Has anyone dealt with obsession?

[jexxsay]

I feel I need serious help, I've been seeing both therapist and psychiatrist for a few years now, but I think I need something more extensive

I see therapist once a month, and though she's said shes been working on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with me, i feel that shes not.

Im taking 30mg prozac daily, while i think it helps in certain aspects, i still struggle with my obsession, anxiety, overthinking, self doubt and guilt

Im a 28yo male, been obsessed with a str8 online friend for about 6 years now, I overdosed twice on pills over this situation.

Last that happened was, I spent $1000 on gifts and sending him weekly allowance to make him happy despite him not returning feelings, i was/am unstable, id tell him i felt out of control and if he needed me to stop but he said everything will be ok.

I wasnt aware he had a gf during the time of all these gifts and money spending, till i asked him myself.

Long story short, my friends assure me he was gaslighting/manipulating me(showed my friends my conversations with him), but i blame myself more and often doubt he did. Right now im even more anxious to wanna talk to him cuz he lives in Christchurch, NZ, where the mass shooting recently occurred, and I crave his forgiveness for going berserk at him during hurricane Maria in 2017, where i sent him angry messages for "using me", we lost contact since.

I fear im a freak/psycho and want my obsession to end, but i feel its never ending, i hate him and i love/want him. Im scared

How long can obsessions last? I feel i deserve punishment

 

[jexxsay]

Part of a conversation one time was (i have screenshots if needed)

Me: what can i do to make up for how i stupid am?

Him: gotta keep saving (money he means)

-----

Me: can i say it for tonight? (The i love you)

Him: after you order

These seem like signs he was using me but then

Him: i dont use you, i dont try to

Him: you have ppl who care about u, me included


Like i replay this and more in my head every day, not knowing what to believe

 

[Croft85]

There's no doubt his is using you. he's not a friend. Of course he going to tell you everything is ok. He just wants your money. You need to stop. You should talk to your doctor about meeting twice a week maybe.

 

[KaraBulut]

You've told all of this to your therapist?

 

[jexxsay]

Yeah, I have told my therapist.

Guy and I don't talk anymore since before hurricane Maria in 2017, its stopped but problem lies in me not being able to move on or not knowing what to believe, i know i had my faults but what about him? Some days i think, yeah he used me, some i say, nah, he cared, i fucked up.

Last 2 sessions with therapist she only talked about me going for exercise or trying to remodel my house, nothing deep, and once a month, like it annoyed me a bit.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yeah, I have told my therapist.

Good.

Guy and I don't talk anymore since before hurricane Maria in 2017, its stopped but problem lies in me not being able to move on or not knowing what to believe, i know i had my faults but what about him? Some days i think, yeah he used me, some i say, nah, he cared, i fucked up.

He's the symptom, not the cause. You still need to deal with the symptom.

Last 2 sessions with therapist she only talked about me going for exercise or trying to remodel my house, nothing deep, and once a month, like it annoyed me a bit.

There's other threads where we've said this but if you are paying for an hour of friendly chats with your therapist, it's time to get a different therapist. Especially if he or she is calling this "CBT therapy".

Therapy should have goals. Therapy should make you feel alternatively frustrated, angry, happy, relieved... but it should never feel like you just spent an hour chatting with a friend.

Tell your therapist how you feel. If he/she can't explain her objectives and explain how you're making progress, then you need a different therapist who specializes in people with obsessive behavior and impulse control.