Hate BF's friend?

[Praxus]

So I'm wondering what you'd do if you hated your bf's friend? How would you handle things? Especially if you've never even met the friend yet and already cannot stand the guy.

My issues with this guy is he's a relatively new "old" friend that's come out of the woodwork after 20ish years, and seems to be invading my bf's life. They somehow found each other on facebook and have been talking/hanging out occasionally for the past few months.

At first I didn't think much of it, or him, until I noticed my bf started mentioning him a lot. Like "Oh, I was talking to X today and told him this about you." or "I was talking to X today and he said this." This type of thing went from maybe once a week to every single time I spoke to my bf. Then I noticed X on my bf's facebook page, so checked his page out. He had apparently friended a lot, actually almost all, of my bf's close friends and family, and yet has none of his own except his own kids (he was a married man with adult children who decided one day recently that he's gay and left his wife). Thought that was kind of odd for someone to do that when they're only friends again for a couple of months.

The next issue came when the bf told me that X has pretty much convinced him that he'll love hunting, and that he should start taking classes to get his hunting license. If there's one type of person I absolutely loathe, it's hunters. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with this big issue. I actually feel sick inside when I think about my bf shooting animals out in the woods.

The next thing was with my bf's work he sometimes has presentations to put together, and now X has volunteered himself with helping out on these projects. Not a big deal but he lives several hours away and has to stay overnight when he comes to help, meaning my bf has to keep him entertained while he's here, which cuts down on the time I get to spend with him, which isn't a lot to begin with since he works so much.

The final straw came when X said he now wants to be my bf's roomate since he's been living with his daughter since his divorce, and since the bf has a spare bedroom in the apt X thinks this is an awesome idea. I mean is that normal to spring that on someone after only rekindling a friendship a few months in?

All this within say three months. I've had the opportunity to meet X, but I just haven't wanted to. The guy honestly creeps me out and I've never even met him yet. It just feels like he's got to be in every single part of my bf's life, and my bf is just too nice to see anything weird going on. Is it just me thinking this guy is taking over? Any words of advice?

 

[HunterM]

It sounded like you are feeling insecure about your relationship with your boyfriend. Are you two in a solid relationship? Are you two keeping each other entertained? Do you make him laugh or vice versa? Do you keep your relationship interesting by trying something new or stay in the same old routine day in and day out? Do you trust your boyfriend not to cheat on you?

Go meet X and put all your negative feelings toward him aside temporarily. Keep an open mind and befriend him. See how it goes.

If you two are living together, it's not a good idea to have X move in with you guys due to lack of privacy. Tell your boyfriend that.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't like the sound of this because I tend to emphasize the word primary in "PRIMARY relationship.". For starters you need to know the details of your bf's past relationship with this guy.

As for the current situation, is x financially independent? If so, why doesn't he have his own place? Is he looking to be subsidized?

As for you, you need to determine what's jealousy and what's encroachment on your time and intimacy with your bf.

By the way, there are deal breakers in relationships. It sounds as if hunting may be that for you. The key is not to blame x. Your bf has a mind of his own. Good luck and feel free to pm. I used to have issues with one of my husband's friends.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yes, honestly, your story sounds creepy. The guy seems to actively be trying to invade your bf's life. And even if it's all in your head, that's also a problem.

My suggestion is that you need to talk to your bf. Not accusingly, but calmly describe to him how the situation looks to you, why it is bothering you etc. Perhaps, being on the inside of what's happening, your bf hasn't seen the signs of obsession this guy seems to be exhibiting.

Your bf is in a relationship with you. There is a limit where him having his own life begins to damage your relationship. Make sure you are not being a jealous little bitch first, but once you are, do not hesitate to address the issue. Otherwise things will get bad.

And I completely agree with Seasoned - it's nowhere near entirely X's fault. Your bf chooses how far to go.

 

[sixthson]

personally, I'd meet the guy before making a judgement.

he could be a really nice guy that your boyfriends wants to help.
he could be trying to take advantage of your boyfriend.
or he could be trying to invade your life and steal away your BF.

but meeting the guy and talking to your boyfriend are probably the easiest way to suss out what's going on.

Agreed.

If your bf wants a roommate, why isn't it you?

