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Have i screwed up my life?

fallenmage

fallenmage

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Hi Every1, yesterday was one of the worst days of my life! i came out to my family and didnt go that well :(. At first i thought it'll be alright cause my mum has no problems with homosexuality i was very wrong, she's been talking about sending me to counseling because i was bullied by a girl in primary school (which i dont even remember) but she convinced thats whats turned me against women. She has also said i should still date women cause it would be "GOOD" for me. i have had a talk about aids and how hard my life will now be :cry:. shes said i will never find any1 because i have no confidence and has said no 1 would want me anyway. i dont know what to do.. i am away at uni again this weekend and wont be back for 7 weeks when i have my summer holls. what will i do if things are no better and i am at home all summer? Is being gay really so hard and wrong? :cry:
 
fallenmage said:
Hi Every1, yesterday was one of the worst days of my life! i came out to my family and didnt go that well :(. At first i thought it'll be alright cause my mum has no problems with homosexuality i was very wrong, she's been talking about sending me to counseling because i was bullied by a girl in primary school (which i dont even remember) but she convinced thats whats turned me against women. She has also said i should still date women cause it would be "GOOD" for me. i have had a talk about aids and how hard my life will now be :cry:. shes said i will never find any1 because i have no confidence and has said no 1 would want me anyway. i dont know what to do.. i am away at uni again this weekend and wont be back for 7 weeks when i have my summer holls. what will i do if things are no better and i am at home all summer? Is being gay really so hard and wrong? :cry:
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Yes being gay is hard but not wrong.
Read and chat on this site often. All are liked minded.

And no, you have not screwed up.
 
once you get past the short lived drama of coming out being gay isn't hard at all.

i think you should join a gay group at uni.
 
No, being gay does not have to be hard and it is not wrong at all. Your mother is responding to her natural instincts of wishing for you to bear her grandchildren and may also be conditioned by her peers and society to view homosexuality as wrong. Being gay is part of nature and it seems it was determined a very long time ago by some people in history that it was wrong, but it isn't! You need to live your life the way you want to and seek your happiness without hurting others. If it hurts your family that you are gay, that's their problem and something they have to deal with. Love your family and seek your own happiness and well-being.
 
Hi there, its a difficult decision to come out - but a brave one and congratulations on facing this challenge. The only advice I will give is that you are 20 years old and it has taken you twenty years to get to the point where you are so comfortable with your sexuality that you can now talk to your parents. Now it might have been a complete bombshell to them and the first they know about it. So give them time - let them absorb this new information about you. You'd be surprised what happens over time. As for counseling - why not take them up on the offer - there's nothing more convincing than having a councillor say - yep he's gay - no it's not phase. But like I said - give them time.
 
no, being gay is not wrong, and it's only hard cuz society is still close minded.
 
fallenmage said:
Hi Every1, yesterday was one of the worst days of my life! i came out to my family and didnt go that well :(. At first i thought it'll be alright cause my mum has no problems with homosexuality i was very wrong, she's been talking about sending me to counseling because i was bullied by a girl in primary school (which i dont even remember) but she convinced thats whats turned me against women. She has also said i should still date women cause it would be "GOOD" for me. i have had a talk about aids and how hard my life will now be :cry:. shes said i will never find any1 because i have no confidence and has said no 1 would want me anyway. i dont know what to do.. i am away at uni again this weekend and wont be back for 7 weeks when i have my summer holls. what will i do if things are no better and i am at home all summer? Is being gay really so hard and wrong? :cry:
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Being Gay is not wrong. Your Mother is way over re-acting. Forget Mama Drama's Act. Your Mother is grasping a straws reaching all the way back to some Butch Dike bullying you in Grade School Come on Get Real.She is just saying hurtful things,because She's Upset. Is she taking this so hard because your an only child? How's you dad handling this? Most men take it harder than the Mothers.

As for Summer Holidays. Why no take Summer Classes at University to avoid going home. It will Help toward graduating on time or early.

Join some Gay groups at University,See some Counselers at University, Avoid the Snake Oil Salesmen that say they can make you Un-Gay. They are full of Rubish and Religiously Mental.

Good Luck Dude..|
 
This is typical behavior for parents- they go through phases.

