Going Back into the Closet

[alan1029smith]

I am 19 years old, and I have yet to tell anyone that I am gay. In recent months, I have been experiencing this extreme urge to come out of the closet. I used to be content with concealing my sexuality, but now, I find life in the closet unbearable. I made a promise to myself that, even if I could not come out outright, I would refrain from lying. In a sign of progress, I have kept that promise. However, there have been some recent developments in my life that indicate a regression.

My dad became a fundamentalist Christian. When I say "fundamentalist", I mean it! He only listens to Christian music, goes to church 2-3 times a week, watches Evangelical programming, and reads his Bible daily. He has even been pressuring me to go see Kirk Cameron's Monumental, a documentary about restoring the United States to its "Christian" roots. What really disturbs me is how his new-found religious beliefs have coincided with a new-found political ideology. He now goes to meetings in which they study a book called "American Patriot's Bible." The name says it all.

I am uncomfortable around him, and I think I can take coming out to him off the table for good. In all honesty, I never wanted to come out to him, so this kind of takes some of the pressure off of me. It's kind of like when a relative passes away, and I am comforted by the fact that they will never have to know that I am gay (Sick, right?).

While I never intended to come out to my dad, I feel as though this has pushed me deeper into the closet than I already was - if that's even possible. I feel, for lack of a better word, "spooked." In spite of my promise to myself, if someone were to ask me if I was gay right now, I would probably say "no." I feel like i have lost what little progress I have made. With my social anxiety disorder, I can't even come out to accepting people, let alone loved ones who possess an extreme Religious Right belief system.

I have always been content with never telling my dad, so this shouldn't really have an effect on me, but it does for some reason. I think this has reminded me to scout out friends who will be more accepting, but I don't have any. I so desperately want to come out, but I don't have anyone to come out to. How can I come out if I don't have any support? I don't know how much longer I can last in this closet. If I somehow slip DEEPER into the closet, I think it would probably kill me inside.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

How do you feel about your religion?

Are you planning to leave home?

 

[Molitor69]

I'm with you buddy. I endured a lot of what you are going through for many many years. It was not until I was 22 years old and out of the house that I could even really address my sexuality. I always tried to fit into the mold that was provided for me, but I never quite felt whole. I kept myself busy and I suggest you do to. Focus on school or whatever else will keep you occupied until you can go out on your own. Seek out friends in you can confide in. It's not easy, but stay positive.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't believe I have welcomed you to JUB. Allow me to do that now. Let me also say that I'm proud of you. You have spelled out exactly where you are at and how important your coming out is to you. You're now in control because you've come to the point where you decide if the pain of the closet is greater than your fear of coming out.

This is not something you have to act on immediately, especially with your father. I chose the word father over dad on purpose because of the chance he won't behave as one. So, for now, depending on your circumstance, I agree that you ought to think hard about coming out to him. I'm putting strong emphasis on "for now." Today's decisions needn't be permanent.

Take stock of your situation regarding financial support and set your sights on your educational development and independence. You are already a legal adult and have legal control of your life. Once finances allow economic control you'll take your place as your father's equal and won't fear pressure or retaliation. Remember that postponement is not the same as capitulation.

Eventually your coming out to him will force him to come to terms with his facile perception of religious beliefs. Coming out is not only for us, but it's for our family and friends and their circles and thus eventally normalizes homosexuality. That's the ripple effect of coming out, which is not your immediate concern or purpose, but, nonetheless, could mean your father will eventally come around.

I agree you need to be careful and protect yourself when you come out to him. Don't beat yourself up if you need to put it off indefinitely. Don't be silent when he pressures you to adopt his religious practices. Let him know you have different beliefs. Address your social anxiety in whatever way you can, therapy, joining a club that promotes one of your hobbies or interests, etc. And remember that the most important person you'll ever come out to is yourself.

Stay in touch here and pm any person here with whom you're comfortable. You're not alone. Best wishes!

 

[Benvolio]

You are very young and at an age when you are not yet entirely free to choose your own life. Don't be un such a big hurry. Wait a few years until you are financially independent. Remember, when you come out, there will be jobs and opportunities not available to you. So don't come out until you have a more secure future.
.
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[csb999]

You have not detailed how financially dependent you are on him . At 19 your relationship with your father should not be the single most important one you have and must become less so . You accept completely that there is one inalienable inalterable quality in you that he would have great difficulty accepting - that might lead to some personal break . Unless you intend to remain single and live with him for the rest of your life he will figure it out sooner or later . Keeping your father happy should not be the basis for your entire life .

 

[Rolyo85]

You've drawn the short straws where parents are concerned, but it's important to remember that this isn't the end of the world.

It would help us give you a better advice if you tell us a bit more about your situation. Are you in college? Do you live at home? Does your father support you financially? Do you work? What type of city/town do you live in? Which part of the country?

