Grieving for Straightness

[Araigu]

I've been here long enough to have read this is a normal phase in the coming out process, but still I feel I need some support, so please bear with me. I'll try to keep this simple, but I wanna give some background info.

I've been working on my self-acceptance for some time now, I attended therapy for a year and a half, and it's been like 6 months since I stopped treatment. Things have changed tremendously from that time.

I went from a strong denial (through High School) to a really angry phase that went against my Major. (I wasn't very fond of it, but quitting/switching can potentially jeopardize my security for I'm financially dependent to my parents.)

Then I got into a relationship, that ended with a cheating boyfriend that saw me only as simply another affair. I healed my wounded heart and kept on living.

Now things have changed a lot, thanks to therapy for the most part, but I've noticed most changes really showed up after we finished treatment. Now I'm not angry anymore and I've come to see my Major for what it really is, thus I've come to enjoy it, for the most part.

This was going great UNTIL I actually decided to date a girl. It was some sort of "what if" that's been stuck in the back of my head. At first I was really excited, but suddenly it all went downhill. I noticed I had zero sexual attraction for her... therefore confirming my "suspicions". I feel guilty to say this, but I wanted to have that last chance of being "normal", like I'd be able to keep a bit of that straight life we've been taught to strive for (even though I know it's bullshit). Suddenly I stopped caring about schoolwork and any other activity, I sleep twice as much as before (but I lack sleep in the night). And I think this is much like "grieving" for that "lost straight self" that I was trying so hard to find and keep.

Now, the real question is: Do you think I'm finally progressing towards true acceptance, but I'm going through some depression?
And, have any of you been through dating girls as a last resort?

Thanks in advance for your time, I know this is long.

 

[KaraBulut]

You have the classic signs of depression.

You should deal with the depression before you return to the questions about your sexuality.

 

[rareboy]

^ What Kara wrote.

Depression can be a very sophisticated and conniving companion. Sometimes it can be dressed up as social anxiety, sometimes as irrational anger, sometimes as indifference and apathy....but the problem is always the same.

I think it is great that you and your family have pursued counselling therapy and hopefully it will help you come to accept that being a homo is just another normal. But I think that there are some other things that need to happen as well.

You need sleep. You have to talk to your doctor about how you can get sleep.

To repeat my usual mantra:

- at least 2 hours of exercise in the afternoon
- no high fructose corn syrup or refined sugars
- no processed foods that contain msg or its many variations
- no recreational drugs
- no alcohol at night
- a firm schedule where you turn your computer off at 10 pm in the evening and then just read or listen to music

And you should pursue getting a non-narcotic sleep aid to help you get back on track.

But all this requires discussion with your doc.

Because the underlying cause of your depression may be physiological as well as psychological.

Keep us updated about the progress you are making.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't believe I've had the chance to welcome you to JUB, so allow me to do that. I'm glad you wrote and detailed your status in life and your journey thus far.

If things don't soon change with your mood and sleep patterns I think you need a clinical diagnosis from a psychiatrist so as to determine if you need an anti-depressant either long or short term. Whether or not you choose that direction it is probably time to seek out a therapist. You may have gotten as far as possible with you last one but don't be afraid to go as often as you need to throughout your life as new issues come up.

In a way it might have been good that you dated a woman because it caused you to break through that last bit of denial and that is what triggered this depression because it forced reality on you.

Try not to be afraid even in your sadness. And try to think of gay as the other normal, because it is and has always been for a minority of the population. Most of the countries of the world are no longer in the dark ages and the rest have Internet access to allow people to connect. There is even legal gay marriage in your city. So now the issue is the struggle in your mind.

You're not alone in this and even though it has become much easier for many people gay men are probably still marrying women trying to fit into a heterosexist world. I did that 42 years ago. Fourteen years later I found my partner and next month we are getting married. My life has been a journey of self-acceptance and that why I know yours can be that, too.

With work you will come to believe that one of your jobs in life is to accept and celebrate everything that makes you who who are. That's what will give you confidence to face the world and be good/great at whatever you do.

Good luck to you. Stay connected and try to find folks here to pm, including me if you'd like.

 

[sixthson]

I doubt very much that you need anti-depressants or drugs to help you sleep. I think you identified your problem when you said you are grieving the loss of something.
This is part of your journey of self discovery and acceptance. Often times we need to go through dark times before we come into the light. Drugs will only delay the inevitable things you need to come to terms with.
Some people would also recommend becoming sexually active, but that can be a trap, like drugs, too. Sex never proved anything and it never cured anything.
It's better to deal with life now. Live a healthy life with a good diet and plenty of exercise, keeping regular hours and make friends who will help you see that you are not defective.

Good luck. Take comfort in knowing many of us have been where you are now and we are the better off for having faced the truth.

 

[Araigu]

Thank you very much, guys. I've gotta say it's always nice when someone speaks wise words, as you've done.