The phases are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Your mom is just moving back and forth between denial ("it's because you were bullied by a girl in primary school "), anger ("you will never find anyone because you have no confidence") and bargaining ("sending you to counseling", "you should still date women").


fallenmage said:
Is being gay really so hard and wrong?
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No, but sometimes being a parent is a bitch. It's your mom that needs most of the counseling on the gay issue. You need counseling on your self-esteem and how to do deal with your mom while she's going through the stuff she needs to go through before she lands on acceptance.

Stop this negative and self-loathing behavior. Get counseling- you have 7 weeks to work on this - quick, now.
 
These guys pretty much covered everything.

The only thing that I would add is that, it's not true that you will never find someone. Once you get comfortable with yourself you will gain confidence and people will be attracted to you.


Being gay today is not the easiest thing but it's also not the hardest. When you deeply believe that what you are is right then you can push the negativity away.


Take Care (*8*)
 
Note how self-contradictary your mother's advice is. She says you should date women because it'll be good for you...but she says you'll never find anyone because you don't have any confidence. It can't be both. :)

In short, the problem isn't with you - it's with your mother. Specifically, her lack of acceptance. Give her time to get used to the idea. You've had years to get used to the idea - she's had a day or two. Be calm and secure in your position. You're gay, nobody "made" you gay, and gay you'll remain. If there's a gay group at your school, I'd heavily suggest swinging by and joining up - it should help you tremendously.

Lex
 
no offense dude, but what a bitch.
to say such things, and destroy your self confidence.
Don't worry buddy, enjoy uni and you will find someone.
I don't think you screwed up your life.
 
Thanks every1 for the messages made me feel alot better. will give it time and see if it gets better with my mum. My mum told my dad but he hasnt said anything to me about it hes carried on like nothing has happend. thanks every1 i am gunna join a gay group at uni. thanks again every1!
 
Is being gay really so hard and wrong?
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No but being straight and stupid is apparently pretty easy...and wrong.

The problem isn't with you, but with your family.

You haven't ruined your life; you've made abig step toward living it honestly.

As others will point out, your mother is probably in a bit of shock. She thinks you need counselling? Fine. You choose the therapist (one who is gay positive) and spend some of their money to work out whatever issues you have with coming out. But only on the condition that your mother get involved with PFLAG or some other organization.

It sounds like your Dad is going to carry the day here, so I think everything will be okay.
 
Hey every1 thought i'd update :).
Things have gotten a bit better my dad still hasnt said a word about any of it lol. My mum is slowly coming to terms with it after a bust up last week, which started about respect then turned in to the fact that im gay -_- she said sum pritty hurtful things.. then said she need to "clear the air" i ended up leaving at 11 at night to travel back to uni. After that shes got better and said she doesnt want to lose me over it. :) still i wish i'd been more prepered before i told my family. Thanks Every1!!
 
It's odd how many people are "okay" with homosexuality until one of their children is gay. Just as it took you time to come to terms with your sexuality, so it will with your Mom. She said she never wants to lose you over this and that's great. You'll need to hold your ground and show her that you are happy with who you are as a gay man.

You did a good job, buddy. Good luck and be happy.
 
Your mother seems to be in denail about your sexuality, and is trying to cover it up by saying that 'she has no problem with homosexuality.' If she doesn't, then she should really get over it. I've read so many bad experiences of coming out, and it's really put me off telling my family. I've told a few friends, and they are completely fine with it. How about coming out to some friends? They might take it better than your mother did.

Hopefully, your mother will see the error of her ways, and that counselling is not the answer, and that it's wrong of her to tell you to date girls because it'll be 'good' for you. I really hope everything works out between you two, and she accepts for who you are, and if she doesn't, then that's her loss. :)
 
fallenmage said:
still i wish i'd been more prepered before i told my family. Thanks Every1!!
Click to expand...

The only preparation that a gay person can have before coming out is to be sure of who they are and that what they feel is not wrong. Nothing can prepare you for how your parents will respond- it's often an unpredictable response, as most emotions are not logical nor predictable.

Coming out is a process. It's a process for parents of gay people, too. Be patient and give your parents time. And never be afraid to go back to your university when you and your parents need a break from each other.
 
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