Had sex with my best-friend (who is straight, presumably)

[Braxter]

Heres a little bit of a back story so that you can better understand the situation I am in.

I live in a town in Canada comprised of mostly very religious bible following citizens. The average age of this town is about 45, and almost everyone over that age is Christian or Catholic.
Last september ( 2008 ) I went to university. The university I went to is about a 20 hour drive away, so its far away enough that I can do anything I want and no one will hear about it unless someone posts it on Facebook or I tell a gossip queen.
In about November 2008 I accidently came out as bi to my ex girlfriend, who is a gossip queen, so everyone found out before I was ready to come out. Although thats a different story.
In about Jan 2009 I come out as Bi to two of my friends at the university.
That is about when I started to 'fool' around. But we can skip all of that.
Right now I am 19 years old, and so is my best friend.

Last weekend I had sex with my best-friend. Ive had a crush on him since i got back from school in April. But I just put it aside saying "Well nothing is ever going to happen cause hes straight. So there's no point in trying and getting hurt."

But this weekend me and my best-friend got really drunk...

So like always we decide to sleep in the same bed together. But here's the weird part about this story.
Im laying there and he comes onto me and we eventually get to having sex (Im not going to go into detail). He was the one who started to take off my pants. At one point he even asked me to cum on his chest. And he initiated it all.

So now Im wondering what to do. Is he gay, is he bi, is he in denial, is he curious. It can't have just been the alcohol, from what I saw he enjoyed it (a lot).
Ive been talking to him and he doesn't want me to tell anyone, which I can respect, I won't tell anyone. But whenever I bring up the act of it he quickly changes the subject.

Any advice?

(Sorry for the horrible sentence and paragraph structure.)

 

[TX-Beau]

alcohol and experimentation.

Do not immediately jump to the conclusion that he wants to marry you, talk about it, or repeat.

Let it lie, if he wants more, well, I'm sure you'll be drunk in the same bed sometime in the future.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

And welcome to the "I had sex with my friend and now things are awkward" club!

What do you do? You get him alone and talk to him. Don't let him get evasive. Be insistent. "I really need to talk about what happened this past weekend. First off, I really enjoyed it. But secondly, I need to know where I stand now. Was it a one-time thing you wanted to try? If so, that's totally cool, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Is it something you're thinking you want more of? Are you thinking you might be gay or bi? Are you still not sure about it all yet? Whatever it is, I'm totally cool with it, but know that you can talk to me about it. I won't be judgmental, and I won't go telling anybody else about any of it if you don't want me to."

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Welcome to JUB!

And welcome to the "I had sex with my friend and now things are awkward" club!

What do you do? You get him alone and talk to him. Don't let him get evasive. Be insistent. "I really need to talk about what happened this past weekend. First off, I really enjoyed it. But secondly, I need to know where I stand now. Was it a one-time thing you wanted to try? If so, that's totally cool, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Is it something you're thinking you want more of? Are you thinking you might be gay or bi? Are you still not sure about it all yet? Whatever it is, I'm totally cool with it, but know that you can talk to me about it. I won't be judgmental, and I won't go telling anybody else about any of it if you don't want me to."

Lex

I usually agree with you but I gotta say, there are some times that having that heart to heart can cause more issues than not. I think this is one of them.

If he doesn’t want to talk about this, which seems to be the case, he's not gonna, and pushing it is gonna cause problems. You could maybe say that if he wants to talk about it, you’re there for him; but to push until you force him to have the discussion seems way too aggressive.

If it was just experimentation he may have moved on and just wants to put it behind him. If he has major hang-ups from being deep in the closet, not only is he going to react by withdrawing in their friendship, he may decide to avoid the guy altogether.

It takes two people to have a discussion, if the other guy isn’t ready to talk, or doesn’t want to talk; forcing him to talk isn’t the way to go.

