Guilt, being used in the past, affecting present and sex.

[lovelost]

I'll try not to ramble.

Basically, my first guy who I ever had sex with was into S&M. I dabbled and thought that it was a good thing, having new experiences and so on.

While I was seeing him on and off, I was going out and meeting other men too. (My first guy was not into relationships and slept around a lot.)

All the while this was happening, I thought that something may develop with these other guys in the form of a relationship. I enjoy sex but can't stand casual sex and "randoms". It just isn't for me but was always on the lookout for love and "the one".

In the end, I was just used and then the guys wanted nothing to do with me. I was left feeling alone, dirty and cheap.

I've recently met this great guy and things are going really well. However, last weekend, we tried a position that I was often "told" to be in with the first guy. All the bad memories came flooding back and all the negative emotions.

Since then, I'm pretty unable to get a hardon and can't shake the feelings off. They're affecting my self-esteem, my confidence, my relationship. Everything just seems on the rocks.

My boyfriend seems to be ok though and says that things are still good and I shouldn't worry. I just don't know how to move on. My boyfriend was so turned on and so passionate, more so than I have ever seen him before. Was it the position? (I was lying face down on my stomach.) Will he ever be that passionate again? I had to tell him a few times to stop that night. He did but apologised as it just felt so good. I just don't know what to think. I know he loves me and we both think of sex as being something worthwhile and meaningful. I just want him to enjoy things as much as he seemed to that night.

I'm so vulnerable and so insecure right now. I just want to be be happy and enjoy life and my relationship. This is affecting eveything...

I know it's a bit of a jumble... Any help or advice would be great. I'll add stuff if needed to make things a bit clearer...

 

[luminum]

Who told you that face down on the bed is the position for the first time?

Generally, the position that most people use when it's the first time is to have the top lying on the bed and the bottom sit on it. It allows the bottom to control penetration as he feels comfortable and makes penetration easiest. Plus you get to see your partner's face.

I personally don't like being on my stomach unless I'm really in love and comfortable with the guy because being facedown is demeaning to me and impersonal for sex.

And it's okay that you couldn't do it. It's okay that you couldn't get a hard on. Those negative feelings are real and they are things you are dealing with. Your boyfriend seems great that he listens to you when you told him to stop and that everything's cool and that he's not frustrated or anything. You're going through a lot of past trauma and he's there and he cares about you. Work through it with him. You were hurt by people in the past and if you can work through it, either with a psychologist and your boyfriend together or just you and your boyfriend, your relationship will grow.

It sounds like he's receptive to what you need and the problems you're facing.

But talk to him about it. Tell him that you were hurt in the past and that you love him and you want to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with him, so you need to work through these issues to do that.

 

[WYSIWYG]

I would try and forget everything that you were told about the "position for the first time to be in"! What works for one person does not work for another. Looks like that is the case for you.

As far as your past and about having one night stands, and being used, it sounds like your new mate is more like what your looking for. If you feel you have low self-esteem, lack confidence, etc., I would talk to your new mate about these things. (If you feel he is more like the person you have been seeking!) From your description of him, he is also interested in a relationship and might be interested in love with you. I think talking to him would make your relationship more solid and make you feel better about yourself!

 

[lovelost]

To clarify. It was more a case of my first telling me that he wanted me in that position. I didn't really get a choice as such. When I did, he told me he didn't like sex like that.

My boyfriend is checking all the boxes I've been looking for. Spoke to him today and he reassured me that he's not going anywhere.

I'm just feeling lost and pretty much screwed up at this point. Despite the re-assurance, I'm still so uncertain about how to go about getting my life together again and moving on.

 

[KennyD]

Have you told your new B/F about all of your past and explained why and how you are feeling now ?
You seem to need some kind of closure on the past so you can get on with the Now ... Talking with him just might help ...
Your new man seems to be understanding and caring .. work with him and try to do away with the guilt etc ..you have nothing to feel guilty about ...

 

[69Strat]

Try to focus on the present moment. If you find yourself worrying about things in the past or future, then bring it back to the NOW.

You should never feel obligated to have sex with anybody, esp. people you just meet. Hang out with them for awhile and get to know them without having sex. If they stick around and you find that you both get along, then there's a good chance it might lead to a long term relationship.