 

[Praxus]

So I'm really pretty upset at the moment, I didn't see/hear from my bf all weekend because he was working/getting over a flu, but apparently X was there with him all weekend helping him get another project done, and is still there currently.

I'm really at a loss here....

 

[TX-Beau]

Loki is like a thousand percent correct. Without having had that conversation there is absolutely nothing we can say to help you, all this amounts to is so much bitching.

That said. You are in this relationship too, you are just as reponsible for making it work. You aren't pulling your own weight by complaining to us while stallling on that conversation with your BF. These situations always come down to what are you willing to put up with.

Sometimes the issue is fixable, sometimes it's mis-communication, sometimes there is fire - but YOU WILL NEVER KNOW if you just put up with ignorance and will your BF to behave like you want him to.

You are not at a "loss," you are stalling and complaining.

DO SOMETHING!

 

[Lefty]

Until recently your 'boyfriend was a married man? Married long enough to have
children that are now adults in their own right.

He recently decided he was gay so dumped the wife and hooked up with you.
Now that he has escaped the 'rings of servitude and tasted the fruits of freedom,
he is spreading his wings suddenly taking up and spending his 'your' time with people
from his past that are encouraging him to do things YOU hate or can't abide. You
have a relationship with him but live separately and he is considering a roomie from
his past...past...past life. One he aLready spends a lot of work and play time with?

Final call to attention, he is sick but the 'old friend' was here with him...and working
on a project with him too?

You need to either grow a pair or borrow some and strap them on.? The time for confrontation
is long past. Your boyfriend sounds like a prize...door prize that is. Sure, you are right there
and I can't know all the details or see the subtle nuances of the relationship BUTT, the picture
as you paint it spells..B/F is feeling the release from those marriage shackles and out for more
wild oats before it is too late. Sorry, the guys above are more optimistic than Lefty the one
armed Crepe Hanger. but do yourself a kindness.

Confront, identify, discuss, resolve or just fucking leave while you have your dignity and
self respect intact. JMHOi

 

[Praxus]

Lefty, I'm afraid you ranted prematurely, you read what I wrote incorrectly. It's X that recently found he's gay and left his wife, not my bf.

And that's another issue I have with X, but not going to get into that since it's a personal prejudice I have.

 

[Praxus]

So I did have a small talk with the BF, but it was short because I pretty much burst into tears (didn't want to but it had been building up for months) and couldn't get many words out, but he said there's nothing for me to worry about. Want to trust him, but trusting him and trusting what X may be up to is two different things.

Spoke to my only other RL gay friend finally and told him everything I said here about X, and he agrees that there may be no interest in X on my BF's end, but it seems like X is def weedling his way in, wether my BF sees it or not.

It's also starting to affect my health, can't seem to get out of the depression worrying about this has caused, can't fall asleep without taking something, once I'm asleep I can't stay asleep, I'm not eating (that's a benefit actually), getting headaches a lot, and just feel like crap.

 

[Lefty]

Lefty, I'm afraid you ranted prematurely, you read what I wrote incorrectly. It's X that recently found he's gay and left his wife, not my bf.

And that's another issue I have with X, but not going to get into that since it's a personal prejudice I have.

Praxus...

I apologise if you felt I was ranting.

My summation was based on all the posts.
Your post #7 may have been what biased
my opinion and put me on the wrong path.

My final sentence still holds the truth in my
opinion. Since you don't know me and are
not likely to respect my suggestions, I will
leave you at that My friends on this thread
are saying it nicer than I did.

Good luck, and I hope you find a better way
to lose weight.

 

[future_retro]

Praxus, I think you need to have a real talk to your b/f about this. This has become a major issue for you - and for your relationship to have any future, you need to really work the issue through with your b/f (and he needs to be open to this too).

I agree with what Seasoned said - some things are just deal breakers. I know for me, I could *never* be with someone who got their kicks from going out into the woods to track down and kill innocent creatures. I couldn't even be with someone who wanted to try it. For me, hunting would be an instant deal breaker. But that's just me - you may feel differently. Anyhow, leaving the hunting thing aside, I will say that overall the situation seems to be a bit unusual, and I think you're right to feel somewhat concerned and confused. The only solution is to get more information from the b/f, to express your concerns to him, to see how he reacts, to find out how he intends to proceed with X, and then for you to decide where you sit with the situation and what course of action you want to take.