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Got it bad for someone need some advice

D

deez85

Joined
Jan 1, 2012
Posts
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Location
sacramento
Lets see, I am not sure how to start this. I've only jo and bj with a couple of my friends a few times, never done anal or actually been with a guy. I'm 26 and decided to finally give it a try but not sure how to find someone, not really comfortable with the gay scene since and didn't want to hook up randomly with anybody. I was in a chatroom and met this guy who lives in bout 15mins away, and just thought what the hell and I came over that night and when I got there is when I told him it was my first time. This was back in the middle of Novemeber. We jo and sucked each other, then he fucked me, at first i wasn't sure if i liked it cause it hurt, we fucked for bout 10mins before i couldnt take no more, he loved how tight i was and i could feel his throbbing cock all in my ass. we jack and sucked each other off till we finished each other and we made some small talk then I left. With the small talk he talked about things we liked, music, gym and both funny guys. He is educated and goal oriented too :). I text him a couple days later and asked him to see a movie or something (not knowing what to say exactly), he goes if u just wanna fuck say so. I told him im not sure what im looking for but dont wanna just be a fuck. He told me he was trying to get out of hook up mode and wanted to find someone he can chill with and be close. I came over again that night and we went to eat dinner. Came back to his house and did "it" again. Then we cuddled and watched tv, it felt good to feel that connection with someone. He looks me in my eyes with lust and tells me he never felt this way with another man. We start talking about our relationships and hook ups. He's been with numerous partners @ least 10 i can remember, but theres more. mostly hooking up in bathrooms or at a park with random men, also going to a couple of sex clubs in the bay area. For the first 2 weeks i came over almost everynight and stayed the night we didnt do it everynight but held each other and talked about ourselves. Watched some movies and he made me dinner. We talked about what we want and i told him i really like him and can see myself being with him. He told me the same but doesnt want a bf cause he feels you should be able to be out and not have to hide it. I agree with him to and told him im not looking for a bf but would like more. b/c we both work i started staying the night 3x a week or so. He lets me stay at his house when he leaves to the gym and i clean for him or make breakfast. But recently the last 2 weeks, ive noticed hes been on this website adam4adam while hanging with me. I went home and found him and his profile says how he is looking for someone to make him forget about that website for good. Idk cause he tells me im what he is looking for but still he constantly goes on there. Also while cuddling with him hell get some txt and its from some app he has with naked guys on it. He tells me things like i should go fuck somebody..i bottom but still like to fuck, he's a top but tells me imma fuck him one day ( i take it as a joke). But he also tells me i just like him cause hes my first, how hes been there before, hes 4yrs older than me. I dont think its just cause hes my first i actually like me as a person and attracted to him. I want to know if I should just go hook up with some other guys, to test the waters so to speak. Or tell him i dont want to be with anybody else (how i really feel)? I know he still hooks up with other guys, he brings condoms with him to the gym and not only that i bout a 3pack one time and didnt see him for a 2days we used one and after i came over we were gonna do it but he said we dont have any(i just brushed it off and went to buy some). I dont wanna ruin things by bringing up a relationship but I wanna feel something more than just somebody you can call when your lonely or wanna fuck.
 
Get away from him and stay away.

Reread what you wrote....... #-o
 
He is telling you not to take the relationship seriously. And, he probably has a point when suggesting that some of your feelings are based on the fact that he's your first. The guy sounds like a player who is not interested in a relationship with a worthy person such as yourself. Good luck my friend. You remind me of myself when I was your age.
 
The first part of it sounded really nice, like you had found a boyfriend on your first try. But then you get to the sentence, "But recently the last 2 weeks..." and it goes downhill from there. He doesn't want to be monogamous with you, obviously, since he's hooking up with other guys. So he wants to get from you the comforts of being with a boyfriend, but doesn't want to make the commitment to you.

