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Great sex jokes

  • Thread starter Thread starter DickTurpin
  • Start date Start date
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DickTurpin

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Anyone out there got any good Gay orientated jokes? The cruder and ruder the better! I've only got a few, so i'll start off with one
:-) ..| :D

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
 
Why didn't I see that punchline coming? Thanks for the chuckle!!
 
a man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll what sex says the salesman boy or girl
girl please
full works mouth and cunt
yes please
what color black or white
black please
what religion jew/crhistion /islam
wait a minuete whats this got to do with the doll
well says the sailsman the islam one blows it's self up
 
hehe.....horny parrots and inflatable islams.....this is what makes life worth living..........yeah, I'm still a virgin ^O^
 
A city boy goes out west for a vacation. A cowboy invites him to go horseback riding so he can see the country side. They come across a sheep with his head stuck in the fence. The cowboy says that he can't pass up this oportunity, gets off his horse and starts fucking the sheep.
As he was finishing up he asked the city boy if he would like some of this. The city boy says he sure would , and he jumps off his horse and sticks his head thru the fence.
 
Good one, I was just told that one a few hours before reading it! Keep them cumming oops what a naughty speller i am
 
Moved your thread out of requests - The Requests Forum is for things like "Who is this guy?" type posts. I put your thread in Hot Topics, though arguably it would also fit in Fun & Games too. PM a mod or admin if you want it elsewhere.

Thanks.
 
Golfing Day

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed for the first tee and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a brand new home for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend 2 Mercedes.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of the business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars and a stock portfolio.
 
Noosa – Flea Paradise


One early winter’s day two little fleas were heading for the warm sunny beaches of Noosa to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just shivering and shaking.

The first flea asked, “Whatever happened to you?”

To which the second replied, ”I just rode up here on a bikers mustache and I’m soooo coolllddd.”

The first flea said, “ Don’t you know the special trick to get up here? First, you go to the airport, go straight to the men’s toilet, wait for a young pilot to come along and when he sits down you climb right between his butt cheeks where it’s nice and warm.”

The second flea agreed that this was a good idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head north to the warm beaches again. The first flea arrives and begins putting on the suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then the second flea arrives, again shivering, shaking and mumbling about how cold it was.

The first flea exclaimed, ”Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?”

To which the second flea replied, “I did just as you said! I went to the airport, straight to the toilet and then this young pilot came in and sat down. I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke up and there I was, right back on the biker’s mustache!”
 
My Fav:

What's the difference between a fridge and a fag?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

sorry, i know i've posted it b4
 
Not a joke but a funny line I heard from a comic on TV. He said, "I have nothing against gay people, but I don't know how y'all can do that shit. I mean, I don't even like that gum that squirts in your mouth."
 
no gay jokes :p


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!".

"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
 
An Eastern European immigrant's story about her harsh life when she first arrived in the US (sounds best if read with an accent):

When I first arrived in this country, we had nothing. My husband forced me to go out on the streets and sell myself. I came back two hours later with fifty dollars and ten cents. He asked, "Who gave you the ten cents?" and so I told him, "They all did!"
 
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother.​
 
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
 
Remind me to tell you the one about the vicar and the donkey with the cucumber!
 
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