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Have 2 Guys, I Have to Pick 1, and need advise

S

smltightbum25

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Hey Guys, the title pretty much sums it up, but here is the background information... I have been with one guy for almost a year, we get along great, can spend hours talking about nothing, pretty much anything that constitutes a relationship, oh yes and we live together. My concerns are, i found out he has been playing with other guys on the side since we formally started going out :( and I caught him in that lie which is the only reason he came clean about it. Also, prior to finding out about the other guys, and more so now that i know, I don't find myself sexually attracted to him. I care about him lots, but what chance does a relationship have if I can't force myself to make it work in the bedroom? He swears he won't do it again, but if he lied about it once, i find it hard to totally believe him.

Enter guy #2... He is practically my clone, super cute, smart, a bit neurotic, but we clicked from the first time we met, and that is super rare for me. It was a total fluke that we did meet, but I can't ignore the chemistry between the two of us. He is also out, so i can actually introduce him as my boyfriend to others, which i cant do with the guy im with, since he is totally closeted - something that wont be changing anytime soon. I've only known this new guy for a month, we are trying to just be friends due to my current situation, but neither of us have been good with that part. We haven't played much, but when we have played, it felt so natural.

So please guys, give me some feedback or opinions... Do I take a risk with the guy i know very little about, but feel naturally attracted to, or try to find a way to make it work with the guy im with?

Thanks
 
If the second guy were not in the picture, would you be as willing to end the current guy?
 
Once a cheater ---always a cheater. He can not be trusted.

unless you guys are tied together for something else(finances) I'd 86'd the cheater and start dateing the other guy.
 
The thought of leaving him did cross my mind a few times over the past year, prior to the 2nd guy. Especially after the playing around that i discovered he was doing.

We aren't 'tied' together in anyway on paper, we're just roomies as far as pretty much anyone is concerned.
 
Pick the second guy you idiot. It's so simple, you want to be happy right?
And you're only still with the first guy through habit. Besides he needs to learn the consequences of cheating.
 
yeah I gotta say the 2nd dude sounds amazing, I'm confused as to why this is even a hard decision.

Take 6 months apart and see if the first guy could just be a friend after?
 
A few months apart might be an option if i go that route. Id have to find a place to live and move first, so the time between now and that time might be kinda tricky.

It does seem like a pretty easy decision except for the close feelings i have with my current guy. I think I'm under the cloud of 'maybe he can be changed if we try'... but I know it's pretty hard to change someone. *sigh*
 
smltightbum25 said:
The thought of leaving him did cross my mind a few times over the past year, prior to the 2nd guy. Especially after the playing around that i discovered he was doing.

We aren't 'tied' together in anyway on paper, we're just roomies as far as pretty much anyone is concerned.
Click to expand...

If you would have posted the question before you met the second guy, the answer would be clear- you're not getting what you want from the first relationship- either in terms of monogamy or honesty. If he's cheating in the first year, the future doesn't offer much promise that he will change.

But you had the option to end it yet you didn't. Now a new guy comes along and 1 month into it, he (too) looks great and you're now pondering ending the first relationship to start a new relationship. Those circumstances don't create a good starting point for a new relationship.

If you're not happy and you don't feel like your current boyfriend is going change, then that's all the reason you need to end it. So, end it.

But don't put your eggs in the basket of a guy you just met. If you're going to leave your boyfriend, do it for you, not for someone you just met.
 
I would drop guy 1 and see where it goes with guy 2. I would try and take things slow with the second guy. He may seem better than the first guy, but he has flaws too.

You have been physical with the second guy while you were with the first right?
 
KaraBulut said:
If you would have posted the question before you met the second guy, the answer would be clear- you're not getting what you want from the first relationship- either in terms of monogamy or honesty. If he's cheating in the first year, the future doesn't offer much promise that he will change.

But you had the option to end it yet you didn't. Now a new guy comes along and 1 month into it, he (too) looks great and you're now pondering ending the first relationship to start a new relationship. Those circumstances don't create a good starting point for a new relationship.