Consider signing up for some exercise classes or group sport activities, so you can build up you self-confidence. Health and fitness is a good way to do just that, plus you'll meet some interesting people.

Most of all, stop being so hard on yourself. You are going to eventually find some one who loves you for the way, you are. Visualize it, think positive thoughts and it will materialize.

Okay, have fun.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Lovelost,

Mate, bad feelings and guilt are learned emotions...and can be unlearned with time...

Its hard to deal with negative emotions and guilt at times but you are on the right track here mate...with time patience love and understanding you can learn to associate that position with love, intimacy and compassion...if thats what you want.

Talk open and honestly with your guy and explain why you feel the way you do...and if you want to...keep trying. Sometimes the only way to erase those feelings is to overcome them...dont let this develop into a fear of all sex...you have a loving compassionate partner by the sounds of it....let him help you overcome this...it really is a case of a burden shared is a burden halved...

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Your healing will most likely start at the point where you decide:

Either I control my past memories

or

My past memories control me?

Take a very deep breath and re-assure yourself that you are the one in control and that the very sense of control gives you ultimate entitlement to your own happiness in life. It is all of your creation.

And do yourself another great favor: adopt a 'No Regrets Policy'. You did, what you did. At times, hooking up with that one guy sounded like a good idea. Later on, you enjoyed hooking up with multiple partners. You were learning the ropes, you were having some fun and yeah, just like everyone else, you were getting hurt in the process of learning. That's how these things work... Nothing to be ashamed of. And even less to regret about. You did it and that was that.

Nope, you don't have to assume any position you are not comfortable with. Tell your BF, this is what you like and this is what you don't like. He'll be happy to run the show for you with in the parameters you set for him. That's what makes a good BF and Great BF.

SC

 

[spreadeagle]

I think that certain behaviours and expectations were set up in your earlier relationships - a pattern was established - "men hurt me, they use me, they only want casual sex, love = pain".

Unconsciously we tend to repeat what is familiar. With this new guy you're afraid of going beyond what you've experineced before, into strange, unfamiliar territory. That was then; this is now. Your new b/f is not your old b/f. There are a thousand ways to be intimate with your new friend without repeating the dynamics of the relationship with the S/M guy.

I agree that you should confide in your b/f some of your background so that he has an understanding of what you're going through and can support you. I suggest that for a few sessions you predetermine what will take place - i.e. you agree that there can be kissing and cuddling but no touching below the waist; or you agree that he will be passive and you will do all the love-making; or that you can do anything you want to each other but no penetration and no ejaculation.

The idea is that you set mutual boundaries that you both respect - there will be no unpleasant surprises and you will learn to trust each other. Take it slowly

 

[3nipples]

I am probably totally on the wrong limb here but could you be experiencing something similar to what some victims of rape go through?

Your inability to assert your own will with s&m bf and the others you slept around with may have left you with unresolved guilt and confusion over how you "allowed" this to happen and this is affecting your self esteem.

I expect you'll be ok as you start to get more comfortable with your bf and learn to trust him and yourself... otherwise you might want to consider looking for some professional counselling.

 

[lovelost]

Thank you so much for all the replies. I've been working through things slowly but surely.

My boyfriend has been so amazing. (Granted, so amazing I do wonder what he's doing with me! Lol.) But we've spoken about things and getting through things.

He's been so supportive and has said that we don't have to do anything sexually until my ready and so on.

I'm also actually starting to get hard-ons again which is a plus!

Time will tell and I've got some issues in my life still to sort but things are at least looking a bit brighter on this one.

Thanks again.

 

[3nipples]

Good to hear you're progressing. Your bf sounds like a nice gem. Give him a hug from me

 

[luminum]

Good for you! You've got a great BF! Good luck!

 

[JackFTwist]

counseling - it would do you a world of good, as it does/has done/would do for all of us

 

[tallguy297]

Hey lovelost,

Mate I'm so happy for you that things are starting to change!!! Take your time...keep talking and sharing. You have a right to be happy healthy and in love...remember that. You're a loving kind caring considerate equal...and you've found a guy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Just keep going...one day at a time...baby steps. And in time you'll be happy to see all of these feelings as a distant memory.

Good luck mate....its great news!