Have a peek of my life with my bestfriend, I need your help:(

[imarflex15]

WARNING: very long post, I hope you wont be bored reading this. Its worth the read! Please help me, i need your advice. Im new here in JUB and I found out this coming out thread so here I exposed and shared my life to you.



Hi Im Leigh.I need your help, im very in love with my bestfriend, as in very. He was my classmate in high school and things started to get intimate with him in our senior year. We held hands. The first time we held hands was when I played with his fingers because he enjoys cracking the bones of his fingers. We were just talking there and I suddenly realized that I stopped playing with his fingers and my hand was just resting on his. It was quite awkward for me but I thought it really was magical. The warmth of his hand was so comforting so being the selfish boy that I am, i clamped our hands and hid it under the armchair so no one will notice. All along he remained silent. We held hands for like 15 mins. and there was hell of an awkward silence throughout. I thought he doesn't mind it because he never responded anything bad and he never removed our grip with each other. I was the one who broke our locked hands. At that time , I really am sure that I am in love with him , I really like him other than the fact that he is handsome, I feel that he takes care of me a lot. He has always been my partner in crime in all of the mischief we have done. He'd offer me to ride on his back while we'd be on our way to a store outside our school to buy food. Anyway so after that incident, I frequently held hands with him, and he was okay with it. We just talk and ill do the same routine again of playing with his fingers and after that we just lock it again and instead of an awkward silence following afterwards, were getting used to it like its normal.I wanted to experiment something so one time i didnt play with his fingers. I just put my hands on his arm chair, my palms opened facing his. He suddenly held it with his hand and locked it and squeezed my hand hard. I was surprised because he did the first move. We continued to held hands like it was natural. He was very warm and I'd tell him of his remarkable warmth and he would reply that its because my hands are cold so thats why I felt a contrast in our body heat. He would usually complain that my hands are smooth but its isnt that soft. (I was a little bit chubby back then by the way so my palms were a bit fat) I really enjoyed the intimacy with him. I wanted to explore him more and get affirmation from him.

One time when he was sitting on his chair, i approached him and sat on his arm chair. I had my arms rested on his right shoulder. We were talking when I suddenly had an idea of exploring his neck. I always had a thing for necks and his was quite a beauty. His bulging adam's apple and throat was very sexy nothing compared to my almost invisible one. Since my left arm was resting on his right shoulder, I slowly flexed my arm towards the direction of his neck and had the back of my left hand feel his neck as if checking for fever. He was literally hot, as in super hot. I asked him if he has a fever and he replied he had none. I continued feeling the warmth of his neck with the back of my hand. I finally had the courage to use my right palm to feel everything. It would appear im choking him but that isnt the case. I felt every contour of his throat and adam's apple and with his radiating heat, butterflies began appearing in my stomach. I felt very much ecstatic. All along he was silent while i selfishly explored his neck, suddenly i felt a sudden motion from his neck. I was so shocked because it felt good feeling it with him. He was actually moving his throat and adam's apple up and down. I told him to do it again and he gladly smiled and did it again. With my palm on his neck , i was enjoying the rising and falling of his throat and I think he was okay with it too. He later on stopped because of the discomfort of moving his throat a lot. I was happy , the sensation was new to me. It was like masturbating but instead of moving the hands up and down, the throat moves. (quite the pervert that I am, sorry blame my raging hormones.)

