getting together, but NO coming out as "bi"

[novastar]

I'm bi, always have been, but kept the bi side quiet..sort of..only between me and my lovers of the same sex.

"Coming out as bi" sounds like attention-whore bullshit to me. I'm just...ME. I will always be ME.. no matter who I partner up with. Very soon after my divorce, a very close friend of 20 years came to visit me. He told me his feelings which I eagerly reciprocated, and lowered his shorts, revealing his massive 9'' BBC equipped with a cock ring! I immediately, instinctively took got on my knees and took it into my mouth while he made me his bottom. Such an amazing night!

We've been keeping the "us" quiet. Personally, outside his feelings of the matter, I just don't care what others think. All my friends and family have known him nearly twenty years as well. I don't get why us being together would require some "coming out" event. It doesn't change who we are...(and yes we both still like pussy.)

Can anyone here relate? I have no interest in "coming out as bi to family and friends," nor will I. Eventually, I'd just like to introduce the relationship to friends and family and hope I don't get asked inappropriate questions. I really am a very lucky guy. I'm in my late 30's.

I feel I should be able to announce our being together as easily as introducing a new girlfriend. Am I crazy for expecting this?

 

[Seasoned]

By introducing him as a partner you are coming out.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I'm bi, always have been, but kept the bi side quiet..sort of..only between me and my lovers of the same sex.

"Coming out as bi" sounds like attention-whore bullshit to me. I'm just...ME. I will always be ME.. no matter who I partner up with. Very soon after my divorce, a very close friend of 20 years came to visit me. He told me his feelings which I eagerly reciprocated, and lowered his shorts, revealing his massive 9'' BBC equipped with a cock ring! I immediately, instinctively took got on my knees and took it into my mouth while he made me his bottom. Such an amazing night!

We've been keeping the "us" quiet. Personally, outside his feelings of the matter, I just don't care what others think. All my friends and family have known him nearly twenty years as well. I don't get why us being together would require some "coming out" event. It doesn't change who we are...(and yes we both still like pussy.)

Can anyone here relate? I have no interest in "coming out as bi to family and friends," nor will I. Eventually, I'd just like to introduce the relationship to friends and family and hope I don't get asked inappropriate questions. I really am a very lucky guy. I'm in my late 30's.

I feel I should be able to announce our being together as easily as introducing a new girlfriend. Am I crazy for expecting this?

Agree with Seasoned. If you introduce a partner of the same sex, you are in fact coming out.

I think there is a another question you should understand. Is the moment you want to be coming out to your family, the same moment you want to be introducing someone they know as your partner? We don't know your situation, but you are essentially subjecting someone you love to a wide range of possible reactions from your family. Those aren't the best circumstances to be meeting someone's parents.

Additionally, your sexuality is about YOU. Revealing it to family and friends is about YOUR relationship with THEM. If you were single, you'd still be Bi. It's not attention-whoring, its giving you an opportunity to lay down your cards about who you are and them having the opportunity to react. It's a conversation, not some performance.

 

[novastar]

Maybe I used the wrong words. What I meant was I'm not planning some "coming out party." All my family and friends know the man. We're just a little more than "friends" now!

 

[SeaCore]

So I don't see anything particularly wrong with you not wanting to have some direct, planned, moment of explaining your sexuality to people. It doesn't really concern them at the end of the end day.

But I would focus on how

"Coming out as bi" sounds like attention-whore bullshit to me.

Because that seems like an unnecessarily negative attitude to hold towards other people who are bi that do come out. It's assumptive to think that their reason has to be attention seeking. (And to be completely honest, even if it were attention-seeking what is so wrong with that?) As Checkinthingsout mentioned it could be a person's way of avoiding exposing their partner to an awkward situation by letting family and friends resolve the awkwardness ahead of time.

And for some people it is simply a need for them to reveal their sexuality to the people that are most important in their life to put an end to preconceived notions they've been imposing on them; not knowing if they'll still be accepted afterwards. And sure, I totally agree with you that it shouldn't make a difference. They're the same person either way. But the truth is we know that's not always the case.


I think it's great that you are fully comfortable with your sexuality and see it as being a matter that only concerns you and your partners! There's nothing wrong with that. But I think you should consider the baggage you're putting onto people who don't share that attitude and if it's doing yourself any good.

 

[novastar]

So I don't see anything particularly wrong with you not wanting to have some direct, planned, moment of explaining your sexuality to people. It doesn't really concern them at the end of the end day.

