Grandmother asked if I had a boyfriend

[argomac]

She'll be 82 this year. I'm 26.
Everyone in the family knows except her. She's met my "flatmate" many many times, and thinks he's very nice etc.
My late grandfather was a minister, and a few years ago my Gran was given an award for 50 years' dedicated service to the Church of Scotland etc etc.
She has an understandable naiivity about modern life, but thinks she has her finger on the pulse.
My sister is 'living in sin' with her boyfriend, and my God does she make his displeasure known ("I only mentioned it once" ha!).
If I ever were to tell her, it would probably give her another stroke, one she wouldn't survive, and the rest of my family would have to either act shocked, or admit they'd been lying to her/keeping a secret all these years.
For some reason or other, she remembered my buying daffodils (his favourite), and is convinced I have a girlfriend. Today she brought it up...

- Have you got a girlfriend?
- Never mind. My business
- I'd like to know
- Put it this way, as soon as there's anything serious you should know about, I'll tell you.
- It's not a man friend you've got is it?
- No
- I should hope not

Maybe she's just reaching, because of my sister's situation.
I know she's worried that when she meets my Grandfather on the other side, she'll have to explain the downfall of my family (sheesh!), and I was warned not to do anything to upset her.

God I hate lying to her. But I can't handle the 'truth will kill her' stress either.

I'm kinda down.

 

[nothingtolookat]

Its your life, sweetie.

If she loves you she has to love all of you. If she can't, then she never did. Kinda dark, I know, but its the truth.

 

[WYSIWYG]

First and foremost this is YOUR life! Not hers, not your families.....I do not subscribe to lying! Sorry, but lying shows no respect to anyone, grandmas included!

As mentioned if she loves you it should not matter! I love the guilt trip about causing her to have a stoke or stelling the truth might kill them?...why do families do that?

 

[luminum]

If lying to her is killing you more than it would to tell her the truth, then tell her. She asked.

For grandparents reaching the end of their lives, I usually don't feel either way about telling/not telling, but sometimes lying is a lot worse to people than telling them the truth.

 

[RicanDAB]

My grandmother (God rest her soul) made no secret about her disapproval of homosexuality, and I suppose that the old-school type of thinking she closely held is prevalent among Latino families. I don't regret keeping my being gay from her before she passed away. It was generally for the best, and I would like to think that she would have accepted me anyway. But I have no regrets. On the other hand, my mom has since passed away as well and although I never came out to her either, there is strong evidence to suggest that she was not like my grandmother. Again, no regrets because I was not ready to accept it myself.

My advice is to do what makes you most comfortable. And don't feel responsible for evoking a stroke or whatever on her should she learn that you are gay. That is not your problem. You ultimately have to live your own life.

 

[G-Lexington]

For several years, I had to not tell Grandma. "It would kill her." I had to take my ring off and put in my pocket every time I went somewhere where she'd be. Pubert was just a friend, and that's all. She couldn't know. "It would kill her."

Then, during one get-together, she asked my sister if she had any problems with her brother being a homosexual.

Grandma ain't dumb.

Lex

 

[LarsVenice]

My grandmother told me I was gay, and she told my parents too. I agree with Lex: "Grandma ain't dumb." However, I did have a falling out with my grandmother and stopped communicating with her for about a year, after which we both acted as if nothing had happened.

 

[tpeezy101]

YOu should have said yes, SHE ASKED lol.

 

[megustamyn]

My mother is 88. She is still active in ministry and has been all her life. I think the reason it was my dad who entered seminary over 60 years ago and not Mom is that at the time ordained ministry was not generally available to Baptist women. My partner comes from a long line of Methodist ministers and both his brothers work in the church. And we are loved and respected by both our families.

My mother and my partner have had a great relationship since they first met over 10 years ago. She lives with my daughter because our house has all the bedrooms on the second floor and my daughter has a very large ground floor apartment. The stairs are hard on Mom’s arthritic knees

My dad has been dead for over 20 years and I do regret never telling him. Looking back on certain conversations, I realize that he knew and that he just wanted me to be happy. He did say once that he did not want me to grow old alone.

My mother-in-law, who is in her mid-70s, had difficulty with her son coming out. He had been married for many years and their two families had been friends for generations. It didn’t take long for her to get over it and soon she was treating me as another son. My father-in-law, 83, loved me from the day we met. He has more in common with me than with his sons because we’re both do-it-yourselfers and he loves to talk about projects and tools and all that ‘guy stuff’.