Regarding a healthier lifestyle, I should have posted that I've got a small job and I do some martial arts training, three days per week (including early Saturday mornings). This has made me more disciplined, and I stopped smoking and I consume very little alcohol now. This has helped me a great deal, exercise boosts my mood, even though I've been pushing myself to go to training, even though it pays off once I get there.

On to my lifelong sleep deficiency: I will definitely consider sticking to a schedule, turning off the PC early, so I'll try to get used to sleeping earlier, even though it's not easy due to college. But we'll see how it works.

I must say that I've considered seeking a shrink, for my depression seems to be cyclical. Nonetheless, this time I spent something like 6 months with no major setback, until now. I'll try to keep active and continue doing my life as normal as I can, and hope that this sad phase fades away. But, may that not be the case, I'll seek a psychiatrist, I don't wanna be trapped in an infinite loop.

As far as I can see many go through something similar, so it's about giving it some time and a lot of thinking, accepting anything that may come in the future. It'd be simply awesome to be able to tell this to someone in person, because my close friends haven't had this "problem". But you definitely are a helpful resource, guys. Thanks

 

[MoltenRock III]

Araigu, how is your weight? Are you overweight? I only ask, since nearly a 1/2 dozen of my friends now who haven't ever slept well, who were overweight, ended up being diagnosed with sleep apnea. Since being treated for this disorder, they ALL are happier, slimmer, and sleeping thru the night.

Just making sure we cover everything.

 

[Araigu]

Araigu, how is your weight? Are you overweight? I only ask, since nearly a 1/2 dozen of my friends now who haven't ever slept well, who were overweight, ended up being diagnosed with sleep apnea. Since being treated for this disorder, they ALL are happier, slimmer, and sleeping thru the night.

Just making sure we cover everything.

That's interesting! And it makes sense too. But, I'm not sure about my weight, but I've been working out. Maybe a couple of kilograms above the "ideal" (sorry, dunno how to use the other system) but nothing serious. I don't wake up during the night, I just can't seem to get sleepy before 1am and College demands me waking up sometimes at 5am :S

Anyway, I'm feeling better now, not perfect but I can definitely say sadness is fading away, a little every day

Thanks

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh I so know how you feel. My last shot at straightness was this girl who was really nice and affectionate and definitely didn't deserve me. I suppose - actually I know - that she had this thing where she thought that I was just "misunderstood."

Well yeah, misunderstood was the least of it. By that point I was pretty far along the road to coming out and the vagina was just not cutting it for me.

It was really wrong of me to date her. I knew that I wasn't straight, I used her, and that was wrong.

I do understand the urge though. From the time you're a small boy you have this idea of what the milestones of life will be for you - and then you're gay, and everything you thought is fucked.

You have to deal with all the hater shit that's out there, you have to deal with your parents and their expectations, you have to deal with trying to find a new life in the wreckage of what you always thought, and it sucks ass - and not in a good way.

And it's really easy to try and take that one last shot just in case.

Buck up. It's hard now but it gets better, a lot better than you can imagine. The first time I kissed a guy who I really wanted, my fucking knees buckled.

I had no idea that making out could be that good, because I'd spent my life making out with the wrong people.

It's all so fucking much better, when you're with who you're meant to be with.

It may not seem like that now, but trust me on this.

 

[Araigu]

Oh I so know how you feel. My last shot at straightness was this girl who was really nice and affectionate and definitely didn't deserve me. I suppose - actually I know - that she had this thing where she thought that I was just "misunderstood."

Well yeah, misunderstood was the least of it. By that point I was pretty far along the road to coming out and the vagina was just not cutting it for me.

It was really wrong of me to date her. I knew that I wasn't straight, I used her, and that was wrong.

I do understand the urge though. From the time you're a small boy you have this idea of what the milestones of life will be for you - and then you're gay, and everything you thought is fucked.

You have to deal with all the hater shit that's out there, you have to deal with your parents and their expectations, you have to deal with trying to find a new life in the wreckage of what you always thought, and it sucks ass - and not in a good way.

And it's really easy to try and take that one last shot just in case.

Buck up. It's hard now but it gets better, a lot better than you can imagine. The first time I kissed a guy who I really wanted, my fucking knees buckled.

I had no idea that making out could be that good, because I'd spent my life making out with the wrong people.

It's all so fucking much better, when you're with who you're meant to be with.

It may not seem like that now, but trust me on this.

These are many of my thoughts! Thanks for sharing them. I felt that I was using her, for my own wicked purposes. But then again, I needed to know for sure. I need to let go of all those delusions of how life must be lived, we're all entitled to our own life and we can live it to the fullest, in our own way.
I need to deal with the hater shit out there, starting from my parents, but it will get better eventually, I've learned that

Anyway, I decided to back off from girl dating and I dated a guy yesterday, and it was great. So I guess I just need to keep doing what feels right, maybe one day I'll come across a girl who I really like, but it's highly unlikely, so I won't shelter on that anymore. As for the guilt I feel towards her I think the answer is to tell her that I'm not pursuing anything beyond friendship with her, I mean, she deserves to know the truth.
And I really hope it just gets better, because some days it seems it may worsen over time, It's all about time and keeping it up.