But I would focus on how

Because that seems like an unnecessarily negative attitude to hold towards other people who are bi that do come out. It's assumptive to think that their reason has to be attention seeking. (And to be completely honest, even if it were attention-seeking what is so wrong with that?) As Checkinthingsout mentioned it could be a person's way of avoiding exposing their partner to an awkward situation by letting family and friends resolve the awkwardness ahead of time.

And for some people it is simply a need for them to reveal their sexuality to the people that are most important in their life to put an end to preconceived notions they've been imposing on them; not knowing if they'll still be accepted afterwards. And sure, I totally agree with you that it shouldn't make a difference. They're the same person either way. But the truth is we know that's not always the case.


I think it's great that you are fully comfortable with your sexuality and see it as being a matter that only concerns you and your partners! There's nothing wrong with that. But I think you should consider the baggage you're putting onto people who don't share that attitude and if it's doing yourself any good.

Didn't mean to sound offensive. Sorry. I've never really thought I'd ever be in this position though. My attitude is I'd like to introduce an old old friend as my now "partner..." not a "hey mom and dad I love it in the ass." Get what I mean? I love girls too, but after the divorce....ugh.

 

[KaraBulut]

Didn't mean to sound offensive. Sorry. I've never really thought I'd ever be in this position though. My attitude is I'd like to introduce an old old friend as my now "partner..." not a "hey mom and dad I love it in the ass." Get what I mean? I love girls too, but after the divorce....ugh.

There's two different things here- you dating guys and you dating this guy.

It would be unfair to the guy to combine a "coming out" into a single event.

If you have sympathetic, open-minded relatives and friends, start there with, "I'm dating a guy". If they ask, "Are you gay?", answer honestly about what you're feeling. If you don't want to put a tag or label on it, you don't have to.

Once everything settles from that, you can introduce them to the specific guy that you're dating.

"hey mom and dad I love it in the ass."

Gay and bi people are entitled to equality. That equality includes privacy about our sex lives. If you don't ask your friends and family about their sex lives, you're entitled to the same courtesy.

While it's true that there's a lot of misconceptions about what LGBT people do in bed, it's never your responsibility to educate the uninformed. Tell them it's none of their business if you don't want to answer details about what you're doing and with whom.

 

[novastar]

There's two different things here- you dating guys and you dating this guy.

It would be unfair to the guy to combine a "coming out" into a single event.

If you have sympathetic, open-minded relatives and friends, start there with, "I'm dating a guy". If they ask, "Are you gay?", answer honestly about what you're feeling. If you don't want to put a tag or label on it, you don't have to.

Once everything settles from that, you can introduce them to the specific guy that you're dating.



Gay and bi people are entitled to equality. That equality includes privacy about our sex lives. If you don't ask your friends and family about their sex lives, you're entitled to the same courtesy.

While it's true that there's a lot of misconceptions about what LGBT people do in bed, it's never your responsibility to educate the uninformed. Tell them it's none of their business if you don't want to answer details about what you're doing and with whom.

Thank you, Karabulut. I agree about how it would be "unfair to him." This is new territory for me. I'm not at all interested in attention, I just figure when the day comes I we announce our togetherness, questions will get asked. Only my two closest friends know about "us." I despise the "labels." (gay, straight, lesbian, bi) I believe sexuality is fluid. We are all just "people" and capable of loving/hating/being sexual with anyone we like. The guy I am with is a friend of nearly 20 years who the family knows well. Almost immediately after my divorce, he made a move on me, a move that was eagerly accepted. I don't get what the big deal is really. "I'm seeing XX as my partner now so what if we're both guys?"

Privacy? I agree with what you're saying...however with he and I, there wouldn't be much left to the imagination. I must admit there is a part of me that LIKES that...I don't know what to call it, but there actually is a part of me who is proud of, and gets off on the idea of others knowing a big, tall, strong, sexy, black man has made me his little gurl. (at least in the bedroom) It's cool, I enjoy being his little gurl

 

[sixthson]

You see each other as friends with benefits who plan to keep it private. When the people you know begin to ask questions or you hear that they are talking behind your backs, and they will, you have to decide whether to live a secret life and deny you are anything more than friends or be honest and own up to it. What do you do if one of you meets a woman? Do you keep it from her? Do you stop the friends with benefits things? It sounds like you are enjoying what you have now too much to ever give it up. The problem with secrets is that they rarely remain secrets or they damage the relationship.

