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Harmful Flirting or More? And More...

R

recuerdeme

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I've been feeling my bf distant for the last two weeks. We've been seeing each other less, less sex, less conversations. So this has been getting me down a little (lot). So last night I decided I had to talk about this. So I prepared dinner and we sat down and I begin to tell him how I felt and asked him how he felt. The conversation went well. He assured me that the only reason for all the "lesser" things was the amount of work he was doing and that he was just tired.

He went to take a shower I still felt he wasn't being completely honest. I went through his cell. Yes, I know, don't start (most) everyone is against this lack of trust behavior, including myself, but I just can't find anything blissful about ignorance. Besides had I not found anything suspicious I would have gone on happy and content, and not posting here. What I found were messages from a guy asking for "cock" pics and sending him pics, and what I found in the outbox were several message to yet another guy with attachments, I couldn't get the attachments open so I have no idea what they were but one of the subject lines read Enjoy!

I'm fucked, I didn't mention anything when he got out the shower but I did relate a story (similar that had happened to a friend) about a friend finding his bf online in personal sites and how that ended the relationship. I checked his reaction... it wasn't telling. I did ask him pointed questions about if he was chatting? No. Flirting with others? No. Had been with others while with me? No. etc.

So now I'm faced with a decision. How to go about handling this? Trust? I think that's hanging on by a thread. Tell him what I did what I saw and hope he's honest and doesn't trun it all back on me and my snooping? Tricky. Investigate more to be better prepared? This is truly what I'm thinking. Or just leave the relationshipi? I'm just tired soo tired, seriously I didn 't sleep last night the a=hole was in my bed snoring peacefully with all of his shady behaviour. Grrr
 
Love is sadly lacking without trust. That doesn't mean you give your trust blindly.

If your instincts were telling you something, you did the right thing by trying to talk to him. When you stoop to sneaking around and spying, it makes you as guilty as he with his online flirting (or whatever he is doing).

I gather you do not live together and you do not say how long you have been dating, but since he denies it all, why not just back off and let him initiate if/when you spend time together. That just might tell you how he feels about you. Actions speak louder than words, often.
 
Well we've been dating about 6 months. Not living together.
But I think there is a big difference between invading someones privacy and cheating/flirting... both are wrong but for different reasons.
But maybe I'll back off, try to cool down but I only have one direction and its forward.
How does one back off without backing out?
 
I think your relationship is over. There is no way through this without you coming clean. He gave you and answer and rather than believing him you spied on him. Ah-ha! You were correct. Now what? You are exhibiting signs of codependency that won't go away even if this relationship ends. My advice for the future? Concentrate on the behavior you object to rather than appearing to be satisfied with the excuse. The 'late at the office' routine is as old as the invention of the office. I think the only way through this is to tell him what you did.
 
You need to confront him about this. Who cares if you spied on him? The relationship is already over. Don't let yourself be treated like dirt.
 
I don't see any reason to do more investigative work unless you happen to enjoy it. The real question is - what do you want to do about it?

Lex
 
De verdad, I dern know.

I want to tell him and suffer the consequences of my actions (one of us should be honest right). And just get down to the bottom of it.

What's the worst that can happen? We break up? As of right now I don't want to break up but that all depends on the truth of this. Really I don't think there is an answer he could give me that would truly satisfy me.

So maybe I should stfu and decide myself if I can stay with him or not.

I already let him know that crap like this is unacceptable behavior for me. I have the "what's not going fly with me" conversation at the beginning of any relationship.
 
I went through this same situation but it was a bit more extreme and no snooping was done on my part since the dumbass used my phone. [details left out on purpose]

the way you're thinking right now is temporary and you'll kick yourself later for not doing the obvious thing. What the obvious thing is is totally up to you but i recommend saving some time and irritation and just skip to the good part. the part where the truth comes out and maybe an argument or two, but at the end of the day something happened, hopefully something you can live with.
 
Fact number one, He assured me that the only reason for all the "lesser" things was the amount of work he was doing and that he was just tired. he was full of shit when he said this.

Fact number two, What I found were messages from a guy asking for "cock" pics and sending him pics, and what I found in the outbox were several message to yet another guy with attachments, I couldn't get the attachments open so I have no idea what they were but one of the subject lines read Enjoy dose this other men not know that his dating someone? if I was you I would have played a little txt back game asking if he knew of you.


Fact number three, He is just full of shit and if I was you I would fuck him one more time and then after tell him it other. just get in one last time...
 
The stuff you found on the phone is largely irrelevant.

The issue is that the two are you are at a point where he's lying and you're suspicious and distrustful.

There's really nowhere to go from here.
 
When and if you confront him about this, he'll try to make it all about your snooping and lack of trust.

Do not let him do that.

Say, "Yes I spied on you because I didn't trust you. But it turns out I was right not to. Why was that stuff on your phone?"
 
So I came clean and sure enough he made it all about my snooping. Now we are definitely on the fritz and he refuses to say who the other guys are. One he says is a friend and the other he says is a friend too... seriously? WTF?
 
recuerdeme said:
Oh but somehow I still want to be with him. haha wtf
Click to expand...

Then there's nothing whatsoever anyone in here can do for you.

At this point if you stay, it's your choice, and your consequences, and you know what you're in for.
 
At least establish some boundaries or if not make it official you're open. You can't just end it where you will never know what he's doing with whomever he wants.
 
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