He may state that he wants to get away from hooking up, but it doesn't matter that he states that if he keeps doing it. He could easily delete his account on adam4adam with a few clicks. I deleted my account there and it took a matter of seconds. He could delete that app on his phone, probably grindr or whatever, that shows him guys nearby. But he doesn't, it's still there, and he is still getting text messages. So it's clear he's not going to stop doing those things, even if he claims that he wants to stop. If what you want with him is a monogamous relationship, you're not going to get that with him.

You need to come to a decision on your own, and it needs to be made independent of him and even independent of us on this forum. The questions to ask yourself are basically: is this relationship working for you? Is it what you want? Is what you are you getting from it worth what you are putting into it? Are your needs being met? If it is the same as it is right now 5 years from now, will you still want it?

It may seem cold, clinical or cynical to analyze a relationship in those terms. Yes, our feelings do influence us a lot and influence our decisions. But it also helps to take an analytical look and detach yourself from the sea of feelings, and just analyze the situation as if you were separated from it and just watching it as an observer and then decide what you would do in that situation. Then of course realize that it's you in that situation and apply your decision to your own thinking. Other people can help you with that sort of detached, abstract analysis of it, since they are not in the situation and are not swamped by the same feelings. So the input from others, your friends and people on this forum, can be valuable input in helping you analyze it. But then of course any decision you make has to be made by you and feel right to you.

So I would spend a little bit of time analyzing it and doing some soul-searching before you come to a decision. You may decide to just stick with it and see if it improves for you. I hate to be cynical, but I would predict that what you see is what you get, and he's not going to change. If he really wanted to be monogamous with you, he would have already deleted his accounts on adam4adam and grindr, and there would be no text messages coming to him from potential hookups. But he hasn't done that, and my prediction is that he won't do it. What you see is what you get, and I think you will have two choices to choose from. Either accept this as it is and just deal with it, or else move on from him.

It could be, if you have formed a friendship with him, that you and him still could be friends in the future on a friendship basis, while still dating other guys of your own. Or it may not be possible to still be friends with him, if you have developed feelings for him and simply being around him or spending time with him would bring those feelings back. I can't really say how it would be in the future, and you probably can't predict your future feelings either.

It's hard to give you any tried-and-true advice on this. All the answers are within you, ultimately. But one suggestion I would make is to try taking a short break from seeing him, maybe for 3 weeks or a month, to sort out your feelings about this and to let him sort out his feelings. Sometimes a little time apart allows both parties to see it all more clearly and to realize what their true feelings are. You could end up deciding not to go back to him at all, or just to be platonic friends with him, or to try to make it work again as a boyfriend situation. Only you can really decide what is best for you.
 
Thanks everybody for your advice. I do know that sometimes i just get caught up in my feelings and need to think about myself and what i'm doing. I never thought that my feelings would be the same as I would feel with a female either. Thanks bw92116 i'm going to use your input, that's why I decided to finally post and make an acct here so I can get some advice. I don't have any friends I can talk to about this since none know I like guys.

I'm debating whether to just take a break for a couple of weeks or just see him every other weekend. Do you guys think I should address us being exclusive? I'm not gonna put my effort or myself out there unless I get the same in return (not just sexually).
 
Well, based on what you've said so far in this thread, I think the chances of you getting an exclusive, monogamous relationship with him are zero. He wants to "play the field" and still have you from time to time. My opinion is that he's not going to commit to you exclusively. So, logically why would you commit to him exclusively, even though that's what you want. The old saying is "Never make someone your priority if they only make you their option." And that applies here. Maybe it could be that you and him could be just occasional fuck buddies or friends with benefits. And both be free to see other people.

But... is that what you really want it to be with him? I think your feelings for him are stronger than that and you really want to have a settled, boyfriend-type relationship with him. But he doesn't want that with you. He wants to get all the benefits from you without any commitment. My opinion is that this is going to be an unsatisfying relationship for you because of your feelings for him. But my opinion is based entirely on what you've typed in to this thread, and I don't know him or you really, so I can't really form an accurate opinion.