For those of us who are gay and who don't mind that label and have chosen to be honest about who we are, it's not easy for us to understand why anyone would want to live the way you describe.

Hopefully, if the time comes and the relationship evolves into something more than what it is now, you will change your mind about never coming out. And of course, ultimately, you can live your life anyway you want.

 

[novastar]

You see each other as friends with benefits who plan to keep it private. When the people you know begin to ask questions or you hear that they are talking behind your backs, and they will, you have to decide whether to live a secret life and deny you are anything more than friends or be honest and own up to it. What do you do if one of you meets a woman? Do you keep it from her? Do you stop the friends with benefits things? It sounds like you are enjoying what you have now too much to ever give it up. The problem with secrets is that they rarely remain secrets or they damage the relationship.

For those of us who are gay and who don't mind that label and have chosen to be honest about who we are, it's not easy for us to understand why anyone would want to live the way you describe.

Hopefully, if the time comes and the relationship evolves into something more than what it is now, you will change your mind about never coming out. And of course, ultimately, you can live your life anyway you want.

Well....it's MORE than friends with benefits. I've told my two closest friends about it. Neither were "surprised." We both also like pussy, too. I don't consider pussy "cheating." ANother white boy would be though. We have no intention of giving this up. We've been friends 20 years. I am new to same sex relationships...I've played with men but have only been romantically involved with women. I'm just....ME....what does it matter who I snuggle up with?

 

[SeaCore]

I'm just....ME....what does it matter who I snuggle up with?

It's... Complicated. It matters not at all and it matters a good bit at the same time.

Your sex life really doesn't matter to anyone but the people you're sexually involved with. And I guess your doctor. Your sex life may as well be non-existent to other people because they'll likely never interact with it at all.

But the truth of the matter is, homosexuality hasn't been accepted until recently. And there is social baggage that comes with it. It 'means' something to be gay or to be bi. You're an 'other.' Narratives from people who aren't gay or bi get to proliferate and inform people what being like that is; and they're wrong. The stereotypes tint the understanding people have of gay and bi people. And the unfortunate truth is that by being out you counter that narrative; and for a lot of people who are gay, who are bi, that don't fit the stereotype that's been prepared for them, people that are out make it easier for them understand and accept themselves.

It also means something in another sense. We're a social species. Our greatest strength lies in our connections and our ability to rely on others. Lots of people end up meeting their significant others through friends and it kind of matters if you're interested in one sex, the other sex, both sexes, or none of the sexes at all. Otherwise you might be connecting people who just aren't compatible.
The labels of straight, gay, bi, and asexual probably need to exist.

Granted, I think we need a healthier culture around those labels. One where we recognize the limitations of those labels. One where we exclusively use them as tools to communicate to others rather than as tools to understand ourselves. I can't tell you how frequently bisexual people think they're gay and end up distressed when their feelings fail to match the label. But the problem wasn't the label. The problem was how it was being used.

Do you think you see what I mean?

 

[novastar]

It's... Complicated. It matters not at all and it matters a good bit at the same time.

Your sex life really doesn't matter to anyone but the people you're sexually involved with. And I guess your doctor. Your sex life may as well be non-existent to other people because they'll likely never interact with it at all.

But the truth of the matter is, homosexuality hasn't been accepted until recently. And there is social baggage that comes with it. It 'means' something to be gay or to be bi. You're an 'other.' Narratives from people who aren't gay or bi get to proliferate and inform people what being like that is; and they're wrong. The stereotypes tint the understanding people have of gay and bi people. And the unfortunate truth is that by being out you counter that narrative; and for a lot of people who are gay, who are bi, that don't fit the stereotype that's been prepared for them, people that are out make it easier for them understand and accept themselves.

It also means something in another sense. We're a social species. Our greatest strength lies in our connections and our ability to rely on others. Lots of people end up meeting their significant others through friends and it kind of matters if you're interested in one sex, the other sex, both sexes, or none of the sexes at all. Otherwise you might be connecting people who just aren't compatible.
The labels of straight, gay, bi, and asexual probably need to exist.

Granted, I think we need a healthier culture around those labels. One where we recognize the limitations of those labels. One where we exclusively use them as tools to communicate to others rather than as tools to understand ourselves. I can't tell you how frequently bisexual people think they're gay and end up distressed when their feelings fail to match the label. But the problem wasn't the label. The problem was how it was being used.

Do you think you see what I mean?

Yes, I get it. I like men and women and don't care for baggage