 

[G-Lexington]

I understand what you're getting at. But doing this is putting Mr Straight guy's feelings ahead of the OP's. After the rather mixed sets of signals he's getting, OP has the right to know what to expect - be it "back to friends", "fuckbuddy", or "comforting friend". I can totally understand that Mr Straight is going to be pretty reluctant to talk about it, and is probably wishing the whole thing would go away. (Whatever his thoughts, I'm sure "I pray nobody finds out" is foremost on his mind.) But I don't think time is going to get him to suddenly open up. If anything, he's going to distance himself from the OP, hoping "out of sight out of mind". Which is why I phrased my talk the way I did. Reassuring Mr Straight that:

1. the OP had a good time.
2. nothing will be revealed that he doesn't want revealed.
3. the OP will be supportive whatever he chooses.

I have a feeling the talk will be an uncomfortable one, but I also have a feeling that they both will feel a lot better once it's over.

Lex

 

[Braxter]

I usually agree with you but I gotta say, there are some times that having that heart to heart can cause more issues than not. I think this is one of them.

If he doesn’t want to talk about this, which seems to be the case, he's not gonna, and pushing it is gonna cause problems. You could maybe say that if he wants to talk about it, you’re there for him; but to push until you force him to have the discussion seems way too aggressive.

If it was just experimentation he may have moved on and just wants to put it behind him. If he has major hang-ups from being deep in the closet, not only is he going to react by withdrawing in their friendship, he may decide to avoid the guy altogether.

It takes two people to have a discussion, if the other guy isn’t ready to talk, or doesn’t want to talk; forcing him to talk isn’t the way to go.

I know that I can get him to talk to me honestly, I have done it many times before. But at this point in time he doesn't seem to want to talk about.
he is actually going through a very rough time in his life. He is moving out of his parents house and moving to the same area as me, his sister just died, and now he has to worry about people finding out that he had sex with a guy. Which in this small town is big talk, especially with the family that he is in. Also his parents are very religious.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>he is actually going through a very rough time in his life. He is moving out of his parents house and moving to the same area as me, his sister just died, and now he has to worry about people finding out that he had sex with a guy.

And that's why I think talking to him is a good idea. You can reassure him that this information is stopping with you. I know you've said this before, but laying all the cards on the table might make him believe it more.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

I understand what you're getting at. But doing this is putting Mr Straight guy's feelings ahead of the OP's. After the rather mixed sets of signals he's getting, OP has the right to know what to expect - be it "back to friends", "fuckbuddy", or "comforting friend". I can totally understand that Mr Straight is going to be pretty reluctant to talk about it, and is probably wishing the whole thing would go away. (Whatever his thoughts, I'm sure "I pray nobody finds out" is foremost on his mind.) But I don't think time is going to get him to suddenly open up. If anything, he's going to distance himself from the OP, hoping "out of sight out of mind"...

Lex

It’s not about putting one person over the other. There are very few situations in life where escalating emotional turmoil is the right move.

It’s possible to just tell the guy that when he wants to talk about it, you’re there to listen, and leave it at that. It’s just as much an imposition on the other guy to add all of your emotional fuel to the fire.

As for having a “right” to know what the situation is, well, you sleep with your straight friends you gonna have to deal with this.

Look, as with most things that have to do with this situation, the more portentous you make it the more drama you reap. Ask if he wants to talk, he says no, what are you gonna do? Hound him until he does? Make every conversation you have with this guy about one drunken night?

No. I say you’re a better friend if you offer him that you’re there for him, then offer him the out.

 

[TX-Beau]

I know that I can get him to talk to me honestly, I have done it many times before. But at this point in time he doesn't seem to want to talk about.

Like I said before, if he won't talk, he won't.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Look, as with most things that have to do with this situation, the more portentous you make it the more drama you reap. Ask if he wants to talk, he says no, what are you gonna do? Hound him until he does? Make every conversation you have with this guy about one drunken night?

Well, you'll note the way I phrased it makes it clear that the OP is going to do most (if not all) the talking. And if the guy doesn't want to say anything to it except "OK", that's cool.

But I won't press the issue. If the OP feels that talking to him will put more pressure on him than letting it fester, then I defer to his judgment.