I don’t know anything about your grandmother or your relationship with her. I do know that we get wiser as we get older and that, generally speaking, elderly people are less judgmental and more willing to accept folks just as they are.

I also know that we, as well as our parents, would have missed out on a great blessing if we had hidden our lives from them.

 

[spreadeagle]

'Don't do anything to upset her' - At 82 she should have learned to take responsibility for her own feelings. Those who try and guilt-trip you to maintain the status quo never have your best interests at heart.

Instead of tip-toeing around her I'd be responding by asking if she has a girlfriend. Or if her sex-life with her husband was entirely satisfactory. Fair do's - if she's asking personal questions you have every right to ask her the same.

If she thinks she has her finger on the pulse then she should be willing to review her attitudes and to consider the relationship between individual freedom and religious strictures.

 

[JR]

There is a dramatic generational faultline for people over 80. Many of them saw the advent of indoor plumbing, automobiles and the telephone. The world was a much different place when they were 20.

When my grandmother turned 16, a neighbor boy offered to walk her down to the mill to pay the monthly bill for grinding the wheat to make flour so she could bake bread. But since she was seen without a chaperon with a young man in plain view she was forced to marry him. Her sister didn't even have that luxury. She had an arranged marriage.

In an age when a man and a woman were not necessarily able to follow their hearts, it is clear that two men were certainly not allowed that luxury.

I don't think that after 80 years your grandmother is ready for a crash course in contemporary sociology. My guess is she already knows what is going on, but she has made it clear that she'd rather not know the real answer. So there is no harm in making an old woman happy, as long as this decision does not put an undue burden on you. Only you can know whether you think it is worth it.

 

[dr_beat]

There is a dramatic generational faultline for people over 80. Many of them saw the advent of indoor plumbing, automobiles and the telephone. The world was a much different place when they were 20.

When my grandmother turned 16, a neighbor boy offered to walk her down to the mill to pay the monthly bill for grinding the wheat to make flour so she could bake bread. But since she was seen without a chaperon with a young man in plain view she was forced to marry him. Her sister didn't even have that luxury. She had an arranged marriage.

In an age when a man and a woman were not necessarily able to follow their hearts, it is clear that two men were certainly not allowed that luxury.

I don't think that after 80 years your grandmother is ready for a crash course in contemporary sociology. My guess is she already knows what is going on, but she has made it clear that she'd rather not know the real answer. So there is no harm in making an old woman happy, as long as this decision does not put an undue burden on you. Only you can know whether you think it is worth it.

Best response of the whole thread!

For the person who said grandma never loved you if she can't accept you as gay, I say that's a bit harsh. Just because she doesn't approve of his life doesn't mean she doesn't love him. If that were the case, few parents would ever love their children.

 

[tea123456]

Its your life, sweetie.

If she loves you she has to love all of you. If she can't, then she never did. Kinda dark, I know, but its the truth.

how can you tell someone that they are not loved by a person who is close to them?
you are not his grandmother, thats just awful

 

[mocha_san]

how can you tell someone that they are not loved by a person who is close to them?
you are not his grandmother, thats just awful

He didn't say that his grandmother didn't love him. He said that she needs to love ALL of him, not just part.

Truth be told, if his grandmother would stop loving him if he came out to her, she never truly loved him in the first place; she only loved him conditionally, which is not how I would ever want anyone to love me.

 

[dr_beat]

He didn't say that his grandmother didn't love him. He said that she needs to love ALL of him, not just part.

Truth be told, if his grandmother would stop loving him if he came out to her, she never truly loved him in the first place; she only loved him conditionally, which is not how I would ever want anyone to love me.

I wish people would please stop speaking like they were the grandmother. None of you can possibly know what she's thinking or how she feels.

 

[Kulindahr]

There's an art to communication that involves responding while not answering.
When she asked if the flowers were for a man friend, you could have just chuckled, given her a kiss, and said something like, "Grandma, you are so sweet!"

At her age, with a medical history including at least one stroke, a severe shock could trigger another -- or it might not. There might not be a shock; she might actually know -- grandmas aren't dummies. Or her worldview, given that it began forming back around World War I, might be blind to any signs because there's not really room for the concept -- not knowing her, I can't even guess. The only way to know is to tell her, and that might not be an "experiment" you really want to conduct.

There's a passage in the Bible about not speaking any unwholesome word. That's usually taken to mean no foul language, but that's just a small element -- what it's really about is not speaking any word that might harm someone else. If the truth might do actual harm, then telling her would qualify as an "unwholesome word". In that case, practice dodging the question!