So when we are always together, i would frequently hold hands with him and play with his neck. Im sure my classmates already noticed us but i didnt give a damn about them. In all our classes we'd sit together during breaks and just talk and talk. Still i wasnt satisfied with the physical intimacy i had with him. I wanted to dig my curiosity deeper. So I gained the courage of trying to touch his crotch. (blame my raging hormones again hahah). So it was in our computer class when Ive done it for the first time. The room was airconditioned so it was very cold, and I was sitting next to him doing our usual routine of locking our hands and feeling and squeezing his arm muscles. I was totally consumed in his warmth. I stole quick glances on his crotch and thought what it would feel like touching his. I had always noticed that he also had a remarkable and obvious bulge. I thought at first that it was just a zipper bulge but I was wrong. In the computer class, my teacher taught us how to assemble the CPU so we gathered around a very big table and sat along the sides. So it was an opportunity for me to touch his while the others cant see it. So as my teacher demonstrated and assemble the CPU, my hands were holding his under the table and they were rested on his thighs . I let go of our locked hands and just rested it on his thighs and slowly crept my way to his crotch. I wasnt looking at his crotch while I did that because I was pretending to listen to my teacher so I was blind to where my hand is heading and i only relied to my sense of touch. So as my hands crept, I bumped into something and I knew what I had found. It was big and it was hot. I can feel its radiant heat piercing through the cloth. I was so shocked of the feeling and i continued resting my palms on top of his bulge. I never dared to squeeze it as it might shock him. He noticed what I did and brushed my hands off and held it. I was persistent and I came back resting again on top of his bulge. All the while, the whole class was oblivious of what I have been doing. After that class was our PE and the teacher lectured while I was still playing with his arms. One of my girl classmates asked me what I was doing and i answered her I was playing with him. He doesn't seem to mind though. As I was playing i got a little curious again and tried brushing off my hands on his crotch area to check something out. When I brushed it off it was quite hard. He had a hard-on. I rested my hands again on his thighs and slowly traveled to his crotch area. When I slowly had contact, I felt it was really hard. I was amazed because it was actually my first time to touch a hard-on of another person. Heck, until now he is the only boy I have explored to feel a hard-on. It took quite a few seconds for me to feel his manhood when he shoved my hands off. And he told me , "Wait, please stop." So I stopped feeling his after he said that. I was just curious, what had he been thinking during that time that he was able to have a hard-on? I was playing with his hands and thighs and eventually his crotch and while I was doing it, he just stared blankly at the teacher lecturing.


I have always been curious about this friend of mine, I really love him so much it hurts not seeing him anymore since were separated now because we went to different universities far from each other. I had so many things to ask you but it would be very long so i just have to give you a gradual flow of information. okay i think gradual was an understatement since this is actually my first thread and i have given you this such amount of words. hihi sorry. I really would like someone to give me advice on this. Do I have to tell him I love him or just stay being friends with him in order to not hurt him and me ? I havent come out of the closet though and I dont see a need for I am not particular with labels. Though I have effeminate qualities and Im sending the people around me signals. As they say, actions speak louder than words right? haha. So what are your insights with my situation? I need ideas from a different point of view because I know I might be biased that he actually likes me because Im blind to misinterpret even the tiniest detail of response from him while I was playing with him and all the other things he had done to me .


I really hope you'd help me

 

[imarflex15]

FACTS ABOUT US:

When we were in high school (senior year)

We have this sportsfest in our school and he played volleyball. He somehow got muscle cramps so I went with him in the clinic and applied ointment on his back. (I was consumed by his musky scent)
He got well after treating him and he was staying in our classroom while I was busy moderating the music broadcasted in the event. Somehow while I was busy and he was playfully annoying me, I had tactlessly insulted him. He sat on a corner wearing an angry face. When I approached him, he'd stare intensely at me. He was very angry. So I kept my distance and busied myself with the work that I had been doing. I pretended to ignore him because I know he hates confrontation so I had him cool down for a while. Days later, we became friends again as if nothing happened. No closure at all. Later had I been informed by my classmate, Nina that she approached him at that time and saw him shed a tear, still wearing an angry face. She asked him whats the matter and he said it was because of me.