Frankly I think you're investing a tremendous amount of mental and emotional energy into this one relationship, and he's not at all. It's very unbalanced and that probably means it won't work in the long run. You want a serious relationship with him, and from what you have said here, he does not want that. In fact he encouraged you to see other guys. That's not a sign that he wants a serious relationship with you.

I don't think it's necessary for you to break it off completely from him at this time. But I think it would be helpful for you to stop focusing entirely on him. I would try to focus more on yourself, what you want your life to be like, and do the things that result in happiness for you, independent of other people and especially independent of relationships. And it would also be healthy for you to broaden your social circle, open up and look around, start meeting other guys casually, not necessarily to have sex right away, but just to establish a wider range of potential boyfriends. Sort of "hedging your bets" in case this relationship fails or doesn't meet your expectations or fulfill your needs.

In fact I would work on removing your expectations about this relationship. Somehow get to the point that it does not really matter to you how it ends up. That's sort of a letting-go process, a grieving for the lost relationship you wanted to have for him, but he didn't want to have with you. It will be painful to let go of that expectation, that longing for a serious relationship with him, but it will be a short-lived pain that has a purpose. Hanging on endlessly to the idea of a serious relationship with him could mean a low-grade pain for you that goes on forever, as long as you hang on to that.

I think it would be healthy for you to cry it out at least once, and get the surplus of feelings for him out of your system. This will require taking a little time away from him. After that I think you will see this more clearly and without being clouded or distorted by a wave of feelings about it. But, again - it's all up to you and you don't have to take my advice or the advice of anyone on this forum or any of your friends. The answers are really within you, and all we can do here is help shine little flashlights on some of the possible answers that are already there in you.
 
Yeah, it seems like this guy is in it only for the sex, in my opinion. If hes on adam and he knows you know, or might see him on it, idk it seems like he doesnt have much respect, he can atleast keep that on the DL.
 
Update...So the day before yesterday je texted me if I ate and to come over and he'll cook something. I came over we ate dinner watched some basketball then layed in each other arms watching a movie, then went to bed in each others arms- all night we keept hugging each other lol. It felt good to have someone to hold and hold me. Well yesterday he asked if I was coming over, @ first I wasnt but gave into it. When I walked in he was cooking and I sat on the couch to watch the game and right on his computer and profile of some guy on adam4adam, idk if just doesnt care about me seeing it, since were not exclusive. We ate dinner while watching the games and I went to sleep, in the morning we fooled around(cause I wanted some before I left for work lol) But I've came to terms that I may not get a settled relationship with him (not a bf but someone I can be with and make me feel special/wanted). I'm not upset or care that he hooks-up or sees other guys, it just bothers me that even when I'm with him he does, or says he going the gym but while at the gym logs into adam from his phone, like the gym is suppose to be a hook up place. Sorry but i goto the gym to work out not hook up, altough there are hot dudes. It makes me feel like Im not enough for him and gives me the impression that he just is a hoe...which i def do not want. Can't turn a hoe into a housewife, so why would I try. Anyways in closing thanks for everyones advice and keep it coming please.
 
Sounds like still the same situation... he wants a "boyfriend" type of relationship with you but without being monogamous, and he seems happy with that arrangement. The question for you is, are you happy with this or not?
 
Protect yourself, I know it is hard, but you are never going to land him, at least he is not acting up behind your back - form that point of view you could say he is honest.
Get out and check out the scene and make him work for it, good luck.
 
You are not looking for the same things, which he has made very clear. In addition, you've got emotions invested here which makes it impossible to keep him around as a fuck buddy. The more time you spend with him, the harder it is going to be to move on. Cut your losses and go meet some new people.
 
Lots of good advice already given, so I'll just add this;

Be TOTALLY honest with yourself! If his whoring around doesn't bother you, then protect yourself physically and enjoy yourself. However, if you really want more from a guy than you're currently getting, then cut him loose. Can't get any simplier than that.


Much luck.
 
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