I don't think you should come out to your father until you are completely independent, and even then I'd go more with a "fuck him" attitude. It's vital to remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you have not failed him in any way. He has failed you by not providing you with an environment that makes you feel safe.

It seems ugly now, but in a few years time, you'll be in a completely different place in your life, surrounded by people who know the real you and love you for exactly who you are. It's amazing, I promise you

Feel free to message me at any time.

 

[palbert]

Welcome to JUB. We are here to help in any way.

You gave great emphasis to religious and political changes that have taken place. In that situation I would strive to stay current with discussions in the "Current Events" Forum and in the "Religion and Spirituality Forum." Many of the issues he will be raising will likely already have been dealt with there.

Good luck.

 

[youfiad]

If your dad is all of the thing that he says he is, he couldn't possibly hate you for being gay any more than he can hate somebody for being fat... He need to be reminded, as a Christian, that Jesus didn't spread hate, and if he can find one passage in the New Testament where Jesus said he hated anybody or told Christians to hate others, then he can go ahea and hate. But he won't. Even Christians such as Kurt Cameron and Ray Comfort have made documentaries on how we must love homosexuals as children of God, but not love the act itself. I could for sure look for that clip for you if you need.

I am not a Christian, by the slightest meaning of the word. But, I am pretty knowlegable on homosexuality and religion if you need my help. I am a science student who can give you insight on scientic reasonings for homosexuality and I am part of a secular organization that aims to combat religious USA.

 

[benno5693]

Alan, just remember that we and every other gay guy out there loves you for being so strong and true to yourself and very diligent about your environment!

It's hard, especially when religion is involved, but setting up a safety barrier for if you were to be kicked out of home for example is a must before doing the deed.

 

[alan1029smith]

Wow. Thanks a lot guys! Every time I post on these forums, I am always surprised by how kind and encouraging the responses are!

Let me clarify my situation a bit. I am a sophomore at UCLA. I live in the residence halls, but I go home 1-3 times a quarter and during the summer. My dad is paying for my school, but it's coming mostly out of my family's inheritance, so it's just as much mine as it is his. That being said, I am not worried one bit about him pulling the rug up from under me. Up until my mom suddenly left, my dad was not like this at all. I'm pretty sure this is all a phase. My dad looks up to me so much that I could probably just ask him to stop all this and he would. However, I don't want to sound unsupportive, since he is obviously going through some difficult times and this is his way of keeping himself busy/out of trouble. As someone with social anxiety problems, I am more worried about the awkwardness of coming out than about the logistics of finding a place to stay, paying for school, etc. For me, awkward situations are excruciatingly painful. I know many of you may not relate, but please understand that I am trying my best.

I don't want to let my dad deter me from coming out. Is it possible to still come out at school while remaining in the closet at home? Unfortunately, my anxiety problems make it very difficult to make friends, let alone disclose my sexual preferences to them. How can I come out if I don't have anyone to come out to? Mentally, I am ready to come out. It's just when I try to convert it into action that I hit a snag. Some of you guys seem to be telling me that there is no rush to come out. I've wanted to come out for a long time, but I just can't bring myself to do it. How long after you made the determination to come out did you actually do it?

On a related note, if this does not turn out to be a phase, should I arrange to live on campus or in an apartment as a Junior? As it stands, I am moving back home next year, which I am now deeply regretting .

 

[benno5693]

Being out at school and not at home is something that I had to deal with for only a few weeks before I finished high school last year, so there's minimum experience for me to reflect on, but I think it really comes down to how involved with the school and the people your dad is - if you're confident he won't find out through someone blabbing or what not, it might not hurt to have a few peers or teachers there to support you. We don't have any of these groups here in Australia, but is there any kind of LGBT group or a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) at UCLA?

RE moving home next year, there's a long time in between so who knows what will happen. Heck, isn't the world ending sometime in there? lol Again, having people you trust around you who know you're gay and can support you makes everything that much better! Trust me! lol IMO it's too early to tell what is the best decision (your dad mightn't be phased by it for all we know), but see what happens in the meantime and go from there - is there some kind of cut-off date to move on campus?

Best of luck with everything, and as always we all <3 you!

 

[HunterM]

Yes, you can come out in school first and come out to your family later. I came out to my close friends first then to my family. Join your university's LGBT group for advice and support. Participate in their activities. You may even make friends there.

It's easier to make friends by being an active member of a club. You show up for their organized activities and see the same group of people. Friendship would eventually start. You should also join other clubs (aligned with you hobbies/interests) in your school to overcome your social anxiety. Practice makes perfect.

If you can afford to live on campus next year, do it. You need your independence to sort things out for yourself. Be comfortable and know who you are. That will give you the confidence to come out to your family later on.

 

[rareboy]

Come out at school.

Tell whoever needs to know.

I never told anyone by the way. I just talked bout my bf, or my partner, my parents never needed an announcement.

I was lucky maybe, but all I found I ever had to do was to be 'normal' about it and everyone just took it on board.