Going nowhere

[linctus]

Morjensta poijjaat! (and in english Hi guys!)

This is my first post, so be gentle. I've been trying to post this a few times already, but maybe now I can finally do it.

First something about myself. I'm a 28 year old Finn and I'm gay ( surprise, surprise ). I've never had any problems with it myself and I've known it as long as I can remember. I'm very shy, quiet, pessimistic, melancholic, asocial... the list goes on. I don't find many positive things about me. I never have had many friends. I was bullied in (upper grades of) comprehensive school and nobody really wanted to do anything with "a fucking faggot". So I decided that if nobody needs me then I don't need anybody. I can say that I haven't had friends since, just some acquaintances here and there, but nothing long-lasting. I became more shut down and stopped caring about myself. I'm ugly, fat and not in a good physical condition. I wouldn't fuck myself. I don't know how to talk to people, it's really hard. I know that nobody's going to come and get me from home, but I don't see myself going anywhere by myself. I'd need a good kick in the ass.

I enjoy being alone, watching tv, movies (horror and sci-fi), listening music (industrial and metal), surfing on the net... something you can do by yourself. Don't have hobbies, I'm not interested in anything. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I stay home in my spare time, but I'm not lonely.

I've never had a boyfriend, sex, kissed or even held someones hand in mine. I don't even dream of having a boyfriend and couldn't have a relationship right now. Even if the hottest and sweetest guy would want to be with me, I'd say no. Maybe someday I feel different... I don't know.

I'm not out and it's not because I would be ashamed being gay, but I think it's nobody's business. My parents or my brother don't ask me about personal stuff. I think I have a normal relationship with them even though we don't speak much. Like a said before, I'm not comfortable speaking about my feelings or about myself. Maybe they know? Doesn't matter. And if they wouldn't accept me, it'd be very easy to say fuck off and never talk to them again. Do I sound like an asshole by thinking that?

I'm alive, but not living.

Hope it doesn't seem like I whine about everything. I have a home, a nice job where I'm appreciated, have enough money to take care of myself. For most of the time these things don't bother me, but sometimes I regret the choises I've made. Don't we all?

Is it wrong if you live alone and in the closet for the rest of your life? I doesn't sound bad to me, but not good either.

Sorry if my english is bad. But now I gotta go to get some sleep... Hyvää yötä!

- Petri

 

[GL]

I've been where you are right now. It's your choice as to whether or not you want to come out, but I can tell you that after years of hating myself and feeling guilty for the things I did I finally just admitted who and what I am.

And I came out.

It's weird but once I did that I didn't worry as much as I used to. I've begun to take more pride in myself and my appearance, I've become more outgoing and I've even lost a good deal of weight. There are things that I'm still working on so I tend to see myself as a work in progress but all in all I think I'm doing all right.

Again, it's your choice on whether you wish to come out or not... but I think you'll find more joy in your life if you do. You wouldn't have that friggin' rock weighing you down. Best of luck to you.

 

[Neji]

I'm in a similar situation as well. I have not told any one, came to terms with it about a few months ago.

 

[luminum]

It's all about what you want. Like you said, it's not bad but it's not good.

So what do you think you deserve in life? A life of not-good, or a life of good? Personally, I think people deserve and want their lives to be fulfilling and good, not adequate and blase.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi and welcome to JUB!

Welcome to ragater too--I noticed it was your first post also!

You seem complacent. Not happy, not unhappy--just existing. You're right, though, there is more to life. How you make friends, what you do for fun, hobbies you might want to share--all of those things are very personal and depend, to some extent, on your neighborhood. There's nothing any of us can say or do to motivate you to get off the sofa and out of the house and interact with interesting/like people and get some stimulation and have some fun. That has to come from inside. I would tell you, though, that no matter where you are, there are men like you wanting to meet men like you. It's really the truth. You just need to find a way to connect up. Some do that through going to bars; some by joining reading circles; some by joining sports teams; some by joining clubs around activities of common interest. There are lots of ways to connect with other people.

You mention shyness, being an introvert, and some other things that suggest low self-esteem. Have you tried therapy to work through some things that might be holding you back from interacting with others? You're not alone, and there are some good strategies someone can give you to break out of that shell and start living life.

Good luck, and welcome again. Let us know what you're doing.

 

[linctus]

Thanks for your responses guys. They truly mean a lot to me.

I know it's all up to me. What I want to do. Who I want to be. That is something I have to figure out eventually.

I know that I'm in a better "place" than say a year ago. I've lost about 20 kilos (is that about 40 pounds) off my weight in the last six months. I think I'm more opened up. I did write that post here which I never would have thought doing. There have also been many helpful threads here that I've red and many sweet people sharing their stories and thoughts.

I know it's a long process and I take it day by day. I don't want to set any goals right now cause I don't need any pressure that forces me to do something that maybe I'm not ready for. Just don't expect me to ever be all happy happy joy joy. Eww. That's not what I'm looking for.

Luminum asked what I think I deserve in life. I would have said all the shit i've been getting is what I deserve. I don't think like that anymore. I guess I deserve something good. I know (somewhere in my heart) what would make me happy and it ain't much. But I also know I'm not ready for that.

 

[luminum]

Just take it a step at a time. In general, I believe that all people deserve happiness. Punishing themselves for being bad doesn't really teach them to be good. People usually reciprocate good deeds when they themselves are truly happy and fulfilled.

 

[hermanding]

linctus, it's certainly not WRONG, but is that what you really want? from my experience, being kissed is what of the GREATEST things that can happen to anyone - especially when you kiss back
ding

 

[Riverrick]

Your post is very moving linctus. I can feel your depair and emptiness, your aloneness if not loneliness. I really don't know what the answer is, perhaps its coming out or perhaps its still not the right time for you.

I am encouraged that you are making positive changes in your life and I think posting here is certainly one of them. At least you reached out to us and now we know you exist. Stick around so we can continue to get to know you.

 

[drhladnjak]

I think this will be in a few years... Im not sure if Im upset about that or not. Being alone and free seems better than being pressured to conform.

Why settle for just those two choices? It's possible to be free, not alone and not strictly conform. It just requires some effort to find the right group(s) of people.

 

[Nice Boy]

Hi, Linctus! Well, first, I´d like to write that I support you in everything what you do. As a reaction to your previous messages, well, there are people who are somehow "naturally" quite "shy" or just they like to be alone and entertaining themselves alone (like by watching TV, listening to music and s.o.) It´s just part of their personality.
On the other hand, however, you seem to having a feeling that you should be more active, like you should find a guy and s.o. I agree with Average guy that it has to come from the inside and I also agree with him on that you could benefit from the therapy which will help you to make some steps further in overcoming a bit your "shyness" (if you like of course). I think it should really help, but as all the psychological therapies, it will take about a year and some money. Moreover, I´m in kind of similar situation like you. In september, I entered the university and at the same time I lost my best friend with whom I got on well for 4 years but then I somehow fell in love with him and it completely destroyed my relationship. Although I still worry about it a lot and now, I´ve got almost no friends (perhaps 1) and I´m quite a "strong" introvert, but e.g. at school I behave as if I were rather an extrovert, which is very rare but somehow I found out that it would be an excellent chance to become more interested in my studies... and I´m pessimistic about making my best friend quickly.
So, if you´re interested in e.g. films, read some informations about actors, directors, ... and become an expert in knowing the films or music "Dive" into something what you´re interested in or try to find some other hobbies... Like e.g. did you notice that you like languages? So, try to attend a course - there are so many of them! But, if you like to study at home, why not. Just open up when you´re prepared and you´ll succeed (I´m sure)! I feel that you´re on the right way.