I have this classmate Abbi and she was my partner in dance class. He would tease her to me, but I hated it. So I teased her back to him. And it became viral. The rest of our class always tease him. He hated me for quite a while because it was my doing. I, on my part, was very sad as well because I can feel the distance diverging between us. Whenever my classmates tease him, he'd usually play along but when I even utter a single word about them. He'd be mad at me. I apologized to him and promised him to never tease him with her again. We became friends again after that, but the rest of the class continued to tease Abbi and him. I was consumed in jealousy and I hated the fact that I started their love pair (btw during that time he also has a girlfriend from the sophomore class but they didn't show it on public but everyone knows) .I selfishly hated him for tolerating my classmate's teases on them. I thought he was doing it to make me feel more jealous. I started becoming distant from him and he noticed it. He asked me what's the matter but because my jealousy turned to hatred, I insulted him and he got mad. I know I overreacted so badly. I made our distance from each other even more farther. I tried making up with him . Classes were about to end and all of us were busy finishing our thesis as a requirement for our graduation. He was always absent and I called him and asked for the reason of his absence. Other than busying himself with his thesis he told me THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO COME TO CLASS WHEN I AM THERE. I told him I was very sorry for all the things I had done and finally I convinced him to come to class again. After these conflicts and we became friends again, I tried to play with his fingers again and seek for acceptance but he'd brush my hands right away. . I am such a loser. We remained friends but it wasnt the same.

The day before graduation, it is our school's tradition to have our classmates sign and write all the stuff on our school uniform. I made him sign mine and it read, "Thanks for everything. [hope you'd find the meaning] " This was quite intriguing, up until now I still dont know the meaning of that Thanks for everything.

Graduation finished but we were still meeting up because we still need to have our thesis published and we need signatures of our advisers. So both of us went to our adviser's house and after that we strolled in a park. We finally settled at a grass lawn and talked our lives out of what our plans in the future are. The park has a small stream feeding the park's cave and all of a sudden he said that he wants to swim and enjoy the water of the stream. I told him we cant since we didn't bring any clothes to change. He told me that we have to get naked then. I refused the offer because Im too shy about myself and I dont want him seeing me looking/disturbed at the sight of his naked body. I probably would have a hard-on all throughout. So I told him I didn't feel like swimming. We continued to talk and I realized we were back to the same people we used to be less all the conflicts we had caused to each other. I reached out his hand and felt him locked ours while my other hand was playing with his legs, drawing circles on his hairy legs.

 

[imarflex15]

Am I just misinterpreting things here? Can you help me understand all of this? What does he mean when he wrote " Thanks for everything, [hope you'll find the meaning] ? . My bestfriend is straight but I had a suspicion he could at least be bi for tolerating me. One time when we were at the mall and we happened to enter to a video store and as he was browsing through the sections, we saw DVD's of boy's love and all the gay indie films. I pretended I didnt mind because I felt quite uncomfortable at that awkward situation but I was observing him. I gestured him that we should go but he said wait and his eyes were wide and big seeing the dvd cover and he was actually reading the synopsis of the film at the back of the cover. It was very awkward for me.

 

[Lehans]

Just be an adult and ask him flat out if he ever had any intimate feelings for you, and make it clear that you had/still have feelings for him. Beating around the bush with indirect statements and vague answers never gives you want you want.

 

[KaraBulut]

The feelings that you are describing are common between male friends- it's hard to be emotionally intimate toward a friend without having confusing feelings. Love has a lot of different meanings.

But you're talking about the past. A high school crush.

What you have to decide is whether you want to continue being a high school kid pining for a straight friend from years past... or are you ready to be an adult who dates guys who can return your feelings?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. Have a phone or cyber chat and come out to him and then begin to make a life for yourself at your university. You don't need to keep teasing yourself. There are hormones raging all around you. When you're ready, play safe.

 

[imarflex15]

Hi guys, thanks for the reply, I appreciated it

The thing is, we still see each other, hes not just my high school crush, I love him till now.

Just last summer break, I went to his house (It was a 2-hour ride from my house, away from the city). We strolled around the fields and talked our lives out again. We went back to his house and watched TV and I reached out something to him and while I was doing that , my elbow was leaning on his crotch. He was okay with it , no reaction at all. We ate lunch and he was eating for the whole hour while he was talking to me. I had finished my lunch for 20 mins. while he ate for the whole hour. He was shocked because he didn't notice he was full at all because he was busy talking with me. So he said that we need to lie down on his bed, and so we did. I lied right beside him and cuddle him. Again he was okay with it. But i still didnt do anything beyond that, Im waiting for his move. But nothing actually happened during that time .