Lex

 

[Lube]

I understand what you're getting at. But doing this is putting Mr Straight guy's feelings ahead of the OP's. After the rather mixed sets of signals he's getting, OP has the right to know what to expect - be it "back to friends", "fuckbuddy", or "comforting friend". I can totally understand that Mr Straight is going to be pretty reluctant to talk about it, and is probably wishing the whole thing would go away. (Whatever his thoughts, I'm sure "I pray nobody finds out" is foremost on his mind.) But I don't think time is going to get him to suddenly open up. If anything, he's going to distance himself from the OP, hoping "out of sight out of mind". Which is why I phrased my talk the way I did. Reassuring Mr Straight that:

1. the OP had a good time.
2. nothing will be revealed that he doesn't want revealed.
3. the OP will be supportive whatever he chooses.

I have a feeling the talk will be an uncomfortable one, but I also have a feeling that they both will feel a lot better once it's over.

Lex

I gotta agree with Tex, Lex. (I've been dying to say that.)

This "straight friend" is not straight but deeply afraid and closeted.

It's pretty clear the friend liked it a lot (initiated it; wanted cum on his chest!). Just as clearly, he's not OK with it, both internally and what his deeply religious parents would think.

The good news is, we clearly have 2 gay/bi guys here.

The bad news is, it's gonna be hard to get Mr. Friend to come around quickly, although he may come around eventually.

I think you should lay low for now, and don't push the issue. In fact, be friendly and tactile and such--let him know you're OK with him--but don't vocalize anything.

 

[Lube]

It's sorta like the first step in my blog entry has already happened:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/vie...title=1-rule-when-dealing-with-a-closeted-guy

Mr. Friend does *not* want to hear that he's gay or bi. But he may be fine with--gradually--increasing your closeness, rubbing his back, relaxing him.

Just don't say the gay word.

 

[racer2438]

Why does your friend have to have a lable. Why cant he be just your friend whom you shared a cool time with and leave it at that. You each may open up to each other later on and or have more sex together. Why not just enjoy the time.


what with this everyone has to be lable something, I just dont get it..

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm going to take the middle ground here.

Your friend had what we call a "three beer queer" moment. Maybe he had sex with guys sometime in his past and is comfortable getting off with another guy. Maybe the things that were going on in his life made him want to feel close to you. Maybe he just wanted to get off. Maybe he doesn't know why he did it.

Don't feel like you were responsible or you did anything wrong.

But be aware- these guys and their confusion can be like a tornado and you don't want to get pulled into that tornado. Keep your distance.

All you can do at this time is say, "I'm your friend. I know you have a lot going on right now. I'm here for you and I will always be here for you. When you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen."

And don't bring it up again until he's ready to talk.

 

[Lube]

Like I said, all about sex.

My guidance would hardly help for a one-night stand. This guy is going to take a lot of patience to come around. It's only something you'd do in the interest of a relationship of some sort. Otherwise, why bother?

Stop looking at things so myopically.

 

[texan_slant]

Don't force the issue . Clearly, if he hasn't said much about it, then he won't want to talk about it. At some point, there might be a window of opportunity in which you COULD talk about it , though; seize the moment when that happens.

Set your expectations low. You were both on acohol - that muddies everything. You kind of have to be his friend first and foremost and don't expect him to come around quickly if at all. If he's not out, assume he's straight (that is my rule).

 

[rareboy]

I agree with Tex.

 

[memfuzz]

look the best way to go about this is to act like it didn't happen i know how you feel but i been in the same spot as him i had drunk sex with a gay friend and i liked it but didn't want to, it took a couple of weeks but i came around

 

[Braxter]

Thanks for all the advice guys.
I saw him yesterday and things weren't as awkward as I thought they would be. It was actually as if nothing happened. We didn't get to talking cause there were other friends around (and we don't plan on telling anyone, as per his request).
Although he did make a crude joke, which I laughed at pretty hard.
We were in wal-mart and he grabbed a smokie and handed it to me "Remind you of anything? *wink*"
So I'm sure I will get to talking to him again one day, and Im pretty sure now, that he's not straight.
I will be stuck in a van with him for 20 hours as we drive down to University... so I'm sure we will have a talk then, although sadly he is going to a different university.

 

[G-Lexington]

Good to hear. Best of luck to you both.

Lex