOTH of you.

Lex

 

[kallipolis]

Enjoy your friend for who he is rather than for whom you wish him to become, according to your best estimate of whom he should be when in relationship with you.

 

[swerve]

It means transgender, specifically, I am transexual or what is derogatory termed, shemale. I am MTF.

Thanks -- I figured it out -- right after I hit the "post" button...

I couldn't agree MORE with what Lex posted...

As I'm SURE you know -- a LOT of US MEN don't even want to come CLOSE to "kept"...

I suspect it is his pride...

Enjoy his company WITHOUT demanding that he change...

Best of luck to BOTH OF YOU!!!

 

[Shiva Rea Von]

Lex:

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. One of the problems is I'm wealthy, so I can see how it might overshadow his independence. I do like the idea of getting another place together and having him contribute what he can, provided it doesn't entail my giving up my home.

 

[Shiva Rea Von]

Enjoy your friend for who he is rather than for whom you wish him to become, according to your best estimate of whom he should be when in relationship with you.

It sounds like you didn't read my post.

 

[Shiva Rea Von]

Thanks -- I figured it out -- right after I hit the "post" button...

I couldn't agree MORE with what Lex posted...

As I'm SURE you know -- a LOT of US MEN don't even want to come CLOSE to "kept"...

I suspect it is his pride...

Enjoy his company WITHOUT demanding that he change...

Best of luck to BOTH OF YOU!!!

Thanks Gentry

I think when you love someone you want the best for them and I have no problem with sharing what I have. But I do hear what Lex and you are saying.

 

[StlKj]

You love the man he is. Once that changes to suit your terms, no matter how generous and well-intended they may be, that man may no longer exist.

It matters not to the bird that the cage is gold--it's still a cage.

 

[Shiva Rea Von]

Perhaps he feels that being a struggling artist will bring his talent out in a way that living a life of ease won't

I am not asking him to live a life of ease only that we live together like other ppl that are partnered up.

On a side note tho, is it correct to say, "I am a TG." Should it not be, "I am TG." That is in reference to," I am a gay," as compared to, "I am gay."
I can see how one can say "I am a gay man," or "I am a transgendered man" but simply "I am a TG" seems awkward.

Thanks.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I am not asking him to live a life of ease only that we live together like other ppl that are partnered up.

Really?

"I do like the idea of getting another place together and having him contribute what he can, provided it doesn't entail my giving up my home."

You've given three suggestions.

* he moves in with you.
* you get him a new place, and you keep yours.
* you get a new place together...but you keep yours.

In all three, you keep your current home, and he gives up his. His current place may be a crappy studio job, but still, it's HIS home, HIS space, HIS world. You apparently aren't interested in leaving your world, but seem puzzled that he's reluctant to leave his.

This doesn't mean that you have to move into a crappy studio with him. But if you want a future together, you need to face it as a couple. So ask yourself if you'd be willing to move forward, and have both of you go searching to find a place TOGETHER, for BOTH of you. Not a "side place" in addition to your "real home" - your one and ONLY home together.

If you're reluctant to do that, that may give you the answers you're looking for.

Lex

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I would just leave it as it is.

You have made a very clear offer to your BF. He has rejected your offer. You even had arguments over it. I would not go there anymore.

I hate to be a devil's advocate but your BF may love it just as it is. He may love being with you and spending his time with you and sharing his love with you.

Which all does NOT go on to say that he really wants to:

a) leave his own place for good;

b) start living with you on 24/7 basis;

c) accept any generous offer of a paid rent that would possibly endanger his sense of independence.

One more thing: your BF is an admirable guy. He wants to achieve his things in his own way and is not willing to compromise on that. I can think of many dudes, who would be all over you, your money and who would be milking you out mercilessly. Thank Lord every day for giving you this great guy to be your BF.

SC

PS. This being really a Relationship issue is now going to its own Forum...

 

[metta]

Congrats on the relationship. I hope that you two have wonderful life together.

If you two decide to buy another home together, please consider moving in my neighborhood. I have always wanted to have some neighbors that are tg and we could always use more artists. I like to keep the neighborhood as diversified as possible. We have gay neighbors and just about every race you can imagine. I have neighbors that would be so excited. I realize it sounds crazy...and yes, we are a little crazy. When the neighbors found out that one of my neighbors sons was dating a girl that has 2 dads, they screamed out things like: "Yes! Finally, change is happening!

It is located in Los Angeles County. There is one home in my development that is a foreclosure that one of my realtor friends things he can get the bank to accept $699k. It sold for the high 800k's a little over a year ago. It is not an upper class neighborhood. It is more of a upper middle class neighborhood. But the neighbors are great.

Or if you know of any other tg or artists that are looking for a home, please let them know about this place. More gay neighbors would be good as well.

http://mtncove.com/homes/index.html

 

[bluebc]

Whatever his reasons are, you have to respect it. Be content with who he is and your current relationship with him. If you think you can't do that and wait, then you have a decision to make. I think you're pretty lucky to have someone who won't take advantage of your generosity and kindness.