Just last sem break, we met with each other again. I was heading an academic event in our hometown and I asked him to come. I needed support since it was my first time to head such big event. I was with my high schoolmates when we came and he was surprised to see my new look. I have long curly hair as my university allows freedom of expression. ( We are Asians by the way, so almost all of the universities here in our country follows a strict protocol of boys having a short hair). He already saw my long curly hair when I went to his house, but I at this time, fixed it in such a way that my hair will be clumped together. ( Imagine goldilocks, but instead of blonde, it was black) Back to the story, I was there with some of my highschool classmates when he arrived and he was surprised to see my new goldilocks look. He thought I was a girl from a far. He shockingly asked me if I was gay right in front of the people. I was dumbfounded and defensively replied no. THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE FOR ME! . I am really expressive of my sexuality but Im not out yet. Not out in such a way that I tell people that I'm gay. But if anyone could have asked me sincerely, I think I could answer. But it was him who asked me and I was so shocked at that time. It was like a reflex for me to say no. I know my inhibitions were conquering me that time and it wasnt the right place to expose my sexuality especially to other people. If I could have said yes to him, I dont know what will happen . Im not yet ready. That's why Im having a hard time trying to tell him. I love him so much that I dont want to hurt him and me during the process of me telling him i love him. I fear that he will reject me and ignore me for the rest of my life. . So back to the story. After the event we watched Paranormal Activity 3 with some of my friends and him. I was sitting right beside him as always. Most of the part of the movie was hell a lot boring so I leaned my head on his shoulders. Again he was okay with it , he didnt brush me away. When the scary part was shown I hid my head on the contours of his neck and shoulders. He even laughed for my overreaction because it was just the woman wearing a ghost mask surprising her husband in the movie. So anyway, the rest of my friends noticed it but I didnt care. hhaha


Now Im going to meet him this christmas break and Im so excited. I dont know yet, should I tell him I like him and ready myself to be rejected/accepted or just remain friends with him?

Theres one more thing about him. We always text each other but theres one weird thing here. Everytime we just met/saw each other, he replies to my text. But now that I am away again (for the university) he only replies seldomly. We were texting with each other during a particular day and suddenly our conversation was cut off. 2 days after he'd text me again continuing the conversation. I , who forgot already our conversation would ask him if his texts were just a missent and he would reply that it wasn't and it was a continuation of our conversation. He's weird right? I remember when it was my first year in university, he texted me to take care of myself from anyone since m now in a more dangerous place. I really feel that he's concerned about me and that makes me love him even more.

HELP! huhuh

 

[Lehans]

Go for it this winter break. If he ends up rejecting and ignoring you, then just move forward and be glad that you've exposed somebody who can't treat you well.

 

[imarflex15]

Losing him scares me

 

[Lehans]

I wouldn't be surprised if it did, but if you lose him because he can't accept you, then really, just forget him. There are tons of bad guys out there. It'll be better the more quickly you can remove them from your life.

But if thing turn out well, then it's good that you came out to him!

 

[Delphi124]

I agree with Seasoned and Lehans. You like him too much to have a "normal straight" friendship anyway. Based on how physical you two have already been it sounds like he is at least bi-curious, however that doesn't mean he necessarily is willing to come out to you or even to himself. Be prepared for disappointment, but it would be better to be disappointed now than later after pining even longer. Pull off that band-aid and just tell him your gay and if he doesn't come out too, move on with your life. Life's too short to waste pining after guys who will never love you back.

 

[Smitho]

I would make the first step and come out to him, you are probably not going to do this face to face, but what about an email, start something like, you know you asked me if I was gay over the summer when you saw my long hair, well sorry to say I lied to you, and yes I am gay. Leave it at that and see what he replies.

You will the at least know if their is any future, rather than just being friends. I don't think he will react badly, but will either say, "Cool, but I am St8" and then you know the boundaries, it can go not further, or "cool I am to" then you have the option as to what the 2 of you want to do next?

The other option is this will be a high school crush which will ebb and flow but eventually die, as you see each other less and less and move away. .

I think you have to take the bull by the horns here, and do it, and as I don't think you will face to face, an email is the best?

 

[Lehans]

I second Smitho's suggestions. Talking about what happened last summer sounds like a smart and honest way to bring up the subject without being completely random.