If you're not happy and you don't feel like your current boyfriend is going change, then that's all the reason you need to end it. So, end it.

But don't put your eggs in the basket of a guy you just met. If you're going to leave your boyfriend, do it for you, not for someone you just met.
Click to expand...


You make some really good points... if I do end up leaving my current relationship, i'm not planning to jump right into another one with the new guy. We will obviously see more of each other, and see where it goes; the problem is i can't really explore that scenario until after I end the current one. I'm not 'not happy' now, not fulfilled might be a better way of putting it, but ultimately both sorta mean the same thing.
 
A leopard doesn't change his spots. For me, once the trust is gone there can be nothing.

I can't tell you what to do. I will say that I would not tolerate a cheater.

Should you decide to break-up, don't rush to the second guy. Get to know him a bit and give yourself time after the break-up.

Either way, good luck.
 
You say the first guy was fooling around when the two of you officially "started going out". Did you guys talk about being exclusive? "Going out" is quite a bit different than being an "exclusive couple".
 
Willie Boy said:
You say the first guy was fooling around when the two of you officially "started going out". Did you guys talk about being exclusive? "Going out" is quite a bit different than being an "exclusive couple".
Click to expand...

We made it very clear when we 'started going out' that it would be exclusive. There was no grey area that could have been misinterpreted.
 
smltightbum25 said:
I think I'm under the cloud of 'maybe he can be changed if we try'... but I know it's pretty hard to change someone. *sigh*
Click to expand...

I don't think anyone has ever changed someone. It is quite difficult to change ourselves when we really really want to.

(Think of any bad habit that you or someone you know has tried to change - smoking, losing weight, limiting computer time, working out... Even when you are committed to the change, it usually doesn't happen).

And the idea that you could actually change someone else - You had better have a lot of time and a lot of patience - and if you pull it off, write a book.
 
smltightbum25 said:
We made it very clear when we 'started going out' that it would be exclusive. There was no grey area that could have been misinterpreted.
Click to expand...

Are you sure he understood that? Your original post did leave much open to interpretation. I'm wondering just how much of your communications with guy #1 were of the same level. Just because you clearly understand your own intentions does not mean he did too. I would recommend sitting down and actually communicating (without the air of accusations). You have already invested some time with this guy, and seem to really care for him.... Do you really want to throw it all away over some potential misunderstandings?
 
OK, so you are now both cheating, or have you told your bf about the new guy? You are wise to want to take a break from relationships, but you won't actually be doing that if you have a guy on the side. If the chemistry is as strong as you say it is, it won't be long before you are wrapped up in each other.

Sometimes it can't be helped, but it can still be a problem going from one guy to the next. It doesn't give you time to reflect and grow. The outcome might be nice, but you did meet the new guy out if revenge. You feel justified, but be honest with yourself. I'm not passing judgement, but believe me, a person could justify about anything if they wanted to.

I think if you can truly take it slow with the new guy, then go for it. The current bf is a liar, first about his orientation and then about his hook-ups. In his case I'd say the closet is making being sneaky an attraction. But, I don't know him, so it's just a guess. Some people do get addicted to excitement. They need the adrenaline rush.

The problem is that you don't know much about the new guy. There are always risks, but I'd rather take a risk with someone out of the closet. Please understand that rather than face grieving the old relationship alone you will have an emotional cushion and not learn as much. If you should end up in a relationship with the new guy and something similar happens do force yourself to be alone before the next relationship.

Good luck to all three of you.
 
anchihiro said:
Pick the second guy you idiot. It's so simple, you want to be happy right?
And you're only still with the first guy through habit. Besides he needs to learn the consequences of cheating.
Click to expand...
^ Good advice
 
Thanks for all the advise guys, I have a lot of heavy consideration to put into this before any decision gets made... but I honestly feel I'm better off ending what I have now and pursuing a friendship with my guy. If that friendship blossoms into something more, awesome... guess time will tell.
 
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